Another chapter for all of you, lovely readers. As always, I hope you enjoy :)
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Jungkook didn't know where he was running to, he just needed to get away. The cold air was hitting his face, street lights bouncing in his vision as he was forcing his leg muscles to run faster and faster. He stopped only after finding a street void of any people. Finally...He bent over, bracing his arms on his knees, gasping for air.
He didn't look back, he couldn't. He didn't want to see Taehyung's face, his heart wouldn't be able to take it. My heart... He placed his hand on his chest, feeling the fast beating. It hurts so bad...He straightened up and looked around, not recognizing the city part he was in.
He didn't care about that, he put his hands in his pockets and started walking. Walking seemed to occupy his mind, just enough.
Did it rain? Only now he noticed small puddles of water on the ground. Where do I go now? It doesn't matter...somewhere, I need to keep walking...I need to do something. He started revising Japanese, walking through the Seoul streets, without having a clue where he was.
He made sure to walk over every puddle, the clear splashing sound was somehow calming his soul. Rain washes everything away...maybe even worries... He tastes like rain... no, I need to stop thinking about him.
The lights of a convenience store he had just passed reflected on the wet sidewalk, making it all too inviting. He reached out to the back pocket of his jeans to check his wallet. He had more than enough. Walking along the shelves stacked with bottles, he found the one he was looking for, soju. The coins clincked and the small bottle of soju found its place iside his jacket.
It's getting cold...He regretted not taking gloves with him. His hands were so warm...What am I saying? I don't need him, to warm me up...He sighed, reached for the bottle and took a large gulp of the strong liquor. It burned, but he could feel its heat spreading inside him.
What a week this has been...I should be glad it's over...One week...it doesn't mean anything, it's such a small part of my life...One month, I can easily forget about him...and I will. I wouldn't be able to live like that anyway, constantly hiding something. After hearing those nasty words today...I would only bring shame to my family.
What if those guys were from my school? What if they recognized me? And rumors will start to spread...I have to make sure, that I don't stand out...nobody pays any attention to me anyway, but just in case... Do people know about him? How he is? What he is? His parents know...some friends of his know...Maybe it gets easier, when just fee people around are okay with it, people who matter. The opinion of the others, is irrelevant...maybe.
He realized, that despite trying to focus on difficult Japanese words, or the sound of his shoes on the rain soaked ground, or all the pretty lights of the city, he couldn't stop his thoughts. I can close my eyes, I don't see...put hands over my ears, I don't hear...I can numb all of my senses, it's so easy...But, I can't silence my mind...my worst enemy. He looked at the bottle in his hands with so much hope. You better work. He gulped down more than half of its content.
His mindless walking brought him all the way to the Mapo Bridge.
Occasionally taking a swig from the rest of bottle, he chose to walk across the bridge. The effects of soju have already kicked in, he felt tipsy, but warmed up. No cars were passing over the bridge, no strangers crossing it either. It was just him and a large mass of water in the Han River below the bridge. It was strangely quiet, he couldn't hear the booming of the city, just soft ripples of the river, his own breathing and occasional clinks, which his ring made in contact with the glass bottle. He turned the soju upside down to get out the last few drops, feeling quite drunk. He put the empty bottle back into his pocket and continued walking slowly to the other side of the river.
I wonder...did he try to run after me? Or did he stay still, realizing that it's for the best? Maybe he needed an affirmation from me, telling him that it's okay...Out of all the people in his life, who know about his secret, maybe he was expecting me to be the most supportive. Maybe, even though he's said he's used to hearing those horrible things, used to being judged, he needed someone else. Together we are stronger...And I left... And he's left alone...And I'm left alone...But, he didn't leave...
He sniffled, cleared his throat and out of nowhere started humming. Every time he would pass a tall street lamp, his shadow would get longer, before disappearing in the light of another lamp. Quietly humming, the little illuminated messages on the bridge railing caught his attention. 'Have you eaten?' 'Worries are nothing' 'Doesn't it feel good to be outside walking on a bridge?' and many more...
His senses were numbed by the alcohol, he didn't feel anything reading the messages. Is there someone, who would actually ask me these things? Only Taehyung's face popped in his mind. Why is it always him? He's polluting my mind...I wish I could somehow just run away from my thoughts... How can I make myself forget? I need to do that...but how? He got to a spot where a golden statue was placed, depicting a man consoling the other.
One man pinching another man's cheeks, out of all the statues in the world, this is the statue I'm looking at now... This is messed up...whoever is pulling the strings of my life, has a twisted sense of humor... I can just imagine if I was sitting here with him, we would be like this statue...Or maybe this would be us, in thirty years...In some parallel universe...or the paradise he was talking about...This will never be us, in this time and space. We will never be together, he needs to know that. I can't make him have a false hope. Passing the golden statue, he continued walking across the bridge, humming a slow melody.
He was drunk and felt dizzy, his vision slightly blurred, but his heart still hurt a lot. His hands went over his pockets to find his phone and check the time. Several missed calls from 'TaeTae' appeared on the bright screen, he stopped. Squinting his eyes, he also opened up all the text messages from Taehyung.
- -Jungkook, where are you?- -
- -It's late and it's dangerous to be alone, I don't want you get lost, just please pick up!- -
- -I just went back home, I swear I'm gonna kick open your apartment door! If you're not home...you don't have to pick up, just please come back.- -
- -If you're lost, just please call a taxi, if you don't want to talk to me, that's fine, just let me know, that you're fine, I'm begging you- -
- -Jungkookie, please...I'm so worried, just text me, I need to know that you're okay.- -
He turned the phone off and put it back into his pocket, his head started to hurt. I need to make these thoughts to go away, I need to make my mind shut up...once and for all...
The Mapo Bridge was notoriously known for being the final destination of many people.
And because it was Chuseok, no one was on patrol...
Jungkook climbed over the bridge railing.