The roof became our place. Most nights we would sit up there and just wait for the other to arrive. On rainy nights we'd just look sadly out our windows and text. We became almost inseparable, and as each day passed I became more and more curious about Eli's past. Every time we talked he was careful to avoid the subject.
"Eli?" We were sitting on the roof. It was pretty late, but I loved being in Eli's presence
"Yeah?" He spoke softly, not because he was afraid of being caught, but because of the serene silence of the night
"What happened to you?" I asked turning my head so I could see him, "Was it your family? Is that why you won't tell me about them?" Eli took a deep breath, steadying himself.
"My past...." He started, "It's complicated." He pursed his lips and tried to find words to continue.
"That's bullshit and you know it!" I snapped at him, breaking the silence of the night, "You know that I care about you more that I care about you more than anyone else. Don't I deserve to know who you are? Don't I deserve to know who you are? Don't I deserve to know why you're suffering? You don't deserve this pain?" Eli's eyes widened in shock before quickly turning to pain and sorrow, "Hey," I put my hand on his shoulder, "I'm not mad at you. I just don't like seeing the pain in your eyes." He smiled dejectedly and sighed loudly.
"I... I had a sister," Eli's voice was flat as if he was trying to hide his pain, "Her name was Jessica and as we were orphans she meant everything and more to me, but we didn't have the money to survive. She was stick thin and yet she was always so happy." His voice cracked as his memories resurfaced, "I started to try to find ways to earn money, bad ways. I did horrible things, but it let Jessica have a normal life. She of course didn't know that anything was happening. I didn't want her to know."
"If you don't mind me asking," I interrupted him out of curiousity, "How did you make money? What did you do?" Eli's mouth became thin line at that comment. Clearly he didn't want me to know.
"I... We... " He stuttered trying to force words to come, "I did dirty work for gangs," He dropped his head in shame, "It was hard, but it let Jessica have a life, friends. I had enough money to rent us an apartment. Jessica could have friends over and I could buy them food, movies, toys. It really changed how Jessica saw life. Instead of being sad and lonely on the inside she felt real joy."
"A-a-a g-gang?" As sweet and touching as his story was fear crept into my heart.
"Yes," He said solemnly, "But I will never make that mistake again." His voice cracked and pain showed through.
"W-what happened to y-you?" Even if fear was controlling my mind nothing could control my heart and above all I loved him.
"Jessica," He said her name with so much pain that it almost brought me to tears, "The gangs found out about her and thought she might be a conflict of interest. They caught her and some of her friends. They taunted me with a note saying I could save them, but in the last moments she was slaughtered in front of my eyes." His eyes widened as if the images were playing in front of his eyes. "I couldn't save her." He trailed off and looked back up to the sky. A kind of empty peace came to eyes, but I couldn't convince myself to hug him. He and I both had our monsters.
"I.... I can't imagine what you must have seen." I tried to bring comfort but my memories of my parents haunted me, "If it makes you feel better I've probably seen worse." I stared off into the distance thinking of the things that I saw my parents do. The screams I heard from our basement. The smell of blood all over the house.
"I can only imagine," Eli spoke softly so I wasn't sure if I heard him right.
"What?" I hadn't told him about my past. I hadn't told anyone the extent of pain I had been put through.
"I uh meant," Eli stammered, "I can't picture what pain you've seen if it's worse then mine. You must have felt as if your world was falling apart, or maybe you were sadly resigned, believing this is the way you were meant to live life. Our pain the fuel us to do actions in the future good or bad. That's what scares me. That maybe I'm doing something bad because my sister died. That because of my pain I try to live a life without it, but I life without pain is simply not a life at all, because when you life without pain you also live without joy. You become cold, cruel, and lost. Nothing matters anymore, but the one goal you decided you have to complete. Your life becomes nothing." Eli looked at me then, and for the first time I believe I could see into his soul. I saw fear, confusion, but mostly the dark empty night.