I don't remember how it really happened.
I was drinking and drinking, avoiding my brother and running around with Jon. I only remember tiny bits of it.
Giggling like children as he and I snuck out of the feast and into the kitchens to steal more whine. We hid it in my dress and walked to my room to drink it. I remember my brother yelling at me when we passed him in the hallway. I partly remember the hound coming in and swooping him away. He was always kind to me.
I remember sneaking Jon into my room, stumbling and laughing. We locked the door and sat on the ground, taking turns drinking from the bottle. I learned so much about him and I only remember half of it. I remember telling him about my brother. And how much he scared me.
I remember him telling me he wanted to join the watch because when Ned left, there was no one to protect him form Catelyn. She might as well send him away herself. I remember telling him all about the Red Keep. Telling him that I would take him there one day. That I would let him see the throne room and I would even show him my favorite hiding spots in the garden.
I remember him telling me about the whore with red hair. Ros is what her name was I think. Telling me about why he worried. That he didn't want to put a child through the same things he did.
I remember kissing him. Pulling him close to me and running my fingers through his dark black hair. I remember searching his grey eyes as he asked me what I wanted. You. Is what I said. And as his princess commanded, I had him. And he had me.
I woke up to a knock on my door. "Princess Aella? Are you awake? Your mother wants to see you soon. She asked me to get you ready." I looked over at a sleeping Jon. A sleeping, naked Jon.
"Go away!" I stuttered out. "I will get myself ready!"
"Are you sure m'lady?"
"Leave!" I hear her scurry off. I look back at Jon as he slowly starts to wake up. I lay my head on his chest and groan. "We're in a lot of trouble Jon Snow." He lets his fingers slide through my hair. I sigh and close my eyes.
"If I could stay like this for the rest of my life I would be happy." He says, his voice dripping with sleep.
"I as well."
"But I am sorry princess." he says and kisses my forehead.
"I know." I sit up and wrap the fur blanket around me. I don't do it from the cold. I had never been that cold this trip. I believe it was the warm Targaryen blood that runs through my veins as much as our father denies it. We are of old valyria.
He pulls me on top of him and I giggle. "They can go fuck themsleves. I just want to stay here with you." I kiss his soft lips and shake my head.
"Oh my sweet summer child," I tease and cup his cheek. "If only it were that easy." he leans against my hand and turns his head, putting a small kiss on my palm. "I will always be yours Snow."
"And I yours, princess." I stare into his eyes and frown.
"Please don't go to the wall."
"I have nothing else here."
"You have me."
"And you will be going back south soon. Don't wait up for me. Please."
"But-"
"I am a bastard. You are a princess. Find someone worthy of you."
"I don't care what you are. You are who I want... I'll tell my mother that that I am pregnant. She will have to marry us. You will be legitimized and I will be a Stark. And I will be yours." I kiss him desperately. "Out of all the men I've met you are the only one who listens and truly cares. Please Jon."
"As much as I want that, I know it wouldn't happen. Catelyn wouldn't allow it. She fears I would come for Robb's position. And your mother, like you said, would never let you become a Stark. And if you are pregnant..."
"If I am?"
"I fear your baby wouldn't make it." he looks away from me and sighs. "There are few people in this world who would want a bastard from Lannister and Stark running around."
"But I am not a Lannister. I am a Baratheon. Your sister will have Baratheon and Stark children. Why can't I?" I stand up, angry and confused as I dress myself in the nightgown that was discarded in the night. I have a plan. It could work. Couldn't it?
"I fear for your safety already Aella. You are a little doe in a world full of lions. I don't want you to be alone with them if they hate you more for having a Stark's child. They will kill you, and if you have a child. They will kill it too. You heard about the Targaryen's. Your father is the only thing standing in the way of the wolves and lions tearing each other apart. And he won't live forever. If something were to happen. I don't wan't you and our child used as a pawn. You will always be apart of me Aella. But I will not ruin your life with a part of mine."
I feel tears sting in my eyes. He is right. The seven kingdoms are already at a tipping point. It won't join our houses and make peace to have a bastard's child. Let alone the stark bastard. I would only put him in danger. I know this to be true.
He stands and puts back on his clothes. He cups my face and looks down with a frown. That stupid pout. The sad face that made me think about him. The one that got me close to him. The one that made me fall for him. I've only known him for so long and I feel like hes what has been missing all my life. Like he is a part of me I have never had but thought I didn't need to live. But now as he threatens to leave my side forever, I feel myself breaking.
It's stupid. I shouldn't love. I shouldn't care. I should listen to what my mother told me. The more people I love, the more weaknesses I have. Maybe I do this in spite of her. Maybe I fall in love. And wish for a knight in shining armor to whisk me away just to show her she was wrong. But just like a mother always is, she was right.
"You are my weakness, Jon Snow." In the book of Westeros and the games we play, this is another way of saying I love you. I only hope he realizes that before it is too late for him. Because then it will be too late to save myself.