❝I forget how to love myself most days. But I keep trying. I keep trying. And that alone is a victory. ❞
~Alison Malee
• • •
Every day was different. I could feel it. I could feel myself transforming into someone new every morning, but within seconds, I couldn't remember a thing. I was different. I was changed. I was a stranger to the old me. I could also tell when people avoided telling me things in the fear that I would explode of emotional turmoil or overthinking. I knew when they kept me in the dark to protect me. And I willingly let them.
I, more than anyone else, knew that my mind was capable of destroying me. Most times I wasn't even in control of my body. My subconscious was a powerful thing, my therapist had told me. So powerful that it was like a person itself, controlling my body as it saw fit. As much as that terrified me, a part of me found that fascinating; I felt emotions so strongly that they became people themselves.
"Hols, Ava's here!" Dad called from the kitchen. Dad was always very particular about not mixing up my splits. He knew that my reaction wouldn't be the most pleasing thing if he'd called me by a different name. Before I could ponder over it too much, however, Ava showed up at my room.
"Your dad warned me it'd be messy,"she said, eyeing the clothes dumped on the floor, the books littering the table and the bedsheets lying disarrayed over my bed. I winced. "Sorry, it tends to get messy when I'm lazy to clean it."
She laughed. "So, you mean all the time?" I playfully punched her arm. "You're acting like my dad!"
She shrugged. "Your dad's cool, so I've got no problem with that." I raised my eyebrows in a look that suggested 'you have got to be kidding me'.
We were just making our way to the front door, leaving for school, when Dad showed up. "Girls! Do you want to hear a joke?"
I groaned. My dad couldn't get more embarrassing. Ava, on the other hand, nodded her head in excitement. For some reason, however sarcastic and emotionless Ava was all the other times, when it came to my dad's jokes, she laughed really hard.
"Dad, we've gotta go," I said, pushing open the door.
Ava shot me a threatening look. "No, tell us Mr. Mills!"
Dad chuckled. "See, at least Ava appreciates my jokes! If only she was my daughter."
Ava laughed and I pouted.
"Fine then, I'm going to go live with Ava's parents. They're so much cooler, anyway."
I knew it was a joke, but somehow I couldn't help but think how different things would've been if Ava was my dad's daughter. He'd not have as much trouble taking care of her, for one. He wouldn't need to worry about four different people in one body. And he most definitely wouldn't have to worry about her losing her memory and forgetting him forever one day.
Especially with Eve away at college, it got extremely lonely at home. Dad was always at work; he couldn't help it, there was no other way to pay off the bills and he wouldn't even think about letting me get a part-time job.
While most other siblings had love-hate relationships, mine and Eve's was just hate. We rarely ever got along, and when we did it'd be the times we wouldn't have to talk to each other, like while watching TV.
I was quite relieved when she chose to leave home, but was also a slight bit betrayed because she knew how hard my dad worked to take care of us and keep us together as a family, but she chose to walk away from all that and start a new life.
She did come to visit sometimes, though, and those were the absolute worst. The only person I knew who couldn't stand Eve more than me was Ava. Those two couldn't go minutes without one of them ending up walking away or slamming a door.
"What time did the man go to the dentist?" Dad asked excitedly. I rolled my eyes and tried to keep the smile off my face. This was going to be terrible and I knew it.
"Tooth hurt-y."
I hit myself. Hard. With the help of a wall.
It still didn't help the unbearable need to punch something at the terribleness of that joke. Ava struggled to hold in her laughter. I shook my head at her in disappointment.
"It was nice knowing you, Dad! I'm going to go live at Ava's house from now on."
He grinned and told us to have a good day at school. I knew we wouldn't. I mean, it was school. That place was a living hell.
As soon as we got into the car, Ava turned towards me in excitement. "I'm not really a big fan of gooey romance and you know it, but what did you get Will for your one-year anniversary?"
I smirked. "Not a big fan of gooey romance. Yeah right. You're the one who squeals every time we do something cute together."
She shrugged. "Nah, that's just 'cause it's you guys. I don't really care for any other couples."
I didn't know how to respond to that. It was true; Ava didn't care for a lot of things. Especially not her own love life. I could see something igniting between her and Ted, Will's best friend, but nothing big enough to make a deal out of. I knew better than to ask Ava about it; she'd just deny it and start acting super cautious around Ted the next time she saw him.
That's the thing about Ava. While I was the extremely emotional one, what with my split personalities apparently behaving like complete opposites, she was the cool headed one. She didn't let anything get to her, and if something did, she'd hide it in. You could never know what Ava was feeling, even if you were as close to her as I was.
"Answer my question, woman. What did you get him?"
I blushed. "You'll see."
She opened her mouth in shock. "You know I hate surprises!"
I grinned evilly. "Precisely why I'm not telling you."
She glared daggers at me. "You're a terrible person. You know that, Holly?"
I smiled. "And that's exactly why you come pick me up every morning at my house, hang out with me all the time and sometimes give me your food. I love you too, A."
She smiled, despite herself. "This is the first time you've ever reached my sass level. Good job, young one. I see you're learning from the master."
I giggled, instantaneously breaking the cool facade. "Sure, A. Whatever you want to believe."
When we made our way to our lockers, I almost squealed out loud. Will pulled me into his arms and twirled me, not even bothered by the fact that everyone in the hallway was watching us. "Bell!" He exclaimed.
I grinned at the use of his nickname for me. He'd called me Bell since we were little because my name always reminded him of 'Deck the halls'. Every time I saw him he'd start singing the song, and at one point he just called me 'bells of Holly.' Eventually, that became too long for him so he started calling me Bell. He said he loved the nickname even more because it described me; beautiful like the french word 'belle'. When I told Ava about that she had to do everything in her power to refrain from puking.
"One year!" I squealed, holding his hand. He beamed. "It feels like so much more."
The rest of the day went by in a blur; I gave Will his gift, which was a photo album with pictures of all the memories we'd made together. I loved photography almost as much as I loved Will, so I thought a personalised gift would work perfectly. Thankfully, he loved it just as much as I'd loved making it.
At the end of it all, my thoughts finally caught up with me.
Yes, I knew I was abnormal.
Yes, I knew I had a disorder.
And yes, I knew I wasn't the easiest person to get close to.
But I also knew that I wasn't ever going to blend in. I didn't know how to fade into the other colours on the canvas. I was always going to be the spilled ink that needed to be removed to restore the masterpiece.
Except with Ava and Will, I felt like the masterpiece itself.
. . . .