Chapter 15 (Part 1)
-Beyoncé
Wednesday, July 10
Dear Diary,
I know I haven't wrote in a while, but it's only because I've been so busy with work and stuff. But, I promise to do better. A lot in my life has changed since the last time we've talked.
How do you tell someone nicely that you don't want them living with you? Do you just give them the house and move out, or do you just tell them to get out.
I know Solange is my sister and Aubrey is my niece but I've already had enough of them. Monday, after I got back from the hospital, my kitchen was in a mess. Dishes were stack to the ceiling and the trash was over flowing. Then, Aubrey thinks it's ok for her to use the bathroom and leave the light on. In and out in and out. Light on...burning away my pay check. I'm seriously thinking about leaving them here and moving into a house. Solange and Kelly could just have this condo.
Anyway, I don't know what made me talk to Mrs. Carter. Talking to her was probably the hardest thing I had to do. It was embarrassing and sometimes I wish my own mother was here. I was thinking about going back down to Houston for a week, you know, to humble myself. I just really all of a sudden miss my mom. I really feel like I need her.
---
*Monday
Mrs. Carter took a seat in the waiting room and I sat next to her.
"What do you want to talk about?" She asked with a smile. A smile that's extremely contagious. I couldn't help but smile back at her.
"How did you know when you were ready to be a mom."
She chuckled. "I didn't know. Shawn was definitely a surprise. He wasn't planned."
"So it just kind of happened?"
"So did what kind of happen?"
"Your mother instincts, did they just kick in?"
"She laughed a little, but I'm serious. "Yea. Are you planning to have a child soon?"
"No..maybe...not a child of my own. That little girl in there is in there because she had an anxiety attack. She wants me to adopt her, but I'm not sure if I'm ready. I have a lot of problems of my own that I'm still working out. I'm grown but I don't know if I'm mature enough."
"Listen, no one is ever ready for a child. I mean people can plan all they want to and still not be ready.
What is being ready? Being financial stable? It takes more than money to raise a kid. When I had Shawn, I was still in school and I was only 17. I definitely wasn't mature enough, but when I had him, I knew I had to grow up for him. All of a sudden my problems didn't matter. All that matter was that little boy with those big brown eyes." She paused for a moment and smiled. "Let me asked you this Beyoncé, what's your favorite part of your job?"
"Being able to help people."
"How many people have you helped?"
"I don't know. I mean I see a lot of kids everyday and I help them as much as I can but I never really know if my treatment is helping. I mean a lot of the parents seem impressed but I never really know."
"What would make you really happy?" She asked and I just thought for a minute.
"I guess knowing for a fact that I at least helped one person would make me happy."
Mrs. Carter nodded. "I'm not telling you what to do, but if you really love that girl in there, take her home. But, don't do it because you feel sorry for her, do because you love her. And don't do if you're not ready. I mean our situations are a little different. I didn't have a choice, you do. I just know that if I had to do it all over, I would do it the exact same way. I love being a mom. It was hard at first but it's the best job in the world."
"Thank you." I said and Mrs. Carter smiled and left.
"Beyoncé?" Nancy called and I stood up.
"Yes? How is Zurie? Can I see her?"
"About Zurie-" She sighed before continuing. "You buying her things and supporting her and being there for her is great, but we don't think it's the best idea for her right now."
"What?!"
"She's becoming too attached to you and because of it, it's going to be really hard to get her adopted."
"So you're saying that I can't see her anymore?"
"Yea, and as a therapist you should understand that."
"I understand."
"We also can't have you working at GEMS anymore. We really do appreciate all you've done, but it's not good for Zurie."
"What if I wanted to adopt her?"
"Then we can talk about it in my office, Wednesday morning. But, you need to be a hundred percent sure that this is something you really want. There is no give backs."
I nodded. "If you're sure I'll see you Wednesday morning."
----
*Present
It's Wednesday morning and I still have a few hours before it's time for me to meet with Nancy. I love Zurie and I rather have her in my life than to not have her. I know it's a big responsibility but this is what I want to do. I guess this is God telling me to slow down. If she does move in with me, it won't happen for another couple of weeks. We'll have to wait until after the trial and then it's going to take a few more weeks after that to get the paperwork started. Truth is, I'm scared. I'm scared out of my mind, but she needs me.
As for Shawn, I can't wait for him. He's a grown man and he knows what he wants and that something is not me. I can't control that. Right now I'm just going to focus on being a mom. I've always wanted kids, I mean I wanted to be married first and I wanted to actually become pregnant, but things change. Zurie is starting high school next year and she's going to need me.
-Bey
After closing my journal, I got up from my bed and went to shower. After my morning rituals, I checked my phone and saw a missed call from Shawn. I missed his meeting the other day so I immediately called him back.
"Hello?" He answered.
"Hey, I saw your missed call. About the other day, I had to take Zurie to the hospital. She-"
"I already know. My mom told me that you were thinking about adopting her."
"Yea, actually I'm going up there today to find out what I have to do."
"That's good. I'm proud of you."
"Thank you."
"I was calling to apologize for the way I acted the other day."
I sighed and sat on my bed. "It's what ever, I'm fine."
"I still want to take you out when I get back from vacation."
"Shawn, I really need to focus on Zurie right now. I again, apologize for missing the meeting. I have to go." I hung up the phone and wrapped my towel tighter around my body before standing up to get my lotion.
---
I arrived at GEMS with time to spare. Like I said, I do not like tardiness. It's rude and shows that you don't care.
I was allowed right into Nacy's office. I can only hope to be out of here by 9 so that I could get to work by 9:45. It is the summertime so my patients are actually being scheduled earlier now. I now mentor the girls at GEMS from 7:30 until 9 on Monday's and Friday's now.
"Hi, Beyoncé." Nancy greeted me with a smile. It's really nice to see you again." I wanted to say something about her tardiness, but because we're already running late, I'll let it slide this one time.
"Nice to finally see you." I added emphasis on the word finally.
She chuckled. "I'm sorry we had an issue with a few of the girls."
"So what do I have to do to adopt Zurie?" I asked getting straight to the point. I can't afford to waste any time if I want to make it to work on time.
"Well-" she started as she took a seat at her desk. "You'll have to pass a background check first, and then we'll send some people out to your house to investigate. Zurie will need her own bed. She doesn't need her own room but she will need her own bed. Will that be a problem?"
"No, not at all."
"Also we need your proof of income. We have to make sure that you make enough money to support yourself and Zurie."
"Ok,
"Good, now will it be possible for us to meet with you and your husband this week? We'll need you both here to fill out the paperwork and we want to do a meet and greet with your husband and Zurie."
"My husband?"
"Yes, please tell me that you are married. We don't let single people adopt."
"No, I'm not married but I've been with Zurie since she was taken from her dad. I don't see how me not being married should matter."
"I'm sorry but it does matter. We can't let you take her home without being married, it's company policy."
"So what do I do?"
"Unless you find yourself a husband, there's not too much you can do. I'm sorry."
"So what about all of the people who were married and then divorced? Do they have to give the child back?"
"No, as long as they were married at the time of the adoption. "
I sighed. "Well can I at least go tell Zurie that I did try?"
"I don't think that's going to be a good idea. We really don't want another episode like the other day."
I sighed. "Fine." I got up from my seat and stormed out of her office and then the building.
That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Just because you're not married doesn't mean you can't care for a child. And it's even more stupid in mine in Zurie's case. I've been there and with that girl every step of the way.
-Shawn's POV
"Toni, we have to end things when I come back home. I'm tired of the secrecy and I can't do this anymore. You're stopping me from being happy and I can't keep settling for this. It's either all or nothing."
"Shawn, please don't do this.." Toni cried into the phone. I have to admit that I have tears in my eyes too. But I can't keep doing this. I really like Beyoncé and if Toni and I aren't going to be together than I can't keep wasting my time on her.
"I'm sorry. I have to go, Kenzie should be waking up soon."
"This won't be the last time you hear from me." Toni said before disconnecting the line.
-Beyoncé
On my way to work I couldn't think of anything but Zurie and that's when it hit me. After I was settled in my office I dialed Shawn's number.
"Hello?" He answered on the second ring.
"Hey Shawn."
"Hey Bey, what's up."
"How's your trip?"
"Uh we got in late last night so Kenzie is still sleeping. We haven't had a chance to enjoy Disney yet."
"Ok."
"Beyoncé, what do you need?"
"How do you know I need something?"
"Because earlier you act like you didn't have two words to say to me."
"I'm sorry, I was busy when you called."
"What can I do for you now?"
"You could marry me." I said not wasting any more time.