Daisy was slowly replacing me. I could see it happening right before my eyes. One day she'll just come waltzing in with Ashley and proudly announce that she's her best friend. All that I've done for her, all the times I stuck by her, when she was herself, Holly and Alora would be insignificant. I wouldn't matter anymore.
Even my own thoughts repulsed me. Why was I acting like the jealous type all of a sudden? What happened to the 'no feelings' Ava?
"Ava didn't care about friendship that much,"she'd said. She didn't realize she hand't hung up the phone yet. She was thinking aloud, and I'd been the unfortunate soul to hear her. I couldn't push back the feeling of utter betrayal from my mind. Did she really think I didn't care? Did she really think I wouldn't notice if she was slowly starting to replace me? Oh, now I was beginning to sound like Ashley when Daisy and I had first started hanging out. Now I finally knew how it felt to be in her shoes.
But still. I'd been there for Daisy countless times before. It hurt me that she didn't even consider that when she said those words. If only she knew how much I had to put up with, being her friend.
I buried my head in my pillow, trying to keep myself from tearing up. I needed to be strong. For Holly. She needed me as her support system. I wasn't going to let her down because of this jealousy.
Suddenly, my phone started to ring from my bedside table. I went to check who it was, curiosity getting the better of me. I didn't want to talk to anyone at the moment, but I still wanted to see who cared enough to call me up at nine PM. Seeing it was an unknown number, I almost declined the call so that I could resume my pity party, but then I realized I could never have a good night's sleep not knowing who the mysterious caller was.
"Hello?" The person on the other side of the line didn't answer immediately, and for a second I thought that maybe I didn't pick up on time. But then, I heard someone breathing softly, as if contemplating what to say. Finally, "Ava?" said the voice.
I was overcome with a flood of memories. I could feel the held in tears slowly welling up in my eyes. I tried to calm myself down, but to no avail. This was impossible. She was calling me. After six months, she finally had the courage to speak to me. After abandoning me in this desolate town, she still thought we could mend our broken friendship.
"Shay." I said her name with not even a touch of emotion. I didn't want to dive headfirst into an argument, but I didn't know how to keep the bitterness out of my voice. After all she did, how could she expect otherwise?
"I need to talk to you." She said the words in a hurried whisper, as if saying them faster would make me less angry. I didn't know why she wanted to talk to me now, after all these months of silence. "What is it?" I asked, dropping my voice down a notch to match her level. I sounded concerned, like I really cared for her. I could tell she noticed it too because she had a sudden surge of courage to venture forth in what she wanted to say.
"I miss you, Ava." The words were like a bullet to my heart. All this time I thought I was the only one. I thought that every time I sat down and just wondered what my former best friend was up to, it'd be desperately one-sided. And here she was, proving all my suspicions wrong. "Why are you doing this, Shay?" I asked, completely at a loss for words. I wanted to know, so desperately, what was going on in her mind then.
"I want to fix things-"she started and I swiftly interjected. "For what? Moving into your uncle's house? That wasn't your fault, now, was it?" I asked exasperatedly. She sighed. "I needed to get away from there,"she said softly. I got where she was coming from, but I thought she was better than to think only of herself when she made that decision. Didn't she know how much that would hurt me?
"I had a chance to leave, Ava. I'm sorry you didn't. Now what can I do to change what's already happened?" she regretted her words immediately after she'd said them. I could tell with the way she swore under her breath. I couldn't breathe. The tears were falling freely, and I started to cry so hard I sounded like I was being strangled to death. I couldn't hold it back anymore. My walls had crumbled and my self esteem had shriveled. I was finally succumbing to the pain.
I sank down to my knees and clutched the phone so tightly in my hand that my knuckles had turned white. I wanted to end the call then and there, but I wanted to hear her voice. I wanted the familiarity that I'd missed all these months.
"I'm sorry,"I whispered. "I'm sorry I didn't talk to you. I'm sorry that I left you all alone, blaming yourself for something I did. What I did was unnecessary. I was just upset and didn't know how else to project it."
I was giving Shay the apology that Skott never gave me.
Shay stayed on the line, waiting for me to finish, but I didn't know what else to say, and the tears came back all over again. Before I knew it, I could hear her sobbing on the other side of the line. "I'm the one who should be sorry, Ava. I just couldn't stand being in that place with the ghosts of Skott's memory overshadowing all the happy memories we made together. I couldn't stop blaming myself, you know? I keep feeling like I could've been the one to stop her, if only I'd paid closer attention."
I sniffed, trying to get my voice to sound normal again, but it came out choked and clammy. "We've all been blaming ourselves, Shay. I just wished I had you by my side while it all happened. I went through one of the darkest periods of my life, these past six months, and so have you. But friendship is when people stand by each other in their darkest times, not desert them."
I could imagine her sitting on her bed, twirling her hair nervously as she thought of what to say to that. "I know, Ava. And I'm sorry. But when people are sad, they react in different ways. You wanted comfort, someone by your side to tell you it was all going to get better. You're strong that way. You can hide your feelings forever, but when you were with me, you were always okay to show you were hurt. You knew that if you vented out, you wouldn't break. But me? I wanted to be alone. I never wanted to think about anything ever again. I just wanted to close that chapter of my life and pretend it never happened. I thought that if I thought about it too much I'd break into pieces that could never be put back."
I almost laughed. "You think I'm strong? Oh, Shay, you are so wrong. I haven't gone one day in the past six months without crying myself to sleep. I lie to myself every day telling myself that I don't cry, that I'm strong and that I can deal with everything. But I can't. I needed someone like you to remind me of who I was before anything happened. I needed you, Shay. Why didn't you need me?"
She was crying all over again. "I do need you, Ava. Every single day I missed you. I lost one of my best friends, and so easily I lost the other. I wanted to come back, to get back what we lost. But I was always afraid that it was too late. I was stupid. I thought by getting away from all this I could start afresh, create a new life for myself where neither you nor Skott existed. I could finally be happy. But I was wrong, Ava. I couldn't have been more wrong. Please tell me it isn't too late."
I didn't even have to think. My heart made its decision before my mind could interject. I knew that somewhere along the way, I was going to get hurt again. But the number of times Shay made me feel loved compensated for it. I knew that we would never be the same people again. Skott's death morphed us into different people. It weakened us immensely, but made us stronger too. We knew how it felt to lose something. I didn't want to lose Shay again too.
I just hoped that this time she could catch me if I fell, without falling in herself.
"It's never too late for you, Shay."
. . . . . . . . .
A/N For anyone who hasn't read ATBPA, this chapter may be confusing. But all you've got to know is that Skott, Shay and Ava were best friends. Skott killed herself, Shay moved to her uncle's place to help her forget about everything and Ava's mad at Shay for leaving without a word and not even calling her for so long.
This chapter was a bit on the emotional side, but I hope you liked it anyway. Don't worry, I'll update something happier tomorrow.
Thank you sosososo much for reading my book (if anyone's even reading)!
~Via