~
"Everything was numbered: the lenses, the painterly, the milligrams of my panic pills. I had prescription eyes that allowed me to see better, and prescription panic pills that allowed me to play blind."
-Julian Mhyana
~
"Daniel?" A deep-voiced asked through the phone.
It was strange to think this was the first time I was speaking to my father. Or at least the first time I'd remember. It was strange to think this voice was my dad.
I always thought if I ever got the chance to speak to him I would scream and yell. Now, I had almost nothing to say.
I thought I'd be angry or even happy, but strangely I felt nothing. I was numb.
I didn't know this voice. I didn't know this man.
Hearing his voice wasn't what I expected it would be and I couldn't help but feel disappointed.
"Yeah, it's me," I muttered. My thoughts racing.
A part of me wanted to hang up. The other part knew I would regret it if I did.
"I'm really happy to hear from you." he sounded giddy. Like he actually meant it.
"I'm not."
"What?" He asked in confusion.
"Happy, I'm not happy. I've been pretty fucked up since I got your letter and I thought I could ignore it but I can't. That's why I called. I need to know -- I need to know why you left." I rushed out.
There was silence as I waited for his response, but he said nothing.
"I need an answer. I can't move on or get better till I know. So what was it? What did I do? Why wasn't I enough? Because I've met someone and they are the only person I've ever met that made me feel like I could be happy and I keep fucking shit up because of you. Because of you, I have this hole in my life, in me, and as much as I try I can't fill it. And, the more time that goes by the bigger it gets and the more alone I am. And, I'm afraid that soon that hole will be all that's left of me and I don't want that. I want to move on and get better. I want to be happy. But, I can't. Not until I know." I cried.
The salt of my tears on my lips.
I didn't know if my tears were in sadness or in anger, but they wouldn't stop.
"I can't." He answered through the phone. His voice tight and pained.
"You have never done a damn thing for me. Now, all I'm asking for is for you to be fucking honest with me." I snapped.
I had waited seventeen years. I was done waiting. I wanted answers.
"Why did you leave?" I asked again.
"Daniel, it's complicated."
"Anthony, trust me. I get complicated. My whole life has been complicated." I sassed.
The longer we spoken the more my blood boiled.
After all this time how dare he try to give me excuses? I wasn't a child. Didn't he think I deserved the truth? Didn't he think I deserved to know why he decided to walk out of my life?
I knew whatever answer he gave wouldn't be good enough.
I knew whatever answer he gave wouldn't make anything better.
But this was my first step. My first step in taking the control back in my life.
"Daniel-" He was cut off by the sound of a baby crying followed by the sound of a woman's muffled voice.
"Is that your new family?"
He sighed. I could almost imagine him rubbing his temples. The pain clear in his voice as he answered: "You are still my family."
I couldn't help but let out a bitter laugh. "That wasn't what I asked."
He wasn't family. He hadn't been in a long time. He was a stranger.
"Do you remember when you were little and we went camping in Watson park? You were so excited to sleep outside under the stars. And, when we got there you were so happy you just wanted to explore." He said randomly.
What the hell was he talking about?
"No, I don't remember," I answered. What I really wanted to say was that I didn't have a single memory of things before he left.
He ignored my response and went on. "Well on the first day at the park while setting up camp your mother and I got into a huge argument about— how to set up the tent. You started screaming trying to get us to stop. But, neither of noticed until your screaming stopped. You were gone and we were so afraid. We searched the woods for you for what felt like hours. We were just about to call the police when I found you. You were sitting in a clearing crying. I ran to you and held you so tightly in my arms. I asked you why you wandered off and you know what you said? You said you were just trying to catch a butterfly." He finished.
"What's your point?" I asked. I didn't understand what he was trying to say.
"I left because it was the only way I could be a better dad."
It didn't make any fucking sense. Was he trying to say he left cause I got lost in the woods?
I asked. "I don't understand. How could you be better if you didn't come back?"
"That day was a wake-up call. I had made a lot of mistakes before then and hurt you and your mother. You wondered off because no one was watching out for you. I knew if I didn't make a change you would continue to pay for my mistakes. And, by the time I got my shit together, you didn't need me anymore."
"Well, You were wrong." I laughed bitterly.
He had no idea what I needed.
He sighed. "I see that now and I'm sorry, Daniel."
"I'm sorry too," I muttered before hanging up.
I didn't know what to think. I didn't know how to feel. But, I did know one thing. I knew I really needed a smoke.
[Published August 1st, 2018]
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If you liked it, I would love it if you could vote or comment on what you think.
A/N: Everything will make sense soon. Hang on.
Shameless self-plug: Check out my newest story 'Thunder & Lightning', it is a prequel to this story.