A couple of weeks later, it was finally August. The start of the new season, and I couldn’t wait to start the shows. I had started pushing myself harder and harder, only taking breaks every couple of hours. I didn’t eat much when I took my breaks, only crackers and water. I’d always feel nauseous afterwards. I just didn’t understand why.
Anyway, Eric and Hunter really hit it off. After that first day, they’re practically inseparable. There wasn’t a day that went by if they weren’t holding hands or in each other’s arms. It got a little awkward sometimes because I’m pretty much attached to Eric’s hip, so to speak. If Hunter stayed over in Eric’s room, the three of us would have movie might, mainly because I refused to have my own room. Eric and Hunter didn’t seem to mind though, they enjoyed my company. We had come up with a routine, the three of us would have a movie night every Friday and/or Wednesday and we’d go out twice a week for either dinner or lunch in the city.
Tobias and I set aside time together each week, mainly on Sunday. That was the only day I didn’t practice, I just relaxed with him around. And it felt nice, really, really nice. We would wake up early and go get pancakes the next block over. Then we would go and walk around, just talking and getting stuff to eat along the way. Sometimes we would go see a movie or we would go home and have a movie night of our own.
And today was our day together.
I normally look forward to these days, but today, I feel like hell. I barely slept the night before and I could hardly move. Thankfully Eric slept in Hunter’s dorm last night or I’d be in the Emergency Room for how much I puked during the night. I looked at the clock, it was six o’clock. Tobias would be by any minute and I could hardly sit up. Oh joy. I heard three knocks on the door and then a pause, waiting for me to answer. I moaned and tried to push myself onto my feet; I only got up on my elbows before feeling like I had to puke again. I collapsed on my stomach and curled into a ball. I heard three more urgent knocks and Tobias say my name.
I lifted my head and moaned; “Tobias,” I was pitiful. Tobias quickly opened the door, coming to my bed as fast as he could. He pushed my hair away from my face as he felt my forehead.
“Ana, what’s wrong? You don’t have a fever.” He murmured. I told him that I had been puking all night and that I barely slept. He pressed his cool lips to my forehead. He said I didn’t have a fever, but I felt hot. “Maybe I should take you to the hospital or something.”
“No,” I practically shouted. I hated hospitals, mainly the needles and the blood. Tobias stood and paced, running his hands through his hair nervously. I watched him as I slowly sat up. He looked at me every so often, unsure what to do.
“Ana, what if you’re pregnant?” He asked, still pacing. I never thought of that. I could’ve been; I didn’t use anything when Nikki and I were with that William guy. I looked at Tobias, chewing on my lip nervously.
“I could be,” I whispered, running my hands through my hair. Honestly, the thought never crossed my mind before. The one time I even had slept with someone, I was sure I wouldn’t get pregnant. My cycle has always been screw, so there was no way, I think. Tobias stopped in his tracks at my words, and the look in his eyes showed pure rage.
“It’s that guy from a couple weeks ago, isn’t it?” He asked calmly. Tobias gave a low growl as he started pacing again. I didn’t want to be pregnant, I didn’t want a responsibility, and I just wanted to keep my childhood while I still could. Tobias walked over to my bed and knelt in front of me, saying,
“I’m taking you to the hospital, Anya. I’ll help you get dressed, okay?” His voice was soft and soothing, but it didn’t help my nerves. I shook my head vigorously, refusing to go to the hospital. He can just go to the drugstore and buy an over the counter test or two.
Tobias sighed and came over to me, kneeling down and taking my face in his hands. “Anya, please, for me?” He whispered. I nodded and wrapped my arms around my waist. He stood and grabbed one of Eric’s sweaters and a pair of shorts. He came back and handed me the sweater. I slipped it over my head and pushed my arms through as he waited to hand me the shorts.
I shook my head, holding my stomach again. “Can’t bend over,” I mumbled. He nodded and pulled me into his arms, slipping my shorts on as I stuck my feet into slippers and wrapped my arms around him. Tobias picked me up and carried me out to his truck. I curled into a ball and leaned into him as turned towards the other dorm building. I told Tobias that his name was William and to look in the music dorms. He nodded and pulled into an empty space.
“Stay here,” He whispered, getting out of the car. He locked me in the car, so I lay down on the seat and waited for his return. Tobias and William came back a while later, opening the doors quickly. I sat up and rested my head on Tobias’s shoulder, keeping my eyes closed so I wouldn’t get car sick. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders as he drove.
The ride to the hospital was silent, no noise except the radio which was on low. Maybe minutes later, the truck rolled to a stop and Tobias lifted me out of the truck. I opened my eyes and got on my feet, keeping my arms around Tobias for support. William trailed behind us as we entered the hospital and were seated. Once I was in my seat, Tobias and William went over to the nurse’s station and checked me in. William left the station and sat on one side of me while Tobias was up front, filling in paper work.
William scratched his head as I pulled me knees to my chest. “So, you’re pregnant?” He asked softly.
I shook my head. “I don’t know yet,” I mumbled. He reached over and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. I closed my eyes as I pulled away from him. “Why do you care?” I mumbled.
“It’s my kid in there too, maybe.” He said. I opened my eyes and stared at him. If he wanted this thing, he could have it. I couldn’t raise a kid, I was barely sixteen. And besides that, I could never give a child a stable home or a good education or anything really; I didn’t know how.
“I don’t want it,” I whispered. He opened his mouth to say something but Tobias came over to us. He sat on the other side of me, pulling me closer to him. I took his hand and squeezed it, wondering when they would call for us. William looked at the two of us, scratching his head.
“Are you sure it’s not your boyfriends?” He asked. Tobias let out a humorless laugh and shook his head. “Brother?” He asked, looking a little alarmed.
“Best friend and no, she laid down our relationship the first day I joined the company,” Tobias murmured, running his fingers through my hair. “She had plenty of brothers; none of them would do it with her.” He added. William raised an eyebrow as he tried to figure out what Tobias meant.
“They’re all gay and they all belong to my mother’s company.” I whispered. I leaned into Tobias, trying to hold down what was left in my stomach. He rubbed my arm as he pulled me into his lap. I whimpered from the movements, clutching my stomach as he wrapped his arms around me.
“So your mom knows you’re here?” William asked. Tobias explained to him that she had died over a decade ago. “Oh… what about your dad,” He asked.
“Never left Russia,” I whimpered. “Only Tobias knows I’m here.” I whispered.
“You’re a foreigner?” He asked. I nodded.
“I’m legal, so is the majority of the company.” I said. I looked at William; did he even remember my name? And more importantly, did he have a girlfriend or a fiancée, if I was pregnant; I had to be sure it was going to a stable family.
“Will, do you remember my name?” I asked and he shook his head. “Thought so,” I mumbled. “It’s Ana, by the way. And do you have a girlfriend or a fiancée, maybe?” I asked hopefully.
“Yeah, I do. Why do you ask,” He said as the station nurse called; “Anya!” I stood shakily, the boys following suit. Tobias wrapped an arm around me as we followed the nurse. I looked at him, but he looked ahead, pulling me to him as we walked. I wanted to know what he's thinking about. It’s driving me nuts. The nurse led us into a private room and I sat on the table-chair thing. She had asked me why I was here, what my symptoms were, how long I had had them (which by the way, shocked Tobias), when my last period was, if I had lately had intercourse.
She had written it down and handed me a cup and told me there was a bathroom right through that door. I got up and made my way in. I squatted down and peed into it. I came back out and handed the nurse the cup before sitting down again. William stared at me, running his hands through his hair.
“What do you want to do, Ana?” He asked. I looked at my knees, then him.
“I’m not responsible enough to take care of a baby yet, nor would the government allow me because I can’t give the thing what it needs. But you can, and I know your girl would love this thing.” I said softly, “I’m giving this thing to you, Will.”
Both the boys stared at me, unsure what to say. Tobias stood and paced while William just sat there. After a while, William finally said something; “No, I’m not taking full custody of this kid. It needs its mom, Ana.” He said, looking at me.
“It has your girlfriend as its mother.” I mumbled.
“Ana, what happens when it gets mad at Gwen, telling her it’s not their mother? It’ll crush her.” He said.
“I can’t raise a kid,” I whispered, tears coming to my eyes. Tobias looked at me as he came over and wrapped his arms around me. I buried my face in his chest, forcing myself to calm down. I pulled back and looked at William. “Please, take it. I’ll visit the thing when I’m in town, but I can’t be its mother.” I said. William shook his head.
“Ana, you have a whole family to help you, and me and Gwen. That kid, the one inside you needs you. Everyone needs a mom.” He said softly.
“I didn’t have a mom growing up and I turned out fine,” I grumbled. Tobias let go of me with a sigh.
“But you had seventeen other people that were your mom,” Tobias murmured, his eyes were trained on my face.
“Please Ana?” William pleaded. I looked at him, he was ready to get on his knees and beg.
“Okay,” I whispered to him. He got up and came over to me, wrapping his arms around me and hugging me tightly to his chest. I smiled faintly and hugged him back. William sat down on the table thing, setting me in his lap as a lopsided grin spread across his face. I laughed softly as Tobias took a seat in the chair William had occupied.
The door opened and the nurse came back in with a clipboard in hand. “Congratulations, you’re pregnant.” She said; a faint smile on her lips. William leaned down and kissed me platonically. I was too excited to notice; there was a baby in me.
But at the same time I was worried about me and Tobias. Would this baby hurt my relationship with him? I know I should be saying ‘what relationship?’ but I can’t just stop having the feelings I have for him. I looked at Tobias and he gave me a smile, but not his real smile. I got off William’s lap and made my way over to Tobias. He pulled me into his arms, pulling me into his lap.
“Congratulations Ana,” He whispered. I nodded and hugged him, not wanting to let him go. He hugged me back, his arms tightly around me. The nurse said something to William and left. Tobias looked at William and they talked softly to each other. Tobias loosened his grip on me and murmured; “Time to go.” I nodded and got up, taking Tobias’ hand as he stood.
We walked back to the truck and Tobias handed William his keys, claiming he was too tired to drive. I climbed in, William and Tobias on either side of me, the perks of having a bench seat in an old truck. We took off towards the school, Tobias falling asleep quickly. William glanced at me as he drove; something he wanted to talk about surely.
“What’s on your mind?” I asked.
“Are you gonna be at the school when the kid’s coming out?” He asked. I thought for a moment; by the time the little guy was due, we’d be in New York. I shook my head. “Oh,” He mumbled, looking a little upset.
“We’ll be in New York. I could fly you and Gwen up, if you’d like.” I said softly. He suddenly got very happy and nodded, trying not to smile.
“Thanks,” He said happily. He looked at me again. “So what’s the deal with you and Tobias?” He asked. “I mean, you guys say your friends, but you both act like you’re a couple.”
“It’s complicated.” I mumbled. I looked at Tobias and bit my lip. He looked so beautiful when he slept.
“Make it less complicated then,” He said. Oh how I wish I could, it would be so simple to. I could tell him what I said about being a friend was a mistake and tell him how I feel… but what if he has a girlfriend? That would make everything even more awkward.
“I can’t.” I said, looking at Tobias again. Some of his dark hair fell into his closed eyes. I carefully brushed them back, being careful not to wake him. I really did love this boy.
“You really care about him,” William remarked. I bit my lip and looked at William quickly.
“I think I love him,” I whispered. William smiled and patted my knee.
“And I think he loves you too.” He said. I bit my lip and pulled my knees to my chest. I felt like I was flying, but at the same time I was falling. William took my hand and squeezed it. “Ana, what’s wrong?”
“I told him that we could only be friends, and there’s a good reason behind that. I just wish I never said it.” I mumbled. William asked what the reason was. “If we had dated and broke up, it’d distract us both from doing our best for the company. It’d tear my family apart.” I told him. He nodded and pulled into the school parking lot.
“Tell him how you feel and nothing will go wrong,” He murmured, handing me the keys to the car. I nodded and hugged him quickly before he got out and went into his dorm building. I scooted over and turned the car back on and drove toward our side of the school. I pulled into a parking space and turned the car off, gently waking Tobias up. He opened one eye and looked at me before closing it again. I grumbled and tickled him until he opened his eye again. He closed it immediately and splayed out on his back. I groaned and took his face in my hands.
“Dammit Tobias, wake up!” I said; my face near to his. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me against his body line. He opened his eyes slowly, his hands roaming up and down my back.
“I’m awake,” He whispered, his lips just brushing mine. My breath caught in my throat as he did. I tried to push away from him, but he held me firmly to his chest and looked me in the eyes. “Will’s right, about me loving you. I hate to admit that he’s right, but he is.” He added in a murmur.
“Tobias, we can’t—” I started, but he pressed his finger to my lips.
“Can we pretend for one moment that we can pursue a relationship and that you will admit that you want to kiss me and tell me you love me,” He whispered. God he knew me too well. I looked at him as he leaned up a little. “Anya, I know you want to.” He whispered.
I closed the gap and kissed him firmly on the lips. His lips were warm and soft as he kissed me back; one of his hands cupping the back of my neck. My lips twitched into a tiny smile as I ran my fingers through his soft hair. He grinned against my lips and kissed me so deeply, I could hardly breathe. As he kissed me, that little nagging thought came back into my head. We can’t do this; it played over and over in my head. I pulled back and quickly scrambled to the farthest corner of the truck. Tobias sat up, panting like I was.
“We can’t do this, Tobias. I’m so sorry,” I whispered, hugging my knees to me. Tobias looked at me and grabbed my ankles, pulling me close to him. He took my face in his hands and kissed my forehead.
“I know, and I am very willing to wait until you make up your mind.” He murmured, looking at me. I nodded and wrapped my arms around him. He smiled and opened his door. “We’re wasting precious movie time,” He said, picking me up and carrying me inside.
~
About a week later, I had my first ultrasound. William came with me since everyone else was busy packing. The news about the baby wasn’t taken well, but it wasn’t taken badly either. Eric took it the worst out of everyone. He was ready to kill William, but Tobias and Hunter held him back and calmed him down enough so I could talk to him. I told him everything would be alright, and not to kill William. Nikki took it even worse. We both had pictures of the ultrasound. I asked him to go to Nikki and tell her everything. And he did what I asked of him. Nikki found me the next day and told me I could go to hell. And that she’d find out some way to get back at me.
I didn’t tell anyone about it because we were leaving in a couple of days. It was a little tough on Eric because he and Hunter would be separated for a while. Hunter would join us in a while, though. Tobias had helped me pack for a couple of days before we had to go. The last night before we left, Tobias told me that he had just some last minute packing. He only had the last of his clothes to pack and I told him when he was done, we were going out to eat.
He had gone to his room around four, so I had plenty of time to change and pack the last of my things. I finished around six and assumed that Tobias was just about done. I walked down to the end of the hall and knocked on his door. I waited a moment for him to answer, but he didn’t. I knocked again and said; “Tobias, are you ready?” I asked. I heard a crash and it startled me. “Tobias, I’m coming in,” I said, opening the door. What I saw inside his room, I wish I hadn’t opened it at all.
Nikki was on top of Tobias, straddling his hips while her fingers were busy with his shirt. Tobias was under her, his eyes wide with shock. He shoved Nikki off him and scrambled to his feet, but I was already booking it down the hallway, tears pooling in my eyes. Tobias ran up behind me and grabbed my arm, spinning me around to look at him.
“Ana, it’s not what it looks li—” He started. I pulled my arm back and wiped my eyes quickly. He looked at me, his breaths ragged and his eyes wild.
“Don’t, just don’t Tobias.” I said, backing away from him. He stepped closer, but I stuck my hands out and pushed on his chest. “Please, stop.” I said softly, turning away and hurrying back to my room. I went in and locked the door behind me so Tobias couldn’t get in. I leaned back against the door, sliding onto the ground. I rested my hands on my stomach and whispered; “You love me little guy, don’t you?” Of course I knew it couldn’t answer me back, but it felt pertinent to ask someone.
Nikki kept her word; she did get back at me and in the worst way possible too.