"Can we stop for coffee again?"
"Sure. You're not getting addicted to caffeine are you?"
"Everyone is addicted to it."
"I'll stop here-"
"No! Can we stop where we've been stopping?"
"What's with you and that place?"
I get to see Dean there.
"Nothing. Their coffee is just really good." I mumble looking out the window.
"Well it must be good because you've been getting coffee there for two weeks."
"Yep."
Minutes later we arrive at the coffee shop. As I get out the car to walk in my heart starts palpitating quickly.
Like usual Dean is standing in line. He orders the usual. Two lattes. One large and one small. The large for him. The small for Layla.
It's crazy what you learn about a person by watching them from a distance. He sits on the same table he always does.
"What can I get for you ma'am?"
"A small cappuccino, please."
After paying the lady I stand to wait for my coffee. I look at Dean and find that he's already looking at me.
His blue eyes are looking right into mine. It's like he's looking right into my soul. He gets up and starts walking in my direction.
Now my heart is beating so fast I can hear it. Everything else around me is a blur except him. Just as he think he's approaching me he turns to the right to walk to the bathroom.
A deep disappointment falls over me. "Ma'am?" I turn around and a man hands me my cup.
I grab it along with my straw. Being as clumsy as I am I drop my straw on the floor. I'm bending down to get it when another hand reaches to grab it.
Our hands touch for just a brief second, but it's enough to send shivers down my spine. I look up and see Dean in front of me.
He tosses it to the thrash and hands me a new one. "Thanks." I mumble quietly. "No problem."
"Aj?" He calls as I'm walking away. A spark in me arises. Is he finally going to apologize? "Yes?" I respond a bit to quickly.
"Your straw." He says. That's when I realize I never took it from his hand. "Oh. The straw." He only called me back for the straw.
This time I do take the straw and then head out. I'm wishing he'd call me again, but of course he doesn't.
>>>
"Is that a different flavor?" Seth asks staring at the cup in my hand. I shrug and he squints his eyes a little to read the label in the cup.
"Cappuccino? Wow, you always have different flavors. You're the first person I meet that tries all types of coffee."
"Coffee is coffee."
"Well I guess you have a point there."
After minutes of silence he speaks up again, "Aj?"
"Hmm?" I reply uninterested.
"When will you talk to to me?"
"I'm talking to you right now."
"No I mean actually talk to me. I'm trying my best to help you, but you won't let me. You've been coming here for two weeks and I can't get you to trust me enough to tell me what's wrong."
"There's nothing wrong."
"Really? Then why're you here?"
"Because my mom is making me."
"Why is she making you?"
"Because she thinks I'm not okay."
"Why?"
"The doctor told her and now she's freaking out because I don't act like a normal person."
"How does a normal person act?"
"Happy."
"Are you not happy? What's not making you happy?"
"I'm not happy, but I'm okay."
"Explain."
"It's just .. it's just.."
"Go on you can tell me. Maybe talking about it will help you."
"I was in a very bad accident and I thought I was going to die. Turns out I didn't die. When I was going through that my mood was always down. I felt sad and very self conscious. I hated myself for making my family and friends sad. I didn't want their happiness to be ruined because of me. I didn't want their happiness to depend on me. The doctor said my mood wasn't normal so he gave me antidepressants, but I'm not depressed. My mood is normal. I'm just upset right now."
"Why're you upset if you survived that bad accident you had?"
"Because even though I don't want anyone's happiness depending on me, I guess mine does depend on someone's."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because that person was there when I was struggling and that person made me happy. That person made me feel normal and treated me equally when everyone else didn't. That person made me forget I was stuck in a wheelchair about to go into surgery that could possibly kill me. That person made me feel special and ... and when that person stopped being there I felt my whole world collapse. It's been weeks and I can't seem to recover from it. I just hope to get over it soon."
Seth keeps looking at me and I feel my cheeks redden. "Sounds like that person is really important to you."
"Kind of."
"Have you tried talking to them about it?"
"No."
"Why not? That's the first step is to talk about it."
"I can't talk about it."
"Yes you can. Just tell them what you just told me."
"I can't."
"Aj, you can do it if you want you just have to get the courage."
"I can't! That person doesn't want to talk to me anymore. That person said we can't be friends anymore."
"Look here Aj, if that person is your real friend they will let you talk to them. I'm sure you two can resolve the conflict that happened."
"You don't understand. There was no conflict. He just didn't want to talk to me anymore. I don't want to beg him to be in my life for pity. If he truly wanted to he would try, but he doesn't. So there's no way to fix that. I would want nothing more, but to have him back in my life. He just doesn't want to be in my life and that's perfectly okay."
"Is it?"
"No."
"Then why don't you do something about it?"
"Because being in my life doesn't make him happy. I want him to be happy."
"Even if you're sacrificing your happiness?"
"Yes."
"That's very noble of you, Aj."
"More like stupid."
"You have a pretty heart."
That's what he used to say.