I have to admit, the first 24 hours home with Ramiel made me a little nervous, if Prince had any worries, he hid them well. For the next few days we continue to do everything as we were shown in the hospital and by Gretchen on her initial visit here. Our life now revolves around Ramiel: his feedings, keeping him changed, sponge baths, cleaning his stump and making sure the stump is getting plenty of air.
I return to my normal routine of showering every morning, but instead of getting 'dressed,' I change into a clean nightie or something else comfortable enough that I can go back to sleep in. Since nursing and sleeping seems to be all that I'm doing, the lack of any activity other than the showers and changing out of milk stained clothing, has sent me on a downward spiral emotionally. Neither Prince nor I us realize this, even with him being super attentive with both me and Ramiel. Prince has been doing more than his fair share by making sure that I get plenty of rest, eating healthily, and keeping an eye on Ramiel in between feedings.
Gretchen, who had been keeping tabs via phone, returns at the end of the first week to check in. She had given us a recommendation for a Naturopath pediatrician while we were still in the hospital and today we discuss Ramiel's upcoming wellness appointment. When she's done explaining what to expect, my lack of input makes her eye me warily as I'm nursing Ramiel. "Mr. Nelson, could I speak to you for a minute in private?"
I look up at her from the bed, but quickly return my attention back to Ramiel. As if on cue, I tilt my jaw, offering my cheek to Prince's customary kiss before he follows her out into the hallway. My eyes stay on the baby, but I'm not really seeing, it's more of a tranced stare. While they're still in the hallway, the timer on the bassinet sounds, telling me it's time to switch breasts. On autopilot, I break Ramiel's latch and reposition him onto the other breast, thinking only about getting back to sleep as soon as he's finished.
More minutes pass and Prince enters the bedroom first, I look up at him to see him watching me with a more critical eye, I simply return my attention back to Ramiel. I barely notice the exchange of glances between the two when Gretchen enters the room shortly behind him. Prince returns to my side, sitting on the edge of the bed, he strokes my hair. I tilt my head toward him in response, but nothing more, I don't see the concerned looks that get exchanged a second time.
When Ramiel is finished, Gretchen takes him from me, "I'll check his diaper, Dear," she smiles at me, I nod. When I cover my breasts back up and try to lay back down, Prince stops me by cuddling up next to me, keeping me in my sitting position, "Come here, Baby," he pulls me into an embrace. I return the hug half heartedly, and softly kiss his cheek. Prince leans back to study my face, when his eyes meet mine the concern in his is evident, I look away from his stare. "Sugar, look at me," he urges, gently lifting my chin with his index finger. When I meet his eyes again, I now see the worry has extended from his eyes to his beautiful face. This time when he pulls me in tight, he whispers into my ear, "I love you."
"I love you, too," I hold onto him, but not as tightly as he's holding me.
Gretchen returns with Ramiel, and Prince releases me, kissing my forehead before he stands. Ramiel is handed off to Prince, who looks over his shoulder at me one more time before taking the baby, leaving me alone in our bedroom with Gretchen. After several seconds, Gretchen sits on the edge of the bed, "Dana, I'm worried about you." I look at her and frown, her brows are knitted with worry. "How are you feeling?" she asks.
"Tired," I reply in a breathy way, almost as if just saying the word is an effort.
"Come on, get up, get dressed," she starts pulling my hand, urging me out of the bed.
I sigh and shake my head, "I can't, I need to sleep."
"Not right now, you don't, let's go," her voice has went from the gentle, soothing tone I'm so used to hearing, to an authoritative one.
My head falls forward in defeat, I throw back the covers and swing my legs over the edge of the bed, shooting Gretchen a dissatisfied look before I stand to head to the bathroom. Since I'm forced out of my bed, I take the time to pee, clean myself up and put on a new pair of the adult briefs. I step into my closet and force my milk swollen breasts into a bra. Looking into the mirror to see my sagging, bulging belly, I huff and begin looking for a dress to conceal it. Several dresses get removed from hangers and put on, only to be pulled back off, and thrown to the floor. The pile of discarded dresses grows at my feet.
Gretchen appears in the doorway of my closet as I'm pulling on yet another dress, tears of frustration are building in my eyes as I look into the mirror. When I start to yank this dress back off she stops me, "This one is fine, put on those shoes," she points the one pair of tennis shoes that I own, I glare at her. "Now," she says and folds her arms over her chest, I grab the shoes and head to my vanity chair to sit down. When the shoes are tied onto my bare feet, Gretchen takes my hand and leads me out through the bedroom and to the top of the stairs.
I stop dead in my tracks at the top of the stairs, her eyes question me. "I haven't went down these stairs since the day I suspected I was pregnant," I explain.
"Come on," she says gently and starts down the staircase, I follow carefully. Prince enters the foyer from his office to watch us coming down the stairs, he's empty handed.
"Where's Ramiel?" I ask when I reach the landing.
"Sleeping in his bassinet, in my office," he says calmly, smiling at me as his eyes scan the dress. "It's nice to see you in a dress again," he kisses my cheek but he's fully aware that my hand travels to press at my belly.
"We'll be back in about twenty minutes or so," Gretchen tells Prince. When I gape at her, she moves to the front door and opens it, "Let's go."
I look back at Prince waiting for him to intervene, he presses on my shoulder for me to follow. When I turn he takes the opportunity to playfully swat my butt, now I gape at him. "Go," he says with a sparkly eyed smile. I hear him chuckle as I'm lead out the door and he returns to the office.
Gretchen is already several feet ahead of me and I quicken my pace to catch up, "What are we doing?"
"Walking," she says as I struggle to match her quick pace.
I focus on staying paced with her and don't say anything until we pass the fourth house on the street. These are large properties, so we've walked a distance almost equivalent to a city block. I start to glance back toward the house, "How far are we going?"
"A little bit," she pauses, "Prince says you haven't left the house since you've been home." I look at her and shake my head, I am just now starting to feel the sun's warmth on my skin, there's a gentle breeze, I smell fresh cut grass. Gretchen takes note that I'm finally becoming aware of my surroundings, she stops and smiles, "Hi," she pats my shoulder and starts walking again. I frown at the oddness of what just happened and catch up to her again.
We walk for three more houses before Gretchen crossed the street and we start to walk back towards our house. As we near the house she eyes me, "Do you want to keep going?"
I look longingly toward the house, but I'm feeling somewhat more energized, so I say, "A little bit." She smiles and we walk down four more houses before returning home.
As we make our way up the walk, I can hear the piano even before we enter the house, it stops when the door opens. Ramiel's bassinet is on the floor beside the piano, and Prince turns on the bench to face us. He smiles when he sees me and pats the bench beside him, I cross the foyer and sit down next to him.
Gretchen looks pleased, but still emits concern, "I want you both to leave the house everyday, at least for thirty minutes to an hour. Alone, or together, just get outside, okay?" Prince and Gretchen both wait for me to nod in agreement, and I'm pretty sure they had already discussed this. She looks at me squarely, "I mean it."
"Yes, Ma'am," I agree.
"Good, I'll be checking on you again soon," she approaches me and pulls me into a hug before she gathers her things and lets herself out.
"Are you hungry?" Prince asks after she's gone.
"Yes," I'm actually starving after that walk.
"Good, come on," Prince takes my hand and starts to pull me from the piano bench. When I hesitate and look down at Ramiel, he chuckles, "He'll be fine, Sugar, he's not going anywhere."
I follow Prince into the kitchen to grab a bite to eat while our baby snoozes away in his bassinet.