(Happy New Year! Okay, there are a lot of voicemails. Please bear with me during all of those. They are imperative though. I had a lot of fun writing them actually. This is the penultimate chapter! Can you believe it? Warning: this is quite a long chapter, hopefully it does not get boring!)
I WAS HEARTBROKEN.
It felt as if my heart had turned into glass the moment I told Diego I loved him. Admitting those feelings made me somewhat transparent, but also vulnerable. When Diego completely shut me down, the glass that was my heart shattered into millions of tiny sharp shards. Each shard seemed to tear at my insides bringing unbearable pain.
I was humiliated.
I had given myself over to Diego. I had told him that I loved him. Deep down I knew that I could not expect him to say he loved me back, but I never expected that. The coldness that he showed me came out of nowhere and hurt like more than anything I have ever experienced.
I was fragile.
Francesca and Leon made sure to never say his name during the last two weeks knowing that if they did I would burst into tears. Because it still pained me. His icy voice clouded my thoughts, freezing me as if I was outside in snow in a swimsuit.
I was regretful.
I never should have allowed myself to get close to him. I never should have allowed the physical attraction I felt towards him turn into this undeniable feeling called love. I never should have believed him when he told me that he cared about me because all it brought was unnecessary misery.
I was lonely.
Not physically, Francesca and Leon tried their best to ensure that I was never left alone long enough to cry. And Maya was great company, she was extremely energetic and would only take a break if she passed out. But I felt lonely, I missed his presence. I missed rolling my eyes at him and seeing his smile that I grown to love.
I was depressed.
I hated to admit it but I was dejected. Everything that Diego had told me seemed to stick. Maybe I was not only worthless to him but I was generally meaningless. Maybe I was stupid to think that he would ever love me.
I was furious.
The fact that I loved him made me his puppet. He controlled me and I believed everything that he told me. I let him tell me that I was nothing. How could I let one person dictate my life that way?
I felt all of that, but there was one thoughts that seemed to ring in my head constantly, repeatedly reminding me of everything he said two weeks ago.
I am heartbroken.
"CESCA, WE HAVE to have some kind of intervention,"
They were right outside the door, whispering fairly loudly. My friends had never been quiet people and they found it near impossible to actually keep their voices down. They naturally drew people's attention to them by their loud voices and bubbly personalities.
I was sitting against the door with my knees pulled against my chest. Maya was on the bed sleeping, her light snores were somewhat calming. We were in my designated room in their apartment. When they were looking around they made sure that there were at least two bedrooms so that I would know that there would always be place for me when I needed it.
And to say I needed it now would be an understatement.
I couldn't go to my parents because they would just ask questions that I would be unable to answer without telling them that I loved Diego. They would have kicked me out either way. They would have found it stupid that I needed to hide out there when I had a perfectly good place to go back to, besides, we slept in different rooms, different beds, so there was no reason for me not to be there.
And if I told them that I could not possibly return because I had fallen for him and he had rejected me, they would disown me. It would just make me an ever worse daughter in their mind. Not only had I not gone to college but I had forgotten all of my morals and lost all of my common sense.
I tune back into the conversation outside as I hear Francesca begin to speak.
"Okay I agree that she needs some help but we also need to give her time. I don't want to push her. We pushed her before and then this happened," Francesca replies.
"It is our fault isn't it? I have been thinking about it for quite a while but I didn't want to admit it. We are pretty horrible friends for making her do something like that. We should have been able to tell that he would need some time to admit his feelings. We should have let Camila and Marco coax him into coming to terms with all of this," Leon tells her.
"So you are also still convinced that he loves her. I know that now would not be the best time to tell her that he lied to her face, rudely, yes, but still lied," Francesca says and her voice seems to quieten.
There was silence and I took that as my cue to step in. I stood up and opened the door, startling them. They stuttered as they tried to find an excuse as to why they were standing outside the door. Their first attempt was that they were there to give me food but they soon realised that they weren't carrying anything.
"You know, I am becoming a burden I can just go to a hotel," I tell them and their embarrassment vanishes immediately.
"Are you kidding? You could never be a burden V, you should know that by now," Leon says, putting a hand on my shoulder.
I don't say anything and just pull them into a hug. They laugh as they hug me back. I hadn't even noticed that I had begun to cry until they told me that everything is going to be okay and there was no need to cry.
"I think you should get some sleep," Francesca points out.
I knew that my eyes were probably red and surrounded by dark circles. Today, I never even bothered with trying to cover it up. I guess after fourteen days I lost the reason to do it. It is not like the makeup was covering up my hurt, especially not with Francesca and Leon.
But I couldn't sleep.
I didn't even know Diego for that long and it certainly wasn't love at first. BUt it was the small things that he did that made me see the person he was behind the billionaire-playboy reputation. It was those things that made me realise he was probably one of the most caring people in my life.
It had been thirteen nights without him and each night I lay in bed with Maya by my side, staring at the ceiling. His voicemails would be on repeat and I would just listen, frozen on my bed. He had a schedule that he seemed to follow except for the first day that I left, he just sent me text messages apologising.
But he still gave me space, something I never did.
However, from the next day after not receiving any replies from me he started with the calls that went to voicemail. He would call me at nine o'clock in the morning first and then three o'clock in the afternoon and finally ten o'clock in the night.
I agree with Francesca and she and Leon walk away, sparing me a last glance before entering their room. I got into the bed and under the comforter. I grabbed my phone and started to play all the messages, this time with earphones to not wake Maya up or let Francesca and Leon know that I was not sleeping.
Day 1.
"Hey. So, you didn't answer any of messages and I guess I can understand that but you read them and you're just ignoring me. I know I kinda deserve it but I would really like to expl–" beep.
"I was cut off. But um, here I am again. I really want to talk to you, and whatever way is fine. YOu can even send me a text message, just anything to say that everything is not totally lo–" beep.
"Okay, I know this is the third message today. And I sound pretty flustered which is not exactly common for me. And you know that, so, maybe this is an indication of how much I hate this. So plea–" beep.
Day 2.
"How does a schedule sound? I mean, if you need a lot of time you will at least know when I am calling. I missed you again last night, this is honestly pretty shit. I really need to talk to you, I just need to hear your voi—" beep.
"I can't say I've run out of things to say, but I am losing my words. Maybe it is just the fact that you are not here and I am left to wonder our fate. Not being with you just creates this darkness that looms over me no matt—" beep.
"I know that every single message I've sent you, my last sentence was cut off. But I can't continue it, I guess I need a break after each message because it takes a lot of me. I have to try—ugh, my time's up,"
Day 3.
"Morning. I feel like these are becoming very casual but I guess this is as close I am going to get to talking to you for the time being. I may as well make the most of it. Are you even listening to this? Can you give me any sign?"
"Well, a few hours have passed and there is still no call or text. Maybe that's my sign, you are listening but you are still angry with me – which I respect – but then again, this may just be my way too hopeful thinking,"
"I realised I haven't said that I am sorry or that I missed you yet today. I mean, I suppose I cannot assume that all of my pain just comes through my voice. So in case it does not, I miss you. And I am so unbelievably sorry. I think I've gotten better at my tim—" beep.
Day 4.
"So, I have not actually perfected timing. I guess I will have plenty of time to practise until you finally return any of my calls or send me a message. But it is okay because I am not giving up. I will never give up,"
"I stopped by Francesca and Leon's place. They have no idea where you are, they didn't even know what happened. Which I suppose at this point is a bit of a good thing or else they never would have let me in. But if you are not with them; where are you?"
"Marco cannot even find you. He kinda has nothing to go off of as well. No calls between us, no texts, no card payments, not even security cameras can find you. I may go back to your friends tomorrow, but I don't think they'd lie. Or would they?"
Day 5.
"Darling, I feel like this is becoming more of my diary. But I realised that without even knowing it, you actually helped me a lot. This has kind of become my coping mechanism. Deep down I feel like I am speaking to you and it keeps me alive,"
"Francesca and Leon are definitely not lying. They let me into their living room and I didn't see any signs of Maya. Dogs usually leave a trail, there's always hair somewhere. But nothing. I don't know what to do, how to find you. I guess you really don't want to be found,"
"Colleagues are beginning to notice that something is up. It is actually quite funny how this seems to affect me in every way that even people that barely know me can notice that something is off. If they knew you, however, they would expect me to be worse because what I did was horrific,"
Day 6.
"I got a collar for Maya today. I think it is the hope again, it has come back and I'm letting it control me again. Stupidly possibly. It's hopeful because I cannot be sure that I am ever going to see you or Maya again. It's a pretty collar, I would explain it but I hope that you and her get to see it in person,"
"I cannot tell whether this hope is a good thing or a bad thing. The old me probably would have given up by now, hell, he would have given up the moment you walked out of the door. But here I am, what does that mean?"
"Camila and Marco came over. They are shocked that I haven't shut them out yet, I think I am as well. They told me to hold onto that hope because you are not the kind of person to just up and leave and never look back. Marco seemed the most convinced, but he always had the best heart."
Day 7.
"I have been wondering whether it was fate or luck that brought us together. I know that now I sound sappy, but here I am all alone sitting...in your room. It is still filled with your scent, I think that's why I spend so much time here. The room is you. And that's all I want and need,"
"So, fate or luck? I think it was fate that I was put in a relationship with somebody. It was going to happen sooner or later, we had talked about me becoming CEO for ages; I just needed the right reputation. But it was luck that it somehow ended up being you. I had never been so lucky,"
"Speaking of luck, maybe you think it is just your bad luck that you were stuck with me. I am sorry about that on top of everything else that I am currently apologising for. It has been even days since I have heard from you. I just said it out loud. It suddenly seems scarier. Please, answer me."
Day 8.
"It's been a week. I think if anybody knew that I was doing this they would think I was stupid. That I am stupid to think you will ever come back to me after everything I have done to you. And not just our last conversation, but everything. They would also say I deserve an even worse punishment. Maybe I do,"
"Hey. Well, how are you? I haven't asked that in a while, quite rude of me. I finished eating the biscuits today, they are really good by the way. Too bad you were not here to taste them. I will probably need to hit the gym to work all of it off. It is a good distraction, blasting music in my ear makes me forget,"
"I've grown pretty damn desperate. I ran into Paccini in the gym and I asked him if he knew where you were. He didn't, instead, he just bombarded me with questions about your wellbeing. As if I didn't care about how you are, where you are. I've only been searching for you every minute of everyday. I care."
Day 9.
"I am in your room again. Don't worry, I haven't touched anything. Your towel is still thrown on your bed, your cosmetics are scattered on your dressing table, your cupboards are wide open and shoes are all over. It's exactly where you left it, waiting for you to come back,"
"My work has been slipping, I put Federico in charge for the time being. I do a little from home, just work on accounts that I cannot give him access to. But it is pretty impossible to do anything with this gaping hole in me that only you can fill,"
"I hope you didn't change your number...because that would quite a problem. You wouldn't be getting these messages, you wouldn't be hearing how much I miss you. How much I think of you. How much I regret what I've done. How much I hate myself for this. I am scared."
Day 10.
"I watched one of your favourite movies last night: Mulan. I thought of you the entire time, which has started to become normal for me. You are just as strong as her, you know, you have this fire in you that always drew my attention. You have always been fierce. You are a fighter, and right now I wish I was,"
"I know that you always clean your bookshelf once a week to make sure it doesn't collect dust. I hope you don't mind that I did it this week. I just wanted to make sure that when you came back they were not too dusty,"
"I realise I tend to say when you come back instead of if you come back. Marco and Camila don't say it but they don't seem convinced anymore. I guess I should be the same, I shouldn't get my hopes up. It will only leave me disappointed. But I can't help it. You are coming back aren't you?"
Day 11.
"It is quite odd, this feeling. It is always there and it causes emotional and physical pain. It's weird. I have never felt it before and there aren't even words to explain it. But it is there, and I have a hunch that only you can make it go away,"
"I now spend most of time outside of the penthouse. I can't stay there. It used to bring me closer to you but now it just reminds me of how vacant it is, It doesn't feel like a home without you and without a home I am truly lost,"
"I wonder if you are happy. I'm here, breaking into a million pieces but you might be out there enjoying yourself. Maybe I have been keeping you from doing the things you love. By the way, I realised what that feeling is. I know why it is unfamiliar, it's because it's never happened to me before. Heartbreak."
Day 12.
"Everything seems pointless without you. Life has just lost its meaning, happiness doesn't exist. What is happiness if you don't have anybody to share it with? I took your presence for granted and it is probably my biggest mistake ever,"
"I don't sleep anymore. Whenever I close my eyes, I see images of you. You in all of your effortless beauty, you happy with me. So it is better if I just lie awake at night, staring at the ceiling. Sometimes I imagine your presence next to me, I think that is when I eventually drift to sleep. But I don't dream,"
"I also don't eat. Eating really just keeps you alive. Marco and Camila come over everyday though, and they make me eat something. I eat a little, to keep them happy. But I like the hunger that gnaws at me. It takes away the feeling of heartbreak that otherwise devours me,"
Day 13.
"I miss you a lot. I just want to hear from you. Even if you just send me another message. I would prefer a call, so that I can hear your angelic voice again. But I know that beggars cannot be choosers. So I will take whatever you give. I just need something. Please,"
"I don't know how much longer I can do this: live without you. Each day gets harder and the reality of you never coming back gets clearer. Please tell me it is not true. Please tell me that you will come back to me. I need you,"
"I can't do this anymore. I can't even breathe without you, I am suffocating in open areas. I don't know what do without you. I can't carry on thinking that everything is fine. Everything clearly isn't. I am sorry, Letta. I am. I can't live without you Letta."
That was it. Today was actually the first day he hadn't left a voicemail. It was after three o'clock and he still hadn't called me.
Maybe he had given up.
If only I had sent him a message. If only I told him not to give up. That I still loved him and that there was nothing that could change that.
But he grew tired of waiting for somebody he thought would never come back. He has probably already moved on. The thought made me shudder in fear. I may have lost him.
It's selfish of me. I want him to call me three times a day every single day. I wanted him to wait for me forever. I wanted him to put his life on a halt for me. I didn't even bother to send him one message, at least one that would have told him to stop because it was over. Because I didn't want him to stop.
I wanted him to spend all of his time thinking about me because that was what I did. I wanted him to feel the same heartbreak as me. I wanted him to hurt and I had pushed my luck.
I sigh as I pull my earphones out. I switch my phone off and put it on the side table. I felt everything he felt. The voicemails brought me the same kind of comfort it seemed to bring him, it made me think we were close.
His thoughts were so clear. He has never spoken to me like that and I liked it. It all seemed so raw, so personal. I loved this side of him and he hardly ever showed it. I got thirteen days full of it. Thirteen days of his raspy voice speaking to me.
I felt it again, the longing.
I missed him.
I SLEPT FOR half an hour when my phone rang.
Hope suddenly filled me and I checked the Caller ID. My heart sank to my knees as I saw that Marco was calling me. Grudgingly I answer the call.
"Hi," I say and I hear Camila swear.
"Fuck,"
"You're alive," Marco says and I could hear the disbelief in his voice.
"Barely," I croak.
"Listen, we need your help. I know this is probably the last thing you want to do but if you care about him even a little bit then you will do this," Camila says and I already dreaded what they were about to ask me.
"So we called him half an hour ago and he didn't answer. Obviously, we got very worried so we went over. We have been here for five minutes and we have only heard banging and the sound of things breaking. He won't let us in and we don't have keys. We need you Violetta," Marco explains.
"I can't," I say softly.
"Violetta please. Only you can help him right now, he loves you. He may not have said it but he does. He was just scared of breaking your heart or getting his heart broken. He misses you. He doesn't know what to do without you," Camila pleads. I could hear the trepidation in her voice.
"Shit," Marco says.
"What happened?" I ask, the pitch of my voice heightening with worry.
"Everything stopped but he is still not answering," Marco explains.
Camila lets out a string of curse words. They begin to bang on the door while screaming at the top of their lungs.
"I'll be there in five," I say as I cut the call.
Francesca and Leon didn't stop me as I told them I was going to Diego. As I closed the door I saw them high-five.
Using Francesca's car, I drove at full speed to the building. The roads were surprisingly quiet and I took full advantage of that as I ran a few red lights.
Please be okay Diego.
I repeated this in my head as I ran into the building four minutes later. I pressed the button for the elevator about a hundred times before the door finally opened. My entire body was shaking as I waited for the elevator to reach the floor.
There was something about Marco's voice that made me even more worried. This explained why he didn't call me today. He had finally reached his breaking point.
And if anything happened to him it would be all my fault.
I finally reached the door and Camila and Marco were still standing outside. They breathed in relief when they saw me. I quickly unlocked the door and gasped at the sight.
Everything was either overturned or broken. Fractured glass littered the floor, all of different colours. Everything that he could break, he broke. He even managed to turn the couches upside down. The TV screen had a hole in the middle as if he had hit it with something.
"Violetta?" Camila says questioningly behind me.
"It's fine. I got this," I say with a lump in my throat.
I carefully tread through the living room. He must be upstairs. As I walked up the stairs, I noticed the beer bottles that were left broken on the steps. I reached the top and noticed that one bottle had a bit of blood on it.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
I stopped worrying that I might cut myself and ran down the hallway. I checked his room first and found it empty, other than the clothes strewn all over and the torn curtains. Surprisingly the guitar was still intact. I slowly, hesitantly, walk to my room.
There were the most bottles in here. My guilt continued to climb up as I entered the room. He had a problem with alcohol and because of me he had relapsed yet again. He also had clear anger problems. His strength suddenly made sense. I never realised the damage he could do, and this ruin was all my fault.
I walk to the other side of the bed and I scream. The tears that I had been struggling to control were set free and they streamed down my face like a waterfall.
"Diego," I whisper, my voice shaking.
He was unconscious next to my bed, his back against the floor. He was surrounded by bottles, and there was one still clasped in his hand. My sobs were uncontrollable as I collapsed to the ground next to him. Camila and Marco ran into the room and gasped at the sight.
Camila walked to his body as pressed two fingers to his neck. A few tears of relief rolled down her cheek. He was still breathing.
It didn't stop me from continuing to cry.
Marco had called the ambulance and Camila had joined him. She was crying into his chest and he rubbed her back soothingly, trying to be brave but the fear was clear on his face.
"Diego, please don't leave me," I whisper in between sobs.
"I love you,"
And this is officially the longest chapter I have ever written. 4524 words. This is crazy. At first I thought I would never even reach 2k, but I well surpassed that obviously. It was the voicemails, I didn't expect them to be that long but they were all very important.
Sooo, the ending? What do you think will happen in the next chapter? Will he survive?
This happened because Diego does have anger issues and an alcohol problem. And he thought he lost her for good and the idea of it was unbearable for him. He cares about her way too much to live without her. She means that much to him.
He genuinely does not believe he can live without her. So he lashes out on everything, he breaks everything. It is his only coping mechanism at this point. He is one of this people that when he cares about something/somebody he really cares. It just consumes his entire being. It's one of the reasons why I love him. He is so passionate about things that he would give up his life for it.
And in this case it is Violetta.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I hope the above explanation pretty much encapsulates the ending. It is an important character trait for him. I kinda need that to explain why he did all of this and eventually drank himself to unconsciousness.
I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Get ready for the next chapter! The last chapter!!! Can't believe it!
And...I did it! I updated for New Years!!! I sincerely hope that you all have a wonderful night and manage to stay up past midnight to celebrate! I hope that whatever you do is beautiful and that is it is a brilliant start to 2018. I want to thank you all for sticking with me through this year and all of my infrequent updates and long authors notes like this. I hope that 2018 is a successful year for all of you and I am happy that I get to start my year with you. Thank you! I love you all!
Thanks for reading 🙈 Sorry for any errors 💚
~Lexy 😈