You made it all better

Alone

I've been here for 3 months now. College started. It's not going like I hoped. My grades are bad and I can't make real friends. I don't know what it is. It just doesn't feel good. Cassidy and Stefan also don't call me anymore, everything had to come from me. I got tired of that. At least my dad and Jamillah still call, but I don't know what to tell them, because I don't want them to know how I feel. All they ever gave me was love, I can't do this to them. In the first month someone asked me to come to a party, and so I did. I thought maybe this would be a chance to make actual friends. Instead I got drunk. This guy was hitting on me and than it happened. I kissed him. It wasn't much more than that, but still. I don't even know why I did it. Was it because I wanted to get Damon out of my head? Well it didn't work, he was all that was in my head. After that I went home, I was lying in bed and I just felt guilt. I felt the urge to call Cassidy and tell her, and so I did.
*Cas?*
*Elena!*
*Cas I need to talk to you, I did something stupid.*
I heard her making a weird sound.
*Elena, I got to hang. Not feeling well. I'll call you later.*
Again, I felt alone. And as I thought she never called me back... Stefan told me that Damon's been going to work, but he's drunk almost every weekend. And he's spending a lot of time with Deborah... Stefan told me not to worry, but of course I do... I just don't know how to reach out to him, he probably doesn't even want me to. I write in my diary a lot, it's not happy stuff in there. I feel like I might be going back to the time I was depressed. It feels so bad.
It's been 6 months and I haven't heard anything from him. The first few weeks I was okay, I was enjoying college life and life near the beach. I still called with Cassidy and Stefan, and they used to call me, but now... I wonder if Damon ever thinks about me. I think about him every day, I'm still having dreams about him almost every night. Dad said I could always come back, but what's the point of coming back if all my friends have let me down. And besides, Damon doesn't want me to. I know I still love him, but I try to push it away, because it's too hard. I have to move on one day, right... Sometimes I catch myself stalking his Instagram or his Facebook. He still has pictures of us on it and I wonder if it means something or if he just forgot to delete them. I'm going through a really hard time and I feel like I have no one. I thought I would be happier living almost next to the beach, doing what I always wanted to do, but my life is a big mess and I'm just the trash in it that should be thrown away. I'm not even fun anymore. When people ask me to come to a party I say I can't come, but than I find myself watching romance movies and crying on the couch. I push everyone away, like I used to. I feel that I'm going down, but I can't talk to anyone about it. I don't want anyone to annoy them with my shit. I just have to fix this myself.
That's why I went to see a doctor today. I told him I had trouble sleeping, because of stress. He gave me something for it. I'm scared what my thoughts say I should do, but I feel like it's the only way out.