< Iris- Goo goo dolls>
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
<Freaking out- Spencer Sutherland>
I get insecure, that makes me sick, yeah
I'm trying to find the cure for all this shit
Oh woah
So I try, but you welcome it
Through having a fight so we fuck through it
—
I SAT ON THE BEACH, SMILING, staring up at the sky. I didn't know why I was happy, I just knew everything felt perfect. The water hit my skin as I sat up, watching the pitch black water hit my skin then retreat into the ocean.
Everything warped into a room, I sat on the floor by an open closet and my hands were digging through a shoe box. I didn't know what I was doing, but yet I knew at the same time. I grabbed a red ring with a golden band from the box, staring at it in confusion.
Nostalgia wiped over me, overtaking my body. My body hunched over the ring, wanting to protect the thing for some reason. I looked over my shoulder, finding someone familiar sitting behind me, I frowned, glancing back and forth between the girl and the ring.
I shook my head, next thing I knew, I was sitting in a chair across from a casket. I looked around, finding everyone dressed in black and frowns over their damp cheeks. I tilted my head to the side, finding a child sitting besides me.
I grabbed the little girl's hand, squeezing it in my own. I was feeling mixed emotions, I just couldn't pin point which I was feeling the most. Pain was the most prominent one, but it wasn't physical- more mental. My heart was hurting as I held back the tears brimming my eyes, instead I focused on watching the grass sway side to side from the wind.
~~~
"Fuck," I hissed as I rubbed my blurry eyes, waking up from my nap. I had the same dream for the tenth time this week, it's getting creepy at this point.
I stood up from the bed, stretching my arms over my head and running a hand down my face. "Ethan!" Cynthia called, startling me as she sat at the desk by the small Tv. "You're awake finally, now we can go swimming." She grinned as I slowly nodded, running a hand down my face.
"Maybe later, I'm not in the mood." I yawned, moving towards the mini fridge underneath the marbled counter. I opened it up, finding nothing but bottles of vodka and walnuts. Paying fifty dollars for this damn hotel room and there's not even a single pudding cup in here, I groaned out loud and laid on the floor.
"You know, there must be like millions of germs on the floor," Cynthia informed me as she stood up and only now did I notice she was in her favorite red two piece bathing suit. Towering over me as I laid on the floor, her lips twisted in disgust. I rolled my eyes, twisting my body to turn away from her.
"It's cleaner than your mouth," I spat as I remembered why I took a nap in the first place.
"God, you're still mad?" She asked as if I was acting absurd. I scoffed, crossing my arms over my chest even though it was very uncomfortable laying on my side.
Yes, I'm mad, idiot. I thought, grinding my teeth. She just had to flirt with the life guard when we're here together. It's like she wants me to be angry at this point. She can't keep her legs closed for anyone, and it's making me...I would never admit this...but it's making me insecure.
Am I not fucking good enough for her? I ask myself every time I catch her cheating. It's starting to freak me out on how attached I am to her, because even though she fucks with my head, I still go running back to her.
Some people say we don't actually love each other and are only dating for popularity, but it's not true...sorta. I could've broken up with her a long time ago, but something about her has me pulling back in every time.
I flirt with other girls to get back at her, but it never ends well. Because even though I do it, I never really mean it, and every time Cynthia finds out she gets all fucking clingy on me after we fight and have makeup sex. "I love you," she sighed as I rolled onto my back, glaring up at her.
After I caught her exchanging numbers with the guy, I stormed upstairs and pushed over the trash can and fell asleep- dramatic, I fuckin know, but I didn't know what else to do. And, now that I'm awake, I'm sort of praying to fall asleep again.
"Love you too," I grunted, standing up and stomping to the bathroom. Even though sometimes I hate her guts, she's still a girl and always cries when I don't reply to her I love yous. I hate it when she cries and she uses that as a weapon against me.
But, let me tell you something about love.
Love: the stories over exaggerate the SHIT out of it. The tingles and stuff, doesn't exist- at least I don't think so. I had my fair share of relationships and breakups and fights and stuff, I've said 'I love you' more than a million times to many girls.
I don't understand the big hype around the three words. It's. Just. Some. Words. It's not sacred, and they don't have a meaning to it really- if you don't want it to. Words could mean anything, like saying 'fuck You' now, could mean 'I love you' in ten years.
So yeah, I'll say 'I love you' a million times to millions different girls, and I couldn't give a shit. Maybe if the 'tingles' or the 'electricity' shit was actually REAL, then I would care. Other than that, reality is bullshit and we all gotta work with it.
I slammed the bathroom door shut, looking at myself in the mirror. "Fuckin shit," I groaned, rubbing my tired eyes more vigorously. I turned on the faucet and splashed cold water onto my face, scolding my reflection.
This relationship isn't going to work. Just end it. You're not the type to be held down, and definitely not the type to get your heart broken by a bitch.
I've broken up with her like five times, but her lips and the way her body moves has me trained to come back like a damn dog.
Just leave the hotel, leave her, go!
I shook my head, my hazel eyes seeming darker in the mirror. This has to end, tonight. She's made you insecure. Everyone at school thinks you're cocky, but she's fucking that up for you by messing with your head and playing you like a fool.
I ran another hand down my face, glancing at the door. One more time, one more try.
I stepped out the bathroom to find Cynthia in only her bra and underwear, laid out on the bed, licking her lips and green eyes darker with lust.
•••
"I can't fucking believe you!" She screamed as I ran a hand through my hair, glaring at her in the reflection of the mirror.
"You started this shit! Don't you pull that on me!" I yelled back, storming out the bathroom and into the bedroom. "At least I didn't get her damn number!" I picked up the piece of paper she got from the lifeguard earlier from off the nightstand.
"You would've if I didn't walk in!" She followed behind me like a whiny puppy.
"It's not like you were being incognito when trying to get fucked by the lifeguard, you did it in the open! It's like me looking up porn in public; it's expected to get exposed, Cynthia! Do you like this!" I turned around, my nostrils flaring as my fists balled at my side. "Do you like making me like this? You wanted me to catch you, you wanted me to be jealous- or what you would say, jelly." I mimicked my voice by raised it an octave higher as I flailed my arms around to mock her.
Her eyes glossed over as I went on, "you like this cycle, you like it when we fight because you like the makeup sex, don't you? You're fuckin crazy!" The vein in my neck popped out as I paced around the room while she stood in the bathroom doorway. "You don't actually love me," I came to this conclusion as I cocked my head to the side. "You never loved me," I whispered as she shook her head, trying to convince me otherwise but I backed away another step. "You like my name, my popularity, my body- but never me, Cynthia. You say the 'I love you' shit, but you never really did. And for a second-" I raised a finger in the air, "-you fooled me. You fooled me into believing you loved me."
"It's not like that, Ettey-" she opened her arms wide for me, a tear falling down her cheek as I forced myself to not care, to look away- not to step into her arms for once and forgive her mistakes again.
"Yes, yes it is." I held a hand up, "we've broken up so many times, but this is it. This is really it." I picked up my already packed bag from off the floor by the closet, swinging it over my shoulder as I had to keep my eyes away from hers. I knew the second I looked into the teary forest greens I would break down and try to comfort her.
"Ethan!" She yelled after me as I stormed out the room and towards the elevator. She followed me down the hall, trying to get me to stay but I refused to a knowledge her.
"We're done, what more do you want from me!" I yelled after she yanked my bag from off my back, tossing it aside.
"You're not giving up on us. I've put my heart and soul into this relationship and I make one mistake-"
"One mistake," I echo then bitterly laugh. "It's been twenty-far-too many mistakes, Cynthia. I never slept with anyone but you because I actually tried to commit to this shit relationship. And what did you do? Your heart and soul? If that's so true, why did you let more than fifteen guys make that pussy you own looser than a hooker's?" I scoffed, shaking my head as the elevator dinged and opened. "Do yourself a favor and stop looking so fuckin desperate to be popular and walk away before you embarrass yourself more." I picked up my back and slipped it back on.
Tears were streaming down her cheeks as I looked straight into her eyes. My hand lifted to wipe them away like usual, but I dropped it in midair then shuffled into the elevator, and continually pressed onto the close button.
I sighed against the wall as the doors closed, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I stared up at the ceiling, counting to ten.
I looked down at my phone, texting the one person I could always rely on. He didn't answer so I started to blow up his phone, afraid that he wouldn't answer.
My breaths were shorter as the elevator seemed to close in on me. I swallowed the lump in my throat. Don't you dare fuckin cry over that bitch!
I won't cry, I won't cry, everything will be alright.
Don't cry.
I won't.
Punch something.
I will.
The room seemed to tighten, bringing a heavy weight to my chest as I steadied myself against the railing. Tears were shinning in my eyes but I refused to let them fall.
I pressed the floor I wanted on the buttons and closed my eyes, sighing out loudly. After taking long inhales and exhales, I pressed call on my brother's number and made sure my voice wasn't shaky.
"What do you need?" He growled into the receiver as I was glad he hadn't changed in the past few hours. I needed things to be stable- I needed something not to feel like it was spinning out of control for right now.
"I need you to fuckin pick me up from the hotel."
"Why? Another fight?" He taunted as I heard the shower turn off in the background.
"Yeah. We broke up." I kept my tone steady as if I didn't care, even though I was bracing myself from the tears a few seconds ago.
"Oh," it went quiet as if he was thinking. "I'll be there in a few, text me the address." His tone was softer as he hung up, leaving me to stare at the elevator doors.
I passed the lobby and went straight outside, sitting on the curb of the hotel as the stars in the night shined bright in the sky. I sighed loudly, staring up at them.
Maybe like the sappy fuckin movies there's someone who's not a whore staring up at the stars like me right now, thinking what I'm thinking: I'm hungry for pudding, and I hate sluts.
The more I thought about Cunthyia, the angrier I became. Like usual, I turned my pain into anger and I knew exactly who I was going to take it out on when I got home.
The Jeep pulled up as I stood up, about to open the passengers side until I saw a familiar face sitting in my seat. My brows furrowed, about to ask but I knew I would just yell so instead I jumped into the backseat without a word.
Grayson glanced back at me as I glared out the window, slamming the car door shut. I caught Olivia watching me in the rear view mirror, but when I went to glare, she quickly looked out the window like a weird ass.
I slumped into my seat, folding my arms and staring down at my thighs. I can't believe I let her ruin me, I can't believe I let her hurt me.
You never really cared for her. You liked the idea of having someone by your side- not Cynthia.
Bullshit.
You never really meant 'I love you', you just became close with her and attached. You were lonely and she took up your time.
True, all so fuckin true.
I sighed out loud, watching the road pass by as my foot tapped along to the song playing through the car. I couldn't identify it, but I knew it was one of those bands that had a weird name.
I looked up after some time, notching there was a tension in the air that I didn't cause. It was between Olivia and Grayson, who seemed to dodge each other's eyes.
What the fuck happened between them?
We were home minutes later, I was the first one out of the car as he parked it and into the house. I stomped up the stairs into my room and dived for my pudding cups. I opened the hidden mini fridge behind my desk and was about to grab a cup when I stared at it.
Something was different about it.
My eyes flickered to every cup, and counted my inventory. One was missing that I didn't eat. One was missing out of my secret mini fridge.
"Grayson," I growled, standing up. I opened my door and skipped down stair steps as I guessed he would be down there with his guest.
Why the hell is Olivia even doing here?
Maybe she's here to fuck Grayson,
She wouldn't even fuck him, she's innocent Mary.
I shook away the thoughts, finding Olivia alone on the couch with blankets laid out around her. She stared off into the distance, her brows furrowed as if she was thinking.
Her shirt looks familiar,
I watched her think and for some reason, I just stood there. It was creepy if someone walked in on me staring at her, but she seemed so deep in thought that it was mesmerizing.
It's weird to think we'll sometimes never know what someone is thinking. And, every time I look at her, I want to ask "what are you thinking?" Because almost all the time, she's in her head- at dinners or at school.
"Did you need something, Ethan?" Her eyes shot up to meet mine, they were wide in surprise. Apprehension engulfed her features as she waited for me to speak.
I almost stuttered but cleared my throat, "Have you seen Grayson?" I haven't talked to her in forever, and now that I am, it feels awkward and stale.
"He's in his room I think," she said quietly and placed her wet hair into a bun. I nodded then stood there, as if waiting for something.
I walked back up the stairs, scratching my scalp. Entering my room, I grabbed a pudding cup and made a mental note to beat the shit out of Grayson for eating my pudding.
I pulled a spoon from my desk drawer and started to eat, pacing my room. Stop thinking! I commanded myself but all my mind did was think and think and think.
It never stopped and it never ended- only when I did one thing.
I finished the cup and tossed it in the trash bin, searching through my closet and changing into my basketball shorts and ragged shirt. I grabbed my phone and pushed it into my pocket.
I jogged down the stairs, noticing the house was dead silent. I hate the quiet, it always needs to be loud or else my thoughts would invade the silence.
I slipped into the living room and was startled to find an asleep Olivia on the couch. I watched her from afar, from the way the slow breaths left her lips and the way her chest rose and fell softly.
I continued walking down the corridor, finding the garage and shutting the door behind me after I walked inside. Earlier this year I turned the garage into a workout room, with punching bags, weights, and a treadmill.
I pulled my phone from my pocket and connected it to the speaker I left on top of the weights. I blasted my playlist and began to wrap black tape around my knuckles while the lyrics to the song played. "I admit it, another hoe got me finished,"
I sized up to my punching bag, sighing deeply. "Broke my heart, oh no you didn't," I wasn't drunk enough for this, not yet. I'm not numb enough for the pain yet, and I knew every time I got through the anger physically the pain came last.
"Fuck sippin', I'ma down a whole bottle," I walked to the cabinet connected to the wall by the door, it had a lock as I grabbed the key that sat above it. I unlocked the liquor cabinet and grabbed the fullest bottle I could find, unscrewed the cap with my thumb.
"Hard liquor, hard truth, can't swallow," I chugged the thing down, the burning didn't do much but make me feel more alive. I walked to the bag again, placing the bottle besides me and staring at my reliever.
"Need a bartender, put me out my sorrow," my fist collided with the green sand bag, it hardly moved as I didn't put enough effort in yet.
"Wake up the next day in the Monte Carlo," I got into a perfect stance, glaring at the back.
Fuck Cynthia. I punched the bag, it swung back and came towards me again to attack but I punched again and this time the metal holding it up started to vibrate.
I didn't know how long I was in there, punching and punching until my muscles strained every time I moved, until sweat streamed down my forehead and I fought to keep my eyes open, drinking away my memories.
"Ethan?" A soft voice asked as I turned around to see Olivia standing by the door, a cup in her hand and a frown etched into her features.
Dear Olivia,
Silence is a tricky word. Nothing is ever silent.