--------------------------------------------------------------------------
We are all searching for someone whose demons play well with ours.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"So, the homecoming dance was last Friday," Rachel mentioned as she handed me a dripping wet plate to dry. I took it and swiped the rag I was holding along its surface. We were currently situated in her kitchen, doing the dishes together.
Homecoming was last week. I didn't attend the dance. I was still feeling exhausted and somewhat down thus forcing my body into a dress and dancing was the farthest thing from my mind. No matter how many times Courtney or Sophie begged me to go I wouldn't budge. Besides, it's not like they couldn't have fun without me, more like the opposite actually.
Apart from that, I didn't have a date. Sam and I'd talked about it before, turns out, neither of us was big on dances, so we skipped. Not that, being dateless was anything new to me.
If I had gone to the dance though I'd have probably just moped around, sitting off to the side feeling cranky. I preferred being a party pooper at home than on a party.
I did, however, attend the game. As part of the team I had to show some spirit, right?
"I didn't go."
"Yeah," she said, hands busy underwater. "Sophie told me as much." I frowned. Then why ask? "Why didn't you though? I'm sure my nephew would have been happy to take you."
So that was the reason. She was trying to play matchmaker between me and Ryan. I'd noticed it before, a few comments or suggestions here or there, but I always thought I'd imagined it. She probably didn't know I had a boyfriend.
I shrugged. "I wasn't feeling up to it. Besides, both my boyfriend and I kinda have two left feet. So, dances aren't really our thing."
I could have sworn her grip on a dish slipped when I mentioned Sam. She turned to me, eyes wide in surprise. "You are... in a relationship?"
"Err, yeah," I said, setting the plate aside and grabbing the next. Was it that hard to believe?
I could almost see her brain working, trying to make sense of the new information, while her eye lenses raced to one side and then the other. All she said was, "I see," before she turned back to the work at hand.
From there on out she was silent for the most part. Occasionally asking questions about Sam and me like how long we've been together. I'm not gonna lie, it was pretty awkward after that. The tension in the room had me nervously shifting from foot to foot every now and then.
When all was done and I was allowed to vanish I almost breathed out in relief. Then, halfway to the door, she called me back. So close to freedom. Reluctantly, I turned around. "Yeah?"
She stepped closer like she didn't want someone else to hear as she said softly, "I'm worried about him."
My shoulders slumped forward. It didn't take a genius to know who she was talking about and, honestly, we were on the same page. Ryan hadn't been his true self ever since a few weeks ago. He seemed distant, guarding himself with everything he had. Also, he was drinking. Often. A time or two, I caught him being intoxicated in school, not strong enough that it was noticeable to most, but if you were close to him you knew. I'd already taken him aside to ask about it, but every time I did, I got a clipped reply in an irritated tone, seeming like he needed to keep himself from snapping at me.
This was partly the reason why I was here today, to spend time with him. Maybe he would be comfortable enough to confide in me if I devoted some of my free time to my childhood friend. Even if it didn't work, at least, he would have less time to get drunk.
"Me too." I was worried about Ryan and I didn't seem to be the only one.
She grabbed my hands, hers still warm from the soapy water. "Liz, can you please talk to him?"
I already tried, I wanted to say, but her eyes were pleading for me to help. And I was weak. "I'll try."
Her eyes warmed again. "Thank you." She seemed to be on the verge of hugging me.
I gave her a small smile before stepping back and leaving the room through the swinging doors. I sighed.
I was afraid that digging deeper wasn't going to help his case. I'd tried before and to me, it didn't seem that he wanted to share. It was his right and I could understand where he was coming from, more than anyone. Sometimes, although hard for me to accept, you couldn't help. Sometimes it was better to be left alone to cope with things. Most times, people couldn't understand what you are going through anyway.
But sometimes being left alone with your own thoughts, your own mind, could destroy you. And I did not want to collect the debris that Ryan once was.
I found him outside, standing under the canopy with his back leaning against the wall, a cigarette between his lips. I stepped onto the patio, pulling my cardigan closer around me as the cold wind nipped at my form.
I'd heard that he was smoking, but I'd never actually seen him smoke in front of me. He glanced at me before taking a drag. "Is the goody two-shoes gonna lecture me?" he asked, his tone gruff, his eyes somewhere fixed on a point in the distance. I tried not to frown at the way he was acting. He'd been like this for far too long already.
I eyed his cigarette. I didn't have anything against people smoking unless they overdid it. I myself wasn't particularly a fan of death sticks, never tried it and hopefully never will, but to each their own I guess.
"You should know better." I walked up to him and settled down next to him, mirroring his posture.
"Smoking-"
"That's not what I meant." I gave him a pointed look and he actually made eye contact with me. He should know better than to think I'd scold him for something that was his decision. I never reprimanded him for his drinking before. Neither did I do this to any of my other friends.
What right did I have telling people what to do? It was their choice, their life, they didn't need my approval. I'd only step in if it was getting out of hand and they actually needed help until then I'd lay low.
He grunted in reply before turning back to his cigarette. We stood in silence for a moment, with him smoking and me shivering beside him. "You know," I said before he could walk away once he stomped on the cigarette, "I'm not gonna ask what's going on." Another grunt. "I just want you to know that you won't get rid of me." That actually made him look down at me. However, I didn't dare clash gazes with him. "You can push me and everyone else around you away however much you desire, but you're not gonna scare me away, Ryan. I'm stubborn I won't let you go that easily. It doesn't mean I have to like your behavior, but I'm not giving up. You wanted me in your life, you wanted my friendship, and now you have to deal with it, because you won't get rid of me." Friendship was the most important thing for me. My friends were all that mattered. They were my family and family always comes first.
This time I did look up. Something must have slipped through a crack in his armor, because he seemed to have a hard time battling some emotions and keeping his guard up. He was staring down at me, but he didn't really see me. I watched his Adam's apple move as he swallowed.
"I don't want that," he said quietly.
"No? Because that's hard to believe by the way you're acting." I watched him gulp again. "But I know that you're going through something and I understand if you don't want to talk about it." I would be a hypocrite if I forced him to open up to me. "You know," I said, gaze averted, pulling my cardigan tighter around me. "The two of us are more similar than you think."
He snorted in an annoyed way. "I highly doubt that you know how fucked up I am."
I smiled a little, a lack of amusement in my expression, as I gave a small shake of my head. "You really have no idea."
"Oh, please, Bee-"
"Alex," I snapped harshly as my gaze collided with his. "You have no idea."
The mention of his birth name shut him up pretty quickly. He knew that I was serious. He had to know by the way my voice turned hard. He studied me intently like he could see all the way down to my soul and figure out what was behind that statement.
"You have your own demons, Alex, I understand that." I shook my head at him. "But don't go around assuming that everyone's life around you is just so much better. We all have our battles to fight, some worse than others, but you can't compare them. You can't compare the pain, all the hurt in this world." And because my hormones were still fucking with me I choked on the last word, my eyes tearing up.
Instantly, I looked some place else, trying to blink away the tears while I mentally cursed my body.
"Bee?" I didn't look at him even though his voice sounded vulnerable, unsure of himself. "Bee, please."
"Alex, you might have been battling with something ever since your childhood, and I'm not gonna belittle your situation, because what you're going through is horrible, but that does not mean that you're the only one having a hard time-" My voice broke and I stopped as the tears came back.
"Bee, hey," his voice sounded stronger now as he turned me to face him, cupping my cheek. As I looked up into his eyes I saw his real self come to the surface. It seemed that my vulnerability got his own back. He leaned forward and let his forehead rest against my own. "Tell me," he pressed. It didn't go past me how hypocritical he sounded. I shook my head, my eyes closed. I couldn't tell him, it was easier to keep it all in. I trusted him, but I didn't want him to think of me as weak neither did I want him to run from me.
"Bee." When I opened my eyes next, I saw the hurt in his gaze and the oncoming tears. "I think I need some help. Will you help me?"
I reached out and brushed the back of my fingers against his cheek. He let out a deep breath at the gesture. "Always."
Unexpectedly, he broke down right then and there. Tears escaped his eyes as a sob tore from his throat. My chest tightened at the sight. Instantly, I got on my tiptoes and threw my arms around his neck. He clung to me, his shoulders were shaking under my touch. The heart-wrenching sobs tearing from his throat stabbed at my heart as I was holding him in a tight embrace. "I'm so tired, Bee," he said before he buried his face in the crook of my neck.
I let my hands stroke through his hair in an attempt to sooth him some more. I didn't know if his statement was meant to be figurative or literal, nonetheless, I didn't ask I just held onto him. "It's okay." I pulled back and kissed his scrubby cheek. The action just made his grip tighten further around me.
We stayed that way for a long time, but I didn't mind, he needed this. I never pulled away from him, not when his tears on my skin caused me goosebumps and made me shiver, not when the wind picked up and the rain started, not when I was numb with coldness, because he needed me to hold onto him. I needed to make sure he knew I wouldn't let go of him, that he could count on me.
Eventually, when his tears stopped and his sobs turned to breaths he spoke, "I'm not sure how I was able to stay sane for so long without you."
At his words, my heart stopped before it started to race in my chest. I didn't know how to feel about this. Did he say it in a normal, friendship sort of way? Hopefully, because the aching need in his voice scared me.
Abruptly, he pulled back and frowned down at me. I panicked. Did he notice my body had tensed? "You are cold." I couldn't help but feel relieved that he didn't catch my reaction. He saw that I was shaking and now that he mentioned it, I felt it too. "Let's get you inside." He grabbed my hand and pulled me into his home, up the stairs and into his room where he handed me one of his sweatshirts. It warmed me up in a matter of minutes, however, his scent was all over the cloth and I couldn't understand how easily it comforted me. Before this moment I didn't even know that I needed consolation. The warm fabric somehow had the ability to soothe my nerves.
"Hey, uh, Alex?" I caught his attention. "Maybe this is not a good time, but I still have a few questions regarding... uh, the things you told me."
He nodded, a grave expression plastered on his face. "Of course." He walked to the side of his bed and plopped down before patting the space next to him.
I acted upon the gesture and took a seat next to him. "Umm," I cleared my throat, the look on his face making me nervous. I didn't want him to feel worse than he already did. "We don't have to if you don't-" I cut myself off when he shot me a pointed look. His eyes were still a little red and his cheeks seemed unnaturally flushed. "Okay," I sighed. "Why didn't you tell me before. You know, about Alex."
He briefly glanced at me before his gaze wandered down to his hands, lying in his lap. "I was... scared, I guess."
I cocked my head to the side. "Scared how?"
He took a deep breath before continuing. "When I made that deal with you I wanted you to see the real me. Not the immature player the rumors made up, not the idiot I became throughout the years, I wanted you to see what's left of me. The me that you see right now, not the reckless jerk you've witnessed throughout the past weeks.
"I highly doubt that you would have cared if I told you in the beginning. You weren't a big fan of me, understandably so."
"But why now of all times? Why didn't you try to get to know me sooner?"
"Uh, well," he said, scratching the back of his neck. "There was always the possibility that you wouldn't remember me." He looked at me. "Which you didn't," he pointed out.
I frowned. "Yeah, I actually figured out why."
"Really?"
"Ask your uncle about it. He can explain it better."
For a moment, I thought he might protest, but then he just nodded. "And well, besides the obvious, I needed to work on myself before I approached you. I wasn't in the right mindset then."
I nodded. It made sense that he wasn't ready to confront his past if his mental health wasn't stable enough. Bringing up painful things from your past could take a lot out of you.
"You said you changed your name when you were little," I said. He nodded in confirmation. "But I noticed that your family still calls you Alex. Well, at least, in private."
He smiled a little at that. "When I was a kid I refused to be called anything other than my birth name. I was six and after my parents' death, I didn't understand the world. I couldn't wrap my head around all the changes that happened. I was confused and mad... at my family as well as the world.
"So, because of my refusal aunt Rachel came up with an idea to convince me." Another smile. "She told me that I was a spy and my identity had to stay a secret. So, to the outside world and when we were in public I was Ryan Johnson, but at home, I was Alexander Jones."
My lips curled up as well, more at the happy twinkle in his eyes than at the story itself.
"So, I guess we work for the same agency then," I teased. He tilted his head in confusion. "You know, since Jo and you are the only ones calling me Bee, plus I noticed that you basically always call me Liz when we're in public."
His eyes widened in realization then he laughed. "Yeah, I guess, we do. Oh boy, you're right, old habits die hard, I guess."
I smiled as well and hugged myself closer, letting his scent wash over my senses. When I looked up my gaze caught onto the book for literature on his nightstand. My smile widened as an idea crept into my brain. "Before you said you are tired." He nodded when I looked back at him. "Sleepy tired or sick of the world tired."
He thought about it a minute. "Basically both, but definitely sleepy tired." I grinned at him. He narrowed his eyes at me, but couldn't help the smile. "What?"
"I have an idea that could help you sleep."
He raised his brows at me. "Which is?"
"Lie down." He did as I told him and my heart warmed a little at his action, at how easily he trusted me. I grabbed his book and settled down next to him. "I'm gonna read to you and you try to fall asleep or at least relax." He eyed me skeptically, but went along with it. "I'm said to have a soporific voice. The trick is not to listen to the words I'm reading out loud to you, but solely for my voice."
Well, it did work for Jo and Logan. It wouldn't hurt to try.
He closed his eyes and scooted a little closer to me. I opened the book at a random page and started reading the next scene. After each scene, I peeked at him to see if he was asleep. And soon enough the mission was accomplished. I was in the middle of a sentence when he rolled closer to me, threw his arm around my hips and placed his head on my stomach. Momentarily, I froze before relaxing again when I realized he was indeed asleep. Without me actually being aware of doing it, I reached out and brushed my fingers gently through his hair. The action made him snuggle further into my touch.
My lips curved up at the cute gesture before I turned back to the book. I figured making sure he stayed asleep was important so I read him some more and before I knew it, hours had passed and my dad arrived to pick me up.
I was relieved that I managed to get through to Alex even when I needed to be weak once more in front of him. I could deal with the weakness if that meant I got his real self back and, more importantly, if he got his real self back.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey guys
Wow, this chapter turned out way different than I first wanted it to be. It actually started out as a Slam chappy, but then Ryan needed my attention more and I thought what the heck my bae is hurting and Slam got the last chapter all for themselves anyway.
So, yeah, any guesses why Ryan's acting the way he is/was?
Next up will probably be a Slam chapter, but no promises.
Please comment/vote?
Hugs and kisses
Kathy