What on earth just happened?
My entire body feels numb, the only thing I can feel my heart as is pounds slowly but heavily in my chest with each shallow breath I manage to take and although I should have realized this the second Harry pushed me away to escape back into the house, the gravity of the situation finally sinks in.
He's not coming back out.
I fish my bra out of the hot water and clasp it around my back. The fabric feels rough against my skin, the wet lace coarse on every inch it touches.
Like a fool, I look around Harry's outdoor space to make sure no one's looking before I step out but, obviously, no one's here. Trying to cover as much of myself as I can, I climb out of the boiling water and tiptoe to my small pile of clothes. The cool night air hits me and makes me shudder with goosebumps. Sad and alone, I pull on my dry clothes over my soaking wet body until they are very uncomfortably covering me.
And yes, it is as pitiful as it sounds.
I clean up our champagne glasses and the near-empty bottle and head back to the house, making sure to lock up behind me. As quick as I can, as to not get caught, I check on Prince and Lea who are sleeping soundly in their own crates and run upstairs.
My heart drops when I find myself outside of his bedroom door, my natural impulse to go to bed with him as strong as ever, but it's closed and I can hear the shower running. I feel like a stranger here.
This morning I wouldn't have thought twice about walking inside and getting ready for bed but now... well, now I feel like the girl who slept here the first night we met, incredibly out of place and wishing I was home.
Ironically enough I was soaking wet that night as well.
So, I find solace in the room Harry once told me I couldn't use anymore and shut the door behind me. I debate clicking the lock to ensure my privacy but given how our first Valentines Day turned out I'm sure I won't be needing it.
The guest room I once used every weekend so long ago now feels empty and foreign. Harry's clothes aren't strewn over the chair in the corner and there isn't a picture of him with his mum, Gemma, and Robin on his bedside table. Prince's dog bed, that he almost never uses, isn't set against the wall next to my side of the bed, and my open and overflowing weekender isn't piled under the window. There isn't a single thing of his in here and worst of all it doesn't smell like him, not the slightest hint of his signature tobacco and vanilla scent in the air.
This truly is the worst Valentine's Day in history.
I take the quickest shower possible using the shampoo that isn't his and dry my hair with the towel that hasn't been touched since his housekeeper laundered it months ago. With all my clothes soaked and drying on the rack, I have no other option but to wrap myself in the guest bathrobe and crawl into the perfectly made bed that hasn't been slept in since the last time I did.
All these things used to be so familiar to me, commonplace and yet they are each as foreign as the first time I entered this room and Harry was offering to grab my a bowl of rice for my dead phone.
Who would have guessed back then and after everything we've been through, that I'd be back here in the same position.
I pull the duvet up to my chin and curl up on my side of the bed still listening to his shower run just on the other side of the wall.
He's probably taking so long because he doesn't know how to face me.
But he needn't worry, I'll make it easy for him. Afterall, why make something this horrible more difficult than it has to be?
I just wish I knew what I did wrong to cause such an abrupt reaction. Was it because he was doing all the work? I can see how that gets annoying. I should have used my hands or kissed him harder, taken more of the initiative... but I thought I was doing that when I went to pull off my bra and started rubbing down on him.
Perhaps it wasn't enough but how couldn't it have been when I basically offered to have sex with him?
It certainly felt enough. I've never experienced him quite that hard and ready for action before but then again I had never wanted him that badly.
And I know I didn't hurt him because if I had he wouldn't have let me get away with it without a deep groan and a cheeky comment.
No, Harry just didn't want me in that way, plain and simple.
I choke back a sob and beg myself not to cry, my whole body seizing up from trying to contain myself so I don't emotionally explode on my pillow.
My blood runs cold when I hear the shower shut off and although I'm terrified, I'm torn between going in there and standing up to him or staying safe in the confines of this warm bed.
To be fair though, I am naked under here and given what's happened I doubt I have to confidence to look him in the eye let alone stand up to him.
There's no question, I'm going to stick with the latter. All questions will just have to wait for tomorrow. I'm too tired and rejected to move right now.
The soft mattress and the heavy duvet gradually start to warm me from the outside in, as each one of my muscles starts to relax and succumb to the darkness that surrounds me.
But no matter how many deep breaths I take or how hard I try to think of something else, my heart still sits heavy in my chest, weighing me down and acting as a constant reminder of the possibility that the man it beats for might not feel the same for me anymore.
He's just in the other room and I miss him.
I really, really miss him.
With every shuddering breath, I miss him more and more.
My eyes well up thinking of him on the other side of the wall, imagining him pushing his fingers through his wet hair in front of the mirror and how the towel wraps low on his hips showcasing his fern tattoos that border the deep lines that travel underneath the plush white towel.
I've watched his routine so many times and I took it for granted.
How foolish to not cherish it while I had it.
It might be premature to think of everything in the past tense but when your boyfriend rejects you when you're practically naked and extremely vulnerable doesn't bode well for a bright and fruitful future.
If I could be rational right now I'd try and think of all the positive reasons he might have for leaving but I'm too exhausted to hope for them let alone think of them. My thought process lies solely on the small comfort that comes from laying in this bed and how sunken and empty I feel.
Maybe when he goes to bed I'll run downstairs and grab Prince to come to sleep here with me. I'll probably have to bring Lea too or she might yelp the house down. Or she'd probably go find Harry. I don't think I could bare that though. That adorable little puppy was a representation of our little family only hours ago but now what are we?
I keep replaying our time in the hot tub in my head and it's agonizing, my whole body numb with pain by the mere thought of it.
We were two people in love and acting on it. I was finally showing him with my body rather than telling him how I feel and he was enjoying it. His body was telling me he was enjoying it but he couldn't have been given his final reaction.
Did he finally make the comparison I've been dreading he would, the one I've been trying not to make of myself, and suddenly miss all the hot models he's probably shared time with, in that very same jacuzzi?
Did he suddenly realize his mistake, the one I know Jeff has been saying he's been making this whole time and suddenly long for one of those Hollywood beauties Jeff probably has waiting in the wings?
No, Harry's not that shallow and I trust him but how can he say that I'm the only one he wants when he pushes me away so viciously?
Maybe he did realize. He is beautiful and kind and giving... he deserves so much more than I can possibly give him.
I press my hands over my face trying to rub out all the horribly intimate images that are popping up in my head of Harry and a faceless stick figure type but it's no use. Those are the kinds of girls he's meant to be with. He realized that and that's why were are spending our first Valentine's Day with a wall between us.
Jesus Mia, you won't know the truth until he tells you. Try and stop torturing yourself.
I just stare into the darkness, the only light in the room the cool stream of moonlight from the moon and stars outside.
What kills me is I simply don't understand. He says he loves me and I trust that. I'm holding onto it for dear life hoping that it's still the truth but how can that love still exist when I was so repellent to him a few minutes ago.
I'm not foolish enough to believe we can have a real relationship without sex and I know I've been delaying it for my own nervous reasons but if he doesn't want me physically than what real hope do we have?
Because I want him physically, in every which way I can possibly have him, it's just been getting my mind to shut up and let it happen that's been holding me back. Doesn't seem like I'll have to worry about getting myself to that point anymore.
I waited too long. I can't believe I waited too long and now he' doesn't want me.
My eyelids start to feel as heavy as my heart when I hear Harry finally cease all movement in his ensuite and go to bed.
The silence in the house is palpable and it does nothing to help my mind from wandering to every single horrible image and terrible feeling I've experienced tonight.
But as long as there is silence it means I'm safe from the conversation we're going to eventually have. There is no energy left in me to think rationally let alone listen to what Harry might have to say right now.
Yes, silence is good.
I feel my heartbeat in my ears and swallow down the lump in my throat as I try to force myself to sleep but even if I can relax my body there is no way I can shut off my mind.
It almost feels like I'm having an out of body experience, that this is all some terrible nightmare and I'll wake up soon, my nose against Harry's chest and his nibble fingers stroking my hair.
But it's not. Tomorrow morning I'll wake up, naked and alone and even more heartbreaking than I am now.
I wish I understood what happened and I wish I had the strength to accept Harry's answers. Right now, I can't. The last few weeks have been so amazing and in one moment it all comes tumbling down.
If only I could go back in time and refuse to get into that hot tub in the first place.
The sound of a door opening cracks through the comforting silence and my heart stops as I listen intently to each new movement. I hold my breath as I listen to Harry walking slowly along the hall, right past my door and down the stairs and only exhale when I hear nothing once more.
I guess he was thirsty.
And then a glimmer of hope. Somewhere in a distant part of the house, I believe I hear Harry call my name. For a split second, I have the urge to jump out of bed and seek the 'Harry Hug' I so desperately need right now but he's also the reason I'm in here so I stay put, curl my legs up and try to sleep.
But there is no point in trying to sleep because the next thing I notice is a tunnel of light breaking past the darkness quickly followed by three soft knocks.
"Mia... are you awake?"
At least he asked.
I don't move or make a sound hoping that no response will result in Harry going back into his own bed and leaving me in the little peace that I can get tonight.
Suddenly the bed dips at the end, Prince's chubby body jumping up and taking his rightful spot laying by my feet.
I hope Harry leaves me be tonight, I might love him but Prince is all I need or want right now.
The door is closed and for a moment it's so quiet I'm sure I could hear a pin drop. But such solace doesn't last long because a second later I hear Harry step across the room and to the opposite side of the bed. He pulls back the covers and under, my heart beating so fast I'm sure he can hear it.
My body goes rigid when I feel him come up behind me, his arm tentatively wrapping around my waist as he curves his body to match mine. "Mia, my love," he kisses the back of my neck before he presses his nose into my damp hair. "Are you awake?"
I squeeze my eyes shut and quickly choke back a sob at the sound of his voice and the feel of his body.
How can this be the same man who left me outside?
I'm trying to reconcile to two men I've spent tonight with, the sweet Harry who got us a puppy and the heartbreaker you abandoned me for an unknown reason, but there is no solution for it, none that I can come up with anyway. The emotion is too much, the need to break away from his hold and be alone so great in my mind but my body too tired and scared to move a muscle.
Tears slowly stream down my face, producing a wet patch on the pillow under my cheek. I spread my fingertips over my lips to keep quiet but the rest of my body betrays me as I shiver.
"Mia, what did I do?"
He can't honestly be asking me that question.
Now my body is not only overcome with heartbreak but is also bombarded with anger and frustration. If Harry is trying to play the clueless man right now, I don't think I'll be able to take it.
Luckily there isn't another word that passes between us, and I fall into a very restless sleep. The entire night I keep waking up only to find Harry still there, pressed against my back and breathing evenly.
It must be around four in the morning when I lull out of my sleep once more and feel him in the exact same position behind me. My cheeks are still clammy from falling asleep with tears dropping from my eyes and on impulse, wanting to get my face away from the wet patch I've created on the pillowcase, I turn toward Harry forgetting for a moment that we're not in a good place right now.
I'm facing him before I can stop myself but what makes me jump out of my skin is the fact that my eyes meet his wide open ones instantly. "Jesus Harry, why are you awake?"
My chest rises and falls in rapid succession as I pull back so I can breathe and try to calm down a little.
"Because I've been worried all night about you," his voice is low and thick with exhaustion, his large hand cupping my cheek after pushing some of my unruly hair behind my ear. "Why are you in here?"
My insides nearly snap.
"It's nothing," I mumble harshly, turning back around to face the window that overlooks the scene of the crime.
I will not play into whatever game he has going on here. Harry obviously knows what he did wrong and why he's acting like a typical man is beyond me.
When I settle back down on the edge of the bed I can't help the smile that spreads across my face when I see Prince laying just on the floor next to me.
My sweet fluffy boy.
My moment of pure happiness drops when Harry attaches his lips to the back of my neck, whispering an 'I'm sorry' each time his lips detach from my skin.
I don't say anything. I can't. Harry might be apologetic but I still have no idea why Valentine's Day ended the way it did and until I do, I can't get past this and quite honestly he shouldn't expect me to.
I lay stalk still staring at the wall, my insides completely frozen the need to get away from him slowly frizzling up from my gut and propel me out of the bed.
There is no way I can stay here.
So, I kick my legs out from under the covers and try to get up, but Harry's arms are like steel around my middle and I can't sit up.
"Harry," I choke back a sob just having to say his name as I try to pry his hands from me but it's no use. He pulls me in tighter and buries his head in deeper. "Let me go."
"No," his tone just as stern as his grip on me. I try to move again but his other arm sneaks between my mattress and my side to curls around my waist and somehow he manages to pull my legs in with one his own. I'm completely tangled up in Harry, every ounce of pain and hurt ripping through me even with him trying to so desperately keep me together.
I can't take him holding me. With every new sensation, his touch produces only pushes me to remember his torn up face the second before he pushed me from him. And the fact that I'm naked, the sources of his distaste, underneath this terrycloth robe doesn't help one bit.
He can't see me exposed again. Look what it brought me.
"Let me out of bed," I say weakly, my fingers prying at his own fingers but again he takes it as an opportunity to hold me closer, his long fingers taking mine and holding them to his chest.
"No, not until you tell me what you're thinking."
He really doesn't want to know the answer to that question.
The struggle continues as I think of all the things that have been swirling through my mind since he up and left me outside. Everything is too overwhelming, each possibility rushing through my bloodstream like a disease, gripping my entire body and making me sick to my stomach.
I don't care if I'm being dramatic. It's real and Harry has not even attempted to give me an explanation. One feeble apology doesn't cut it and has done nothing to settle my heart.
"You don't want to know what I'm thinking," I whisper harshly, finally freeing one hand to whip the tears that have been streaming from my eyes this entire time.
Harry stills for a moment, hopefully taking in the seriousness of my tone. I want him to let me go so I can sit on the bathroom floor and have some room to breathe but knowing Harry, I'll never get that no matter how hard I beg.
"Mia please talk to me."
"I'm not the one who needs to explain anything."
"Mia please–"
"No, I don't. How can I when I have no idea what happened," I snap and by the whimper, I feel shudder through his body, I think he's finally resigning to the fact that if anyone has to step out on the ledge tonight and be brutally honest, it's him. "What happened to us?"
I'm terrified of the answer but I need to know and eventually, things will be fine. Whatever he says, it's fine. He can say that he doesn't want me like that or say he made a mistake, either will be fine, I just need to know. It's this horrible grey area, this horrible place of not knowing that's killing me.
"Mia, I love you. I'm so sorry for acting that way."
I've had enough of this.
I twist over in Harry's death grip and in his moment of weakness, he loosens his hold on me giving me the chance to push him away enough for a prominent gap to grow between us. "I don't care that you're sorry! I want to know what happened."
The words burst past my lip before I can stop them, my blood running cold so I tighten the robe closer around my body, but it doesn't matter how much I have covering me, answers are the only thing that can get me out of this and even then I'm not sure how I'll feel.
Despite my outburst, Harry moves closer to me, his every movement tentative yet calculated as his arm rests over my side on top of the covers, his forehead touching mine for a moment before pulling away.
But no matter what he does I can't look at him, I don't know who he is right now.
It's obvious he doesn't know what to say or maybe his emotion is getting the better of him, but I know he's not going to say anything.
I've never seen him like this, totally unsure and speechless.
His hold, even one as slight as this one, feels so loving and warm, he's drawing me in instead of pushing me away but no matter how sweet the connection feels the tears are still flowing and my heart still throbs in my chest.
"How can you be the same person?" Now I can't help but sob so I cover my eyes and curl up into a ball next to him, physically too exhausted to do anything else. "I thought... we were kissing and touching and it felt so good. I thought you liked it–"
"I did, Mia. I–"
"Let me finish!" I huff out a breath, furiously rubbing my eyes to try and stop myself from crying more but there's no stopping the tears. "We were kissing and touching when you said that... that you didn't want to be with me in that way and then you left," the words tasting like bile as I force them out of my throat. "That's why I'm in here."
Maybe now I've given him an answer he'll give me some in return.
He releases a sigh and presses his lips to my forehead but I flinch back unable to handle such an intimate touch. By his weighted breath, I can tell he's frowning, probably looking at me with pity and concern as he tries to find the words to tell me his true feelings.
"Mia, that's not what said."
"You did," I tearfully roll my eyes. "You said you didn't want to fuck me and needed to leave. And don't' tell me you didn't because you did... that's not something I can ever forget."
My skin is overcome with goosebumps when his fingertips graze my cheek until they dip down under my chin but I'm shaking my head before he can try and meet my eye. "Love, please look at me." But I only shake my head again.
I'm a coward but I just can't look at him. If I do I'll get lost in those perfect green eyes and the cute mole on the edge of his jaw. I'll be sucked into the perfect Harry vortex I've been living in since his birthday and I just can't. I need to be strong and if that means looking away from him until I can muster up the strength than I will.
"Yes, I did say that but it's so far from what you think I meant," he sighs sounding more defeated than I have ever heard him. "Love, you deserve more than a quick fuck in the hot tub. I know what I ended up doing was bad, it was the worst thing I could have done but please believe me when I say I was so close to ruining that moment for us, I had to remove myself from the situation. We've made such a big deal about it that taking you like that wouldn't have done the two of us justice." I scrunch my nose up and try to understand but the words aren't touching me. I can't feel a single thing. "I didn't expect for us to get that far. I love to tease you and want you so fucking bad that when you offered it up I... I..."
But I thought that's what he wanted.
"I've never felt like that before. I've it's never, not once, felt a connection so strong that it rendered me completely at someone's mercy and it scared me. No matter how good it felt being so close to you, it wasn't the right time or place." But to end it like that? "Fuck, I'm probably saying all the wrong things but please understand, I was really hard and crazed with my lust for you I could barely control myself. I know it's not an excuse but please, you have to know that I want you. I've dreamed of having you so many times and I promise I'll take you in that hot tub one day but not like that. The first time I make love to you, I'm gonna to it right, even try to have you a few times but it's going to be what you deserve."
I bite the inside of my cheek to try and stop the tears from flowing but they do anyway. I've heard every word but the damage is already done and I can't process any of them.
Actions speak louder than words and even if he said all the right things, we've both going to go to sleep with this unresolved.
"Mia did you hear–" his hand smooths over my cheek but the moment he tries to tilt my head back I pull back.
"I heard you," but it didn't help.
Harry must get that I'm thoroughly drained from all that's happened today because he doesn't push anything more and instead lays next to me, the only sound heard the soft breaths between the two of us.
So I was right, he didn't want to have sex with me.
I don't know how much time passes before I roll over onto my other side, unable to face him even if I'm not looking at him.
"Can I sleep here tonight?" I don't answer, knowing he'll do exactly what he wants anyway. "I won't touch you... I'll put Prince between us if that will make you feel more comfortable." I shake my head liking that fact that I can see him on the floor beside me, his bright eyes and cute wet nose making me feel a little bit like myself.
"Mia?"
"It doesn't matter," I mutter, sweeping the tears that break past my eyelids begging myself not to sob into his sheets.
I peel my eyes open, Harry's entire body pressed against my back but not wrapped around me like normal. The only way I know I slept actual sleep was the fact that I just opened my eyes but it doesn't feel like it. My heart is still heavy in my chest, each of my muscles tense as I replay the events of last night.
I can't believe it actually happened.
But the pain is very real and the only thing I know I need to do is get some space. In the last few weeks, I've been with Harry constantly. We went from spending every weekend together, to traveling to England to visit his family, and then once we got back it's just been the two of us. It's the 15th of February and I haven't spent a single night at my own home since.
It's a hard realization to come to because I love being with him but we need this or at the very least, I do.
I've been so caught up in Harry and our life together that I've completely forgotten my own life and the things I want to achieve and if Harry's rejection was the thing to shed light on that then so be it.
He had his explanation and after sleeping on it I do understand where he's coming from but he did it in the worst way. The damage has been done and I need to focus on myself for a little bit before I can reach a place where I can adequately focus on him. I'll get there and I'll do my best to be who he needs in the months to come but until then I need to boost myself up to get there and for that to happen I need some time and space.
Harry's not going to like it but sometimes you need to do what's best for yourself to do what's best for everyone even if they can't see that at first.
My whole heart hurts over this situation and the fact that I need to be away from him to help myself makes it even harder but I really think it's the best solution.
Obviously, we both need to think things over.
Luckily Harry is in a deep sleep so I can slip out of bed without waking him. For a moment I stand there, Prince at my feet and Lea at Harry's on the bed, and look at him. His short curls are sticking out in all different directions against the crisp white sheets, his eyelashes resting against his soft cheeks, and his lips formed into a natural pout.
God, he's beautiful.
If it were any other day, any other time, I'd crawl back into bed and sleep until he wakes me but like so many others things, I can't, not this morning.
The moment I step into his room I'm bombarded by all the things that I missed last night in the guestroom. His clothes are thrown into the chair that sits in the corner and I can faintly smell his cologne in the air. I almost jump in and crawl into his bed but it's not the same without him anyway so I stick to my plan and pull out clothes for today.
I'm fully dressed and get about fifteen minutes of peace before I see Prince's head pop up to a presence at the door. My heart drops into my gut, the fact that I'm about to face him for the first time since last night making my whole body tense.
We might have slept next to each other but this is the harsh light of day, we have to face this and try to work through it. Decisions are going to have to be made and that can either make or break us.
"Mia?" I peer over my shoulder for a moment, only long enough to see Harry's lean body propped up against the doorframe, hair complete mess, that palm of his right hand rubbing his eyes. "What are you doing?" His tone is slightly more frantic this time but I just continue folding my clothes.
I take a deep breath when I hear Harry walk into the room and sit down on the edge of the bed. "Mia?"
"I think it's best if I go home for a few days," I say quietly, trying not to lose focus on my task at hand.
"What? No!" Harry is wide awake now, his scared tone breaking my heart a little bit.
Am I doing the right thing?
"Love please, I'm–"
"Harry, it's fine," I turn around to face him, leaning against the window with my arms folded over my chest. "I haven't been home in ages and it feels like the right time."
"But I don't want you to leave." His fingers push through his tangled hair, his fingers getting stuck for a moment before he pulls himself free again. "Mia there's no need to leave."
"I think there is," I shrug, not daring to look him in the eye because I know the moment I do I will want to stay more than I already do. This whole situation is ripping me right through the heart and it's hard to breathe.
I have to do this for me.
"Well, I don't," he snaps back like a child and sending a surge of anger through my system.
"Well, I need space," I admit prematurely and watch tragically as his face falls completely.
"Well, I want you to move in with me," he bursts, waving his arms out to the sides as if welcoming me into his home.
"Harry! That's insane," I yell, turning around and starting to just grab my things and shove them into my bag without caring what it looks like.
"Don't you want to?"
Of course, I do! But he can't know that.
I jump when his hands land on my hips. We are both breathing heavily, the closeness too much for this situation so I back up and pull at my fingers in frustration.
"Harry that's not the point!" I yell at him, unable to keep my emotions in check anymore. Too much hurt already and now he's throwing this in my face like it's nothing? It's just not on.
"It is though!" Harry's tone is hesitant and full of hurt, hitting me right where it hurts. "I want to be with you all the time. I wanted to ask you last night but I fucked up, okay. That was my real gift. Please, I want you here. Move in with me."
"Stop asking me that." Now I'm really angry. He's just digging himself deeper and deeper and I hate this. There are so many things we need to sort out before we can move in together and he doesn't seem to have any idea.
"Moving in together should be something fun and exciting and life-changing... not a quick fix for something that's broken. That's not fair!"
He seems taken aback by my word choice but it's the truth.
Something is broken between us. I thought we were on the same page but we aren't.
"Love, I'm sorry," he sits down on the edge of the bed looking defeated, his legs crossed at his ankles and his hands hiding his face. "I shouldn't have asked you like that, but you can't run away every time there's an issue."
"Say's the man who literally ran away last night," I grumble under my breath as I turn back to zip my bag.
"Excuse me?"
I take a deep breath holding back the words that so desperately scratch at my throat to come out again but they won't do any good. He's given me his explanation. "Harry, I'm not running away. I'm right here."
"But you're leaving."
"For a few days," I wave my arms up and let them fall so they slap at my sides. "I need to have my own things. I have to meet my editor tomorrow and I haven't even begun to prepare for it. I've been working so hard to get my writing out there. I spent months writing and editing and I haven't even thought about it in I don't know how long. I'm not running away but I do need space to focus on my things. I love you and I promise I will be here to support you with your album but I need the time to do the same for myself until that happens."
I would have never guessed that this is how this whole predicament would have led us but here we are.
There's no going back now.
"Do you not think I support you?"
"Of course, I know you do," I lean back against the wall and rub my face, hoping the right words come to make him understand. "I didn't say that."
"It sounds like you think it."
"Jesus, Harry, you're not listening. You will have the whole summer for promo and then months and months of tour that's entirely about you and I'm so excited for all of it. You have no idea how much I'm looking forward to experiencing all that with you but before it happens, I need to get my book out and feel satisfied with myself. I don't think that's unreasonable."
He looks up at me frantically, obviously surprised that our conversation about our possible sex like turned into this but here we are. It's the first time I've actually looked at him since last night and he looks so tired, worn out the same way I am.
Gosh, who knew Valentine's Day would take such a toll?
"Okay, I'm listening. I am... I just... why can't you do all that here?"
"Because I can't. I want to go home."
"Then let me take you."
"Hunter will be here in ten minutes," I explain to him bracing myself to his distaste in my decision.
"Hunter!" He jumps to his feet with as much energy as he held behind his yell. "Are you fucking kidding me?"
"You hired him to protect me!" I argue back, the idea of having personal security absurd but a comfort after what we went through, physically and emotionally on our return to LAX. "We agreed on this."
He just looks at me for a few moments, his breath weighted and sparse as he muddles through his thoughts.
"Mia is this your way of... are you leaving me?"
I shake my head. "Not in the way you're thinking. I'm just going home."
"Well, picking Hunter to drive you instead of your bloody boyfriend isn't very reassuring love."
And I completely snap, every emotional hinge inside me bursting as everything I wanted to and should have said last night come hurtling forward.
"Who the hell do you think you are? I should have left last night but I didn't. I stayed, let you hold me, let you give me all your feeble excuses and you have the nerve to sit there looking like a lost puppy and accuse me of being the one wanting out of this relationship?"
Well, I'm not the one who left when the other offered to sleep with them.
He better not think I'll be getting that vulnerable anytime soon after that little display.
"You think it's hard to be passed over as my driver? Well, neither is offering yourself up to someone you love and trust only to be dumped and left in the hot tub naked and alone."
He buries his face in his hands in pure anguish and I feel a slight tinge of guilt for screaming at him like that but I can guarantee that what he's feeling isn't nearly as bad as what I've been feeling since last night.
Okay, maybe he does know.
I stand and wait as he takes a few moments to steady himself before walking slowly to me. Tears fill my eyes as he gets closer, I want to pull away but I don't move knowing that even though he's the one that hurt me, his touch will soothe and comfort me in a way only he can.
He takes my hands in his, bringing each one up to kiss each of my knuckles before he presses our tangled fingers against his chest.
I can feel his heart racing and close my eyes once his forehead rests on mine.
"Love... I'm so sorry. You have no idea." I'm starting to. "I panicked. I've been thinking about that moment for so long that the second you said we could and that you wanted to... christ, I was so fucking happy but then I started thinking about it. You're so perfect and beautiful and deserve so much more. I should have told you that last night but I was hard and you were only in those white knickers and you felt so warm and good... fuck I'm so sorry. I freaked out and did what I did because I want you more than anything, not because I don't."
I take a deep shuddering breath and open my eyes only to see his are closed now. I take in his words willing myself to believe him and most of me does, but there is still that sliver of doubt that crawls in and fights every little thing he says.
"I understand." I lean up and let my lips touch his but pull away before we actually kiss. "But you have to understand how hard it was to get there and then to finally let go of everything only to be pushed away..." a tear falls down my cheek and I free my hand from his to wipe it away. His eyes snap open and sighs.
"I'm only going home for a few days," I try to reassure him seeing how devastated he is in his eyes.
"Please stay," he begs me. "You can stay in the guest room if you need to but–" my phone dings signaling Hunter is here. "Mia?"
"He's here." I step back and go to grab my bag but Harry takes it before I can. His free hand latches onto mine without a word and leads me out into the hallway, Prince, and Lea close behind.
He brings me downstairs without a word, handing my bag to Hunter and asking him to wait by the car. Hunter agrees and the moment the door closes, Harry walks me back until I'm up against the wall.
I can feel he's holding back and trying to understand where I'm coming from but I know Harry and letting me go with no clear way to control or fix this situation immediately is killing him.
"Can I kiss you goodbye?"
My eyes swell with tears as I take his face in my hand and nod.
His lips are on mine not a second later, the sweet taste of his lips mixing with the saltiness of the tears we've both shed this morning.
Our relationship has shifted and it's truly scary. This is really the first time Harry and I, on our own, have messed things up. Sure we've had our arguments, some pranks gone wrong, not to mention my catastrophic first impression to Harry's parents, but this is us and how we get through it will reveal so much.
Space will be good. Time will be good. Harry doesn't believe this but it will, it has to be.
My lips move against his with just as tentatively as he does, both of our movements slow and deep. Harry pulls me in even deeper, each of his arms wrapping around my body and pressing himself against me. I fall slack into his hold, wrapping my arms around his neck and completely giving my nervous and awkward self to him
I'm completely taken with him just like I was the first time we kissed. So much has happened since that memorable night and so many things have changed but past all the misunderstanding It's just me and Harry.
We'll get through this. We have to.
His tongue sweeps past my lips and meets mine but there's no dominance behind it, just longing and devotion.
This the Harry I fell in love with.
He's warm and safe and even after last night, I know he's who I'm meant to be with.
"You'll come back, yeah?" He mumbles against my lips, his eyes squeezed closed and his fingers digging into my skin. "You have to come back."
Hearing Harry beg only makes me feel worse for leaving even though I know it's the right thing to do.
I have to go, just for a little while.
"Harry, I promise," I kiss the corner of his mouth before holding his forehead firmly against mine. "I'll always come back."
___
A/N: I'm so excited to finish writing this chapter from Harry's POV. In a sick way, I think it's going to be more heartbreaking and I love writing heartbreak... and yes this is probably why I'm still single.
And some shameless self-promotion. Go read Infamous which is just Hia's story from Harry's POV! I'm working on getting those chapters up to date so yay! Also, there will be a time when Harry's POV will come first. We still have a ways to go before that part of the story but just so you know, it will happen.
Now onto the wonderful pictures, all the wonderful people shared from Harry's numerous concerts and my insane comments.
Sunrise Florida
Foooooooook he enjoys that too much. And look at how freakin' fluffy his hair looks!
Oh hello, chest hair. We welcome you.
Thank god some things never change!!!!!
Always so subtle yet so supportive. He makes each act like this count, well done Mr. Styles.
He deserves all the applause. All. Of. It.
Sure this suit wasn't flashy like some of his other ones but when it fits perfectly, there's no beating it!
Duluth, Georgia
Oh to be a guitar and have Harry play me (said innocently... at first. I am a writer after all so yes, my mind has gone off to some very naughty places. All good inspiration for Hia, wink wink).
By this point we all know I'm a sucker for Harry in a tank, it's just so pleasing to the eye.
We live at the same time as Harry Edward Styles!
Not many clear shots of the back of his head but look how pretty.
Is he as awkward as Mia (and us) sometimes? I think yes.
Nashville, Tennessee
His suit sparkling perfectly on the outside to reflect how he sparkles on the inside.
As if the pose wasn't cute enough, his little mic pouch matches his suit. Cue an awe moment.
Even abstracted his smile is still everything.
His stage presence is insane. It knocked me out when I saw him at MSG and I'm still not over it.
So happy this foot pop has become one of his moves AND that Mitch joins in sometimes!
His torso looks so flat and toned... what I wouldn't give to...
Oh boy, I need some holy water or something after this one.
As always thank you to all those who post our pics and thank you sooooo much for reading and supporting this story. I love and appreciate you all and keep up the good work.
VOTE + COMMENT
All the love C.