LUNA'S POV ON
"That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end."
"If you know someone who's depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn't a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.
Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they're going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It's hard to be a friend to someone who's depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do."
"When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore."
"I didn't want my picture taken because I was going to cry. I didn't know why I was going to cry, but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I'd cry for a week. I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full."
"Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You're frightened, and you're frightening, and you're "not at all like yourself but will be soon," but you know you won't."
"Perfume was first created to mask the stench of foul and offensive odors...
Spices and bold flavorings were created to mask the taste of putrid and rotting meat...
What then was music created for?
Was it to drown out the voices of others, or the voices within ourselves?
I think I know."
Three light knocks on my door interrupted my reading of my favorite book, 'The Book of Depressing Quotes'.
"Luny?" His head slowly creeped in from the crack in the door. I stood up as fast as he opened the rest of the door.
"D? Are you feeling better?" I asked him, noticing how he was standing up.
He just nodded and took my hand in his. His touch was so soft, like he was afraid I would break if he pressed into my hand any stronger.
"We're going out." He stated, and started leading us to the front door.
As we passed the main desk, he didn't even turn to greet Mary, however, when I turned to her and give her a light smile, she just looked at me with apologetic eyes.
My eyebrows knitted in confusion, when Dean opened the front door and the cool night breeze greeted us.
It was slightly chilly outside, but at the same time, it was nice. Not too cold, not to warm.
We didn't speak at all while walking to wherever he was leading us to. We just had our hands intertwined, and the only noise audible was out feet against the hard street.
He kept on stroking my palm with his thumb, in the sweetest gesture.
We were approaching some sort of condominium, and as we got closer, an old man who probably was guarding the gates, started looking for something in his pockets as soon as he saw us.
We walked through the gate and one again Dean didn't even look to the side, he just kept on walking until stood in front of a huge white house. A mansion, really.
"This is my father's house." I noticed how his nose scrunched up while he said the word 'father', and took a key out of his pockets. I just stared at him and he chuckled lowly, leading us to the front door.
After he opened it, he stood out his arm as if he were a gentleman, showing me the way in.
I just rolled my eyes, and he smiled, but this smile wasn't the one I loved. It seemed as if it was a sad smile.
I decided not to ask anything since he was going to explain it all anyway.
The first thing I saw was a huge and beautiful staircase leading to a second floor. Dean didn't even let me look around, he just kept on walking straight and climbing up the stairs.
He stopped midway to check if I was behind him, then he took my hand again so I could climb along with his pace.
We walked through a long corridor, and stopped in front of the last door of it. Dean took out another key out of his pockets and opened it.
"Firstly, don't worry my father's out of town for work." I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding. "Secondly, sorry for the mess..." he entered the room and I instantly felt the smell of fresh paint.
The room was basically under construction. There was only a bed, the rest if the room was empty. Not actually empty, I mean, there were some pieces of wood from the floor and a lot lot of dust.
"So what is it th-" I was cut off by his lips pressing onto mine.
It took me a while to react, but the kiss had such emotion to it. I don't know, I wouldn't be able to describe it even if I wanted to.
"Dea-"
"Not now baby please just met me have you a while more please?" He said while his forehead was against mine.
I nodded in responde and not even a second later his lips were on mine again.
He was kissing me with so much passion that I was already anticipating that whatever the hell it was that he was going to tell me, were not good news.
At all.
Finally, we pulled away slowly, and I think I saw his lips tremble.
"Okay. Okay. I can do this." He whispered to himself. I was looking at him already expecting something terrible.
"Okay. Luny. Look under the bed." He sighted, closing his eyes. "Please."
I did as he asked, and to my surprise, guess what was under his bed?
"My envelopes?" I took them from the spot they were on and sat back next to him on the bed. "Why did you take them?"
"Open it." His breathing started getting faster and I looked at him.
"Okay.." I ripped the first envelope open.
What? "What are these?" I looked at the papers and read Dean's name on the top.
Hospital records?
First admitted in October 14th 2013. Symptoms: heavy headache, excessive sleeping.
CT scan did not acuse on anything.
Patient was transferred to Mental Extension of the Saint Geroge's Hospital due to depression. Was not discharged due to continuous headache and other suspicious symptoms.
I turned to another page. There were numbers and more numbers. Maybe codes, and 10 other pages with CT scans and exam dates.
December 16th, 2015.
Patient described more suspicious symptoms.
Headache
Weakness
Clumsiness
Difficulty walking
Seizures
Five seizures in total since the patient was first admitted.
And then more pages with numbers and codes, and more dates.
I opened the second envelope.
Patient started to develop more suspicious symptoms as well as a higher number of seizures.
Numbness
Changes in memory
Changes in thinking
Nausea
Vision changes
On the CT scan done on February 21st 2016, however, the doctors involved in the case decided to change the angle the x-ray.
The tumor was hidden by his own brain, localized in such region it was not noticed before due to the 45° angle it was in.
I couldn't look up to Dean. I had to finish reading this. The rest of the pages were all numbers, I would say something like 20 pages, and that was it.
I opened the third and last envelope.
A brain tumor is a collection, or mass, of abnormal cells in your brain. Your skull, which encloses your brain, is very rigid. Any growth inside such a restricted space can cause problems. Brain tumors can be cancerous (malignant) or noncancerous (benign). When benign or malignant tumors grow, they can cause the pressure inside your skull to increase. This can cause brain damage, and it can be life-threatening.
Brain tumors are categorized as primary or secondary. A primary brain tumor originates in your brain. Many primary brain tumors are benign. A secondary brain tumor, also known as a metastatic brain tumor, occurs when cancer cells spread to your brain from another organ, such as your lung or breast.
Primary brain tumors
Primary brain tumors originate in your brain. They can develop from your:
brain cells
the membranes that surround your brain, which are called meninges
nerve cells
glands
Primary tumors can be benign or cancerous. In adults, the most common types of brain tumors are gliomas and meningiomas.
Patient was diagnosed with primary central nervous system (CNS) lymphomas, which are malignant.
Central nervous system lymphoma is a rare non-Hodgkin lymphoma in which malignant (cancer) cells from lymph tissue form in the brain and/or spinal cord (primary CNS) or spread from other parts of the body to the brain and/or spinal cord (secondary CNS). Because the eye is so close to the brain, primary CNS lymphoma can also start in the eye (called ocular lymphoma). The cancer can also involve the spinal fluid that bathes the spinal cord and brain. This is called leptomeningeal lymphoma.
Bla bla bla bla. I skipped some of this nerd information.
Treatment
There is no standard treatment for CNS lymphoma. Your doctor will discuss the best treatment option for you. As CNS lymphoma only affects a small number of people, it is important to be treated by a hematologist/oncologist who is knowledgeable about non-Hodgkin lymphoma. It is important to consider getting a second opinion with a NHL expert to make sure you are aware of all treatment options.
Possible treatment options are listed below. Methotrexate-based combinations have been the most successful for CNS lymphoma patients. These are usually given at high doses and require that the patient be hospitalized while giving the chemotherapy. For patients over age 60 years, radiation treatment can be extremely neurotoxic and it is important to speak to your doctor before receiving this treatment. Patients who have relapsed or refractory CNS lymphoma, cytarabine and topotecan may also be an option.
More bla bla bla. I flipped another page.
Chemotherapy was advised. Patient refused treatment.
More tests were done on the patient. State of tumor (May 2017: METASTATIC, STAGE IV)
Chemotherapy was advised once again. Patient refused treatment.
However, stayed in the facility to stay under observation.
The patient's type of cancer is rare for a human being 15 years of age, age in which he was admitted and probably had already started developing the tumor.
Even though he did not accept treatment, accepted to stay and be researched on as long as he stayed in the mental extension of the hospital.
January 1st 2018.
Wait. This is this year.
Patient started to begin treatment. However, the tumor was metastatic and chemotherapy had chances of not working.
Patient decided to procede either way.
I couldn't read it anymore. I felt myself start shaking like a mad person.
Shit. Shit. This can't be happening.
"Dean?" My voice was barely audible. I wasn't even breathing properly.
My hands were shaking like crazy and I couldn't see anything due to the amount of tears in my eyes.
LUNA'S POV OFFF
"Luny." He looked at Luna and it took him everything not to hug her. He had to give her space. He had thought about how he was going to tell her, and what would be her reaction.
He had thought about her crying. He had thought about her shaking. He had thought it all before so why was it all hurting him this badly?
Yes. Dean was dying.
And he had been dying for a long time.
And the pain he felt in that moment was bigger than all the pain that shitty cancer had made him feel.
And the headaches and all the seizures. Those were nothing compared to what he was feeling now.
Because now, he felt so empty. Like he had lost her right there.
Luna's mind was so loud. She tried blocker her ears with her hands but nothing was working. So much information.
But the only thing that kept replaying through her head was only one thing: Dean was dying.
"Wh- Why- What-" she didn't even know what to say to him.
Holy shit.
"Luny. I- it's all my fault. I'm so sorry." She wasn't looking at him but she knew he was crying.
Dean was crying.
He seemed to tough on the outside. He always tried to keep this strong persona but this was the most vulnerable she had ever seen him.
LUNA'S POV ON
"I refused getting treatment because I thought I would suffer for nothing you know..." he stopped when I hiccuped, then continued.
"The cancer was already on an advanced stage. I would die either way. So why not die in style, with hair, being the handsome guy I am hm?"
Only Dean to try to joke at a time like this.
I rolled my eyes.
"But I met you Luny." His voice broke. "My mom doesn't even really remember who I am anymore. I met you and I wanted to live again. I wanted to try everything I could, because now I had hopes of a future for me."
More pause.
"Remember the day you had to literally cary me to my room? When I was tired as shit?"
I nodded, my head on my hands still.
"It was my third day of chemo." He took my hand and put it over his hair. I noticed that his hair was a lot more thinner than when I first touched his hair.
If my head could get any lower, it did. I wanted to hide. I wanted to leave. I don't know. Fucking breathe fresh air or something.
I got up and turned around, ready to leave. But before I could take even a step further, he took my hand and turned me around, pressing me to his chest.
There was something about this hug. He he was hugging me like I was going to leave and never come back.
Was I?
I tried getting off his grip, but he just hugged me tighter.
"Please. Please don't leave me." His voice was rapier than ever, and both of our breathings were so fast I was sure they could be heard from outside the room.
My heart was beating so fast, but his were faster though. I could feel his muscles while we were hugging and they were so tense.
I tried breaking free from his hug once again when he said something that made me stop on my tracks.
"I love you. I love you Luny. I feel like I don't tell you now, I won't be able to tell you later." His embrace got tighter than it was before, he was hugging me like it was the last thing he was ever going to do.
Because it literally could be the last thing he was going to do.