MORE A/N AND TRIGGER WARNINGS--details/discussion of assault, and what happens to Robbie
Just see the summary at the end of the chapter if you are passing on reading.
When I woke up from reliving that hell, I was alone in bed and badly shaken. I tried not to ever think about that night and all the things I could have done differently, or what had been done to us. How it was the thing that finally broke Hadley for good. It was a year later that she took the sleeping pills, and honestly, I didn't blame her at all. Robbie may have paid with his life, but so had Hadley.
"Fuck this shit," I said out loud. I sat up and reached for my pipe, which was packed with sativa heavy bud. "Fuck," I said again, unable to shake the nightmare. I smelled bacon and coffee and I wanted so much to not be alone but I couldn't go downstairs yet and pretend to be a person. I desperately wanted Hadley, in the way you wake up from a nightmare about someone and need to talk to that person to make sure they didn't really die like in your dream. I texted Cam where are you.
A minute later the door opened and he came in, sleepy, his hair in his face. I felt some of the tension go out of my chest and he crawled under the covers, snuggling up to me. "Warm," he said, contentedly. He looked at me, inches away, so strange with one blue eye and one green, though of course I was used to it. "You rang?" Bowser jumped up and circled several times to tramp down the invisible snow, then collapsed with a doggy sigh.
I shrugged, not wanting him to know how shaken I was. "Bad dreams," I said. "Nightmares." I shook my head. "Can't shake it."
He wrapped an arm around me, crushing my head to his chest gently, and kissed my head. "Smoke more," he suggested. "Also, fuck nightmares. That shit can't touch you." He let go and gestured to my pipe. "Nothing can touch you, bb," he said simply, because somehow he believed it. Like I hadn't also been broken by Robbie. And I loved him for it.
"I love you," I said, inexplicably feeling a little better.
He smiled, glad to cheer me up. "Course you do," he said. "I'm your best friend forever. We're totes magotes."
I shoved him but not hard and smoked some more, sharing it. I was dying for a cigarette. It made me get out of bed. I opened the window halfway and warm air came in. "Damn, summer, enough already." I tucked myself into the sill and lit a cigarette. "Thank you, Jesus," I said exhaling. I looked at Cam, falling asleep in my bed. "If I ever want to stop smoking again, slap me."
"Mmm," he agreed.
I saw it was only ten. "You're up early."
"Not for long," he said, yawning. "Come back to bed."
I made a face at him. "You just want my warmth."
"True."
By the time I finished the cigarette he was asleep again. "Dammit," I grouched. My mind was still on that night with a tenacity that would stay with me until I allowed the rest to play in my head. It was a fucked up side effect of my unique memory. I lit another cigarette and allowed the movie of that night to continue playing.
******
Erika stayed with us, which still surprises me when I look back because she was always the first one to jump into a fight and the first person in this grim dark fairy tale I thought would be kicking in teeth. Literally.
Instead she was there when we were ready to try to wash off, with soap for us and then warm towels and then somehow hot chocolate and also brandy. And she maybe cried the whole time but so did we. And it somehow helped.
Hadley and I fell asleep in my bed, drugged from the exhaustion and coming down from the adrenaline and terror. We'd also each taken a sedative and painkillers.
I woke up an hour later, facing Hadley, who had her thumb in her mouth; something we hadn't seen in years. I rolled over to see that Erika sat on the floor, staring into space by the closed door, our parents' gun at her feet. We all knew the combination to the safe in their closet where it was kept.
Little good it had done us.
She saw me and immediately got up and came over to fuss with the blanket and tuck it around me, even though it was fine. "You need anything?" she whispered so she didn't disturb Hadley. She saw the thumb and anguish washed across her face because it spoke volumes. She looked back to me and tried to smile, feeling my forehead with her soft, cool hand as if I had a fever.
I shook my head and allowed my eyes to close with her hand still on me.
When next I woke, Evie was kneeling with Erika by the door and she had a plastic bag in her hands, an old white restaurant takeout bag, nondescript. In the dim light from the various plugins I could see she wore a dark beanie with her hair tucked under it, and dark clothes; classic villain attire though she was not in this case in costume.
She sat on the end of the bed in the near dark, and Freak sat on the edge on my side, putting her hand on my arm just above the elbow just because. The clock read 4:22. Evie nodded that I should wake up Hadley.
I didn't want to scare her so I whispered her name. Her eyes flew open in panic before she saw me and came back down to earth. She noticed Erika and then her attention was on Evie, as was mine. We sat up, all eyes on her, my heart pounding because somehow I knew. Maybe not exactly what, but I knew.
Evie was wearing black latex gloves and she untied the knot in the plastic handles; I saw the contents were actually bagged in triplicate. Then she looked up at us. She didn't say anything, didn't try to put words into a place where none were needed.
Instead she held out the bag so we could see inside, while Erika shone a flashlight into it. A small clear Tupperware container sat on a red piece of cloth, but we couldn't see into it. The gloves moved aside the Tupperware, pushing it into a corner of the bag, and she pulled the red shirt out enough for us to really see, and comprehend.
We realized at the same time bits of it were still white and it was wet and soaked with blood. Soaked with blood. A savage joy slammed into me, taking my breath for a moment. Then she was dropping the shirt back in and opening the rattling Tupperware container, which was round. She tilted it and the beam hit it to show all of the teeth inside. They had been rinsed off, certainly, but still retained plenty of blood and gore and in some cases, full roots. My hand went to my mouth, a wave of icy, undefinable, sheer emotion washing over me from head to toe.
"Freddy and his tool kit," Hadley said hoarsely, and squeezed my hand, and I knew she felt the same indescribable triumph I did. Freak remained uncharacteristically quiet.
Evie replaced the container and retied the bag. Then she regarded us. "You want to know more?"
"Yes," I said immediately. We looked at Hadley. She swallowed and nodded, savagery in her eyes. I couldn't feel my hand.
Evie looked off to the left as she did when she was recalling something, because she also saw pictures and videos as her thought process. "As it turns out, cement trucks are incredibly easy to operate. And construction sites are, of course, notoriously unguarded. Your teacher volunteered to help fill in a sidewalk."
"Alive?" I had to know.
Her smile was grim and determined. She looked savage as fuck right then. Which of course she was. "Alive, awake, full on blubbering. Pathetic, really." She paused, considering. "We couldn't think of a worse way to die."
I was crying but it was in relief, and wonderment at our family, and such vindication I was overwhelmed with it.
Evie stood up with the bag. "Freddy and I are going to go finish . . . this. Mohammed and Cam are here." She got to the door and stopped as something else occurred to her. "If you smell smoke, don't worry about it."
On that note she went back out and we moved over so Erika could fit in the bed and we went back to sleep.
When we made it downstairs the next day, sore and shaken, it was noon and the windows were open to dispel the stale smoke. With no trace of awkwardness we all joined together in the doorway from the kitchen to view the alcove. Hadley was trembling and I was worried I might throw up but what we saw was further proof of our comrades' resourcefulness in handling shit. Cam hesitantly put his arms around her and she relaxed a little into him.
The curtains were gone, only ashes remaining. The sewing machine was charred almost beyond recognition, the rest of the furniture other than the table having been removed. Including the fucking denim pillow with the button. Everything was blackened or smoke damaged, and white residue from the fire extinguishers covered it all. On the table, beakers and test tubes, some broken, lay all over the table. I saw bottles of strontium chloride, boric acid, sodium chloride, copper sulfate. Aha. "Rainbow fire gone wrong? That's the story?"
"T-t-terrible c-c-calamity," Mo deadpanned, but he looked exhausted and unstable.
"We messed up a high school science experiment?" Hadley wondered, taking in the destruction with satisfaction.
"BLC fo' life," Cam said with a shrug, but he was barely hanging on. He looked at me, anxious to know how bad I was. I tried to give him a reassuring smile, and it must have worked, because his face smoothed out a little. Bowser stood at his heels and whined. Even the damned dog was oversensitive.
I moved into the kitchen, seeing my purple taser where someone had set it on the counter. I realized none of them knew. My mouth went dry. The bar stools had been righted. I stood where he had stood when he picked up the taser off the floor, looked at where I had cowered and tried to climb over the counter. Where I had failed to save us because I had been too weak to move a tiny switch.
Cam and Hadley were next to me, and she put her arm around me. "Did it not work, love?"
I was shivering and crossed my arms, gripping myself tightly, but that didn't help. "It worked for him," I whispered, hating myself after for putting those helpless looks on their faces when they realized what I meant.
Another glance at the stun gun made me gag and I got to the nearby bathroom just in time. Then I just knelt there, crying in front of the toilet, feeling exceedingly sorry for myself, for both of us.
Moey came in, shut the door, and sat on the edge of the bathtub, resting a hand between my shoulder blades. He ran water on a cloth and handed it to me with an uncapped bottle of water. I wiped my face and used some to rinse out my mouth. Then I turned toward him, tormented, and hugged him around the waist, resting my head in his lap.
He stroked my hair. "I c-c-can't fix this," he said, a mixture of many emotions in his voice. "I'm s-s-sorry."
"I couldn't get the fucking switch past flashlight," I sobbed, just loud enough for him to hear. I didn't want the others to know how close I'd come to our salvation and missed it. I didn't want them to hate me. I knew he wouldn't. He was the most forgiving of us all.
He undid my arms from around him long enough to slide down to the floor next to me. Then he gathered me to him again. He and I were always the strong ones, and I was so thankful for his strength then because I had nothing. Less than nothing.
"Not your f-f-fault," he said into my hair, because he knew.
"It is." I cried harder, believing it.
"No, love," he disagreed gently. "I promise."
His promise meant maybe I was wrong, and I clung to it as I did to him. "There was nothing I could do."
"I know," he said, hugging me tightly.
"He said he would get Evie," I told him as my heart clenched, shaking my head at the memory that I would have given anything to erase. "He said he would take her and keep her somewhere. He said if I didn't fight him he wouldn't hurt Hadley!" My voice was rising though I tried not to let it and I wept in agony. "He l-l-lied!" I could barely get the words out.
"Jesus," he said helplessly. "Jesus, D-Dory." He rocked me. "You did everything you c-c-could, bb. Of course you did, we know you did."
"I tried to be quiet," I said, my energy waning, the desire to sleep overwhelmingly strong. "He put the pillow on my face. I tried."
"Oh my God, of course you did," he said again, and I could feel him trying hard not to give in to his own tears. "I'm s-sorry we weren't here; I'm sorry w-we took so long."
He rested his head on mine and I felt calmness start to return. I didn't ever want to talk about it again after this. "He hurt me," I said lastly, mournfully.
He was crying then too, with me. "He paid a million times over," he said steadily, the power in the words driving away the stutter. "Made your Tarantino movies l-look like fucking Teletubbies episodes," he added grimly, wiping his eyes.
I laughed a little, somehow, and tried to wipe my face and get my shit together. "Hard core." I got some toilet paper and blew my nose. The shaking was stopping. "Fuck." I was so fucking tired.
"No. You are hard core." He waited while I took some more shuddering breaths, still holding me easily. "We didn't get into d-details with Cam," he said, softly, because it was on a need to know basis and I needed to know.
I nodded. It was going to be bad enough for Cam without knowing every part. "I feel like I could have stopped it. The taser, anything. If I'd been paying attention." I blew my nose again. "I let him in. Hadley even said, how'd he get your address?" My stupidity was overwhelming. The fact that I had a high IQ only made it that much worse. "I didn't care, because he was hot," I said bitterly.
"You can't do this," he said simply. "Do you blame H-Hadley?" he asked in a low voice so as not to be overheard. That was a crazy idea and he saw it on my face. "Exactly. You can't b-b-blame yourself, either."
I struggled. "Fuck," I said again.
"Dude, look at me," he said, and I did. Here was one of my best friends, someone who knew everything there was to know about me, the very atoms that made me me. He had never lied to me. "It's not your fault. It was t-terrible, unthinkably bad luck."
I wished I could believe that. "I don't know what to do."
He stood up and pulled me up, too. "You're tired, bb. Just get some more sleep for now."
I looked at my wreck of a reflection and flipped it off, then splashed cold water on my face. "I don't know how we'll get past this," I said honestly, looking at him to read his reaction as I dried off my face.
He kept his poker face. "We just will." He reached out and I put my hand in his. "We always do." But he was wrong.
For Hadley and me, the color had been torn from our world. And the unknown countdown to her last days began. Did she know it then? Maybe.
******
When my wretched memories let me go again I was hollow and drained and the day had barely started. I couldn't get the energy to move off the windowsill but I managed to light a third cigarette. I alternated that with a fresh bowl of bud.
After a few minutes the door opened and Erika slipped in carrying my mug. She glanced at Cam and then at me. Her face reflected how I must have looked and she came without a word and embraced me, setting down the coffee. "Bad?"
I tried to forbid the tears from falling and failed as I nodded. All the crying lately really made it clear to me how my PTSD was affected by the deli night. I held the cigarette away so it didn't add to the burn scars she already bore. She made an exasperated sound and took it from me, putting it out on the windowsill so I could hug her properly, which I then did.
She patted my back as my mom did to us when we were upset. "Robbie?"
I nodded again, the intolerable images fresh and atrocious in my mind, glad she couldn't see my face screwed up in the agony that was my failure to save Hadley. Logically I understood it wasn't really my fault. My heart would never be convinced otherwise until the day I died. That was just part of me.
She knew there wasn't anything she could say so she didn't say anything. Thank God it wasn't something that was going to cripple me for days like Cam's depression did to him. After a few minutes I was done sorrowing and felt better. I wiped my face on my sleeve because I'm sexy like that and found the coffee. "I'm a mess," I said, knocking the burned part off the cigarette and relighting it.
"Yeah, ya are," she said mildly. "Knew you were up 'cause I could feel your angst from downstairs, yo."
I raised an eyebrow at her. "Oh, yeah?"
She shrugged, grinning a little and stealing some of my coffee. "Also your smoke was coming in the window a little."
"Fuck, dude," I said, shaking my head. "I'm never sleeping again," I vowed.
She hugged me again with one arm, crushing me briefly. "He's practically bones now," she said ruthlessly. "Probably still reeks of fear."
The words gave me the fortitude I needed.
A/N
Summary: after the assault, and what happens to Robbie (he gets badly hurt and totally dead, as he deserves).
This was also a heartbreaking chapter to write and i'm really glad they're both over.