Hello, my amazing and beautiful friends.
Firstly, I want to apologise for the week and a half hiatus that I took – it wasn't intentional. I've been super ill recently and it turns out I'm lactose and gluten intolerant and so I'm no longer allowed to eat anything with them in it (My craving for mozarella sticks is actually killing me).
And so I've been trying to get better as well as working full time and it kind of draine dme and I didn't get a chance to write much, I promise that I'm going to spend the rest of tonight trying to get a few chapters backlogged so that this doesn't happen again and I always have chapters prepared!
ON SAYING THAT – YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING INCREDIBLE.
On the last chapter we were at 23K reads (which was insane) BUT NOW WE'RE AT 43.3K!!!!!!!! WE'VE ALMOST DOUBLED IN READS SINCE THE LAST CHAPTER.
Honestly, I do not deserve your support and love and you guys are absolutely incredible. I've also been sent a couple book covers and so look out for yours in the next couple chapters if you sent me one!
This chapter is dedicated to @thequietlibrary for her amazing cover that she made and you should all check out her book and give some feedback! Authors gotta stick together! Sending so much love xxx
Also, we decided that Jack Falahee is pretty much my perfect Trent at this point however I would love to hear suggestions form you guys and your own thoughts, never know, you could find someone way better suited to the role!
This chapter isn't insanely exciting however I'm hopefully going to upload another one later on or tomorrow (lets be real it's going to be tonight because I get way too excited)!
I LOVE YOU ALL x
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I cry the entire drive.
Not once do I look up from my lap and not once do my tears stop.
It's like I've opened a floodgate that refuses to close.
The feeling is somewhat new to me – usually, I could control my breakdowns, I could halt them to keep up a facade or put them on pause until I was alone but not tonight. Tonight my emotions have control of me and so I let them be free, running down my cheeks and splattering onto my legs.
Cole and Kristie whisper to each other the entire time, their worried glances continuously being thrown at me from the front but they don't once ask what's wrong and I'm grateful. How was I meant to explain that I felt heartbroken at being rejected by someone who wasn't my boyfriend?
What kind of person did that make me?
The drive seems to go on for eternity, the entire time a feeling tugging on my heart, begging me to go back to the boy I left behind, but I can't. He'd been the strong one, the one to know that it was a bad decision to make and had stopped me from ruining my life. I should be grateful that he did.
When we pull up to Kristie's I silently get out the car, my bare feet hitting the tarmac as my heels dangle from my hands, knocking together gently.
I think Cole says goodnight to me although I'm not one hundred per cent sure because everything around me sounds like it's underwater, my ears not registering full words or sentences.
It's only after I shut the car door and breathe in the fresh air that I realise how much the car smells of a certain person and immediately I have to resist the urge to throw myself back into the vehicle.
Kristie says goodbye to Cole and then comes over to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders as she guides me towards her home, the porch light flickering on as we get to the front door. It was still relatively dark outside and now that I didn't have the warmth of a jacket over me I was aware of how much my body was shivering.
Linda had left it open for us and although she'd long gone to bed she'd put out glasses of water and a sandwich for each of us on the table by the entrance.
Kristie hands me the glasses of water and ushers me up the stairs softly, telling me that she'll handle the other stuff and for once I don't argue with her; I didn't have the energy to.
I head to her bedroom, sitting down gently on her fluffy cover as I place the drinks on the bedside table and she comes into the room a moment later, hands filled with snacks and sandwiches.
She puts them down and then urges me up and to the bathroom, her comforting voice explaining that we should wash our feet or her mom would freak out at the dirt in the bed and I nod, stepping into the ceramic tub and sitting on the edge.
Kristie joins me without saying a word and takes the shower head down, bringing it to our feet before turning it on. She quickly washes her own before handing me it and I take it, doing the same.
Once we're done, she helps me back up and we dry off with a towel and then head back into her warm room.
I sit back in my spot and she goes to her cupboard, getting out comfortable clothes for me to wear and I'm grateful when she hands me one of her brother's huge shirts – they were the comfiest things she owned for me to wear considering my features were a little bigger than hers.
We both begin to get changed and I let my mind wander as I do, trying not to think of the events of the night but when I slide my top up and over my face a smell makes its way into my nostrils and I slowly bring my arms down, holding the material in my hands as I take another breath.
It smells like Trent.
It was faint, and I'm sure if anyone else sniffed it they would only notice the pine and fire parts and considering we'd been at a lakeside bonfire party that wasn't a surprise. However, there was a tiny trace of leather accompanying it. Maybe I was making it up, maybe I was hallucinating, but my body reacts immediately and I curl up on the bed, clutching it to my chest.
Kristie turns and notices my shaking body and quickly rushes over, her hands flying around me as she tries to decide what to do. It was strange to see her so flustered, she was usually the one to keep calm but right now she looked as though she was completely lost.
"It smells like him," I whisper, my eyes drained of tears, "I tried to kiss him, K."
At my words, her eyes change to understanding and she sighs, sinking down on the bed beside me, pulling me up into a sitting position so that I can lean on her shoulder.
"What happened?" she murmurs into my hair, softly patting it down.
"I got so caught up and I tried to kiss him," I explain, too embarrassed to look at her, "And he stopped me."
My mind plays the moment over and over again, the way his chocolate hair was ruffling the breeze and the pain that flicked through his shining eyes as he looked at me, rejecting me.
She sighs again, this time it's even deeper.
"I'm sure there's a reason for him doing it, Elle," she coos, "You haven't done anything wrong."
I let out a bitter laugh.
"I've been so worried about Matt cheating and I'm the one who almost did, I'm an awful person."
Immediately, Kristie pulls away from me and shoves me a little, forcing me to look at her stern expression.
"You're not an awful person, you were high and you got caught up. Nothing happened and you have nothing to feel bad about, you hear me?" she scoffs and returns to hugging me, "You let that boy away with murder, you're allowed to muck up a little."
Although I know she's right and her words do comfort me some, I can't help the overwhelming guilt that weighs me down as we sit there, my mind running through all the possibilities of what I could do to make it up to Matt. Here I was having these doubts and he hadn't questioned me at all, but I was the one to make a stupid decision.
"Now come on. We're going to watch Friends and eat all this food I've bought because I don't know about you but I have severe munchies and you're getting a break from your 'diet' tonight."
She doesn't give me a chance to refuse before she is up and crossing the room, going towards the TV to switch it on and set it up and I can't help but smile at her. Even though she's facing away from me I can hear her quietly singing to herself and it makes me chuckle – she really was such a positive person.
I finally get changed into the top she gave me and discard my worn clothes on the floor in a pile beside the bed, reminding myself to pick them up in the morning so Linda didn't have to.
Kristie rejoins me on the bed and we get under the duvet, fanning out our food in front of us like a buffet as the sound of our favourite show comes on. The song hums through the speakers and the two of us don't even have to communicate – we both clap at the right time and continue eating our food. Together we watch the tv show while taking off our makeup and brushing our hair, getting rid of the evidence of what occurred.
"I'm sorry for ruining your night," I mumble after a few minutes, only now remembering that she had probably been having a good time until I ended it, "You look after me way too much."
She rolls her eyes, throwing a Malteser at me and I shriek as it pings off my nose.
"Shut your mouth, you're my best friend, of course, I was leaving with you, especially when you looked that upset. Plus, it was cold and all I could do was think about food." She finishes her answer with a wink and a reassuring smile, her eyes turning back to the TV.
I knew Kristie could have stayed out longer, she was a social butterfly when it came to situations like those and she was known for somehow ending up at every after party known to man whenever one was held, but I loved her for lying to me in an attempt to make me feel better.
"You're the best," I say softly, snuggling into the side of her and she kisses the top of my forehead in reply, feeding me a Dorito, "Never leave me."
She chuckles at my words.
"Never going to happen, I'm stuck to you like glue."
When I first wake up my eyes fly open in panic, searching for the time and it takes a moment for me to remember where I am before I settle back down. I had to remind myself that not every family had a rise and shine time at the weekends. I roll over and look at Kristie, giggling when I notice her mouth wide open and the drool hanging out of it, her soft snores echoing around the room.
She was such a looker.
I glance about the room, rubbing the tiredness from my eyes and reach across for my phone, checking to see the time.
9.20am.
Below the time there is a list of notifications and I quickly open my phone, going into Snapchat to look at them. I have one from Matt which I open eagerly but it's just a video of him playing beer pong and I quickly skip it, not wanting to see the people around him. After that, I click on the group chat with the three witches and want to vomit when message after message is just pictures of Matt and Tracey together at the party, getting more and more drunk before the final one is a picture of the three girls dressed in summer gear with the caption 'Boat Weekend'. They must have sent it today.
I stare at it for a moment and then close it, instead choosing to click on Tracey's story which contains hundreds of videos from last night which I comb through, waiting to see any signs of her and Matt doing anything but there's none. Reassured, I click through them but pause on her last photo which is from this morning. It was obviously taken by one of the other girls but she's standing in front of a large boat, her body clad in a barely there piece and heels on her feet. Envy fills me as I look at her almost perfect figure, her chest almost pouring out of her bikini.
How was I meant to compete with that?
I click off of it, not wanting to torture myself any longer and go onto my messages, hoping to see one from my boyfriend but there isn't any. Swallowing my pride I decide to send him a text.
'Hope you had a good night last night and enjoy your weekend! Remember sunscreen!x'
The message pings when it delivers and for about ten minutes I sit staring at my screen, waiting for a response.
Nothing comes through.
My eyes glance down to the side of the bed where I had put the top that smelled like Trent but I'm met with clean carpet and a rush of panic floats through me.
Where was it?
I throw the covers off, being careful not to wake Kristie, although she could sleep through a tornado if she wanted to, and grab a pair of gym shorts on her chair, sliding them on. I kneel into the floor and peer under the mattress but there are only a few discarded items there and none of them is the top I'm looking for.
I curse and jump up, looking around in confusion, wondering where it could have gone but when I see that Kristie's washing bag is also gone from the back of the door, I realise what's happened.
Linda has been the perfect mother and has come and taken all of our dirty clothes, not realising how much she was breaking my heart.
For a moment I wonder if maybe I'm not too late and she hasn't done the washing yet and so I quickly make my way downstairs, my feet padding softly on the steps and I listen for the sound of her in the kitchen. When I enter I see her sitting with Benji at the dinner table, attempting to feed him what looks like some sort of mushed up fruit combination.
When he sees me his eyes light up and he spits out the food in his mouth in a happy exclamation, making Linda end up with a splat of food on her cheek and I can't help the laugh that escapes my lips at her shocked expression.
She turns and faces me, sighing heavily as she puts the food down and rests her chin in her hands, her tired eyes giving up.
"Fine, starve," she states to Benji who just giggles at her and continues to reach for me and I make my way towards him, gently placing my hands around the toddler's belly.
"Good morning," I chuckle and he grins happily, waiting for me to take him out of the chair, "Are you giving your mom a hard time?"
Linda groans from beside me, the tiredness evident in her eyes and I quickly lift Benji out of his chair before placing a hand on her shoulder comfortingly.
"If you want to go for a nap I can look after him," I tell her and she looks up at me with grateful eyes, the bags under them prominent, "Kristie probably won't be awake for a while anyway," I joke and she smiles a little, standing up slowly.
"How was your night?" she asks and a genuine smile crosses my face as I think about it before I had ruined it, it had actually been really fun. "You girls must have come in late, I didn't hear you."
I nod and tickle Benji, mesmerised by his giggles.
"Yeah, it was really good. We actually left Tracey's and went to another party," I say, choosing not to tell her where exactly it was. Although she seemed fond of East Valley Woods, after her confession about her friend's death I doubted she'd feel safe knowing we'd gone there at night.
Linda yawns, rubbing her eyes and my heart breaks for her.
"Is Gerry due home soon?"
Kristie's dad was a doctor in our town and he was probably the best one we had. I knew that his family was incredibly proud of him, but it also meant that as the best surgeon too, his late nights dragged into early mornings and his days off became very few and sparse.
She glances at the digital clock on the microwave and a sigh escapes her lips.
"He was due home about four hours ago, he probably won't be home until later on, although I'm hoping I'm wrong."
Her eyes are soft as she talks about her husband and I feel my own heart swelling with the love and adoration that she has for him, they really were an amazing couple.
"Go get some sleep," I urge, my hand resting on her arm, "If there are any problems I'll wake you."
She gives me a small smile and pulls me into a hug, squishing Benji between us, her arms wrapping around my torso tightly.
"You're such a sweet girl Elle, Kristie is so lucky to have you."
I'm shocked by her words as she pulls back and kisses Benji lightly on the nose. I never thought of me doing anything for Kristie, Kristie was the one who looked after me. Without her, I'd probably be a crumbling mess.
I watch Linda walk away, her eyes already beginning to close with sleep and I turn around to look at the mess of food left behind on the table, the evidence of Benji's refusal to eat.
I decide to look around the kitchen for more food for him, knowing that the spoiled lumps of mush on the counter were no longer going to be okay to be eaten and after a few minutes of looking I make him a banana and peach mush pot.
"This is what I used to eat as a baby," I tell him as he sits in his chair watching me, babbling nonsense in response, "It's super yummy, I promise!" I urge, mixing it together before sitting beside him, holding it out on the spoon.
"Please eat?" I beg, waiting patiently for him deciding to open his mouth. His young eyes asses what's being presented to him and he glances at me before widening his mouth and accepting the spoon of food, his little cheeks puffing up in happiness at the taste.
His hands clap together as he eats it and I give myself a little cheer, pleased that he's actually eating something. I was out of ideas of what else to make him.
"I'm basically a star chef," I grin to myself and Benji claps again, "Clearly you agree with me, don't you Benji."
His smiling face makes me grin and I can't help the emotions that overcome me as I sit and watch him giggling away, totally oblivious to the world around him. He was so lucky to be born into such an amazing family, he was only going to receive the most incredible love he could ask for and I knew that although Kristie pretended that they didn't get along, that she was going to make sure she was the best big sister she could possibly be.
After feeding him I decide to get him some clean clothes from the drying room and it's only when I step inside and see the pile of clothing that I remember why I originally came downstairs.
The top.
I rummage through the pile of folded clothes on top of the counter and when my fingers close around the familiar white material I want to cry.
Slowly, I bring it up to my nose and take a deep breath but all that's left is the scent of blossoms and fabric softener.
For a second I wonder why I cared so much about it, why it bothered me that maybe I'd never have the experience again, but I decide to put it down to the fact that I was more upset about not having a memory of the party, rather than Trent.
Disappointed, I place it back on the pile and pick up a small jumpsuit for Benji, accepting that maybe it was better that I couldn't hold onto a little piece of last night.
There was no point in getting my hopes up anyway.