You stared at the mug that stood in front of you on the coffee table, the hot beverage having gotten cold long ago. What was it again? Jody had offered it to you but you didn't even remember what you told her, your thoughts were clouding your vision the entire time. You knew Dean was upstairs with Mary, probably talking to her. You didn't know if he was trying to explain to her what was going on. But if he was you were sure he would have been having a really hard time. You couldn't comprehend what was happening on the first place yourselves, how could you explain it to a little girl? Gosh, she must have been so confused and maybe scared. That was not the way you wanted it to happen, not that you had ever thought it would, but she was only a little child. How could she take all of this?
You couldn't even begin to think how Dean would be feeling at the moment either. You knew very well that his emotions just like yours would be mixed. On one hand his brother, the one he loved more than anything, was back from the dead. But on the other hand he was the father of the child he considered as his, the child he raised as his own, and... the man you loved way before him and for much longer.
As far as Sam was concerned, well, the last time you saw him it was on the living room after... Mary called Dean "dad". You knew that no matter what was going to happen after this, you would never forget the look you saw on the younger Winchester's face. It was going to hunt not only your days but also your dreams, that much you were sure about. You couldn't clearly describe it, not entirely. You knew that he was heartbroken but you couldn't exactly grasp the extend to which he was hurting. You probably didn't even want to imagine how much he would be suffering at hearing his own child, his first and only child, call another man that was actually his brother her dad.
As that your mind raced back to the moment you opened the door and came face to face with the man you loved more than anything but considered to belong ago dead.
-Flashback-
"Sam" you breathed out, your heart leaping to your throat. It came as a statement but not a conscious one, almost like a reflex before you could realize it. Because for all you knew it could be a demon parading in your... boyfriend's body. Gosh the mere thought felt so foreign all of a sudden.
"H-Hey baby." his voice sounded a little more hoarse than it usually would but not really different than what you remembered.
"You-" your vision started getting blury as obviously tears welled up in your eyes. You took in the state he was in and you guessed that he'd taken a stop by the bunker or something and cleaned himself up. Being unable to really say goodbye at first you had not burned his body, only buried it close to the bunker where you could visit him as often as you could.
Your lower lip was trembling as your mouth was slightly open, wanting but not being able to phrase the right words. Until your hunter's instincts kicked in and you clenched your jaw and your look hardened. Sam's own smile flattered as he saw the look on your face. If it really was him, or even a demon, he'd know what was going through your mind at that very moment.
"N-no! No, no (Y/n) I'm not-" before he had the chance to do anything you slammed the door shut in his face.
"(Y/n)!" he knocked on the door as you whiped your tears away furiously "(Y/n), open up. (Y/n)! (Y/n), please baby. It's me."
"I don't know what sick game you're playing-" you growled as you heard Dean get closer to you "But I want you to know that using my dead boyfriend's body as a meatsuit is not something I'll let slip." you whiped your tears angrily as you searched for the gun. You knew you had one close anyway.
"What?" Dean breathed out behind you and you turned to look at him with tears in your eyes, most probably red too. You knew your hands were shaking and Dean took notice of it.
He took in the sigh you were in and once he heard more pounding on the door and the all too familiar voice his jaw clenched and he was instantly in hunter mood. You'd been out of it for quiet some time but that didn't mean any of you forgot it, it just ran in your blood. You couldn't stop being hunters, not when you grew up as that and it was all you knew. He grabbed your arm and pushed you behind him protectively as with a small growl he opened a drawer and pulled his gun from under some books you'd put there in case Mary opened it. You didn't want her to come face to face with a gun, much less have to know about your past. Not until she was ready.
"Stay behind me." he said in almost a growl and handed you another one and you took it shakily.
"Hey-" he started, holding your hands softly but firmly.
"Dean? Dean! It's me, really. Please open up." Sam's voice sounded in exactly the same way he'd call out to his brother and Dean glanced at the door for a moment almost believing it was really Sam. But he proceeded to purse his lips and shake his head.
He looked back at you as he followed to cup your cheek "Stay calm, please." he said softly to you, kissing your forehead "I got this."
He turned to the door and held the gun in front of him, ready to open the door. Even if it wasn't Sam you weren't going to let a demon just use his body or whatever other monster use his face and walk around so easily. Needless to say, and you really didn't know how to feel about it, he actually... was Sam.
Your Sam.
He didn't do anything, he only raised his hands in surrender. Didn't even fight and both you and Dean got a little more suspicious when he walked over the devil's trap you had under the doormat. But still you wouldn't let anything show, it could be a shapeshifter for all you knew. But Dean did the tests, all of them and you were there. Watching carefully as moment after moment he passed each and every one of them. And his eyes were constantly on you. Even when you decided not to look their way you could feel his eyes on you, making you shiver in a way that you knew all too well.
And when you looked at him and your eyes would lock you'd swear for a moment that it was indeed Sam. You only pushed it away as your own wishful thinking and your emotions taking over. You wanted to look away but for some reason you couldn't. Your heart was hammering inside your chest, you could even hear the blood pumping in your veins when you stared at him. Your hands were shaking, hell your entire body was, and the temperature seemed to be getting higher with each minute passing. Sam's eyes lingered on you the way he'd always look at you, one more sign that made you think it was him. It was that intimate, shy, sweet and loving way he'd look at you every morning you woke up next to him.
It made you shift in your seat and look away, sighing heavily as you ran a hand through your hair. Dean of course picked up on it, looking at you without your realizing it. His own face was slightly crestfallen as he stared between you and his brother before clearing his throat and focusing on his task.
When all of it was over Dean started asking him questions only the real Sam could know... and that was when it started downing on you.
"Sammy?" Dean breathed out as tears welled up in his eyes when he looked up at his younger brother he thought he'd lost for good this time.
"Hey Dean" a smile broke on Sam's face, he too emotional as the two brothers didn't hesitate a moment to hug each other. You saw as they both closed their eyes and squeezed each other, an almost sob leaving Sam's lips and you placed a hand over your mouth more tears welling up in your eyes. No matter how messed up the situation was you couldn't help but feel happy that they had each other again.
You knew how much Sam matter to Dean and vice versa, and even if there were a lot of problems to face , the fact thatthey had each other was more important than anything. You ha suffered a lot yourself when Sam died but that didn't mean you had not seen how much it hurt Dean. It tore him apart on the inside and it was much obvious. When Dean thought that you were sleeping you'd actually walk out of your bedroom to find him drinking, already having finished half a whiskey bottle, as he looked through some photos of his with Sam and other people you loved.
You knew he tried to occupy himself with taking care of you and you knew he tried to seem like he was doing alright mostly for the sake of your health and for your unborn child. But you could see right through him. No matter how different he was in some things with Sam there were still a few things they were very alike. And one of them was just what gave you the chance to read him like an open book. And you could see that he was not himself when he lost Sam. He was broken, maybe more so than you. And you knew he blamed himself. Taking care of Sam was his sole life purpose and he felt like he had failed in it, like he had failed his brother.
So now that he had him back it was obvious to you that he felt a weight lift off his shoulders.
"What?" Sam whispered as he looked at you, making you blink and come back to reality "No welcome back hug?" he asked with a soft smile, tears welled up in his eyes as well.
You hesitated as you looked at him, finally taking in everything about him because, and it downed on you like a ton of bricks, this was really Sam. Your Sam. The one you thought you lost but was really standing in front of you. The father of your daughter. The man you loved for so many years and saved your life in more than one ways, not always necessarily with guns. You glanced for a moment at Dean who seemed a little more eager to see what you would do than Sam, probably because he knew a few more things that Sam didn't.
And maybe your mind and part of your heart knew that whatever happened after this would hurt the older Winchesterbut you couldn't help every other instinct in you that screamed for Sam. His death had been so sudden you didn't even have time to say goodbye and now you had him back. Almost as if these past years had not happened – almost – you took a few tentative steps closer to Sam. Hesitant at first but in the end fast as you crashed in his arms and he didn't even think about enveloping you in his.
You clenched the fabric of his flannel in your fists, only taking a glimpse at Dean who closed his eyes and turned around to not look at you, before you closed your eyes and buried your face in Sam's chest. He as well buried his face in the crook of your neck the way he always did, and ran his fingers through your hair as he pecked your cheek almost without realizingit. He hugged you more tightly to himself and you took a deep breath in, letting the tears roll as the all-too-familiar smell invaded you. It was really Sam.
He was back.
-End of Flashback-
"(Y/n)?" it was Jody's voice, and as a hand was placed on your shoulder you blinked.
"Yeah?" you looked up at her, your head pounding from the mere movement.
"Do you want me to make something else? Some tea probably?" she asked softly and you bit your lip looking back down at the mug, shaking your head.
"No, Jody. I'm not really-" you swallowed the lump in your throat "I'm not really in the mood for anything." you mumbled and she let a soft sigh as she sat next to you.
"(Y/n)" she placed a hand on top of yours and gave you a squeeze as you shut your eyes, trying to fight back the tears "Sam's just sitting in the living room not saying a thing. He's... looking at a photo of Mary and you. Did you tell him that...?" she trailed off, looking at you although you shook your head.
"No, I couldn't find it in myself. The fact that Mary called Dean-" you almost choked on a sob "Her 'dad' is too much to take already."
"But- but what does he know?"
-Flashback-
"Is that- is that her?" Sam's voice was low as you placed a beer on the coffee table and walked towards him holding a framed picture of Mary.
"Yeah" you couldn't stop a smile at the sight of your daughter, she was only one year old in the picture "We- we are at Jody's here actually. Alex and Claire love her to death already, I think she won over their hearts from the first minute."
"With a smile that's exactly like her mother's, I wouldn't doubt it for a second." he breathed out with a smile, looking back at you.
Dean was currently not in the living room, actually house in general, because a neighbor had asked for his help on fixing his car and you could sense for a moment that he really wanted the excuse. Probably the way Sam looked at you, with the same love and adoration just like all those years ago before he died, has been too much for him. You couldn't blame him. He was in love with his brother's...girlfriend? You didn't know if you were that anymore. It always bothered him, he felt like he betrayed Sam in some way, but now that Sam was actually back and it was obvious how much he still loved you-how could Dean feel?
"Ye-yeah, I guess." you mumbled, opting to look at the picture "But she's taken a lot after you too." you added with a soft shrug and glancing at him you saw a fond smile on "There are times I look at her, or hear her talk and I swear- God, I swear it feels like I have a mini female Sam in front of me." you breathed out and he left a small chuckle as he looked with glossy eyes at the brunette little girl.
"I can't wait to meet her." he breathed out "Gosh I was so nervous just thinking about it. I was at the bunker,cleaning myself up and I- I couldn't stop thinking about her. I tried to picture her in my mind. I thought about her all the time, how she'd look what she'd be like, even her voice, as I was driving here." he let out a shaky breath, rubbing his eyes "Do you-do you think she'll like me? I mean, I practically know nothing about her so I- I don't know what to do in front of her. How am I supposed to act?" his voice was a little shaky as he breathed out the words with an awkward smile.
You smiled softly "You don't have to worry Sam, she's just a kid. Obviously the most beautiful one you've seen in your life-" you said in a proud mom voice and he grinned softly "But- you'll do it. She's a really sweet girl, you'll see that for yourself." you ran your fingers over her image in the photo "She's a little shy but once she opens up to you she will practically not let you go. You just need to be a little cautious when first approaching her but there is not something to really keep in mind about not saying."
"What hobbies does she have? Does she like som specific kind of music already? Does she like some specific kind of food? Does she like stories? What games does she like to play? Does she have a favorite color? Does she get intimidated easily? Does she-"
You couldn't help but giggle at how fast and nervously he asked the questions "Sam" it almost felt weird saying this after so many years "You don't have to worry about her, just give her that characteristic Winchester smile and I'm sure she will be all over you in seconds. And once she gets to like you, I swear you will never need anything else. She's so giving and caring, it surprises me for her age."
"Well, she obviously took after you." he breathed out, looking down at you as you felt his fingers brush yours and you pulled your hand away, almost a little too fast. Just the way you had done when he had tried to kiss your lips and you had turned your head. You couldn't do that, just no.
"She's your daughter too, she's a Winchester. I guess it's in her blood." you mumbled with a shrug.
"That or- you've been an amazing mother so far." he said softly and you smiled almost a little shyly until of course he uttered more words "Does she- does she know about me?"
And there it was. The question you dreaded but knew would come sooner or later.
"Sam" you whispered, wrapping your arms around your waist "It's- not that easy."
"What do you mean?" he frowned, looking at you with a head tilt.
"Lots of things have changed." you mumbled looking around you "We took this house for a reason. Dean wanted her to have a normal childhood and I- I agreed. She never- we never told her a thing about what goes bump in the night but have always been extra careful, obviously. She's innocent and I want it to be like that for as long as possible. I wanted that from the first moment and Dean- he thought of this." you motioned around you before finally looking him in the eyes "We've- We've quit hunting, Sam."
"What?" he breathed out in shock and you couldn't blame him. It was something you always talked about Sam, even before you got pregnant, but you were the one too scared to take the next step because it either made things seem like they were serious – and falling in love, even if you already had, was not something hunters did – or would probably fail and you wished deep down it wouldn't because you actually... wanted it.
"Wa-wait, (Y/n)-" he blinked shaking his head as obviously lots of thoughts ran through his head "Have you... talked to her about me?"
-End of Flashback-
"Not much" you mumbled with a shake of your head.
"Are you going to?" she whispered and you looked at her.
"Can I keep it really a secret?" you asked back bitterly and she sighed with a nod of her head.
"And- Mary?"
"Well, I don't know what Dean is telling her right now and she- She deserves to know, that I am sure about, but Jody I don't know how- how will I ever be able to explain it to her? And how will she take it? She's just a child." you almost choked on a sob as you buried your face in your hands.
"(Y/n)-" she started but you shook your head, sniffling.
"Can you- can you do me a favor Jody?" you whispered and she nodded her head "Can you go see how she is? I know Dean is with her but I just-"
"I know, mom thing." she said with a soft smile, having gotten used to all of this by now.
And no sooner had she left than you dared yourself to get up and take slow steps in the living room,finding Sam actually looking at a picture of Mary. One in which you were actually included, along with Dean. Almost like a perfect little family. It was that picture that made you realize everything about your feelings for Dean as well as how important he was in Mary's life. You didn't even make a single sound to make your presence known but you knew that he had long ago realized you were standing there. It broke you ten times worse than you thought to see him like this. He stared at the picture with such pain but at the same time he looked so tired, almost numb.
"She called him dad." he said in a low almost rough voice and biting your lip you sat next to him. The kind of warmth his body radiated always seemed different than that of Dean's.
"She doesn't know-"
"She called him dad." he said more firmly this time, cutting you off, as he gritted his teeth.
You tried to fight the tears for a moment "He raised her like a father, Sam." you whispered.
Sam scoffed bitterly, shaking his head as he closed his watery eyes "So that makes her her father all of a sudden?" he asked, although this time his voice held no anger; only pain.
"He raised her Sam." you emphasized as he looked at you "If it wasn't for Dean she wouldn't have been born in the first place and I- I probably wouldn't be here to talk to you." your voice turned into a whisper and fear laced his features for a moment.
"Your death took a toll on me,I wouldn't eat or sleep for days. I almost- I did end up on the hospital, Sam." you confessed as you heard him take in a sharp breath "Please don't put the blame on him, not when he was the one to save me."
"So you decided to not tell her a thing about me?" he asked, looking back at the picture "Let her know- think that Dean is... her father. Dean? Dean, (Y/n)? My brother?" he asked looking back again at you. You couldn't even look him in the eyes. You knew he didn't deserve this, you were absolutely sure he'd be an amazing father if he had the chance to butDean was-
"Sam you know I-"
"I know what?" he cut you off, clearly hurt "I don't seem to know a thing, (Y/n). I come back and everything I knew had come upside down. The only thing I was sure about, my daughter-My daughter, (Y/n), not Dean's, doesn't even know who her real father is. She doesn't even know the man she calls dad is her uncle and her real father is someone else. Hell does she even know Dean had a brother? I bet no. Then- Tell me: what exactly do I know?"
"We didn't really decide about it. It just- it happened. Her first words were-" you instantly stopped yourself, biting the inside of your cheek as you felt Sam's eyes burned through your skull. You cursed at yourself for letting it slip.
"Her first word was dad... to Dean?" of course Sam was no fool and immediately understood it.
"She was just a baby, Sam. She- Dean was the only man she met as- as a father figure. He was the one constantly by her side when- when she'd wake up in the middle of the night and- and I just- I didn't have the strength to tell her otherwise. We- How could I know you'd come back? I just-I was going to tell her but I needed her to be older to understand." you fidgeted with your hands as he shook his head.
"She doesn't even know I exist, (Y/n)." he almost choked "She looked at me and asked who I am. Has she even seen a picture of me in the first place?" he asked and you didn't dare look at him.
"Right" he scoffed, running a hand through his hair "That's what I thought." and placed the photo on the coffee table as he slumped back in the couch.
"Sam-" you started but what could you really tell him? There was only one thing and you sure as hell were not going to say that you and Dean were-
"Can I ask you something?" he said a little bitterly as he looked at you, cutting you off. You bit your lip but didn't take your eyes off him, nodding your head.
"Do you-" he let out a small sigh "Do you still love me?"
"What?" you whispered, blinking.
"I just- I came back to see my girlfriend live with my brother in the house we dreamed about getting together, having an apple pie life we always wanted and on top of it hear my daughter call my brother her dad while I stand a few feet away. I just need to know that you- what we had has not changed. So I am asking you something simple: do you still love me?"
"Sam" you whispered, eyes casting down "You know I never- Not once stopped. Come heaven or hell I will always... love you." you looked him in the eyes and knew you were saying the truth because what you felt for him wasn't going to change no matter what happened. It just so happened that what you felt for Dean to change, and become so much grater.
"Are you trying to convince yourself or me?" he breathed out a pained laughed as his eyes focused on the photo on the table as he seemed in deep thought.
"Sam I'm not-"
"What about him?" he asked in a husky voice and all air got caught in your lungs. Up to now you were saying the truth but now-
"Who?" you whispered, although you already knew.
"Dean" he said and looked back at you.
"What about Dean?' your voice was low almost inaudible.
He held your gaze for a short minute "I'm not blind (Y/n). I know that look, I've seen. It just- It used to be directed to me, and now it's-' he ran a hand down his face "You avoided me kissing you and even touching your hand when we were alone. You wouldn't let me get too close when Dean was in the room and you- the looks you shared, it's more intimate than I remembered."
"Sam what do you mean?" you whispered and he took a deep breath.
"(Y/n) are you... in love with Dean?"
You didn't know even know how to answer that, even if the answer was a simple yes. But maybe uttering that word seemed like the hardest thing you had to do. Or maybe not.
"Mommy?" it was Mary's voice and you saw her walk closer towards the two of you, suddenly both you and Sam on alert. You glanced at Dean and Jody standing just behind her.
"Y-yes sweetie?" you asked...
... and didn't miss how her eyes were actually only focused on Sam.