CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE.
REDEMPTION CALLS
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The breakfast before her was getting cold as she just stared at it, hunger not found inside her. She was looking at Cevira, who didn't seem as happy, across there at the Ravenclaw table, avoiding her eyes. Amandla wondered if the girl could feel her eyes burning into her skull or if she truly was oblivious to it. It was after Christmas, a holiday spent alone in utter silence as only Anastasia spoke to her, and they were only words of school and grades. She hoped that her gift would be enough for a word or two, but it seemed like Amandla was wrong.
She sighed in devastation, looking down at the sausage and eggs on her plate and the drink in her glass. She looked around at the other people at her table, they were all smiling and talking to each other and she felt so lonely. They had their friends who didn't leave them, had friends they kept no secrets from, and here she was keeping all these secrets even after the promise she made to Cevira.
Amandla didn't mean to break it. When she made that promise, which felt like forever ago, she fully intended on keeping it. Spoke the words I promise honestly and with all her heart, but life happened – family happened – and she had to break it. Draco needed her, and she couldn't say a thing. She couldn't. Cevira didn't need to know – she didn't need to drown. But Amandla would drown, she would drown and die again and again for Draco because he was family and he was worth it. She would drown for Cevira, Corey, Pansy...she would die for any of her friends, really.
Cevira broke out into a smile, looking at her brother as she was, for the first time that morning, included into the conversation. Even her eyes seemed to smile, throwing her head back as her mouth grew wider and she let out a mirthful noise that Amandla couldn't hear due to the distance between them.
The distance between them. It wasn't just physical, seeing her over there with her brother and his friends. Over there were she had been every day for months, every evening too. Over there were she had been in the common room of the Hufflepuff basement on the other side of the room and away from Amandla. She was over there on her bed at the beginning of the room, where she wasn't before, but she had traded with another of their roommates.
It was there even when they were beside each other. A friendship strained by lies and secrets, all from her, all because of her. It was there because Amandla was afraid to speak to her friend, afraid to say a word in case she was turned down again, be hurt even more. It was there because she found herself wanting to call out for Cevira before remembering, breath hitching in her throat as sobs clawed their way up before being forced down. It was there because she couldn't say a word about what was happening to her and that was all she wanted; to tell Cevira, to let her know. To not let another secret get between them, but she couldn't.
Cevira blinked, coming down from her high, bringing her hand to her mouth to cover up the large smile as her eyes, for a moment, drifted to Amandla, almost unconsciously. Almost as if she could feel the heated gaze that the Fitzgerald girl was giving her. And the smile faded as she just looked at her for a moment, and Amandla felt almost dread because she was so happy before the girl had seen her. And she couldn't blink, couldn't miss a second because Cevira was looking at her and she couldn't turn away.
But it was only for a moment, because Caesar had laid his arm on hers and looked at Cevira, talking to her, and she turned away. It was so quickly, which hurt, no lingering moment between them, almost as if she wanted to turn away from Amandla as quick as she could. She let out a shaky breath at that, looking down at her food and hating herself even more then. She was disgusting to look at, she was miserable. She hated life – she hated everything. Fuck, she wanted it to end.
But it didn't. Nothing ever ended because she was still there and she was still drowning, and fuck, nothing was ever going to end. Nothing was ever going to end. She was going to continue living and drowning and trying to save everyone else she loved who was drowning as well. Corey wasn't drowning – not anymore. He wasn't drowning, he was thriving, and he was getting better, he was mending everything he had broken. And Draco wouldn't drown, she wouldn't let him drown, even if that meant she had to. She would drown again and again for him and for everyone else.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Her eyes went up again, looking past the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw tables to the Slytherin table, landing on her beloved cousin who sported bags under his eyes from the exhaustion that had worn on him from everything. He was reading something, a letter, and dread was apparent on his face. Then he stood up and almost – almost – stormed out of the hall.
She didn't waste a second going after him. She tried to appear calm, keeping her eyes on Draco's retreating figure until she was out of the hall and he was in the closest bathroom, which she followed him into after making sure that no one was looking. His breaths were shallow, still holding that damn letter, and he looked like the shell of the boy he used to be. The boy he was last year.
"Draco...are you alright?" she called after him, letting out that stupid fucking question.
"I'm dead. I'm dead! I'm fucking dead if I don't...I should be done already but I'm not and now..." he looked down from the mirror, trying not to cry.
Her lips parted as sadness pooled into her eyes and she looked down at the letter. Hesitantly, she moved forward to Draco and to the letter, reaching out for it as he let it go so easily and she took it in her own hands, eyes skidding over every word until she looked back up at him, "Oh, Draco..."
"If I could've just killed him already maybe they would be quieter. If I hadn't failed..."
"It's better that the locket failed! You almost killed that girl!" Amandla tried to sway him.
He only shook his head, "Not just that...someone else almost died because of me, Amandla. I'm practically already a killer."
Sweet dread pooled in her stomach as she heard that; someone else. It didn't have to mean anything, she told herself. It didn't have to mean shit because she could've missed someone that day...maybe it was Hagrid or Harry...or her. Those words didn't have to mean anything. But it did. Even if didn't have to, it did. It meant something because it could mean everything and everything meant there was another attempt and she didn't want it to mean that.
"What – what do you mean by that?" Amandla asked in a shaky voice, stepping back, "What – someone else?"
The letter fell from her grasp and onto the floor, but Amandla didn't register it. Someone else, someone else, someone else. Draco snarled and slapped his hands down onto the sink, "I had another plan! I had another plan!" He squeezed his eyes shut, calming down and trying again, "I had another plan that would be calmer. I was going to poison him through Professor Slughorn, but that didn't work either."
"Did he..." she was afraid to ask, and a little part would admit she was afraid of her own cousin, "Did he, was he the one who almost died?" Draco stayed silent. "Draco, did you almost murder Professor Slughorn?"
That time, it was much firmer, more demanding. She had to know the truth – she had to know everything he had done in her absence. There here cousin was; drowning and killing – or trying to kill was a better description. And she had to know what he had done.
"No," Draco breathed after a long absence, giving Amandla her answer. She sighed in relief, which was gone as he continued to speak, "I poisoned Ron Weasley."
Amandla hated how a small portion of herself, the greedy and selfish part that wanted Hermione for herself, was happy at that. Happy that he almost died and she could swoop in and save Hermione Granger, help her. But she wasn't happy at the same time, she felt so much guilt because maybe that could've been avoided if she betrayed her cousin and spoke up about everything that was happening. If...
"Is he – did he...did he die?" she knew he hadn't, but in the shock of everything, the question flew out.
Draco shook his head, "Harry saved him. He went into a coma for a while but now he's completely fine. Just single."
She looked away, liking her lips to wet them as she that small ray of sadness fell inside her. He was single and that meant he could be with Hermione now. As if she hadn't already lost the girl.
"And now...and now they're going to kill me after they kill my parents and make me watch. We're all going to die because I can't kill Dumbledore myself and I can't fix the fucking cabinet quick enough," Draco finished with a bitter laugh.
"You're not going to die."
It was delusional, sure, but she couldn't imagine a word where he was dead. Not so young, anyway. He had so much to see and do, he deserved so much and he might not get anything if they kill him. She didn't want him to die, he couldn't.
"Of course I'm going to die," Draco said, "If not now, later. There's a war coming that I won't survive, so why fight it? Why pretend there's a future where I'm sitting on a porch watching my grandchild as my partner brings me a cuppa tea? It's not going to happen."
"Yes it will," Amandla insisted, "You'll survive and that future will happen and it will be beautiful."
He shook his head, "No, Amandla, you'll survive. I'm going to die."
She wished differently. She would gladly die if it meant he would live and that great future would be his and he would be happy because all she wanted was for him to be happy – for everyone else to be happy, even if she wasn't. But she couldn't secure that, she didn't have the power, even if she wanted it so badly.
"You're going to live, Draco, I won't let you die," Amandla repeated, "You're going to fix that cabinet or you're going to run."
"And what about killing Dumbledore, huh? I can't very well fix the fucking cabinet, invite them all to Hogwarts, and not kill him," Draco said to her.
"You aren't a killer, Draco."
"But I am – I've almost killed two people now when I'm only trying to kill one."
"You don't have to be," she changed the sentence. He wasn't a killer and he didn't have to be, no matter what he believed.
"Amandla, look at our family and look at us. You're free and I'm not. My parents are killers, my aunt is a killer, and my house is filled with killers. I can't escape them, I'm going to become one of them. There's no fighting it," he told her.
"My parents were killers too, probably. But I'm not and I will never be, you don't have to kill either. You still have a chance to run," Amandla tried again.
"I can't, Amandla, I can't."
Draco was going to drown, she knew that. She also knew that there was no she could to stop it; she couldn't save him anymore.
―
Amandla returned to the Hufflepuff basement earlier than usual that night. No trip to the kitchens, no finding herself with Pansy and under the sheets, just alone as she went to her room only to find Cevira, who looked as if she was preparing to leave.
The Stature girl was at the mirror brushing her hair as she saw Amandla enter the room, straightening immediately. "You're here early," she commented, speaking the first words to her since she told Amandla she needed space.
Blinking, Amandla almost didn't even register that Cevira was speaking to her. After months of not hearing a word, it was weird to have that voice directed towards her. So, she replied as anyone would; in a dumb tone, "Uh – hi?"
Cevira only gave a warm smile as she looked at her (could they even still be classified as friends?), "Hello to you, too. I usually see you here later, like midnight. What's changed?"
Setting her items from the school day down on her bed, Amandla looked back up at Cevira, still feeling quite odd that she was engaging in a conversation with her. "Uh, just wanted to focus on schoolwork, really."
Continuing to brush her hair, Cevira nodded, "I usually do mine when I'm with Caesar. It only takes them about half an hour to finish it all while I'm still on Transfiguration." Amandla cracked a smile, knowing her teasing tone from anywhere.
"What else do you do?" even though there had been such a distance between them and they hadn't spoken in literal months, Amandla found it easy to continue a conversation with the girl.
"Oh, they usually complain about everything or talk about new things they learned. I also found out that Gregg Coleman has the biggest obsession with Batman and DC Comics in general and he always references superheroes."
"I would've never pegged him as a comic nerd, always thought that was Peter," Amandla added.
"Me too," Cevira smiled, "But no, it's Gregg. Peter just gets annoyed when someone says 'Parker' or anything. It's actually quite funny." She placed the hairbrush down and straightened her outfit, "Gregg's actually loaned me some of his comics and they aren't that bad. Not as good as regular novels, but something good just to pass some time."
Amandla nodded, looking down at her own neglected schoolwork and the chart that she had received from Divination. She was going to have so much fun filling that out. "Anything else?"
"Sometimes we go out to the Astronomy tower and watch the stars. No one knows shit about it, but it's nice just to watch. Calming. I like those nights, always so quiet. They're all excessive talkers, you know," Cevira looked out their own window as she said that.
"Never knew you had a knack from astrology," Amandla almost frowned at that.
"I don't, not really. Not interested in learning shit about them, just like looking. It's easier than talking to them. They don't really try to include me, Caesar always has to do that, and it's not like I'm really interested in anything they have to say. I mean, they don't even like Star Wars, Amandla. And how doesn't like Star Wars?" Cevira asked.
"Crazy people, like Corey."
"Oh, you know that he doesn't hate Star Wars, he just likes other movies more, which is fine. I respect that – but these people have the audacity to say that it sucks arse, Amandla!"
"Oh, the horror!" Amandla added with a smile, loving the simplicity of the conversation.
"It is. Really. I can't believe them and I can't believe that Gregg doesn't even like talking to the paintings here, even with all their stories. He's so rude to them and Peter always backs him up. Caesar did too, but he's really starting to change and it's so nice. I missed him so much. And now he's here and he's trying and it's really nice."
"That's great, I'm glad that he's trying. But tell me, why do you hang out with them if you hate talking to them."
"It's better than being alone."
Now that caused Amandla to frown, bringing her back into the reality that she everything wasn't just dandy between them and there still was this distance and this was their first conversation in so many months.
"Cevira..." she was hesitant to ask, wanting this carefree thing to continue, "Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry or anything, but why are you talking to me?"
She frowned as well, as if she wanted to forget that question and everything that had happened between them. "I saw your present from Christmas," was all she said.
"Oh."
"It was very nice, I've been using the quills since we got back," Cevira continued, "I love it and I wanted to tell you that when I first saw them but I didn't because I was scared you would turn away like I did with you."
"I would never," Amandla quickly said, "I understand why you needed space, I could never be angry with you."
"Still, I can't help but feel as if I left you at this fragile time when you needed me most. I regretted my decision the moment I made it, but I was too scared to ask for your forgiveness, so I didn't. Can you forgive me?"
"There's nothing to forgive, you did nothing wrong," Amandla eased her worries, "Now come here and give me a hug, I've miss you."
Cevira smiled brightly, practically bouncing over to the girl and embracing her in a tight, loving hug. It had been too long.
"I missed you too," Cevira murmured as they let go of each other, "And I got something for you too – for Christmas, which I never gave to you."
She went over to her bed, lowering herself before bringing out something and handing it to Amandla, "Merry belated Christmas."
She looked down to see those socks from months ago with the black cats. She remembered asking Cevira cats or owls? and getting owls in response. Now, here they were, just for her. "You remembered..."
"Of course I remembered," Cevira smiled, "I went back the next Hogsmeade trip and bought them for you, knew how much you wanted them. Been waiting so long to give them to you."
Amandla looked back up at her with such joy in her eyes as she realized just how much she missed this, how much she missed her friend. "Thank you," and she brought Cevira back into a hug.
The Stature girl chuckled, returning the hug, "No problem."
Once she let go, Amandla said, "Merry belated Christmas, Cevira."
"Merry belated Christmas, Amandla."
hi yes I really missed cevira and im so happy my girls are back together. also this is officially the longest book i have written so congrats to me.