Chapter Seventeen
1921
"My brother's gone..."
A ghost stared back in the reflection. Life had vanished from the girl's eyes, her auburn hair seemingly limp and dead as it lay on her shoulders. The girl wore no red lipstick - she wore no lipstick at all. She was wearing all black; a plain black dress, small wrist length lace gloves and a black hat that sat upon her head on top of her light hair.
"Lottie, you ready?" Maxim asked softly from her bedroom door.
Lottie did not look over at him, she only continued to stare into the mirror. Then, without a word, she reached up with her gloved hands and pulled down the black lace veil over her face so that no one would see her lack of tears in her empty blue eyes.
The clouds were dark above where they stood by the coffin after the church ceremony, and it was lowered into the ground. Lottie stared unseeingly at it. A body was inside - her brother's body. He was gone. Just gone. She would never see his smile or his familiar brown eyes or hear him talk passionately or feel his arms around her as they hugged. He was just gone - gone... And there was nothing she could do to bring him back.
Since the news of his death, she didn't cry, instead, she fell into some sort of trance where she didn't feel anything. The shock of it all hadn't sunk in. The dread and darkness that consumed her as she stared at her brother's grave ate her insides up. She felt sick. Ada's tears were falling down her cheeks, but none fell down Lottie's. She couldn't even make her eyes water. She felt nothing... just an empty abyss. And that was far worse. Nic and Maxim stood on either side to her, Ada to the side of Maxim. In Lottie's isolated world, she felt a hand take hold of her own. She knew it was Nic's, he was her anchor, keeping her from drifting out into a treacherous sea that would drown her.
Tommy stepped forward towards the fresh mound of soil and cleared his throat. "I promised my friend, Freddie Thorne," he began solemnly, "that I'd say a few words over his grave if he should pass before me. I made this promise before he became me brother-in-law, when we were in France, fighting for the King."
Beside Maxim, Ada sniffled as her chin quivered. She was trying not to cry, to hold herself together, but Lottie could feel the immense pain emitting off her sister-in-law. The pain that Lottie should be feeling, rather than the numbness she was.
"Amen," said Arthur.
"And in the end," Tommy continued. "It wasn't war that took Freddie. Pestilence took him."
Behind, John's baby began to cry. He tried to shush him, but the crying did not cease.
"But Freddie passed on his soul and his spirit to a new generation before he was cruelly taken."
After the ceremony, the group disbanded, but Lottie remained where she stood, staring at the gravestone. Her brother's name was written on it. If Lottie were to walk a few paces down, she would reach her mother's grave. Now Lottie was all alone, all except Maxim. Her only family left.
Nic didn't let go of Lottie's hand. And she didn't mind. They both stood in silence, staring at the grave. Eventually, Nic lifted his other hand in front of them. He was holding a small bouquet of wild flowers from his farm. Lottie stared down at them, and then slowly, ever so slowly, she reached out with her gloved hand and took it. Lifting her eyes to meet his, she understood what he was saying without words. The two of them, started walking further into the graveyard.
Maxim watched as Lottie and Nic solemnly wandered down the aisle between the graves, no doubt going to her mothers. Maxim sighed sadly as she disappeared in the ascending mist. Someone stepped to stand next to him. He looked over to see that it was Ada. He cleared his throat. "You know, I used to tell him to stop raving on about his policies and beliefs," he began.
Ada looked over at him, her eyes tearing, but also waiting to see what he was going to say.
"But now he's gone, it's the thing I'm going to miss the most."
"That's always the way," nodded Ada. "It's always the little things that you miss the most."
He hung his head, shaking it, smiling slightly. "Not so little in his case."
"Well," she said. "If you ever want to hear someone rant about policies like Freddie, you can always come to talk to me."
Maxim chuckled. "Thanks."
"We'll make a communist out of you yet."
"Don't get your hopes up too high," he tried to joke.
Ada smiled at him and put a hand on his arm. He smiled back at her and she left, her hand last to leave. He watched after her as she walked away over to Tommy. He then looked over in the direction Lottie had vanished and then followed after her.
***
The grave standing in front of her was her mother's. She had loved her mother completely; she had been taken away from Lottie many years before, but the trauma of the attack was still vivid in her memories. 'A robbery gone wrong' is what the police had said. Lottie lifted her black lace veil that covered her face so she could properly see the inscription of her mother's name. Reaching out with a cold hand, Lottie kissed her fingertips and then pressed it against the stone. "I miss you," she murmured, her voice quieter than a whisper, the sound of her admittance became part of the wind as it twirled amongst the gravestones as if her words were being taken from this world to the next. She crouched down and carefully lay the flowers on the mound. Something cold suddenly then landed on Lottie's head. Looking up, she was greeted with more coldness - it had started to rain. Perhaps the weather was making up for her lack of tears.
"It'll be alright, Lottie," murmured Nic. He was staring intently at her, tears in his sad eyes. "I promise you."
She didn't look at him. She couldn't tear her eyes from her mother's name. She felt Nic wrap his arms around her tightly, holding her close to his chest. He then lowered his face and kissed her forehead, clenching his eyes shut. He hated seeing her in pain. He hated it.
Lottie didn't react to him. He stepped back, his eyes landing on something - or someone else. "I'll see you later," he promised before he walked away.
"Lottie," someone else murmured from beside her.
Lottie turned to see Maxim standing next to her, his face solemn, his eyes sad. Seeing the unshed tears in his eyes broke her heart. Her throat tightened and her chin began to quiver. She opened her mouth to speak, but she realised she couldn't.
Maxim instantly wrapped his arms around her tightly, holding her to his chest, as if trying to keep the broken pieces of her soul from collapsing.
Shutting her eyes tightly, she felt a tear roll down her cheek - the warmth of it contrasting with the cold raindrops. "He's - he's gone... Maxim, he's gone. My brother's gone," she quietly sobbed into his coat, the reality hitting her to heavily and far too painfully.
He stroked her blonde hair with his hand as he shushed. "I know... I know, but he'll never truly be gone, Lottie. He'll always be with you. With all of us."
Lottie nodded, but her heart was broken, and a couple words wouldn't fix that. "He wasn't meant to die this way... He was a soldier - he - he - he wasn't meant to die like this...." she sobbed quietly. They remained standing like that for a while until Lottie finally pulled away, no more tears falling down her cheeks. "I think I just need to be alone, Maxim."
He nodded sympathetically. "Okay," he said. "Just find me when you're ready."
Lottie watched him walk back towards the others and saw Ada walking away from Polly and Tommy. Ada walked passed the group and towards Lottie. When she arrived, all she said was, "Do you want to walk?"
Ada and Lottie walked side by side in silence, Lottie holding her nephew, Karl, who had ran over to them. "Why don't you come to London with us?" Ada suddenly asked. When Lottie didn't reply, Ada repeated herself.
Lottie looked up startled as if she was surprised to see Ada standing there. Ada sighed and repeated herself once more. "I can't," murmured Lottie, finally replying, shaking her head.
"But it'll be safer there away from all of them," she argued.
"I like being with them," said Lottie. "I can't go to London."
Ada sighed. "I know you have your reasons to hate London, but you'll be safe with me."
"Almost every bad memory I have is from London."
"And you don't have any bad memories from here?" She questioned raising her eyebrows. She then bit her tongue, wishing she hadn't just said that seeing Lottie's expression. It wasn't sad or angry, but there was a muted hurt that made Ada wish her friend would open up so she could comfort her. "Will you at least come and visit?" Asked Ada quietly.
Lottie closed her eyes feeling the anxiety rise within her, then forced a smile to her face. "Of course," she lied. She then looked down at Karl who was playing with an ashy strand of her hair. "Anything to see my little angel." Despite promising, she knew as soon as she had said the words that she was going to break it.
He giggled happily.
Ada smiled. "Thank you."
After Freddie had left with Ada to live in London, Maxim had moved in with Lottie. Despite Lottie hating to admit it, she hated being living on her own, and Maxim being Maxim, knew exactly what Lottie wanted without her even having to voice her thoughts. For this, she was thankful. She hadn't been part of the business since his death, but often spent her days with Ada whilst she was down, and with Polly when she wasn't.
The Shelby brothers and Polly left the funeral in their cars after being called away, whilst Lottie stayed with Ada and Karl. Maxim also left to head to the betting shop along with the other men, promising to meet her back at their apartment later that evening. Karl had now become Lottie's favourite person and he seemed the only one able to make her smile in the past days. However, happiness never seemed to last long anymore. Ada left with Karl to return to London; she asked Lottie the last time whether she'd reconsider, but Lottie declined the offer.
By herself, Lottie made her way to the betting shop for the first time since Freddie's death. Her heart thumped nervously, but as she stood at the door, she pulled back her black veil and took a steadying breath. Inside it was manic - but that was usual. Men rushed around, tallying, talking - some arguing, but there was a method to this chaos. An effective method. Nicholas had joined he Blinders the year before after moving to Birmingham permanently; he changed positively and Lottie could see he was recovering from his prior loneliness, his friendship with John growing once more so that they were now as thick as thieves. Maxim sat at one of the desks where she joined.
"Hello," she said, sitting onto the chair beside him.
He looked up surprised. "I thought you were going to head home," he said.
She shrugged mutely. "There's only so long you can look at the same four walls."
"So you decided to look at a different set of four walls," he smiled, trying to joke.
Lottie forced a smile as his attempt. "Exactly."
Just as she took a nervous look around the room, Polly walked through the door looking anxious. Lottie looked at her cousin and asked under her breath, "Has something happened?"
"Someone blew up the Garrison," he replied quietly.
"Shit," Lottie swore.
John noticed from his office Polly entering and so, passing the phone over to Finn, who was now learning his place in the business, he stood up. "Polly," he called out. "Did he say who did it?"
Lottie sat up in attention, wanting to listen.
"He's gone to the Black Lion," Polly replied.
"On his own?" Lottie questioned.
The two of them looked over at her, realising she was there. "Lottie..." John murmured. There was a sound of pity and sympathy in his voice - a sound that made her want to hug him and then cry. Mentally she snapped at herself for thinking that and made herself look away from him and to Polly. The only way she was going to get through the pain was through ignorance and compartmentalisation. It was this that got her through her mother's death all those years ago, her aunt and uncle's, John's marriage and now Freddie's own death.
It annoyed her that she still had feelings for John despite two years having passed, but it was like an iron poker was stabbing her heart each time she saw him with Esme or their new child. Lottie actually got on very well with Esme, which was a bit ironic.
Polly noticed the awkwardness hanging in the air so she answered her question. "Tommy does everything on his own." She then walked through the betting house, John and Lottie trailing behind her.
"Should I go to the Black Lion?" Asked John.
"What?" Said Polly, not hearing him.
"Should I got here and see him?" John repeated.
Polly rolled her eyes. "No," she snapped, but not harshly.
Clenching his jaw, he then asked, "Where the fuck is Arthur?"
"Let's see," said Lottie with a smile that had been vacant on her face for a while. "The Garrison's been blown up, police are in the area... he's probably protecting the whiskey."
John's expression was amusing as it seemed partly annoyed of his brother's actions, but at the same time, he couldn't deny that it made him happy seeing the girl smile. They smiled at each other for a while until Polly stepped behind them and shut the doors between the betting shop and the dining area, them standing in the dining area.
The sound of the slamming doors snapped them out of their moment. John cleared his throat and stepped further into the room away from Lottie and Lottie physically stamped on her toes with her other foot for being such a bloody ninny.
"Polly," John said. "It feels to me like things are getting out of hand."
"So get 'em in hand," she retorted as she stoked the fire.
John continued on. "You know what Ada said to me this morning? She said we all look like we work in a factory under the ground. She said we look like ghosts."
"She'll be back," said Polly in denial.
Lottie sat herself down at the table. "Will she?" She asked.
Polly looked at her slightly shocked and offended.
Lottie only shrugged. "I think she's made it perfectly clear that she wants nothing to do with us."
"And you're okay with that? You're just gonna give in?" She snapped.
"No," replied Lottie, straightening her back. "I'm accepting that she's never going to be happy with what we do - and because of that, I'm probably closer to her than anyone in this family. I'm not trying to make her something she's not. I'm loving her for who she is."
Polly scoffed. "She'll be back when she needs us. I guarantee it."
"Anyway," said John, changing the topic. "Who the fuck would blow up our pub?"
"You want me to write you a list?" Lottie asked sarcastically.
John put his hand on the table and leaned towards her. "I don't like you like this," he said frowning.
"Well, maybe you should just accept it," she replied.
He shook his head. "I won't. You've been acting different for the past couple months and I want to know why."
"Then get used to disappointment because you're not going to find out," she snapped. How could she tell him that the birth of his son made things too real for Lottie? Yes, John and Esme had been married for over a year by that point and Esme had been pregnant for the previous nine months, but the actual birth of their child hit Lottie like a train. Her ignorance had crashed and burned and she realised at that point that she was not over him. She had convinced herself that she was, but she realised she wasn't. Compartmentalisation and denial did not work.
Polly poured herself a drink. "Six."
The randomness of her comment caught their attention. "Six what?" John questioned, turning his head towards his aunt.
"Six questions since you walked through that door," she replied. "Soon you'll have to start being the man with the answers."
"Why?" He asked, straightening up.
Polly sighed. "Seven." She sat herself down and put her feet up in front of the fire to warm them. "When London happens, you'll have to hold up your end. Or we'll find somebody else who can."
Lottie lowered her eyes, thinking Polly's words were too harsh as she had said them with such little care.
A/n:
...and this is the beginning of series 2 - it's only just started and Lottie's already in emotional hell. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the chapter and Lottie and Maxim, I feel Lottie has changed since the end of series 1 in the fact that she's a bit more closed off to the other characters, not opening up and being honest to them - more so than before. She's snappier and bitter - but please don't hate her - there's an arc - tis development aha. Hope you enjoyed it and please do vote, comment and follow as I'd really appreciate the feedback.
published :: 07/02/2019