Song: New by Daya.
To say that my world was turned upside down when the news broke of Artemi's trade to Columbus, is putting it lightly. My world shook, crumbled, and died in the space of five hours upon hearing the news.
My day had started like any other weekday. I left the apartment on time, kissing Artemi goodbye and headed to work, my mind clear and happy with no worries in sight. Upon arriving to work, I got down to business not knowing that in a short few hours that I would be back at the apartment packing my stuff. Lunch arrived and I found myself sitting in the break room, my lunch in front of me and I scrolled through my twitter. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary and then the first message came through,
'Oh my gosh, don't tell me you're going to be moving with him to Columbus?'
I didn't know what my friend was talking about, I thought it was meant for another person because I knew I had no intentions on moving anywhere, Chicago became my home and I was set on living here until I decided it was time to go. And then another text came through, this time from Jana, a wife of one of the Blackhawk players.
'I am so sorry to hear what's happened, I wish you two the best of luck in Columbus.'
And it was from that text did my interest peak at what's going on. I refreshed my twitter feed and then everything came flooding in at once,
'Artemi Panarin has been traded to Columbus Blue Jackets.'
'Former Calder Trophy winner, Artemi Panarin, has been traded to Blue Jackets in return former Hawk, Brandon Saad.'
'Panarin traded for Saad, more to follow.'
My mind shut down and nothing but fear and worry came to mind. I thought it was a joke someone was playing, I didn't believe it until I received a message from Artemi himself,
'Can you come home?'
I didn't think twice about it and left work, claiming there is a family emergency. I raced through the streets, people staring at me weirdly wondering what the heck this girl is doing running like hell down the streets. I came to our apartment and busted through the door, I doubled in two and caught my breath before walking further into the house.
I found Artemi sitting on the couch, his head in his hands, his shoulders shaking and I knew the news has hit him hard. I rushed over to the couch, I dropped down beside him and brought him into my arms. Artemi sobbed into my lap, his cries wrecked our small apartment and my heart broke for him. I kept running my hand through his hair, my other hand tracing shapes on his arm to calm him down. Once he cried the last of his tears, he sat up and pushed his hair back.
"What do I do?" He asked softly, his voice breaking as he fought back more tears.
"We take it one step at a time." I replied reaching forward for his hands, but he snatched them back and stood up.
"No, no." He muttered moving around the room.
"Arti, I know that this is unexpected and quite frankly shocking, but it isn't the end of the world." I told standing up to face the frustrated Russian.
"It is, Chicago my future. Now I go to Columbus, I don't know city. I'm lost." Artemi said. I saw him cruse at himself, his language barrier getting the better of him.
"Listen to me, Artemi. It is like starting all over again, like you did here in Chicago but instead in Columbus. I'll be there to help you, we'll do this together, and you won't be alone." I reassured moving towards him, but Artemi shook his head.
"Can't burden you, we break up." His words shook me to my core that I stumbled back onto the couch. His words replayed over my thoughts, words I thought I would never hear from him in the two years together. I regained my composure again, even though deep inside my core crumbles.
"You don't mean that, you're just annoyed, you're upset at what's happened." I said blinking away the tears that welled in my eyes. Artemi sighed.
"I do mean it, you deserve more. You don't belong with me, you belong to someone who is better." Artemi told shaking his head when I stood up.
"I don't deserve more, I deserve you, Artemi. I love you, how can you say that? Don't you love me back?" I protested letting my tears roll down my face now.
"I love you. I love you that I think about you, you don't move with me to Columbus. You stay here in Chicago, I go to Columbus alone." Artemi said and with that I knew there was no hope in saying anything else as he wasn't having it.
I gave a reluctant nod, my heart breaking in two. "OK, I understand."
"I'm sorry." Artemi said and my head shot up at him, my blood boiling at what he said.
"Sure, of course you are." I spat walking away from him and towards the bedroom. I slammed the door shut and walked lifelessly over to the bed, my body collapsing before I reached the bed and I curled into a ball with my sobs finally escaping me.
I left that night when I heard Artemi leave the apartment, I couldn't bare to walk out when he's at home watching me as I do. But I still left, leaving a small note wishing him well and that I still love him. And that was it, I left and never returned.
_ _ _ _ _
Three and a half months later:
"You up for a date night tonight?" Alec asked entering into the living room and threw himself down beside me. I looked up from my laptop, an eyebrow raising at his words.
"What do you have in store?" I questioned, closing my laptop and set it on the floor.
"Two tickets for the Blackhawks game tonight, front row seats." Alec grinned pulling two tickets out of his pocket. I laughed and reached for one of the tickets, my hand grabbed the first one and I froze in my place when I saw the logo of the away team the Blackhawks are playing.
Columbus Blue Jackets.
My thoughts instantly went straight to Artemi, my heart never did heal after our break up. Even now with me dating Alec, my heart still yearns for Artemi. I miss him. I love him. I want him. And yet, I can't have him. He's miles away in another state, living life and playing his sport, while I'm here in Chicago, my heart still broken and the memories still fresh in my thoughts.
But I didn't want to let Alec down and I agreed to go to the game with him, even as my thoughts battled with each other not to go because seeing Artemi would send me off into an emotional mess.
Alec and I arrived at our seats, the plexiglass an arms reach in front of us. Alec put his arm around my shoulder as we settled into our seats, I lent further into his side and held his other hand in mine. I kept my gaze off the ice as long as possible until the blur of the blue and white of the Columbus Blue Jacket players skate past us. My eyes shot up and I tried my hardest not to look for him, but of course my thoughts didn't listen and my eyes traveled until they landed on the number 9 jersey at center ice.
I felt glad that his back is turned, I won't see his face and my heart wouldn't break again at seeing him. But my prayers were unanswered because he turned around and his eyes landed on me, I shuffled in my seat when his baby blue eyes widened at the sight of me. I tried turning my gaze elsewhere, but they kept landing back on his soft eyes.
"Are you OK?" Alec's voice brought me back into reality and I found myself almost sitting on Alec's lap, hidden in his chest to shield myself.
"Uh, yeah. I'm sorry." I half chuckled moving back into my seat, but still held Alec's hand in mine. I went back to center ice and found no Artemi, I glanced around the Blue Jackets side and found him skating closer to where I sit. His gaze landed on my hand in Alec's and he tensed up, his soft eyes turned hard and he turned away from me.
"You want something to drink?" Alec asked. I turned away from Artemi's back and to Alec, he looked down at me with his eyebrow raised.
"Yeah, a beer would be good." I smiled and Alec gave a nod. He stood up from his seat, placing a soft kiss on my forehead, and he walked off. I rose my eyes again and found Artemi staring at us, his eyes catching mine and he looked down at his skates in such sadness that I only saw once when the news came he was traded to Columbus. I brought my phone out and scrolled through instagram in hopes to distract myself from the eyes Artemi have on me, I didn't see him come closer until he tapped against the glass in front of me. I looked up and found him staring at me, my heart beating faster when he talked.
"Meet me after game?" He said looking around not wanting to meet my eyes. I went to say no because my heart couldn't take it, but he then spoke softly in such a heart broken voice.
"Please."
I nodded reluctantly, I could feel the heat rising on my cheeks, and Artemi finally skated away. I let out a large breath of relief, my heart rate still beating fast minutes after the encounter with Artemi.
Alec returned a few minutes later, two beers in his hands and gave one to me before he sat down. I gave a smile in thanks and drank some, I held the beer in my hand and lent into Alec's side when he put his arm over my shoulders again. My thoughts ran wild as I stared out onto the ice, and the number one thought that I keep coming back to,
I still love Artemi.
_ _ _ _ _
The game ended with the Blackhawks winning 5-1 against the away team, Columbus Blue Jackets. Alec and I waited until most of the fans had emptied their seats before we decided to leave, I reluctantly stood up and followed him out of the stands. As I turned around to look at the ice, I saw Artemi walk out of the away tunnel in shorts and the Blue Jackets official jumper. His eyes wondering around the seats and soon his eyes landed on mine, they pleaded for me to stop and I did. Alec felt my hand slip from his and he turned around, his face scrunching up as he wondered why I stopped suddenly.
"What's wrong?" Alec asked.
"I think I left something down by the seats, go on out to the car and I'll meet you there. If I need you, I will call." I told turning back to Alec. He went to protest but I held up my hand, I gave a quick kiss on his cheek and walked slowly down the steps. When I saw Alec walk out, I rushed over to the other side where the team benches are and came up to Artemi.
"You have new boyfriend?" He asked with his voice soft when I reached him.
"Yeah," I nodded. "His name is Alec and he's a really nice guy."
"I'm glad you got somebody good." Artemi said nodding and he looked down at his feet again, like he always does when he gets shy or nervous.
"Yeah." I watched Artemi, he scrunched up his face and then gave a sigh before looking up at me with his blue eyes.
"I am an idiot, I stupid. I didn't mean to say what I said, I was angry and mad at the trade. I believed Chicago was my future, I would stay here and live with you and be with you and marry you. Trade messed it up, messed it up bad. I never stop loving you, I miss you." Artemi confessed his eyes glossing over in tears. I felt my heart rate get faster again, my hands getting clammy at his words.
"Artemi, I miss you too, but you broke up with me and didn't give me a chance to show you that I love you and would risk everything just to be with you." I told leaning my forehead against the glass barrier between Artemi and I.
Artemi gave a sigh and nodded. "I'm sorry for that, I stupid for not believing you. I wish you here with me in Columbus, but you have Alec."
"I don't love him." I confessed aloud for the first time. Artemi looked taken back at my confession, his eyes wide.
"But you date him." Artemi said sounding unsure of why I said what I said.
"I know, I know." I agreed shaking my head. "But I don't love him, I still love you."
Artemi rose his eyes to meet mine, they searched my eyes, and then Artemi spoke. "Come with me to Columbus."
I shook my head, despite my heart screaming to go with him. "I can't, Artemi. Even though I still love you, I can't come with you. My life is here now, I can't just leave."
Artemi gave a solemn nod. "I understand, Y/N. I thought I have chance, but you right, you can't leave."
My heart broke at the hurt in his voice, he looked down at his feet again and I felt my eyes fill with tears.
"I love you, Artemi Panarin. I really do." I told meaning every word of it. Artemi nodded, his eyes not meeting mine.
"я тоже тебя люблю.(I love you too)." Artemi said softly in his native language and I understood what he said. I couldn't stand being here anymore, my heart slowly crumbles back to the way it was when he broke up with me.
"I must go, Alec will be waiting for me. I'm sorry." I whispered not wanting to leave, but also wanting to leave so I can curl into a ball and cry.
Artemi looked up to me, his normal happy eyes are now filled with sadness. "I understand, I miss you lot. See you soon."
"See you soon." I repeated and Artemi gave a nod before walking away.
My body felt numb and dead as I walked out of the arena, my legs have a mind of their own as I found myself walking to where Alec park the car. I saw him waiting for me and I straightened up, I slipped a smile onto my face when I got into the car.
"What took so long?" Alec asked in a worried voice.
"I couldn't find my way out." I chuckled turning my head to the window as a single tear escaped, and rolled down my cheek.
The car was silent on the journey home to my apartment, my thoughts had me elsewhere. Alec took notice of my distance, but didn't say anything as he continued to drive.
When we arrived at my apartment I climbed up the steps to my door with my body still feeling numb, Alec walked in front of me and opened the door when he reached it. I didn't bother to take my shoes off and I continued on walking towards my bedroom, my legs dragged me over to my bed and I collapsed against it. And when the tears started, they didn't stop. I held my pillow close to me, my head burried in another to muffle my sobs from Alec.
My heart still longs for Artemi. Seeing and speaking to him tonight opened fresh wounds on my heart, wounds that I know won't disappear no matter how hard I try to heal them. I thought after the break up I would have wanted new, I would have wanted somebody who can heal what Artemi broke. But instead I don't, I don't want new. I want old. I want Artemi, and I lost my last chance to be with him tonight.
A/N: No school today means I had time to update. I hope this is alright, I know I can do much better.
Anyone else feel sad when the news broke of Artemi's trade? I thought he'd stay with Chicago after the season's he had, but I think he'll do well in Columbus.
Apologies for mistakes and that.
-Lauryn.