♬ Forty-nine
Return
Everything feels like in chaos. I can see blurred images, a worried face of Lance, something that is burning. Ang mga pulis at ang ambulansya.
I even heard someone is crying. I am aware of everything but I can't seem to understand why they are acting like that. I can't seem to do anything too like I'm stuck of being paralyzed and all I can only do is just listen to them.
Ilang beses kong gustong tuluyang makatulog but there will always be someone who is going to tap my cheeks to wake me up.
I saw the white ceiling and those people who were wearing white dresses. Pakiramdam ko'y mas nahilo ako sa bilis ng mga bagay na nagfla-flash sa aking mata.
"A-anak... " I heard Mom's crying voice. Pinilit kong imulat ang aking mata at nakita siyang hinahabol ang higaan na aking kinahihigaan habang umiiyak. Why is she crying like that?
"A-anak. Please hold on. Please be strong... " I heard her say. Nasa kanyang tabi si Daddy at Lance na mukhang nagaalala rin sa akin.
I cannot understand everything. Someone put an oxygen mask on me. I wanted to follow everything that they are saying. To stay awake, to stay strong but I felt my eyes slowly closing, drifting into complete darkness.
***
I woke up hearing the continous sounds from the cardiac machine. The smell of the alcohol filled my nose. The blurred images of the people who are standing beside the bed I am laying and the white ceiling and walls are the things that made me feel dizzy the first time I woke up from a deep sleep.
"She's awake!" I heard a familiar shriek from someone.
I breathed deeply because I can feel that I am losing my air even with the oxygen and mask that I have in my mouth.
Nakita kong may muling tumayo sa aking gilid na pigura ng isang lalaki. Bumukas ang pinto ng kwarto kasabay ng malakas na sigaw ng kung sino man.
"Anong nangyari sa anak ko?" I heard Mom's voice somewhere.
"Elizabeth, you need to calm down!"
"How can I calm down if I can see how she's having a hard time to breathe, Brismon!" Mom sobbed.
I felt my chest became heavy. Muli kong narinig ang malakas na tunog mula sa makinang alam kong nakakabit sa aking katawan. I saw some people who were wearing white tops, pushing those people who gathered around my bed.
I saw a doctor moving on my right side, checking my eyes with his little flashlights. Mas lalo akong nahirapan sa paghinga dahil duon.
"Can you hear me, Ferm?" mahinahong sabi ng babaeng doktor na nasa aking harapan. The one who is checking my IV fluids.
I tried moving my head pero pakiramdam ko'y mas nahirapan akong huminga dahil sa aking ginawa. The male doctor checks on my forehead then he looked at the people inside the room.
"She has a fever"
"If you can hear me please close your eyes. Can you hear me?" the female doctor asked.
I closed my eyes telling her that I can clearly understood what she is saying. Narinig ko ang buntong-hininga ng nasa paligid kasabay ng pagngiti nito sa akin. When I opened my eyes again, I saw Lance's figure looking at me worriedly on the side. Nasa kanyang tabi si Chriselle na yakap-yakap niya.
I looked around the room, sa kabilang banda ay naruon si Mommy habang umiiyak at yakap-yakap ni Daddy. Why is she crying like I already died? Why are they all here? Why am I here in this bed?
"The medication is doing good on her. This is the first time she woke up after her two months of staying here. Now she needs to rest again para mabalik ang lakas niya. She needs to gain energy to recover from the accident so we can already proceed with the surgery. Now I suggest that you all go home and come back tomorrow to visit her" I heard the male doctor said before he looked at me and checked me for the last time.
Gusto kong sabihan iyong doctor na gusto kong makausap sila Mommy at Daddy. I wanted to tell them and ask them what happened but when I heard the door shuts down, it's like I am left with an only option and that's to sleep and rest again.
That is at least my very first memory for the first time I woke up from the car accident.
"In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must tell me how ar— "
Napamulat ako ng marinig na tumigil sa pagbabasa ng libro si Lance sa aking tabi. I heard the door of the room opening kaya agad na napadako duon ang aking tingin.
The curtain danced as the wind through the window blew. It was a peaceful afternoon for me where all I can do is to listen to Lance's low voice while reading my favorite novel and feeling the cold wind of the summer.
"She needs to have the surgery as soon as possible before any complication will happen" I heard Doc Alvarez said to Mom.
"Pero Doc, she needs to go to the States for the operation"
Bumuntong-hininga si Doc dahil duon. Tumingin silang dalawa sa akin at medyo nagulat siguro na nakitang gising ako't nakikinig sa kanilang dalawa.
Mom immediately went to my bed and looked at me with those soft stares, "How are you feeling, anak?"
I opened my mouth but struggled to talk because of the oxygen mask. She must have saw my problem kaya agad niyang tinanggal ang mask sa aking mukha.
"F-fine... " paos kong sabi.
She gave me a faint smile before kissing my forehead, "I-I'm happy you're feeling good now"
"M-Mom... "
She looked at me as if she's asking what I wanted to say. Halos habol ko ang aking hininga habang pinipilit na makapagsalita.
"C-Clef... " I murmured, feeling all the pain in my stomach, "I-I want to see C-Clef... "
I saw tears glistened on her eyes. Hindi ko alam pero agad na sumakit ang aking dibdib dahil sa kanyang reaksyon. Pakiramdam ko'y mas sumakit ang aking tiyan dahil duon.
I saw her biting her lips before smiling, "We are trying to call him, anak. He's still in Los Angeles. We will immediately tell you kapag nakausap namin siya" aniya bago ilagay muli ang oxygen mask sa aking bibig.
I felt a tear escaped my eyes when I closed it. It's been five days since I had my concious back. Anila Mommy ay dalawang buwan akong hindi gumigising pagkatapos ng aksidente.
I had a severe injury because of the accident. Brain hemorrhage na agad naagapan but that is not what makes things worst. Except from having a hemorrhage, I also got a diaphragmic rupture.
An injury where my diaphraghm got a tear, making it hard for me to breathe and giving me some stomach pain. It was hard to diagnosed dahil normal naman and result ng mga xrays ko but they soon found it out before I even woke up. Kinakailangan ko pang magpaopera para lang gumaling ito at hindi magkaroon ng komplikasyon but the surgery is only available in America and I need to fly there as soon as possible.
But before going there I wanted to see Clef, that's my only wish since the day I woke up but five days had already passed and I haven't seen even his shadow here. I wanted to talk to him, ask him how is he now. If he really leave the Creole. Kung kamusta ang kumpanya at kung anong ng magiging plano naming dalawa.
Pero simula ng gumising ako't hinanap siya, walang ibang maisagot sila Mommy kundi hindi nila ito macontact. At first, hindi ako naniniwala duon. I don't want to to believed that Clef did not even pay a visit to me even once.
"The accident was a big news, Ferm. Nasa lahat ng tabloids at TV News. Your Mom halted all her activities overseas just to attend you here"
I remembered Chriselle telling to me on the third day I woke up in this hospital that's why I''m quite sure that maybe the world knows that the daughter of Elizabeth Rivera got into an accident and is severely injured.
I wanted to see Clef so badly, pero habang tumatagal ang araw ko sa ospital at hindi ko man lang nakikita ang anino niya pakiramdam ko'y mas sumasama ang pakiramdam ko. It makes me feel alone, even if Mom and Dad is here. Even if my friends are taking good care of me.
"Anong libro naman ang gusto mong basahin ko sa 'yo ngayon?" I heard Lance asked me from my back.
Nakatulala lang ako sa terrace ng aking kwarto sa ospital. Mom picked a room here at hospital that looks more like of a hotel. Magara ang interior ng kwarto. May mga sofa at malaking TV, there's even a small kitchen and a very large bathroom but what I like most about it is it has a terrace where I can see the Manila skyscraper.
Narinig ko ang mga yabag niya sa aking likuran. I felt him beside me until he moved the wheelchair where I am sitting so he could see me properly.
"What are you thinking now?" he asked as he kneeled in front of me.
I blinked my eyes many times before I open my mouth to say something, "Aren't you tired reading books for me?"
I saw his eyes softened with my question. Narinig ko ang pagtikhim niya at ang paghila niya sa aking kamay bago banayad na pinisil iyon.
"I'm not, Ferm. Bakit mo naiisip 'yan?"
Imbis na sagutin siya ay nanatili akong nakatingin lang sa kanya. I wanted to tell him that people get tired easily. Na baka napapagod na siya kakaalaga sa akin at baka napipilitan na lang siya.
People tend to be like that. Baka nga si Clef ay napagod na rin sa akin kaya hindi niya ako dinadalaw. But knowing Clef, alam kong may dahilan siya. There is definitely a reason!
He sighed, "Nabobore ka na ba sa pakikinig sa mga kwento ko?"
Kagat-labi akong tumango sa kanya. Hindi natakot na baka maoffend ko siya o baka magisip siya ng kung ano sa aking sagot. It's been two weeks since he started reading stories for me everyday. Hindi naman talaga ako nagsasawa o nabobore, I'm just worried na siya na ang nabobore at nagsasawa sa araw-araw na pagbabasa ng kwento sa 'kin.
Marahan siyang ngumiti bago hinalikan ang likod ng aking palad, "Okay then. Ipapasyal kita sa hospital para makakita ka naman ng ibang tao maliban sa amin" he chuckled.
Isang tipid na ngiti ang binigay ko sa kanya pagkasabi niya nuon. Isang linggo pagkatapos kong magising ay pinayagan na ako ng doctor na umupo sa wheelchair at maglakad ng kaunti, basta dahan-dahan lang dahil hindi daw pwedeng mapwersa ang aking katawan.
He did some few calls bago kami tuluyang lumabas ng aking kwarto. I think he called Mom to inform her na lilibot muna kami sa labas ng aking kwarto. Simula din ng naconfine ako sa ospital ay tumigil muna sa pagtratrabaho si Mommy.
Nuong una ay hindi ako makapaniwala. I never thought he would sacrifice her career just for me pero napatunayan ko iyon nuong araw-araw ko siyang nakikita sa aking kwarto. We never talked about the last conversation that we had. Maybe because of my condition o baka talagang ayaw niya lang i-open up iyon sa akin.
Iginala ko ang aking paningin sa pasilyo ng ospital habang tulak-tulak ni Lance ang aking wheelchair. The nurses never failed to greet us sa 'twing makakasalubong namin sila. This is just like the usual hospital ang kaibahan lang ay batid mong mas high end ang mga facilities rito at tanging mayayaman lang ang nakakapagpaadmit.
"May garden akong nakita sa baba sa tabi ng chapel. Pwedeng duon muna tayo magpalipas ng oras" ani Lance sa aking likuran bago kami pumasok sa elevator.
Tanging ang nurse na may dalang oxygen tank lang ang nakasabay namin sa elevator. My eyes stared at my reflection on the elevator's door.
There's a big bandage on my head. Maraming sugat sa aking mukha at mga braso like I was beaten badly. Sobrang putla rin ng aking labi at walang kakulay-kulay ang aking mukha. Malaki rin ang aking pinayat, I even lose the baby fats I have in my cheeks.
I don't look like Fermatta Rivera.
Naramdaman ko ang kamay ni Lance sa aking balikat kaya napatingin ako sa kanya gamit ang repleksyon mula sa elevator. He smiled at me helplessly pero wala akong nagawa kundi ang mapakagat lang sa aking labi para pigilan ang aking pagiyak.
Good thing that the elevator door immediately opened. Para maitago ang aking ekspresyon sa kanya. I do not want to worry him more kaya hangga't kaya ko ay gusto kong itago ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko.
Tulad ng sinabi ni Lance ay nasa tabi lang ng chapel ang garden na tinutukoy niya. As soon as we arrived there ay agad niyang itinigil ang wheelchair sa ilalim ng malaking puno kung nasaan ang ilang benches.
Malakas ang ihip ng hangin at naririnig ko ang huni ng ibon. May iilang batang nagtatakbuhan hindi kalayuan sa akin. There are other patients too pero masyado silang malayo sa akin.
Tumingala ako ng makita ang ilang paru-paro na lumilipad sa aking ulunan. I smiled when one of the butterfly perched on my fingers.
"You're beautiful"
Napatingin ako kay Lance ng marinig ko siyang magsalita. He was sitting just in front of me while the ofher butterflies are flying around him.
Unti-unting nawala ang aking ngiti ng marealized ang kanyang sinabi.
"D-Do not j-joke" iwas tingin kong sabi sa kanya.
"I'm not kidding, Ferm. Kahit ata mabawasan ng sobra ang timbang mo, kahit mawalan ng kulay ang mukha you are still beautiful in my eyes" aniya na nakapagpabalik ng tingin ko sa kanya, "So do not think less of yourself" he said, seriously to me.
"Lance... "
Ngumiti siya at sumandal sa lamesa sa kanyang likuran bago tumingin sa langit bago ko narinig ang pagmumura, "I know! I know! Alam kong hindi mo ako gusto" natatawa niyang sabi bago muling tumitig sa akin, "I know that you love, Clef. And you are still waiting for him up until now, that he is the only who can force you to have the surgery pero Ferm... "
He sighed bago umayos muli sa pagkakaupo, "You cannot delay this for too long. You know your condition. Baka kapag tumagal magkaroon ka ng komplikasyon. I don— "
"He will visit me" pagpapatigil ko sa mga sinabi niya.
I bit my lips tightly while gripping on the handle of the wheelchair, "I know he will visit me here. He will talk to me. He won't forget that I'm here. 'Di ba sinabi naman nila Mommy na nandito ako sa hospital? A-Alam ko... bibisita siya. Baka naging busy lang iyon sa Los Angeles. B-Baka... " hindi ko natuloy ang sasabihin ko dahil unti-unti ng tumulo ang luha sa aking mata.
Agad na rumehistro ang pagaalala sa mukha ni Lance dahil duon. He moved the wheelchair para mas mapalapit ako sa kanya.
I felt like someone's pinching my heart. Lance wiped all my tears but I can't help but to cry more and feel so helpless.
"Sabi niya babalikan niya ako rito sa Pilipinas. I promised that I will wait for him, Lance... babalik siya" I said like I'm convincing myself.
"Pero paano kung hindi?"
Kahit malabo ang aking mata dahil sa pagiyak ay kitang-kita ko ang awa sa mukha ni Lance habang nakatitig sa akin. Pakiramdam ko'y nabaril ako dahil sa kanyang tanong.
Paano nga ba Ferm kung hindi siya bumalik? Paano kung tuluyan ka na niyang nakalimutan.
"It's been two months, Ferm. God! Halos tatlong buwan na nga!" bulalas niya na parang nagkokontrol siya ng kanyang emosyon, "Hindi ko kayang nakikita kang nahihirapan habang iniintay siya rito. Please pumayag ka ng magpaopera. Sasamahan kita sa States hanggang sa gumaling ka. If you want we can go to New York after the surgery to make your dream as a writer come true" he bargain pero tanging iling lang ang nagawa ko.
"I can't L-Lance... " ani ko habang tuloy-tuloy ang luha ko. Hindi ko kaya dahil natatakot ako. Natatakot akong baka sa pagbabalik ko mula sa operasyon hindi ko na magawa pang makita siya o makausap.
I am scared that the operation will fail at baka wala na akong pagkakataon pa para gawin ang mga bagay na kailangan kong gawin. I'm afraid that he will fall out of love of me. I'm afraid that he will totally forget me kapag hindi ko siya inintay rito sa Pilipinas. Natatakot akong baka hindi na ako ang mahal niya kapag matagal akong nawala.
God knows how afraid I am.
He opened his mouth to say something pero hindi niya na iyon itinuloy at imbis ay niyakap na lang ako ng mahigpit.
Nuong tanghaling 'yon hindi ko alam kung ano ang totoong masakit sa akin. Kung iyon bang mga sugat na natamo ko dahil sa aksidente o iyong puso ko.
Alam kong hindi binanggit ni Lance ang paguusap namin kay Mommy dahil kung oo ay siguradong kinausap na ako nito tungkol rito. Sa mga sumunod na araw ay mas maaga akong nagigising sa mga naunang araw na nasa ospital ako.
Ani ng doktor ay tuluyan na talaga akong nakakarecover but still the stomach pain and difficulty of breathings are there.
Agad kong naramdaman ang oxygen mask sa aking bibig ng maramdaman ko ang pagkawala ng hininga sa aking baga. I gripped Mom's hand while the doctors are checking me.
Isa lang iyon sa maraming beses na pagatake ng aking sakit. Madalas pakiramdam ko nawawalan na lang ako ng hininga kahit nakahiga lang ako't walang ginagawa. Kalimitan ay nagpapanik pa sila Lance kapag natutulog ako dahil pakiramdam nila ay hindi ako humihinga but that is just one of the symptoms that my injury is worsening.
"Anak... it's been three months" ani Daddy habang nakatutok ang aking mata sa TV.
I felt him rubbed my hand. Sobrang init ng kanyang kamay taliwas sa kamay kong sobrang lamig. That time, I badly wanted to tell Dad that I wanted to go to States for the sugery pero sa 'twing pumapasok sa isipan ko si Clef ay pakiramdam ko'y napipi-pi ako.
Iniwan ako ni Daddy sa kwarto ng tawagin siya ng nurse dahil dumating na daw ang doktor ko. Nanatili ang mata ko sa TV at nanuod lang ng pelikula sa cable channel. When I got bored ay agad kong inabot ang remote sa bedside table at inilipat iyon.
I was scanning through the channel when one TV show caught my eyes.
"Showbusiness News: The Creole of Note finally returned to the big screen after the long haitus but that's not the only reason why the fans are celebrating! It's because the bassist of the band, Clef Viray, has finally returned!"
Pakiramdam ko'y tumigil ang aking mundo ng marinig na sabihin iyon ng newscaster sa TV. I saw some of the band's picture with Clef.
"After so many controversies, their agency confirmed that Clef is finally back and will be attending their scheduled world tour. An album will also be released by the end of the month and they said that it is dedicated to their fans who never stopped supporting them"
Nang marinig ko ang tunog ng doorknob ay agad kong nilipat ang channel ng TV. I saw Dad with creased forehead. He looked at me then to the TV bago bumuntong-hininga at kinuha sa akin ang remote at pinatay iyon.
"You should rest now, Ferm. Kanina ka pa nanunuod ng TV. Mamaya dadating na ang Mommy mo baka madatnan ka ulit niyang tulog" he said softly before tucking me into the comforter.
Wala akong nagawa kundi ang sundin siya. I closed my eyes to have some little sleep pero hindi maalis sa utak ko ng mga balitang narinig ko. Clef is back in the band but the last time we talked three months ago ay tuluyan niya na itong iniwan.
Is it the reason why he's still not visiting me? Is it because he is busy again? World tour? New album?
Nakatulog ako ng iniisip ang mga bagay na iyon. Naalimpungatan lang ako ng pakiramdam ko ay may nanunuod sa akin. When I tried opening my eyes, everything that I saw is complete darkness. Ilang beses akong nagpalingon-lingon hanggang sa marinig ko ang tunog ng sasakyan.
I felt my heartbeat raced, ang hangin sa aking baga ay unti-unti ring nawawala. Tumingin ako sa aking likuran at nakita ko ang isang rumaragasang sasakyan sakay ang isang babae na masamang nakatingin sa akin.
I wanted to run to avoid the car pero pakiramdam ko'y hindi ako makakilos sa aking kinatatayuan. The girl inside the car looked at me with spite. Umagos ang luha sa aking mata. I felt all so horror and frantic. Halos hindi ako makahinga ng maayos hanggang sa ilang metro na lang ang layo ng sasakyan sa akin.
Narinig ko ang sigawan sa paligid. Nang babanggain na ako ng sasakyan ay hindi ko na mapigilang hindi mapasigaw. Kasabay nuon ay ang tuluyan kong paggising sa isang bangungot.
My eyes are wide. I felt tears on my cheeks. Unang bumungad sa akin ang puting kisame habang naririnig ko ang paglabas ng kung sino sa aking kwarto.
"Hurry up, Lance!" I heard a familiar voice said hanggang sa makita ko ang kanyang mukha sa aking harapan. He looked so stress while looking at me.
"Ferm, are you okay? Please talk to me" aniya habang patuloy ang malalim kong paghinga sa ilalim ng oxygen mask. Nanlalaki pa rin ang aking mata. Hindi makapaniwalang naruon siya sa aking harapan.
I heard him murmured some curse habang ginugulo niya ang kanyang buhok, "Nasaan na ba ang mga doctor na 'yon. Kapag may nangyari sa— " he stopped talking when I held his hand that is resting on the pole at the side of my bed.
Immediately his eyes soften. I felt his warm hands on my hand, carressing it like he's really worried at me.
"H-Hey... " he croaked like he's going to cry anytime.
"B-Blaire... "
He smiled faintly at me, "Y-yes? W-what is it princess?" aniya bago ko nakita ang panunubig ng luha sa kanyang mata.
"H-help me. Please help me... " I begged as my tears flowed from my eyes. Habang ang kanya ay tumutulo rin na parang hindi makapaniwalang nasa ganuong sitwasyon ako.
A/N: Thank you for the continuous support! Malapit ng matapos ang kwento and we all made it this far. I love you so much readers! 💞