(So, this is the first chapter with Dr Dufre but it does not give any background on their relationship. This will appear in the next chapter, which I actually wrote first before I realised that this (and the previous one) came first in the first part. So please excuse the lack of context between them! Enjoy xx)
"I ALMOST HURT her,"
His mouth falls open and his pen out of his hands. He ushers me over to the chairs and I sit down, running a hand through my hair.
The alcohol had left my system and the memories came flooding back from last night the moment I woke up. My anger, her fear, Camila's concern (and annoyance).
"But, why would you do that?" Dr Dufre asks, confused.
Well obviously I didn't want to.
He had his notebook and pen with him, resting on his leg. I had asked a few times to see my file, or rather files, but he refused. It was reserved for him and if I became too dangerous to myself, possibly my father.
"Would it make you feel any better if I told you it was because I drank a shit load of whiskey?" I offer and he groans.
"I thought we left that in the past?" He asks and I shrug.
"You know the way I get when I am angry," I say.
I go crazy. My head begins to spin and if I do not let it out then I drink my anger away. Of course, when I am sober I realise how idiotic it is. Alcohol only heightens my emotions, be it attraction or fury, and when I am a vengeful drunk...it is not pretty.
"What made you angry?" He asks, his voice back to his therapist-like tone.
If anybody knew how much I wanted that CEO job, it would be Dr Dufre. He knew everything about him, and, like he told me every time I visited, he knew me better than I knew myself.
"He may give the position to Federico," I say through gritted teeth.
I was half expecting him to chastise me for getting drunk for such a silly reason. That I had overreacted and then he would tell me that everything would be okay.
But he was silent.
Wonderful.
I begin to tell him everything that happened once I left the office.
I called Greg to tell him that I would find my own way home and he presumed I had a date. Instead, I used a company car and drove to the most elite bar in the area. If you could call any bar elite and elegant.
It was filled with men in suits and women with pencil skirts and button-up shirts. It was different to the usual plain or too-short clothes that people wore to other bars. It was clear who was there for a casual business meeting or to drown their work problems. Often some of the people were fired and this was their last chance to use the company credit card.
I made my way to the bar and the bartender served me immediately, judging the strength I needed from my facial expression. As my fingers closed around the cold glass, I felt some of the rage leaving me.
"I knew that I was doing the wrong thing. I knew that the moment I took one gulp of that drink I would be there for hours. I knew that I was being reckless and that I may hurt somebody but that did not stop me. I don't think anything could have stopped me," I say and Dr Dufre takes notes at lightning speed.
Whenever I drank alcohol there was something foreign yet familiar to it. No matter how long it was until I drank something, there would always be a lingering taste from when I was younger. It was as if the taste was burned into my tongue.
Nowadays, the drinks come after the anger but, when I first started, the anger came after. I bought my first bottles because of the shock, the denial that she had really left.
That she left me.
I was young: I was not prepared for any of the effects. Instead of feeling abandonment, I felt anger. How could she leave me? How could Dad let her leave?
Why did it have to happen to her?
It did not help that everything seemed to fall apart at the same time. Marco was not there, my father started to become a ghost and my maternal family packed up. I was alone and for some reason the alcohol made me feel less lonely.
I probably would have gone down an endless, vicious cycle if not for Camila. An almost stranger who did whatever she could to ensure I did not throw away my life. I still don't know why I ended up drunk dialling her.
But thank goodness she picked up.
When Marco returned, the two of them hit it off as friends as well and we became a trio. It was different, having a girl in the group, but it worked. We wanted to protect her but she ended up protecting us more.
Which, was not too unbelievable. First, Marco was no fighter. He may swear here and there but that is about as far as he will go. Secondly, I was a piece of fraying thread and was always in need of them to patch me up. And finally, Camila was about as badass as you could get.
"Diego?" Dr Dufre says, interrupting my thoughts.
"Just thinking about the first time," I tell him. There was no point in even trying to lie to him, and why would I?
"When Camila came to your rescue?" He checks and I nod.
Dr Dufre liked to call her my princess in shining armour.
"Relive it," He instructs.
I groan. We seemed to do this often, if I ever had any temptation to suddenly drink again. I was forced to remember the pain and abandonment I felt when my mother died, the way it felt like glass was slowly cutting my heart in a way that made me feel like I was dying but never killed me.
Then, I would reimagine the burn of the alcohol as it slipped down my throat. It ignited every part of my body and got rid of all the glass, temporarily. The way my head began to spin and it felt like my entire body was buzzing.
But then...then came the crash. My entire system seemed to shut down and I would feel the glass reappearing, but larger and sharper. My limbs would feel weak and I would begin to see in flashes. There would be no time for anything to subside, I hated it so much so I would just drink again.
And again and again.
When I think about it now, I realise I could have handled everything better if Marco had been here. I needed him, and it was not his fault that he was not here (which I have to convince him of all the time), but not having him here...I felt alone.
Marco has always been my best friend, my family. He had been one of the few people I trusted. My emotions were heightened at the time and I felt like he was never coming back. Wherever he was, he found new happiness and a new best friend. It was more reason to drink.
Camila had been the girl I was pursuing at the time. I was failing, but I never gave up. The idea of a girl not actually wanting me, well, it was foreign. It still is. It was not that I wanted a real relationship with her but she was always on my mind. And, when I was drunk and everything was fuzzy, she was still clear.
It sounds like I was in love with her, but I wasn't. I love her now but under, completely and obviously, different circumstances.
She instantly knew I was drunk when she answered the phone. I did not sound so flirtatious like I usually did, instead I sounded sad. And, despite how annoyed she was with my constant attempts to get her to sleep with me, she got to me quickly.
She helped me through the aftermath and took me to her place. It was a one time thing and I was forbidden from looking through her underwear drawer. Little did she now that I would end up at her place at least once a week in the future.
The drawer rule is still in place, for some reason.
As soon as I was sober, she began to give me a lecture: I was an idiot, I was throwing my life away and I would probably end up with liver cirrhosis if I continued with my drinking patterns. It felt like I was getting scolded by a mother and I broke down.
Yes, in front of the girl that I was planning on sleeping with.
I still remember the way she took me in her arms and rubbed my back as I explained everything. She did not interrupt me once nor did she force me to speed up when I took long breaks between sentences because I began to cry.
She was a friend and I realised that, at that moment, that was all I really needed.
When Marco came back, I told him everything. He could not believe that he was not here in my time of need which led to the introduction of Camila as my friend. He already knew about her before but only as another intended fling.
Together, we went to my father and I came clean. Looking back, he was not as angry as he should have been. He seemed disappointed, in himself or in me? I still do not know. He never said anything, he only nodded which I took as my cue to leave.
And then suddenly the next day I had a meeting with a shrink.
"Hello Dr," I wink and he rolls his eyes.
"Don't you think you were just lucky back then? What are the chances that if you spiral down that much, you will be able to make you way back up? Maybe it was because you were still young and easily influenced," Dr Dufre tells me.
"I know, I may lose myself. But...I don't want to. I do not want to give everything up. But, it is just so difficult when it feels like my life is falling apart," I bury my face in my hands and he lets out a deep breath.
"It is hardly falling apart. You still have Camila and Marco, and you even have some part of Gregorio. You have me. And never forget, you have Violetta,"
You have Violetta.
Did I?
"I could have hurt her," I tell him, "I don't trust myself to be near her anymore. I don't want to hurt her and you know that."
"Well, the way I see it is: you cannot stay away from her. She is slowly, but surely, changing you. The last thing I would recommend is you avoiding her. You don't want to hurt her and the only way that is possible is if you stay away from alcohol,"
"But–" He cuts me off.
"But nothing. I know you want her to be safe and to maintain her innocence, that is what originally intrigued you after all, and I also know that you will be damned if you see anybody else trying to do just that. So the only way is to change,"
He stopped but I knew the next words.
For her.
Hi! So how was it? I hope this is more detailed than what you got when everything was explained to Violetta, or else this was all for nothing...
"originally intrigued you"
Hm, what could that possibly mean ; )
The next one is about their kiss!
I hope you enjoyed this one. Not too much about Violetta, so I decided to give you some in the ending. Oh, and they will all not be this long. At least, hopefully not.
Thanks for reading 🙈 Sorry for any errors 💚
~Lexy 😈