Ariana's POV
9:05. It's currently 9:05 in the morning. I don't understand how that's even possible since I could have sworn it was 9:04 like ten minutes ago. I let out a sigh as I continue to lay in bed and just watch the time roll by. I carefully turn my head to look at the other side of my bed. I see Ricky laying there fast asleep. I try not to think about what happened last night but it's almost impossible. I didn't want to say anything, I shouldn't have said anything. But it was all I could think about, his lips tasted so sweet, it was her lipstick, I don't know the exactly colour or brand but I could tell it was something sexy and elegant, something only someone beautiful and classy could pull off, I'm sure it's hard not to love her. Her. I don't even know who she is. But I'm sure she's perfect. I don't know what Ricky's gonna do when he wakes up, I pray he doesn't leave me. I could care less if he kisses her, I need him, I deserve him. Or at least someone like him. This would all have been so much easier if I didn't go to the kitchen, if I didn't kiss him, if I had just kept my mouth shut.
I turn back around and look at the clock once again. 9:06. only a minutes gone by, I feel so anxious, I just want to fast forward into the future to where we can pretend like everything's fine, I just need that to be our future. I release another deep sigh before finally getting out of bed and heading towards the bathroom. I quietly wash my face and brush my teeth, I put my hair up in a ponytail and look in the mirror. I stare up at my reflection for a minute, sometimes it feels like I'm not even looking at myself. It's hard to imagine me smiling, it's hard to imagine me writing jokes or making other people laugh because I can't remember the last time I truly did. But just last week I was on stage performing in sketches that I had wrote on live television in front of the entire country on Saturday Night Live. We're on a two week break but next week I'll be doing the exact same thing.
My reflection looks so strange, so far out of reach, I look the same but it doesn't feel like it. That thought freaks me out too much and I quickly look down at my bathroom counter and begin to scan across it until I come across my makeup bag I decide to rummage through it and put on as much as I can while trying to still look pretty natural. I usually don't wear makeup on lazy days like today or really any day where I'm not doing anything related to my job. But I don't know. It sounds crazy but I'm hoping it'll keep Ricky with me. I want him to think I'm beautiful, I want him to think I'm not worth leaving, even though I am.
After about fifteen minutes I step out of the bathroom and head for the kitchen. I'm not too hungry so I just grab a granola bar from the cabinet and head to my living room to sit and eat as I use my phone. I try to take my mind off everything by scrolling through social media but I find myself just opening a bunch of apps and then closing them, and then opening them again. Eventually I give up and just drop my phone in my lap. I stare blankly at the wall, part of me wants to figure out what exactly I'm doing, I feel like I've jumped off the deep end but I'm self aware enough to realize the damage I'm causing. But, another part of me just wants me to keep going, like I deserve this and any attempt to change would be hopeless because this is how my life should be.
I think back to the first day I met Ricky, he was auditioning to be a background dancer for one of the sketches that I was in and that Kate McKinnon wrote. It never made it to air but, I remember seeing one of the wardrobe girls putting him in one of the most ridiculous outfits I had ever seen and I couldn't help but burst out laughing. I immediately caught his attention and he decided to poke fun at himself to make me laugh. We went out to lunch later that day, he was sweet, I remember laughing a lot. We started officially dating soon after that. I don't love him. I don't think I ever did, and I don't think I ever will. But I'm okay with that, I don't want to be in love but I also don't want to be alone. I use to be so independent when I was younger but ever since my last boyfriend when I felt what it was like to be apart of something, to be with someone I realized I wanted that, I don't want to spend my life alone. But my last relationship also taught me how messed up love can get, I was so in love it made me feel crazy, it felt physically painful at times, any lie or secret could leave me shattered into a million pieces and I never want that ever again. What I have with Ricky fits that, he's there for me, I can talk to him, I can go for walks and out to dinner with him, I can cuddle him and watch TV, without the constant fear that he doesn't love me, or that he's keeping something from me. In fact I know that he is, I know he had a crush on a girl before he met me, I know that he still thinks about her. But I don't care, as long as he's with me, as long as he chooses me, everything will be fine.
But I'm falling apart. I'm trying so hard to make myself feel happy, this is what I wanted. This is why I broke up with my last boyfriend, Harry, I still think about him. I think I might still even love him. But I broke up with him. I broke up with him because I wanted a relationship like the one I have now but I only feel worse. I feel worthless, pathetic, and stupid. And I can't help but treat myself like I am too. I mean I really screwed up. I ruined the greatest thing I ever had, I ruined the most pure, and beautiful relationship ever because I was afraid of feeling such intense, passionate, emotions. I guess in the end I deserve this. I deserve Ricky, I deserve him lying to me, and cheating. If I can't accept someone who was faithful and caring then I guess this is what I need.
I know that kind of thought process is destructive and unhealthy but I can't help it. Who knows, maybe one day in the future, things will work out with Ricky and I'll be thankful that I stayed, even if right now I feel like crap.
After a couple of minutes I hear Ricky's footsteps make their way out of my bedroom. I try and grab my phone to pretend like I'm actually doing something other than staring at the wall but I physically can't, I just sit there, completely frozen. I wouldn't say I'm scared of Ricky or anything, I think I'm more terrified of the conversation that we're bound to have now that last night happened. I hear him walk closer to me and I can't even turn to face him.
"Ari" he says softly as he sits on the couch next to mine. "Can we talk about this?" he asks and I force myself to turn to face him, I don't really wanna talk and I'm also not mad about what he did, I don't care enough to be mad and so I don't want him to think that I'm mad. "I'm really sorry, I was stupid, I was drinking, and it didn't even mean anything. Please forgive me, seriously it didn't mean anything" he repeats.
"Do you love her?" I ask while tilting my head as if I will suddenly get a much better look at him. I watch as his eyes widen, he can blame it on drinking and I'll let him get away with it. He doesn't know that I know this isn't the first time.
"What? Who? The girl I kissed? Ari no of course not!" he says. He's lying. I can see it in his eyes, he's acting like she's just 'some girl' like he's never met her before, but I know he has.
"Do you love me?" I ask as I stare into his eyes, his beautiful brown eyes. I'm nervous for his answer. I really want to stay with him, and if he doesn't say yes it's gonna be hard, if not impossible to make this work. I wonder if he genuinely wants to be with me, I mean if he doesn't this is an easy way out. It's hard to imagine why he'd want to stay, I think he believes in love and it's hard to imagine him thinking that this is love. I mean I do care about him, and I do treat him with respect, and try and make him laugh, and give him big hugs but there's definitely no real connection. I've never really fully opened up to him, but maybe he doesn't realize, maybe he thinks this is something bigger than it truly is.
"Of course I do Ari! More than anything, it was a mistake and I promise it won't happen again. Please don't let me go" he says. It's funny, I bet if I loved him all of this would sound so romantic it would drive me crazy trying to figure out if he genuinely meant it, if he really cared about me as much as I cared about him. I prefer this much more, no emotional mind games being played, no investment, he just sounds corny and even a little confusing, 'don't let me go' what does he mean? I told him last night that everything was fine. We clearly don't see eye to eye. I can't help but laugh, this is all so silly and stupid but at least it's one less thing to stress about in life. "What's so funny?" he asks looking a bit confused.
"Nothing, it's silly. I shouldn't be mad, we love each other, I'm not gonna let something so small, and stupid ruin everything" I lie and he smiles as he let's out a sigh of relief as well. He moves over to me and wraps his arms around me pushing me down as he lays on top of me planting me with kisses as I laugh. As crazy as it sounds, I do appreciate our relationship it may lack an emotional connection but I do feel fine, and I do think it's what I deserve.
Author's Note: Hey guys, I know that Ricky probably isn't this bad in real life, but that's the kind of character that I have decided to go with for this story! I'm sure you all already realize that but I just wanted to say it myself in case anyone was confused.