Allison
I couldn't stand being in the same room as him. I felt so much anger from giving him so much. Even though he'd done a lot for me, I felt like I had given him my all. I never lied, only the truth came from me. I never hurt him in anyway. I trusted him, left my life behind. When I say my life, I never mean my parents. I mean my friends that helped me, I mean the college I attended. I never once wantrd him to give up anything, I left him so that he wouldn't have issues in keeping what he loves.
Maybe I'm just angry. Maybe I'm just talking shit. Maybe I am realizing just how much I could do, my own potential. I hated this feeling, doubting myself everytime a thought came. I became angry at myself for being selfish but then went back on my word because I wasn't selfish. I got angry that he lied but regreted being Mad because he's done so much for me. I felt my mind betraying itself every other minute. Something was missing, that was the only thing I was sure of, something I hadn't figured out.
I tried to say in the bedroom but felt so claustrophobic after a while. I took a shower to clear my mind. After an hour, I tossed my damp hair in a bun and then got dressed in a satin black underwear set then covered up with my black silk robe.
I wondered down to the library, hoping to find a good book. I entered the cold and dark library as if it was a foreign place. I switched on the light, scanning the room for a minute before starting my search.
I tried looking for Jans Eyre but it wasn't in its usual place. My next book was a collection of short stories by Shirley Jackson. I scanned through the book but I found it uninteresting at the moment. I looked through the shelves, scanning for classics. I grab a Jane Austen novel but place it back a moment later shaking my head. I tried scanning othet genres. From Stephen King to Nicholas Sparks.
I was thankful to hear the noise of the front foor opening and shutting. A fear arose within me a moment later however as I expected the argument and anger to burst through the door.
I took hesitant steps to the door. After hearing the car keys being tossed on the coffee table in the great hall, I decided to walk out.
He looked like shit. His shirt wrinkled to no end, unbuttoned. His hair was sticking up in random places. His eyes were red from no sleep.
He sat in a chair, his elbows on his knees, his hands on his face. He sighs and takes a moment for himself to figure out how to relax. Taking in a few deep breathes and then suddenly releasing his vision from behin his hands.
Mads looked up at me with pain and guilt. I couldn't tell if he was hurt by my own words or by the entire dilema.
"I should have told you," he says.
"I should have told you but I was... I was scared. I can't lose you. I won't. I refuse to lose you. I love you too much to let you go. If you knew... I felt like you'd leave me. Please don't leave me," he sighs.
"How could I leave you?"
There were two ways this could go. I had only realized it until after I said it. What I meant was that I could never leave him because I love him too much. Instead of taking this in the loving way in which it was meant, Mads thought of something else.
He stood up abruptly. He lends out his hands as if giving up. His eyebrows furrow together, questionably.
"What does that mean?" He asks roughly.
"What do you think? I can't leave you because-"
Before I can even declare my love and obsession with him he jumps to conclusions.
"Do you feel stuck here? Do you feel like you have to love me to get away from them? Your family."
"What does that even mean? I love you, I don't feel stuck. Why would I feel stuck?"
"Because you have no where to go if you were to leave me," he states bluntly.
He's right. I have no where to go if I ever wanted to leave. I don't want to leave him and to be honest with how I feel about him I never could.
What does it mean though? To be stuck. I was stuck with my father because I had no where to go. Was the cycle repeating? Mads would never hurt me but he was controling. I understood he was protective and possessive but it only became a problem in public. Mads wouldn't hurt me but yet I felt doubt. I didn't want to doubt him. I didn't want to feel like this, it scared me and hurt me.
"I just want to know. If you could leave me, right now, would you?" He asks taking me away from my thoughts.
I look up at him. He runs a hand through his hair, his jaw clenched like always. His lips are a thin linr as he impatiently awaits my answer.
"No. I want to be here with you. I love you. I can't leave because I can't even stand the thought of leaving."
He sighs in relief. He sits back down on the chair. Mads leans back attempting to relax. He fixes his collar, lossening it and unbuttoning some buttons on his shirt.
"Come here," he exhales the words as if exhausted. I felt the same way. Fight each other even in the simplest way, was exhausting.
He opened up his arms, gesturing me to come to him. I didn't hesitate, I maneuveres myself between his legs, still standing. He reaches out, grasping the back of my thighs. He pulls me onto his lap, stradling him. I place my hands on his chest and slowly move them down until my fall on his belt. I hated the sound it made, the clinking as it unbuckles and the snapping it made when being swung. I stared at his belt for a moment, part of me wanting to unbuckle it.
I felt his hand move over my own, he grasps my hands and moves them away from his lap. He places my hand on his shoulers allowing him to wrap his arms around my waist. He pulls me tight, flush against him.
"I will always tell you the truth. I regret lying to you. Will you forgive me?" He whispers delicately into my ear.
"Yes, of course." I whisper back against his year.
"I hate fighting with you," he says.
"You know what good comes from fighting?"
He chuckles. "There is none."
"No... theres makeup sex," I giggle.
I feel his hands grasp my hips tightly. I move my hips like grinding against him. I hear him groan lowly, pulling me closer to time. The sound of his voice, deep and lustful as he moans makes me grin.
I pull on his belt and shudder at the sound it makes. I stop moving his belt, the sound making me halt as the memories flood back.
"Look at me, baby. Come back to me," he whispers. I hear Mads's voice and pull myself back to reality.
"Let me go take it off in another room," he suggests. I shake my head.
"No, I-I-I can-" I stutter holding back the pain and tears.
"It's okay. Pushing yourself will not make it better. I can take it off in the library or... you can go in the library and I'll meet you in there."
I nod shakily. I stand up and turn away from him walking away making sure he didn't see my face, shamful of myself. The shame was unwaranted and I was still unsure as to why I felt it but nevertheless I continued moving foreward.
Mads came into the library with no belt in hand or around his slacks. He shut the door quietly and locked it hastily before stalking towards my position on the library nook.
"Are you okay?" He asks. I nod and stand meeting him halfway in yhe center of the library.
I reach down to my waist and grab the silk rope that latches my robe together. With a swift tug the rope lets go and I let it fall and pool to the floor. I look up to find Mads's eyes wide and hungry, staring at my breasts - which are hidden behind a bra - all the way to my legs. He licks his lips, and for a minute I think he is stalling not wanting to continue.
"Mads?" I ask hesitantly.
He mumbles something before closing his eyes tightly. He wants to allow himself to let go and take me the way he wants but he knows he has to form some sort of control.
"I'm worried..." he says reaching out, his fingertils graze down my arm.
"I think I need to calm down a little," he says as if trying to convince himself.
He takes a step back and begins to pace back and forth slowly.
"We don't have to do anything, we can just go to bed... Mads are you okay?"
He shakes his head. "I-I think we... I think we just need to stop here before I do something stupid. I can't lose control," he breathes out.
I take a step foreward, wanting to comfort him, hug him.
"You need to leave, Allison. I am not exactly... I-I'm not safe to be around right now."
I reach down and grab my robe and slowly walk out of the room. In the time it takes for me to walk from the library door to the first step on the staircase, I heard Mads angrily yelling tearing the library apart. The sound of glass breaking all the way to pages ripping can be heard.