I could hear the rain pounding against the window as I sat on the couch, rubbing my bump. Mrs. Martinelli had graciously let me live with her after my mom threw me out and Landon stopped talking to me. I already knew what Daniel thought of his baby. I just wish he'd change his mind about it. He isn't the only one who's scared, and he isn't trying to raise it alone. Mrs. Martinelli called Daniel every day, hoping he'd pick up once and talked to me. When he stopped picking up, she started lying, hoping that would get him to come over and "fix" something. This time, he picked up and he was going to come over and fix the sink.
Mrs. Martinelli sat next to me, putting my legs over hers as she ran her fingers through my hair. I leaned into her hand, putting on a fake smile. I felt my baby move inside me, making my hands wander down to it. Mrs. Martinelli rested her hand over mine, giving them a gentle squeeze as she kissed my hair softly.
"I've always wanted a daughter," she whispered, wrapping her arms around me. "But I had my twins. And I love them so much. But I've never known what it's like to have a daughter." She murmured. I felt tears prick at my eyes, making me subconsciously wipe my dry eyes. Mrs. Martinelli tightened her arms around me as she rocked me gently. "Maddie, what's the matter?" She murmured, running her slender fingers through my hair. I hiccup a sob as a few silent tears streamed down my cheeks.
"I-I miss Daniel." I whimpered. I was almost four months pregnant, which would make it the middle of January now. I didn't know the sex of my baby, nor did I know if I'd ever hear from Daniel again. He never once called for me or anything. "I need him, but he won't talk to m-me." She sighed and pressed her lips to my forehead.
"He misses you too sweetheart, so very much. Every day he calls me while you're at school, and he tells me that leaving you was his biggest mistake." She murmured. I sighed and nodded as the phone rang.
She reached behind he and picked the answered the phone. "Daniel, where are you," she murmured. "Oh... could you come by tomorrow... what do you mean...oh. I have someone who would like to talk to you... your brother," she lied as she pressed the phone into my hands and stood.
I pressed the receiver to my ear and held my breath as I listened to Daniel's beautiful voice. "Jamie, bro are you there? Answer me James," he said. His voice was deeper than I remembered. I rested my hand on my stomach, fighting back tears.
"Danny," I breathed. My throat was thick with tears. I heard him suck in a breath as a door closed shut.
"Maddie?" He murmured. He didn't say anything for a long moment, possibly choosing his words carefully. "Is there something wrong with mom or Jamie?" He asked softly, his voice husky. He only sounded like that when he was worried.
"They're fine," I whispered as a few tears escaped from my eyes.
"Are you okay," he whispered. I heard him bustling around the room, preparing to leave.
"I'm fine," I choked out, attempting to stop a sob that was waiting to erupt from my throat.
He swallowed, "Is the baby okay?" He asked and something inside me snapped, letting the sob come out, letting myself cry into the phone. Daniel kept calling my name, trying to get my attention.
I took a deep breath, attempting to at least whisper; "Why do you care about my baby?" He groaned into the phone and I heard him punch something.
"I've always cared Maddie. There hasn't been a moment that's gone by that I wasn't thinking about you and the kid. Maddie, I'm-"
I heard a door open in his room and a woman say; "Danny, what's wrong, baby? Are you finally telling your ex to stay away?" I closed my eyes, gripping the phone. Pain ripped through my body when the woman spoke.
Daniel didn't miss me at all. He had moved on.
"The hell Aubrey, get out!" He shouted, dropping the phone and shoving this Aubrey girl out. I took that moment to press the phone into my stomach and scream in pain. Mrs. Martinelli rushed in, stopping in her tracks when she saw me.
"Maddie, don't move, sweetheart. Just keep talking to Daniel." she said calmly, getting her cell out and calling someone. I shakily pressed the phone back to my ear, clutching my stomach.
"Maddie, please talk to me. Don't listen to that girl, she is drunk and didn't know what she was saying." He said in a panicked voice. "I didn't move on Maddie. I still love you; and I've always loved the kid. I was just scared."
I didn't register what he was saying at all. I just knew that there was something wrong with my baby. I gripped the phone tighter, uttering three simple words to him; "Something is wrong."
Daniel started getting up, making loud clatter in his path. "I'm on my way Maddie; I'll stay on the phone with you. It will be alright." He said; I could hear him rushing outside to his car.
I shifted onto my back, keeping the phone pressed to my ear so I could hear Daniel talk. It was so painful, I couldn't bear it. "Danny, it hurts," I whimpered as Mrs. Martinelli came over to me, pulling my hair away from my face.
I heard him rev the engine and his tires squeal as he drove faster. "I know, Maddie. I'll be there in two minutes, I promise." He said.
Mrs. Martinelli sat with me, holding my hand as we waited for Daniel. It felt like an eternity after he hung up on me; the front door opened and slammed shut. Mrs. Martinelli shot up, running into the kitchen and started speaking. They were muffled voices, but I could tell the second voice was a man's. They were speaking urgently, the man wanting the conversation to end quickly. I moaned and got on my side, curling into a ball. Someone burst into the living room and to my side, taking my hand as they knelt down.
I looked up at the person, squeezing his hand tightly. He smoothed my sweat-dampened hair as he pressed his lips to my forehead. "Shh, Maddie, it's okay. Everything will be okay." He murmured.
"Danny," I whimpered, clutching my stomach. There was something wrong with my baby and they weren't telling me what. Daniel rested his hand next to mine, not saying anything for a while.
"I know Maddie, I know it hurts. It'll be over soon." He murmured as he stroked my stomach. I gripped his hand, making an effort not to cry. Daniel did all he could to comfort me, not one thing helping at all. After a while the pain started to subside. I closed my eyes and collapsed against the couch as Daniel's strong and lifted me up and carried me out to his car. I moaned as he cradled me to his chest, knotting his shirt in my fingers to keep them from shaking. I finally figured out what happened to my baby.
My baby was gone.
~
Two days ago, I lost my child. Two days ago I lost one of the last people who loved me. Two days ago I lost everything.
I don't remember much after my horrible realization; it was all a blur, a very painful blur. I remember passing out in Daniel's arms and waking up in a hospital sometime later. The first thing I saw was him sitting in a chair, waiting for me to wake up. I rolled onto my side and hugged my pillow to me, not acknowledging him. I just couldn't deal with anything that had to do with him right now. I just couldn't. He left me and chose now to try and win me back.
I didn't stay at the hospital long. The doctor came in and talked to me late in the day and I was discharged later that night, the hospital allowing him to drive me home. I thought about objecting to it, but Mrs. Martinelli wasn't my emergency contact and Daniel was. I grudgingly let him touch me as he escorted me to his car, but quickly wrenched my arm from his grasp and opened the door, sitting in the seat and closing the door for myself. Daniel walked around the car and got in the driver's seat, starting the car and driving off. Daniel didn't say anything for a while as he drove, but when he missed the turn to get to his mother's house he finally spoke up.
"Umm, I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, but mom wants you to stay with me for a while. Just until things go back how they were; just without me or the...baby." He mumbled, looking at me quickly. I nodded and pulled my knees to my chest and closed my eyes.
I didn't want to look at him. It brought back so many good memories, so many painful memories. He reached over and brushed his fingers against my leg; I drew them closer to me and wrapped my arms tightly around them. "Sorry," he muttered as he pulled his hand back.
He pulled into the parking lot a short time later, coming over to my side and helping me out. I opened my eyes once I was set on my feet. Daniel was close to me, so close that I could feel his breath against my skin. I clutched the sides of my shirt as I stared at his chest. My heart was aching in my chest to be so close, and yet unable to touch him like I wanted to. I took a shaky breath and pushed away from Daniel, booking it into the apartment.
Daniel followed me in, closing the door behind him as I stood in the center of the kitchen, wrapping my arms around my waist. Daniel ran his hands through his hair as he thought for a moment. He looked at me, walking over to me, but giving me enough space this time.
"You can take the bed, Maddie. I'll take the couch. I still work the same schedule, so I'll make you breakfast before I leave. If you could make dinner, unless you work nights, that'd be great." He whispered, bending his head down so he could look into my eyes.
I nodded and raked a shaky hand through my hair. Daniel sighed and leaned against the kitchen counter, his eyes studying my body. "Maddie, you can talk to me, you know. About anything, I promise." He said, looking me in the eye. I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. I wanted him to tell me why he didn't call, why he didn't try to contact me at all, I wanted him to tell me why he never came after me when I left.
"Why didn't you call?" I whispered, looking at the floor. Daniel didn't say anything for a while, which irritated me. "Daniel, why didn't you call, or text or something, I've been alone for the past couple of months. My mother disowned me, Daniel, and Landon won't even pick up when I call him. He just lets it ring. All I had left was that baby, and now my baby's gone!" I shouted at him. He looked at me, running his hands through his hair.
"Maddie, I didn't know. I'm sorry." He murmured, getting up and walking over to me. I stood there, too numb to realize that he slid his strong, familiar arms around me in a hug. I wanted to lean into him and hear him beg for me to forgive him, for me to take him back. But I didn't, I put my hands on his chest and pushed him back, needing him to give me space.
"Don't, Daniel. Don't. Touch. Me." I said, my voice threatening to break. "You're the one who left. You're the one who didn't want the baby; you lost the right to touch me like that three months ago." I said, pushing him back and making my way towards the bed room. I turned and made my way inside, closing the door behind me as I heard Daniel punch something in the next room.
I collapsed on the bed and curled into a ball, grabbing his pillow and pressing it into my face, just trying to fall asleep.
~
Daniel and I hardly spoke to each other after that day. I didn't know whether it was because he felt talking to me would set me off again or he was just thinking of some way to apologize to me. I still wouldn't have accepted any apology from him. I worked every weekend since the miscarriage. My friend Elyzabeth was the first to notice that my baby was dead. She ran up to me and asked me what happened once I arrived at work. I told her everything, from the phone call all the way to the fight.
Elyzabeth didn't say anything for a while, pondering upon the information I had given her. "Do you love him?" she whispered, looking at me. I nodded, running my hands through my hair. I never stopped loving him, despite all the pain he caused me. "Does he still love you?" She murmured. I told her I didn't know, I told her that he has been giving me such mixed signals; it's hard for me to tell. She sighed and hugged me tight; telling me everything would be alright.
And she was right.
It was early February; in fact the little ground hog had announced that we had six more weeks of winter. Now of course February in New England means break out the Capri's and tee shirts. I had gone on a short walk after work, returning as quickly as I could. When I came home that day, I found Daniel arguing with a very beautiful woman; she must have been the Aubrey girl that walked in on the phone conversation.
Neither of them noticed me at first, so I took it as time to plan my moves. I would go up to Daniel and throw my arms around his waist, stretching up and giving him a sloppy hello kiss on the cheek; like I used to when we were together. Then I would tell this Aubrey to get the hell out of our home, and if she refused or didn't believe that we were 'back together' I will raise myself up and kiss Daniel on the mouth until she left.
I threw my keys on the counter and said; "Danny, I'm home!" before walking into the middle of the fight. I walked straight to Daniel, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing his cheek sloppily. He just stared at me, unsure of what to do. "Daniel, who's she?" I murmured, pouting slightly. He wrapped his arms around my frame and drew me tighter against his body.
"Maddie, this is Aubrey Winston, she's just leaving." He murmured, hiding his nose in my hair.
"Like hell I'm leaving! You were mine first Daniel Mart-" I turned around and glared at her.
"He was mine first, actually. I'm guessing you were his little rebound to try and forget about what we had." I said, looking at Daniel again. To prove my point, I raised myself up on my tiptoes and kissed Daniel on the lips.
I kissed him like I used to, tender and lovingly. He was startled at first, but quickly moved his lips against mine, knotting one hand in my hair while the other was pressed to the small of my back. I knotted one hand in his shirt while the other fit perfectly in the curve between his shoulder and neck. I kissed him harder; the need for him to touch me; to kiss me took over my need for control. Daniel kissed me back, pressing me into the closest wall as he used one hand for support and kept the other on the small of my back.
I pulled back when Aubrey said; "Alright, I get it! I'm leaving," She said, grabbing her things and going out the front door. Daniel had his arms wrapped tightly around me; his face was hidden in my hair as he caught his breath. I felt like my whole body was shaking, but I couldn't tell. My body was numb from the adrenaline that coursed through my veins. I knew I wanted Daniel to kiss me again, to be mine, to hear him apologize for everything that he missed, for all the pain he has caused me.
I looked at Daniel, resting my hand on his cheek as he kept his eyes closed. I still care; I love this boy with all my heart, my body and my soul. I needed him, plain and simple. Daniel must have felt the same way because he leaned in and kissed me, again, his lips soft and gentle against mine. I kissed him back, keeping my hands on his chest. Several moments passed and his kisses became more urgent and feverish, like I was the antidote to his illness, like I was a supplier to a druggie. His hands slipped under my shirt, tracing the curves of my body as if I might not allow this to happen ever again. His hands slid up my back, one under the band of my bra and the other pressing hard on the small of my back. I pulled back, the need for control twisting in my gut, squandering the need for desire and passion.
I pushed on his chest, making sure he was an arm's length away. We were both panting and staring at each other, not sure what to do next; I pushed away from him, pacing the length of the room as I caught my breath. Daniel stared at me, leaning against the wall.
"Maddie, talk to me," He whispered, I stopped pacing and looked at him.
"What is there to talk about, Daniel? We broke up, you moved on and I didn't." I said, keeping my voice low. I knew if I said it any louder, my voice would break. "I love you Daniel, I've always loved you. But I don't know how you feel about me. You moved on fairly quickly, you never called; you never once tried to contact me. Now we're living together and you still haven't told me anything!" I said, a few tears escaping out of my eyes.
I angrily wiped them away, looking at anything but him. He pushed off the wall and came over to me, taking my face in his hands so he could thumb the incoming tears away. He opened his mouth to say he loved me or that he was sorry, but I cut him off before he had the chance.
"Don't say you love me Daniel. You'll just embarrass us both because you don't mean it." I whispered, looking up at him. He touched his forehead to mine as he slid his hands to my shoulders.
"What do you want me to say, Maddie? That I don't love you? But I'd be lying if I said that. Or that I'm sorry I'm the reason you lost everything? Because I am, Maddie; I am so sorry that I'm the reason you lost everything, and I regret ever saying that I didn't want the baby. Because I did, I wanted it so badly that I had started renovating the spare room so once it was born, you two could move back in and we could try and be a family again." He whispered. I started crying harder, hiding my face in my hands.
He still loved me; that was all I could focus on. Daniel wrapped his arms around me and tried to soothe me. I pressed my face into his abdomen, my tears soaking his shirt. He held me against him, murmuring comforting words in my ear. I calmed down eventually, wrapping my arms tightly around Daniel. I didn't want to let go of him, to wake up and have this be a dream.
Daniel tipped my chin up, kissing my forehead softly. "I will always be your family, Madeline May Lawrence. I will always be your home, whether you hate me or love me, or whether we're together or you find someone else that loves you more than I do." He whispered, giving me a pained smile.
I reached up, took his face in my hands, and pressed my lips to his. "I will always love you," I whispered, "Daniel Jacob Martinelli." I grinned, looking at him. Once again, I was staring at the face of my future, and this time, this time I knew this was my permanent future.