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"Nobody sees anybody truly but all through the flaws of their own egos. That is the way we all see ...each other in life. Vanity, fear, desire, competition-- all such distortions within our own egos-- condition our vision of those in relation to us."
-Tennessee Williams
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Ever since I took that stupid fucking pill I've felt the hunger.
The need.
And, as much as I tried to pretend that I was fine I couldn't ignore it.
It was like with each passing day it only grew stronger. The stronger it grew the more it hurt to ignore.
I sat on my bed holding the baggy filled with pills.
Suddenly, my bedroom door opened. I quickly tucked the baggy under the side of my mattress before looking towards the door.
Emma stood at the door after leaving a while ago to use the bathroom.
I smiled. I was glad to see her. When she was around the voices in my head didn't scream as loudly.
She smiled at me before walking over and sitting next to me.
"You seem happy," I said softly. "Of course I am, I'm with you." She said before laughing.
"That didn't sound as cheesy in my head."
The smile on my face grew as she began to blush.
"Let's go out," I suggested.
She smiled. I lived to see her smile.
"Where do you want to go?"
Anywhere; I needed a distraction. I need something to make me forget about the voices altogether.
"Well, where do you want to go?" I asked back.
Since coming back from New York, I'd sometimes feel like there was this distance between us that wasn't there before. Other times, it felt like everything was fine. Like everything was good.
It was hard to tell if it was all in my head or if what I was feeling was real.
"I don't know. It was your idea to go somewhere." She said tiredly.
It was still strange to see her without her glasses. Her eyes were closed as she smiled softly.
She opened her eyes looking at nothing. Her eyebrows pulled together.
She rolled her eyes but grinned nonetheless. I guess all those times I thought she was rolling her eyes she probably was.
"Let's go driving. We can figure out where to as we go." I suggested.
She laughed.
"What's so funny?" I asked not getting the joke.
She turned to me. "Sorry, but when you said that I couldn't help but imagine you saying something like 'it's about the journey, not the destination or some shit'." She said dropping her voice to do a really bad impression of me.
"I don't sound like that." I disagreed but smiled nonetheless. "Sorry, to burst your bubble, but you sound just like that." She argued.
I sighed before getting up.
"Are we going or not?" I questioned. "Of course we're going." She said simply.
"I'll be right back, I'll grab our jackets," I said before heading downstairs.
The weather outside was still shit, just not as shitty as before. The last few days it has been strangely warm for January, but I guess we could thank global warming for that. Sadly, we still had a long winter before us.
Her jacket was her signature bright yellow. Mine was once black but now looked more like a faded dark blue.
I snorted.
She really was the light to all my darkness.
I walked back upstairs to my room to see Emma now sitting where I was before I left. Her hair covered most of her face. She seemed to be focused on something in her hand.
As I moved towards her the floor creaked alerting her I was back. She quickly turned towards me frowning before forcing a smile on her face.
"You okay, Em?" I asked in confusion. She quickly nodded her head as she shifted and sat on her hands.
I placed her jacket on her lap.
I slipped my jacket on as I watched her. She didn't move to put on her jacket as she sat rigidly.
"You need help?" I asked as I reached to pick her jacket up and help her put it on. She quickly stood up and put her jacket on before slipping her hands in her pockets.
I didn't question it. I walked over to my desk and grabbed her folded up cane before walking back over to her.
"Your cane?" I asked as I handed it to her. She slowly put her hand out. I placed it in her hand. She quickly unfolded her cane before walking out of the room.
I quickly followed behind her.
We got into my car. There was a long silence between us as we waited for me to start the car.
"Tell me something I don't know about you?" I asked hoping to start a conversation as I started the car and backed out of the driveway.
She turned to me.
"I know I told you I used to be in a blind and visually impaired support group, but I never told that sometimes I still go." She said casually.
I glanced off the road towards her to see her face relaxed before looking back towards the road.
"Really?" I asked. I would never have imagined.
"Yeah, I go with Ian sometimes. It's weird to think that's where I met him. He was so different back then though." She added as if she was lost in a far away memory.
I pictured Ian. I couldn't imagine him being any other way.
"How was he different?"
"Well, he was still bitter about losing his eye. And, He was kinda an ass back then too."
He is still kinda an ass now, I thought to myself.
"Tell me something I don't know about you?" She asked.
"Nothing to tell, I'm an open book," I answered simply as I drove.
She snorted.
I turned to her as I stopped at a red light.
"What?" I asked as I looked at the noticeable disbelief on her face.
"That's just a load of shit." She said with a shrug.
"Language."
"Sorry, mom." She answered sarcastically before rolling her eyes.
I tried to fight my smile but couldn't as I drove.
"I really can't think of anything to tell you," I said softly.
I felt like she knew everything that was worth knowing about me.
She frowned.
"I lied when we first met," I said finally.
She turned to me. Her eyebrows pulled together in silent confusion.
"You were reading Eleanor and Park, I said I knew the book cause my sister read it. Obviously, I don't have a sis- I didn't know I had a sister at the time. I knew the story because I read it once." I confessed and corrected myself midway.
It was still weird for me to think I had sisters I never knew about.
She placed her hand on my leg. I turned to her to see her smiling at me.
"You remembered what I was reading." She grinned.
"Of course."
She laughed.
"It's nice to know our relationship was started in lies." She joked before turning toward the window.
"I didn't want you to think I was lame," I explained.
"I wouldn't have thought you were lame." She said softly.
Before she could say anything else a store coming up ahead caught my eye. I quickly pulled into the lot and parked.
"Where are we?" She asked as she noticed we were no longer moving.
"It's a surprise," I said as I unbuckled my seat belt.
"Daniel, I'm blind. Everything is a surprise."
I rolled my eyes as I got out the car. She quickly followed. I walked around to her side and lead her to the door.
As soon as we walked through the door and into the store she smiled before turning to me.
"Smells like-" she started to say.
"Welcome to the Fudgery!" A sales girl yelled as she walked towards us.
"Would you like to try a sample of our fudge of week. It's cookies and cream flavor." The girl said happily as she held out samples to us.
I took one for each of us before handing Emma her's. The sales girl skipped away as more people entered behind us.
"Mmh." Emma sighed in bliss as she closed her eyes at the taste of the creamy goodness.
I placed the fudge sample on my mouth. I almost gagged at the taste, it was far too sweet for me.
"It's so good!" Emma said happily. I smiled. As long as she was happy.
"What other flavors do they have?" She asked turning towards my direction.
I looked up at their board.
"Umm original, cookie dough, caramel-" I stopped as I noticed two people sitting in the corner of the store together sharing ice cream.
"Fuck," I whispered. Emma looked confused. "What's wrong?" She asked.
As if feeling my eyes on them they looked up towards Emma and me.
"Levi is a dead man," I whispered to Emma softly. Her confusion was still clear. "Why?" She asked as they walked towards us.
"You're about to find out," I whispered as they finally made it to us.
"Hey, Guys," Levi said smiling tightly. "Hi, Daniel. Hey, Emma. It's been a while." Grace said weakly.
I said nothing as I glanced at who he was with. Grace, Devon's younger sister.
"H-hey," Emma said sounding just as confused as before.
There was a long awkward pause between the four of us.
As I looked at them I noticed Grace's hand holding onto Levi's arm. As if noticing what she was doing she quickly let go of him and began nervously playing with one of the curls of her hair.
Grace cleared her throat before looking towards Emma.
"You're not wearing your glasses." She said.
Emma's free hand quickly reached toward her face as she finally noticed she wasn't wearing them.
Emma's face flushed pink.
There was another awkward silence as Levi and I eyed each other.
What are you doing Vi?
"I'll go wait in the car. It was nice seeing you guys." Grace said before quickly walking away. I turned to Levi.
"Does Devon know you are here, Levi?" I asked already knowing the answer. He shook his head. "I'm not doing anything worth worrying him about." He said struggling to find the right thing to say.
With that, he walked away and out of the store.
"Well, that was awkward," Emma said breaking the silence. I nodded my head in silent agreement.
"Do you think they were on a date?" Emma asked as she tilted her head in wonder. "I hope not."
"Why? I think they would be cute together." Emma said casually. I turned to her. "They are so different."
"Well, so are we and we work out great. Grace is really sweet and Levi is...Levi. I think they balance each other out." She said with a shrug as if everything was that simple.
"But, Grace is Devon's sister and Levi is Devon's friend." I challenged.
"All the greatest romances come with a little drama."
"You have read one too many books."
"Not possible." She said dismissing me with an eye roll.
I rolled my eyes but didn't push it.
Suddenly Emma's phone began to ring and buzz. She quickly answered it. She frowned as she heard the person say something to her.
"Stop calling me." She said simply before hanging up. "Who was that?'' I asked curiously. "No one." She frowned.
Her phone began to ring again. She silenced it before handing it to me. "Hold this for me?" She more told than asked me. I didn't argue as I shoved her phone into my pocket.
"Have you decided what you'd like to order?" A worker asked appearing from behind the counter. "Yes," Emma answered happily.
As Emma and the worker chatted her phone remained abuzz in my pocket.
Who was she ignoring? Why was she ignoring them? Em never seemed like the type to hold a grudge.
I glanced at Emma busy talking to the worker as the worker cut a larger chunk of fudge before moving to scope some ice cream.
I pulled out Emma's phone to see she had several text and calls from Ian. What did he want?
I looked at Emma again before looking back at her phone. I shouldn't look, I thought just as her phone buzzed to the sound of another message from Ian. If she has a password it will be a sign I shouldn't look, everyone has a password; I tried to convince myself.
I clicked the home button on her phone. Her phone quickly unlocked to show the messages Ian had sent her.
'Please Answer!" The first message read.
'Emma' Said the second.
'You can't just ignore me. You can't just pretend it didn't happen.' Read the last.
None of it made any sense. Just as I was about to hit the lock button another message appeared.
'If you won't answer my calls than fine. But, I'm not sorry that I kissed you. You know how I feel about you. Please just call me.'
What the fuck? What the actual fuck?
As I scrolled I accidentally clicked the message that said "Emma." Not even a second later a female voice loudly said 'Emma" through the phone.
Emma turned to me. I quickly shoved her phone in my pocket.
"Did you call me?" She asked in confusion. "No, No I didn't," I said trying to keep my voice neutral.
Inside I was a mess.
"I could have sworn I heard someone say my name." She said still facing me. Before now I had never been so thankful that Emma couldn't actually see me as I am sure I looked several shades of red. "It kinda sounded like a woman." She added.
Funny to me it sounded a lot like betrayal, I thought to myself.
He kissed her. She kissed him.
I couldn't even be mad because all I felt was hurt.
Why didn't she tell me? When did it happen? Was it in New York? Was it after we came back? Is that why I felt a distance between us? Was I finally losing her?
I wanted to ask her a thousand questions. I wanted to scream and yell. I want to smash something, preferably Ian's face against my fist. Instead, I felt like I was gonna cry as a lump built its self in my throat and my eyes began to water.
Was I really finally losing her?
"Wanna taste?" Emma asked me as she held her ice cream cone out to me.
"I don't really like sweets," I confessed. My voice breaking midway.
She laughed. I frowned.
"You don't like sweets, yet you took us to an ice cream and fudge store." She said playfully noting the irony.
I shrugged as I thought of the text message. Maybe the text wasn't the full story, I tried to convince myself.
"You love chocolate," I started explaining my reasoning for stopping us at the store.
"That I do." She laughed.
She looked so happy. But, was she really? Did I make her happy? Or would she be better off with a guy like Ian?
Probably, I thought answering my own question.
I'll wait for her to tell me that herself.
"It's getting late. I'll take you home." I said too busy in my thoughts to notice that at 2 pm my statement didn't make any sense.
"It's barely afternoon." She argued.
"I'm not feeling well." I lied as I looked away from her.
"Are you okay? What's wrong?" She questioned me. I could hear the frown in her voice.
"I just need to get home." I need the pills.
With that, we left the store. I quickly drove to Emma's house breaking more than a few driving laws along the way.
As I parked in her driveway we slammed forward from the sudden stop.
Emma turned me as she held her cane and bag of fudge in one hand and her spilling ice cream in her other.
"Are you coming in?"
"No," I answered quickly. For once I was practically itching to get away from her.
Away from the doubt being with her brought.
She got out the car before walking towards the door before stopping and walking back to the car stopping outside the driver's door and knocking on the window. I rolled it down.
Was she gonna tell me about what happened between her and Ian?
"Yeah?" I asked nervously.
"You still have my phone." She said with a laugh. I frowned as I took her phone out my pocket and handed it to her. Her hands looked full as she struggled to carry it with everything else she had.
"Let me help you," I said before getting out the car and taking the fudge bag and her phone to carry. She smiled as she walked towards the house door as I followed behind her.
Once inside I set her things down. I quickly turned around to leave. Before I could make my escape Emma began talking.
"Thanks for today, it was fun." She said. "No problem."
"Love you." She said before leaning forward and kissing my chin.
I didn't know what to believe. Before we met she used to tell Ian the same thing, I thought painfully.
"I love you, so much," I whispered back as I looked at her. Her eyes seemed to light up. "Stay?" She asked as she wrapped me in a hug. I sighed.
My fingers tangled in her hair as I felt her heartbeat against mine.
I could stay. I should stay. I could tell Emma the truth. About stilling having the pills, about wanting to take them, about what I saw on her phone, about how much what I saw hurt.
Her phone rang breaking me out of my train of thought.
"I can't." I won't. I said before pulling away from her and walking out the house.
I didn't turn back.
I got in my car and drove home.
As soon as I was home I run upstairs to my room.
Don't do it. The pills won't help. I thought to myself.
They'll help me forget. I thought back before lifting the mattress.
The pills weren't there. I quickly looked to the ground under my bed. The pills weren't fucking there. I checked under the mattress again. They were gone.
"Hope you don't mind, but I cleaned up your room a bit while you were out." A voice from behind me said breaking my frantic search.
I turned quickly to see my mom carrying my now empty laundry basket.
[published May 22nd, 2018]
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If you liked it, I would love it if you could vote or comment what you think!
A/N: I'm back! First I want to apologize for being gone so long suddenly. It is my senior year and with multiple AP classes, I was very busy. For a while, I considered no longer writing at all. But, all the amazing comments I got in the last chapter motivated me to keep writing. Thank you for all the support! 💜
New chapters coming very soon!