Hey guys
Are you ready for this chapter? It's rather short, but important and filled with emotions.
Also, who's proud of me for updating two weeks in a row?
Enjoy reading!
Love you!
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If you want to live in absolute hell, believe that you are responsible for what other people feel. ~Marshall Rosenberg
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My elbows were cutting painfully into my knees, my hands wringing with a force bordering on hurtful. I didn't alter my movements or my position on the chair I was sitting in. I embraced the pain, it was a welcome distraction from the unbearable tightness in my chest, the torturous squeezing of my lungs, the ball of venomous anguish that lay in the pit of my stomach.
It was the moment that I entered this hospital that I actually realized what had happened. Anaphylaxis was not something to treat lightly. Admittedly, I'd underestimated it myself. Once Sam lost consciousness the real panic had set in. However, I was only aware of the horrifying consequences this may have once I googled it.
People died as a result of this allergic reaction.
Sam could have died because of this.
Because of me.
Why did my favorite food have to consist of peanuts?
Why did the universe hate me so damn much?
From my left, a hand reached for both of mine, still rubbing against each other in an uncomfortable, but somewhat relieving way. My hands stilled their movements in my lap once they came into contact with warm skin. Then, I realized my arms were shaking, my legs too.
"He'll be okay." My ears picked up the sound of his voice. Strangely, like it had that time I'd called Jo, his voice alone calmed me a little.
I knew that Sam didn't die but I also knew that he barely made it. If it weren't for the paramedics arriving on time, if it weren't for Marcus arriving on time then... I couldn't even allow myself to picture it.
I almost killed him.
I barely managed a nod.
"Bee, look at me." Oh, so we were back to Bee now, were we? What had changed? I tore my gaze away from the blank spot on the baby blue wall to face him. His normally tanned skin looked pale beneath the fluorescent lights, dark shadows were adorning his eyes, his hair looked disheveled like he had messed it up by running his hands through it one too many times. He didn't look well, let alone healthy. "He will be okay. Don't beat yourself up about this. It wasn't your fault that all of this happened."
And that's where he was wrong. Because all of this was all my fault, mine and mine alone. If I hadn't eaten those damn peanuts this could have been easily prevented.
Silence. I didn't dare open my mouth.
"Why didn't you come to me?" I looked at him incredulously. The real question he wanted to ask was: Why did you choose Jeremy over me?
For days he'd been dismissive, had been sullen for weeks and he still expected me to come running back to him? Oh yeah because he made this so easy for me by pushing me away again and again. Instead of answering I asked with a hoarse voice, "Why didn't you come to me?"
Instantly, he snapped his mouth shut. Yeah, that's what I thought.
"Well, it doesn't seem like you want to have anything to do with me lately," I said bluntly. I could hardly think straight at the moment, my mouth had no filter whatsoever.
He pulled at the collar of his dark blue v-neck in exasperation. Was he sweating? Come to think of it, he did look kind of sick. "Sorry, what did you say?"
"Are you okay?"
"I hate hospitals."
Then everything clicked into place. That's why he was acting so uncomfortable. He was reminded of all the painful memories that he'd had to endure during his childhood. I imagined he'd also been informed about the death of his parents in the hospital. Picturing a little Alex wake up and ask for his mom and dad almost brought me to tears.
"Shit, I need a cigarette," he mumbled, his free hand sweeping through his hair. I weaved my fingers through his', momentarily forgetting myself and focusing on his discomfort. He let his head fall back against the wall, his hand tightening on mine. "You did nothing wrong. He should have told you about his allergy. If it's anyone's fault it's his own." I wanted to snatch my hand out of his', yell at him, punch him, show him just how wrong he really was. Show him what kind of a person I really was.
Instead, I sat there, curled up in my own thoughts, screaming at myself, cursing the universe and the person who invented peanut butter.
"He'll be okay though," he said, sounding somewhat breathless.
"My nephew's right." My head snapped up in surprise at Marcus's voice. As soon as we'd arrived Sam was taken care of by a set of doctors and Marcus was off to God knows where probably either helping or taking care of some paperwork. "Liz, you did well. You did everything you could have done in that moment."
Oh you mean besides not consuming peanut butter and preventing all of this in the first place? I suppressed the urge to scoff. As though I was of any help. I was the one who put him into this situation in the first place.
"Liz!"
I jumped out of my seat at her voice. My chest tightened, all air rushed out of my lungs. "Shauna." I watched as she jogged through the hall, the hem of her trench coat flapping in the wake. I had to give it to Shauna, running in heels without breaking an ankle could be considered an Olympic sport.
"Liz!" Too much momentum and she ran straight into my arms. She didn't care to apologize. I didn't blame her, she was probably sick with worry. "Where is he?"
Before I could say anything Marcus jumped in, "Are you the mother of Samuel Wheelan?"
"Yes, where is he? Where's my baby?" she asked, on the edge of hysteria.
"I'm Doctor-"
"Where's my baby? Is he okay?" Shauna, normally so very collected and calm, was now a hysterical mess.
"He's stable. We were able to-"
She cut him off again, running her hands through her hair. "I-I don't understand. How could he have been so careless? He knows not to eat peanuts."
My stomach dropped to my feet. How could I tell her that her son was in the hospital because of me? She will hate me! And honestly, I wouldn't blame her.
"Mrs. Wheelan, I guess you weren't informed yet, but Sam didn't eat peanuts, that's not how anaphylaxis set in. You see, consuming an allergen is not the only possibility that can cause an allergic reaction. Proteins can transfer between mouths, so when your partner consumes your allergen-"
"Wait, wait, wait," she intervened, pulling at her hair. "What are you trying to tell me?"
I gulped nervously before stepping in. Opening my mouth, I forced myself to speak. "It wasn't Sam that ate those peanuts." Say it! Just say it! You did a mistake now own up to it. "It was me and when I kissed him..."
I didn't dare lift my gaze from the floor beneath my feet. I felt like utter crap. When she was silent for too long, I glanced up, feeling uncomfortable.
Funny enough my movement forced her to react.
"You did this to him?"
"Shauna, I'm-"
"Shut up!" She screamed so surprisingly loud, every passing eye turned in our direction. Her harsh words made me want to crawl into some deep, dark hole and curl into a ball so no-one would ever find me.
"Okay, let's all calm down again," Marcus tried to soothe her.
Alex jumped up and edged closer to me.
Shauna ignored him, driven by hot rage and worry. "You almost killed him! Do you realize that? My baby almost died because of you!"
The tears pricked the back of my eyes. It was an accident, I tried to tell myself in a feeble attempt to keep me from crying.
But the truth, the horrible truth I'd already been aware of, hit me like a punch to the chest. Hearing somebody word my thoughts aloud was too much for my fragile mind.
"That's enough," Alex said in an authoritative voice.
"Mrs. Wheelan, why don't-"
Again, her focus was solely on me. "I don't want you anywhere near my son ever again. He's been through enough shit. Are we clear?" Her voice took a 180, from upset to threateningly calm in under a second.
"Mrs. Wheelan I really think you should-"
"Are. We. Clear?" She asked again when I didn't answer. Once I still kept my mouth shut she reached out in a flash and gripped my chin forcefully, her blood red fingernails pressing into my skin.
Alex pried her hand away from my face. "That's enough. Just go-"
"Elizabeth!" Her eyes held mine and I knew there was no chance she would leave before I gave her an answer. The right answer. The answer she wanted to hear. The answer that was best for everyone included in this mess.
"Yes." No. My voice was so low I wasn't sure it could be heard by anyone but myself.
"Good." She straightened and fixed her eyes on Marcus. "I'd like to see my son now."
"Of course," Marcus got out between clenched teeth. "Right this way."
"Shauna?" I only realized I had spoken when she turned to me with a scowl. "I didn't know. He never told me," I said in one last feeble attempt to put things right again.
She pursed her lips in a condescending way. "And I don't imagine you ever asked."
I was silent. I hadn't asked him about any allergies. The topic plainly just didn't arise and it wasn't something I would randomly ask in a conversation either. Maybe that was where I went wrong.
"Any last words before I go?"
I'm sorry.
The words were on the tip of my tongue, but for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to open my mouth and utter those two words.
Eventually, she huffed and turned away before walking off. I vaguely noticed an interaction between Alex and his uncle as I stared at the floor.
Everything I did, every person I knew, always got hurt. What was the connection between Sam, Shauna, Alex, my parents and Logan? All of them were a part of my life. I was the one that had been causing them pain. I was like a darkness that shadowed all of their light. Once they knew me well enough they ended up injured one way or another.
"Come on. I'll take you home." His warmth was back against my cold and I pulled away the moment our skin touched, hugging myself instead so I wouldn't give in to the desire to reach out for his comforting heat.
Instead, he placed his hand on my lower back. Again, I angled my body away as though his touch burned me when really it calmed me. I was just scared of tainting him with my darkness. "Bee."
I didn't respond but stopped walking once he gripped my arm. Don't touch me! I wanted to scream. Don't you know I only cause destruction?
His shoes stepped in my line of vision. "Bee, look at me."
I shook my head, just barely. Then the most gentle hand laid itself upon my cheek. It was when he brushed my tears away that I realized my mistake. But it wasn't like I cared much.
My head tipped forward and I fell into his chest. The urge for comfort was greater than the one for selfless behavior. I'm sorry, I wanted to say when his arms hugged me to his form.
I didn't want to cast a shadow on the remains of light left inside him as my darkness enveloped him through my touch alone.
I'm sorry.
For everything I'd ever done to you. For everything I was still doing to you.
I'm sorry.