ayla's pov
My heart beat grew faster and faster as I stared into my own dark blue-green eyes through the mirror. The ones I'd gotten from my mother. The person who killed my best friend. I watched my eyes turn a soft grey, but I didn't cry. I wouldn't let myself. "Ayla?" I heard Maya come in. I turned my head, walking back to the bed.
"Hey." She smiled, her eyes looked tired. I noticed cuts on her wrist. Her ombré hair in a messy ponytail, she covered her marks. "It was in the waiting room. I won't do it again." I nodded. Not feeling anything. "Ayla. I know you're not okay. And that's fine. But you gotta talk to me about it." Maya's cold hand reached for mine as I cooley moved it away. "I don't have to say or do anything, Maya." I snapped, not meaning to.
Who was this person I was becoming? It wasn't me, that's for sure.
"So, what do you wanna do when you get out?" She asked me, with some pep in her voice. Not letting a word sip from my tongue, I stared blankly at the television playing an episode of 'Friends' above me. She anxiously twiddled her thumbs. "Oh my gosh, this episode was awful. Ross and Rachel argue about that whole 'break' thing. Remember?" She was so enthusiastic about such small things. I missed being that way. I kept my stare at the TV. "Yeah. We were up arguing about it too, until like 3:00 am," she sighed, "I loved that night." Clicking her tongue, she quietly stepped out of the room.
I did remember that night. Maya and I were about 16. She stayed over for a weekend and all we did was watch Netflix. Carter was about 2 at the time. He wouldn't leave us alone. So we let him stay up with us. He'd scream and yell when we did and pretended to know what we were being angry about and giggled at our reactions. All up until he fell asleep in my arms. I carried him upstairs. Put him to bed.
That was a good night.
Maya and Jack both walked in, "Ayla, say hey to all your fans," Daniel whispered, putting his camera lens up on me. I gave them a quick smile, then ignored it. Daniel's smiled slowly disappeared. He posted it anyways. I couldn't see the brightness in his eyes anymore. "Zach said we should all go to the mall when we're all feeling.. better. It'll be a good way to just have a good time. Like the old days. You guys can sing. And meet fans.." She wanted to go on, but I interrupted her.
"Maya, not everything is fun and games anymore. Nothing will ever be the same. 2 people are dead. More die every day. How could we go out and have fun, when others are still trying to cope with what's going on in their lives? It's not all sunshine and rainbows for everyone you know. It can't just be that way." My voice cracked as I spoke those final words. Daniel's mouth stood ajar from his patient bed. He didn't make eye contact with me.
But Maya.. Her eyes were like burning flames as she stared at me, I wanted to apologize. But I didn't. Even though, I didn't mean most of what I said. I didn't know what to say now. Instead, I briefly scanned the needle in the crease of my elbow, leading to my monitor. The water dripping as seconds ticked by. Without thinking, I ripped it out, causing my arm to begin bleeding. I let out a painful yelp. Daniel shot straight up from his bed, "What the fuck, Ayla?!" He started calling nurses by clicking numbers on the way as Maya screamed. "Ayla! What are you doing?!" Corbyn quickly ran out and went to get a doctor, I realized I had pulled it out too forcefully. Then the machine started beeping faster, and faster. Everything soon went dark.
a week later..
"We are gathered here today, to celebrate the life of Carter Ray Santos...."
Slow motion. Everything was in slow motion. The crying faces passing by, the boys and Christina and Maya, standing behind us, along with their parents and siblings. My face was straight the whole time. We didn't want to talk at his funeral. He wouldn't want us to talk about him. We'll save that for next year. Hours passed. It seemed like centuries, I just wanted to get out of that place and go home and never come out. People talked about my hospital incident.
They think I tried killing myself. But I didn't. Daniel and Maya know it. Everyone else, I'm not so sure. They act as if I'm a different person. The boys don't speak to me anymore. Neither do Christina and Maya. My fans say they miss the old me, saying the girl in Daniel's video was not me. They think i'm depressed too. Everyone does. But I don't care what everyone thinks.
I care about what I think. And I'm not going to lie. I think I am depressed.
-
The service was over. There was a coffin in front of me. My dead brother, peacefully lying inside of it. I looked at his face. His handsome little face. It was pale, and drained, but I leaned down and kissed it anyways. I felt a tear begging to run down my cheek. Turning, I rushed to the bathroom. My heart raced as I rushed to the sink. These days passed by like a brittle morning. I felt my hot tears and mascara beg run down my cold cheeks. But I didn't. I couldn't.
I grabbed a pen and a sheet of paper and wrote down: I wish somebody would help me. The walls are caving in. Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can't.
Then I slipped it in my bag, a single tear escaped my eyelid. I quickly wiped it away as the door clicked open and Daniel entered. He gave me a mere smile, "Hey, Ayla. How do you feel?" He asked me as I made my way to his side. I lay, staring into space, softly replying, "I feel fine." He gave me a strange look. As if he didn't know who I was, I don't blame him. I don't know who I am either. I felt different. Not a good different. Like I had lost who I was. I got up to start driving to the graveyard. It was night. The ceremony was over. I could finally leave. I didn't want to watch them bury my brother. But I didn't speak a word as we got in the car. As soon as we got in, Daniel didn't hesitate to start speaking, "Ayla, you know that it's okay to be upset about this. I'm upset too. But, things happen for a reason. As much as it hurts, we have to move on at one point, you know? Maybe not now. But when you're ready." He smiled, sliding his hand onto mine, keeping one hand on the wheel and his eyes on the road. I tried to smile back. Not at all physically feeling the smile form, but I knew it was there. I lightly pulled my hand away, Daniel's smile disappearing.
"Daniel, I don't-" No, I can't say anything. He'll think I'm crazy. Maybe I am. But no way I'll let him know. The way he looked so concerned with what I had to say made my heart skip a beat. I loved this boy. I loved him so much. I didn't want to lose him. But it's for his own good.
"I don't want to be with you anymore."
It slipped. No. I didn't mean it. I loved and wanted Daniel more than anything, especially at a time like this, but I was only hurting him. You don't hurt the people you love. Breaking up seemed like the only option. But it wasn't me talking anymore. It was my depression. And I knew it. But still, Daniel was not happy about it. "Are you kidding me," He snapped bitterly, keeping his hands in place. "Ayla, I know your brother is dead. I'm sorry. But you know it, I know it, the whole god damned town knows it!" My tears were burning my eyes. I wouldn't let them escape. My nose filling so much I couldn't breathe. He calmly pulled over, the quiet chirp of the night rushing over us.
He turned to face me as I held myself together, not letting a single tear fall.
"I know what you're doing. And it's not gonna work," He spoke softly, grabbing both my hands. I looked into his eyes, looking for an answer, "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Ayla. This whole 'I don't care about anything' act? Ayla, I know you. I know you love me. And I love you. That will never change. Carter is dead and it is tearing you apart inside. You know it," I could feel a tear run down my cheek as I continued to hold it all in. His words stabbing me like a knife, because I knew they were true. Followed by another. "Everyone can see it. You're trying to act like a bitch so that no one tries to get close to you. In your mind, if you're not close to anybody, you don't get hurt. You're so broken. I know you don't want to feel this way," He slowly placed his warm hands around my cheeks, "Carter would want you to be happy. He'd want you to move on. No matter how much you loved him, he would want this for you," as he spoke, I suddenly felt something. It hit me like a truck. I didn't care anymore, I can't do this. I grabbed the car door, opening it.
The past week, I've felt like shit. As soon as Daniel, Zach and I got out, all everyone wanted to do was go out and have fun, but I didn't. For some reason this all felt like a bad dream. I wanted to wake up so badly. I rarely ate, I locked myself in my room. Daniel frequently calls and texts me to see if I'm okay and I love him for that. I'll always love him. I just don't need to be hurting anyone else anymore. Being with him, it'll hurt him more than not being with him.
"Ayla. What are you doing?" Daniel asked me, reaching towards me. I held my breath, slowly lying, "I don't love you. I'm leaving. I'll find my own way to Carter's funeral. I don't even want to go anyways," I lied. "Bullshit," he called, reaching for my hand, "That's bullshit and you know it, Ayla," I watched his blue eyes break.
I yanked away carelessly. As I quickly went to shut the door, Daniel didn't stop me. He just placed his forehead on the wheel, sobbing furiously. Listening made my heart break into a million more pieces. But seeing him stomp out to follow me made it worse. "Ayla Gray Santos," He almost yelled, but didn't. He put my face into his hands, pulling me in to kiss me. It felt like I hadn't had his lips pressed against mine in ages. And it was amazing. I reminisced on the taste and feeling of his warm lips and I felt like nothing in the world was wrong. Sadly, if I stayed with Daniel, I'd only tear him apart. So I couldn't..
"I love you." I spoke, pushing him away. His eyes lit up at those words, "Ayla, I love you too." He went in for another kiss. But I stopped him.
"I can't be with you."
Daniel's eyes seemed so sad and empty, I continued to speak but he interrupted me. "But you have to. Ayla, I love you. I don't care how much you drive me crazy or insane with your crazy quirks and weird habits. I love everything about you. I always will. I love the way your smile forms. How you always smell like flowers. The way you wrap your arms around me when you feel sad or cold. I love that I can tell you anything. How I trust you so much. I love you."
My lip quivered, heart sinking into my chest. I hated to do this, but I had to. "Can't you see that I'm bad for you?" I almost screamed. "I can't hurt you anymore, Daniel." I spoke through gritted teeth and quivering lips. Then I turned and didn't look back, I only heard his voice plead, "Then don't leave me.." holding in my tears until I knew he was out of sight. I walked into a meadow of darkness. My watch read 10:13. I stopped in front of a weeping willow tree that reminded me of myself.
Then I let it all out.
Punching at the ground with my bare fists, I couldn't keep it in anymore. All the emotion I've been keeping in, wanting to spill out. "I'm sorry!" I wailed, throwing myself onto the ground. "I'm so so sorry. I don't want it to be this way. I feel like I am trapped. I'm so scared. I've never felt this way before. I-Im sorry. I just- I miss you so much, Carter.." I cried, sounding like a whale as I did. "Carter.. Please save me. Help me to survive in this world without you." But nobody understood me. But there was no one here judging me. Just holding myself there. Not saying a word. I was alone in this world. With no one to hold. And as I cried out, I didn't let a single tear exit my eyes. I pushed everything and everyone away.
A week passed, Daniel never came back for me. I didn't go home. I didn't go anywhere. Okay, maybe I went to my house once. Leaving a letter behind saying:
Dear Dad,
I'm sorry. But I have to leave. I'll take my money that I've earned and I'm gonna move to a new town. Don't go looking for me. I'll be fine. Carter would want me to be happy. After all, all I ever did was cause trouble.
Love, Ayla.
I grabbed a magnet and stuck it on the fridge, taking a bag filled with clothes and money. I took my car and started driving. To wherever I wanted to go. I didn't need anyone. Not Daniel. Not Dad. Or Christina. Or Maya. Or any of the boys. I'm my own person. I can make it on my own. For now, at least.
-
sorry this chapter is kinda bad. but i'm very happy to announce i'll be making a second book.
this is the end of ayla's point of view and the next 4 chapters will be short stories of the other characters pov. i'll be sure to end the book fully with an epilogue that will really explain everything better. i'll even add a q&a if you really want.
anyways, love you guys. keep voting and commenting and let me know what you think :)
5/9/18