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***
i sat alone in my apartment; it was dark, cold and felt empty- even though it was fully furnished with everything i had purchased to make this space feel as good as home; it didn't work though.
i inhaled deeply as my eyes gazed over the city; the tall buildings, bright lights and busy streets. new york is definitely the city that never sleeps. i adored it, i really did, but there was not a minute that passed by when i didn't miss beacon hills. after all, it was my home; it will forever be my home.
i heard shuffling at the front door and it opened. my roommate, kelly walked in, her eyes widening at the sight of me sitting by the window.
it was almost 4am and usually i would be asleep at this hour, but tonight, even after hours of trying, i couldn't bring myself to close my eyes and rest.
"didn't expect you to be up." she brought her hand up to her chest; i startled her.
i smiled at her, "yeah i can't fall asleep, i don't know why." i told her truthfully. before i knew it, she was next to me with her arms wrapped around me.
"missing home, huh?" she leaned her head against mine as we both looked at the buildings and lights ahead.
"yeah, i guess." i sighed. she sat up straight again rather quickly.
"hey, why don't you just go back home for the weekend? i mean, you haven't been in beacon hills for over six months... it won't hurt to visit even for a little while." she said. "fly back on monday. i'm sure missing one or two classes won't ruin your college career."
i remained quiet. of course i wanted to go back and see my family, my friends- heck! even my bedroom, i missed it so much. but i didn't think that going back would make me feel that much better.
whether i was here in new york or back home in beacon hills, i would still feel this emptiness. and that's because isaac wouldn't be there.
isaac had left for france four months before i left to come to new york. that's ten whole months since we've seen each other; ten months since we broke things off.
isaac had begged for us to give the whole 'long distance relationship' thing a chance, but i refused. i knew that it wouldn't work out; it never does!
video calls were not enough, i wanted to be able to hold him in my arms, and if i couldn't, then what was the point?
"hello, earth to y/n." kelly waved her hand in front of my eyes. i pulled myself back out of my pool of deep thoughts. "what are you thinking?"
"nothing, it's just- i don't think going back would make me feel that much better." i shrugged my shoulders. she furrowed her eyebrows.
"wait," she shifted into a different seating position, "is this about that boyfriend of yours? the french one?" she asked.
i giggled, "he's not french; isaac is very much american. he just moved to france with a friend."
"oh whatever! come on y/n! you're homesick, you have to go back to beacon hills. please do, i can't watch you be depressed all the damn time." she laughed a little and slapped my arm lightly.
i averted my eyes from the city, "okay."
***
"scott!" i almost cried; seeing my older brother again after six months filled me with joy.
"y/n!" he smiled, his arms opening wide to welcome me into a tight embrace, "you still look like a fourteen year old."
"shut up!" i laughed as i gave him a little push backwards. "where's mom?" i asked him while looking around in the hopes of seeing her.
"she's back home. she got a little busy, so she couldn't make it here."
"okay, well then let's go home!" i can't remember the last time i felt this excited.
driving in scott's car, looking out of the window at all of the surroundings brought back so many memories.
memories of high school; memories of friends; memories of isaac lahey.
i could feel my heart crack at the thought of the tall boy who i used to be so deeply in love with. the boy who i couldn't imagine a life without. the boy who i had spent almost a year without, so clearly i could live without him being around.
i closed my eyes, trying to get rid of the memory. i didn't want to think about isaac while i was here; i would only feel more broken than i did back in new york. i didn't want that, i wanted to enjoy being back home. after all, i was homesick- according to kelly.
"you alright, sis?" scott turned his head to face me. i nodded my head and smiled at him.
i was okay. i was alright. i was happy to be back home- i think.
***
i had only been home for nearly four hours. everything still felt the same; i was so happy about that.
it was getting darker outside. my mom couldn't stay for long before she had to leave again for work. i was alone at home with scott now.
i laid on my bed, my limbs spread apart as i stared at the ceiling. i had been this way for probably half an hour. now and then, scott would come and check up on me, asking me if i'm alright and if i needed anything. every time i had to remind him that if i did need something, i'd know where to find it and i had lived here my whole life, just like him. he would laugh, and then i would laugh too. but i always felt like i was faking every laugh and every smile.
i didn't understand. i was back home, i was far from new york, why did i still feel the same as i did the night i was alone in my apartment looking over the city? how could i still feel 'homesick' if i was back home? why did i still feel this emptiness inside?
i sighed loudly and turned my body to lay on my side. it was so comfortable, i fell asleep...
"y/n." somebody called my name. i could feel myself slowly waking up.
i groaned, feeling quite annoyed that scott would disturb my nap when he knew how exhausted i was.
"what do you want?" i mumbled, still not opening my eyes.
"wake up." he told me. now i was beyond annoyed.
"what the hell do yo-" i pushed myself up, but i nearly fell back down, "- isaac?" i gasped. i almost felt embarrassed for waking up in such a grumpy mood.
"hey." he smiled. he was kneeling beside the bed, looking at me intently, as if he had forgotten how i looked.
my heart did a back flip when he smiled, i could feel it. i quickly stood up from the bed and he stood up straight too. i must have forgotten how tall he actually was, because the sudden change in our height differences caused me to gulp.
"hi." i finally said back.
"how was new york?" he asked,
but at the exact same moment i had asked him, "how was france?"
we both looked away from each other rather awkwardly. then i replied, "new york was great. i'm going back on monday."
"oh, i'm glad. france is pretty cool... a bit cold, but nice." he buried his hands in his pockets.
"so i guess all of those scarves are coming in handy now." i teased him, and he laughed. i couldn't help but crack a small smile too.
an awkward since followed. it seemed to take forever even though it was only a few seconds until isaac spoke up again, "scott told me that you'd be here for the weekend. i couldn't not come and see you."
"okay." was all i managed to say to him. what else was i supposed to say? thank you? no, that didn't seem right.
"i missed you." he took a step closer towards me.
"i missed you too." i wasn't going to lie to him and say that i didn't. i missed him more than anything.
he took a few more steps nearer. "i don't know how to explain it, and it may sound cheesy as hell, but i didn't feel the same ever since i moved to france. being away from you didn't feel right y/n. i felt kinda- i don't know- uh-"
"empty." i finished his sentence for him. he slowly nodded his head. i knew that's how he felt, because that's how i felt too.
"yeah." he said, his voice was soft.
"i felt empty too. i thought it's because i missed home, but coming back didn't change anything really."
isaac didn't say anything, instead he pulled me into a hug. feeling his arms wrapped around me tightly gave me a feeling that i hadn't felt in forever.
it was almost as if the emptiness i was feeling had disappeared. i no longer felt it. i can't say that i felt whole again, but i did feel much better.
i wanted to stay like this, i wanted to stay here in isaac's arms. i didn't want to fly back to new york on monday afternoon, and i didn't want him to fly back to france.
i wanted us to stay here, in beacon hills; in each other's arms.
kelly was right; i was homesick. but i wasn't homesick for a place. i didn't miss beacon hills, and i didn't miss my house either. i was longing for a person.
i missed isaac. i missed him so much that i felt empty by not being with him. and i didn't feel that way anymore. now, i felt safe, i felt peacful, i felt happy, i finally felt at home again.