Chapter 19
Not Alone
I found myself curled up in a ball the following morning, under my covers. I guess this is what it’s like, one morning I’m completely happy and excited, and the next I feel like I the pain is too unbearable to even get up. Under my covers I was taking deep breaths, trying to soften the pain I was feeling from just thinking again. My alarm started to go off. I let my arm crawl out of my covers, the cool air causing me to shiver, and hit the OFF button.
I didn’t get up though.
I don’t think I physically could.
I pulled the covers around me harder and shoved my face into my pillow. I was thinking of mom again and it was killing me because I just wished she was here. I want her back, but she is never coming back, and that’s always unbearable to think about. When I wanted her like this, when I needed her like this, it killed me to know that- to know that she wasn’t coming back. Ever.
All because she decided to leave.
It was even harder to think about how she knew, how she had planned it. To think that she had planned her suicide. That she had written a note for dad to find, she knew that when she said goodbye to me, it was the last time she would ever see me. That it was the last time I would ever see her. She knew all of that, and she just didn’t care enough.
And it was even harder to think about the pain she had felt. The pain she felt from cheating on my dad. The pain I feel now, about simply getting up to go to school.
I lay in bed, the covers over me, and felt the tears leak down my face.
Fifteen minutes passed and I heard my door creek open.
“Quinn?” my dad asked. I could picture him stretching his head around the door, one foot in my room.
“Hm?” I asked.
“You need to get up for school. You’ve only got ten minutes left before you have to leave.”
I peeked at my clock and pulled the covers over my head again.
“I don’t want to go,” I said, my voice cracking.
“Why not?” he asked.
“I think I’m sick,” I lied.
There was silence and I heard the door open further as he walked in by me. But all I could think about is how much I wanted him to leave. I didn’t want him to bother me as I thought about mom. And I didn’t want him to see me crying about her. And I wanted him to go call school and then go to work so I could have the whole house to myself. But he sat down at the edge of my bed and tried to pull the covers down so he could talk to me, but I simply gripped them tighter so he couldn’t.
“Are you sure you’re not feeling okay?” he asked me.
If mom were here, she would have suspected instantly that I was lying. She would make me undergo a series of tests to see if I really was telling the truth. She would take my temperature, she would feel my forehead, she would look me in the eyes and make me tell her, that yes, I am sick, I am not lying. Then, if I were really sick she would call into work and stay with me. We would stay at home and watch movies and talk. If I weren’t sick, like I am now, she would attack me with tickles and make me admit I’m lying. She would ask me why I don’t want to go to school and maybe she would even let me stay home with her. She would still cancel work and stay home with me and we would watch movies together anyway.
“I’m sure,” I said.
“Alright, I’ll call into school,” dad said, standing up. “Feel better honey.”
I heard him shut the door quietly behind him and I buried myself deeper into my covers and the tears started to fall faster now. I managed to keep them quiet until I heard him leave the house ten minutes later.
The day passed by blandly. I got up to eat and stared out the window as rain pelted it. My phone showed two missed calls, one from Tessa and one from Sam, probably wondering where I am. I guess I should have gone to school today, I bet they would have made me feel better. But I didn’t want to push myself through the day in the condition I am in now.
***
When you spend a day completely alone, with no distractions, you really end up thinking about things. And by ‘things’ I mean everything, mostly the stuff you avoid thinking about. And all I could think about was my mom cheating on dad.
I know people have flaws, but I always thought my mom couldn’t control hers.
And the more I thought about this stuff, the more I disliked my mom… and I didn’t want to hate her. But it was hard picturing my mom lying to my dad for so long. How could she lie to him for thirteen years? I’m sure it may have taken awhile, but he would have forgiven her… I think. She didn’t even have the decency to tell him to his face, she had to write it in her suicide note.
And that was when I realized that I wanted to meet this guy, this man she had cheated on my dad with. Because he had to have been pretty amazing for her to sneak behind my dad’s back like that.
There was a slight flaw though; I didn’t even know this guy’s name.
I heard my doorbell ring and glanced at my clock, which read 3. I took a quick glance in the mirror (I looked awful), attempted to fix myself a little bit, then hurried down the stairs. I peeked out the window and saw Sam, when we made eye contact he gave me a small smile.
I opened the door, feeling very self-conscious.
“I really hope you weren’t standing in the rain too long,” I said, motioning for him to come inside.
He walked in, ducking his tall head down under the door frame. He shook his head and drops of water wetted my kitchen. It was weird seeing someone as wonderful as him standing in my ugly kitchen. He looked around and I felt self-conscious about my home now too.
“Do you want like, coffee or tea?” I asked him awkwardly.
He smiled at me and said, “Coffee would be nice.”
I turned away from him and started the coffee maker and decided to put a kettle on the stove so I could make tea for myself.
“I know it’s really cold in here, our heater does that sometimes. It’s pretty old and crappy and sometimes it needs a little push from my dad to get it working,” I said, biting my lip.
“It’s not a problem at all, Quinn,” he said.
I gulped and thoughts of going to his house the day before yesterday clouded my mind, causing me to be clumsy and touch the kettle, burning my finger.
“Ouch!” I said and he stood up, walking over to me, as I grabbed ice and wrapped it in a towel to sooth my burn.
“Are you alright?” he asked me and I finally made eye contact with him.
“Yeah, it’s just a small burn,” I mumbled, blushing.
“I mean, why you didn’t come to school today? Is everything okay?” he asked me.
“I’m sick,” I lied.
He looked at me quizzically, “You don’t look very sick.”
“I’m…” I didn’t know what to say.
The kettle started to whistle and I had a nice distraction. Once I had everything situated and Sam had his coffee and I was waiting for my tea bag to soak properly, I finally really got to talk to him.
“I decided not to go to school today because I wasn’t in the mood.”
He raised an eyebrow at me, “You weren’t in the mood?”
“Putting it lightly, yes,” I said.
“Why not? Is everything alright?” he asked me.
“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just… thoughts of my mom and stuff brought me down.”
We were quiet as we sipped our drinks. That was when I realized Sam was always there for me, like now he wanted to help me, and he would, if I would let him. I was sick of doing everything alone.
“Do you want to help me?” I asked him.
“Sure,” he said, without hesitation, only proving my point even more.
“I want to see this guy that my mom cheated on my dad with… I just want to have a conversation with him. Not even about my mom really, I don’t think I’d be able to go that far. I just want to see what he’s like. I want to see what about him made her mess up everything with my dad.”
Sam nodded, “I see where this is coming from.”
“Would you help me find him? I don’t even know his name though.”
“You could ask your dad?” he suggested.
“I don’t want to bring that up around him again. I can see it bothers him still. I also don’t want him to suspect anything either.”
He thought for a while and then he finally said thoughtfully, “Alyssa knows…?”
I looked down at my cell phone and sighed. He was right.
“Perfect, the only person I can really ask is the one person I hate the most.”
“How are you going to even ask her?” he asked me.
“Exactly, even if I did ask her, she wouldn’t tell me once she found out why I wanted to know,” I complained.
With a little more thought realization finally hit me.
“There is a third option…” I said.
“What?” he asked me.
“My mom’s note.”
He looked at me, sorry, checking to see how I was taking this.
“I’ll ask my dad for it,” I said.
“Will he give it to you?” Sam asked me.
“I’m not sure.”
“Do you think we should try to look for it first, then?” Sam asked me.
“I think that… I think that I want his permission first, before I read it.”
“Alright,” Sam said quietly.
We were quiet. So quiet that the sound of cars driving by seemed to be so much closer. So quiet that I could hear the ticking of one of our clocks. So quiet that I could hear out heater desperately trying to work as it clunked a bit. So quiet that I could hear Sam’s breathing hitch a bit faster, and when I looked at him we looked away from each other quickly.
“Do you want a tour of this old house?” I asked him then, breaking the silence.
“I like it,” Sam said. “It’s homey.”
I rolled my eyes and shook my head, standing up. We took our mugs of hot drinks with us as I showed him the small space; there wasn’t much to really show off.
“This is the kitchen, the living room, the laundry room, bathroom, my dad’s room… and finally, my room.”
I bumped my door open with my bum and walked inside it. It was even colder in my room than the other rooms of the house; I never understood why it was like that. It was a little messy, but nothing compared to the mess of Sam’s room. Sam was looking around it, taking it all in.
“I know it’s kind of childish still. Before my mom died, she said that she was going to help me redo it soon… well that was three years ago when I was in seventh grade, so it’s still pretty much the same. And I’m really sick of the walls.”
They were painted a pretty yellow. I remember my mom telling me the name of the paint color, Light Sunshine. She told me that it was a happy color. Right now the room was a little dark because of the rainy weather outside, and nothing about my room looked very happy.
I took a quick glance over at my nightstand and saw with relief that my pills were in my drawer. I had remembered to put the bottle in the drawer this morning, thank God.
Sam simply smiled at me and said, “I like it.”
He walked over to my dresser and picked up a picture, another one of my mom and I.
“You look a lot like her,” he said.
“I do?”
“Yeah, I really see it,” he said.
I smiled a little and walked over to my TV, turning it on.
We ended up sitting on my bed with the covers pulled tightly around us since it was so chilly. We were watching That 70’s Show re-runs and eating popcorn and drinking coke. And I guess my earlier thoughts were right, Sam definitely did make me feel better, a lot better, actually.
***
My dad came home after forty five minutes through watching our marathon. I was laughing really, really hard after Sam decided to do a nice impression of Fez. The door slammed and I realized that my dad was finally home.
Sam looked at me in panic, “Is that your dad?”
I nodded a small smile on my face. “Why the panic?”
“Do you think he’ll hate me?” He asked me.
I looked at Sam, rolling my eyes, “My dad will probably love you.”
Sam shook his head, “I make terrible first impressions with parents, and I’m not even kidding.”
“Why would you say that?” I asked him.
“When I met Ethan’s parents they walked in on me in their kitchen, eating their food, because he had to go to the bathroom. And when I went to introduce myself, I had a ton of food in my mouth and they couldn’t even understand me.”
I was laughing really hard, picturing it.
“In Massachusetts my friend’s mom walking in on me taking a piss in their bathroom and that was the first time she ever met me.”
I was cracking up so hard now I was almost crying, my head on his shoulder.
“I need to escape. Can I jump out your window?” he begged me.
He made to get up but I grabbed him arm.
“Then my dad’s first impression of you will be you running outside in the rain, hiding from him, and driving away in your car.”
“It’s probably better than what will happen,” Sam said warningly.
“Just relax,” I said, letting go of his arm and patting his hand. “My dad is totally cool.”
I could hear my dad’s footsteps coming down the hall and Sam shot me one last terrifying look before the door opened and he turned to see my dad like I did.
“Hey, dad,” I said.
My dad raised an eyebrow at me as he assessed the situation.
Sam grunted and nervously said, “Hello Mr. Heart.”
“And who are you?” my dad said.
I sighed, wanting to smack my head. He was playing the protective-father card. I could feel Sam getting more and more nervous from the situation and I rolled my eyes at my dad.
“Dad, he’s a friend. This is Sam.”
My dad blinked at Sam, just studying him.
“Dad, stop scaring him,” I said.
Suddenly my dad grinned at said, “Nice to meet you boy. I’m sure your intentions with my daughter are pure?”
“Uh-er- of course sir,” Sam stuttered.
“Well that’s great. Want to stay for dinner at all?”
“I don’t want to intrude or anything,” Sam said.
“No, it’s perfectly fine. Otherwise it would just be Quinn and I again, it’d be nice to have some company like you,” my dad said. “And no man can turn down some of my cheeseburgers.”
Sam smiled and said politely, “Sounds great. Thank you.”
I smiled at dad as he said, “I’ll start making that in about an hour.”
And when he shut the door and I turned to Sam, poking him in the ribs, and Sam attacked me with tickles (my weak area), I couldn’t help but think that this was really nice.
And that if I always had Sam around dealing with everything would be so much easier.
*****
Sorry for that long wait! I know you're probably not used to a full two weeks of no update because I update so much! Anyway, the reason I took so long is because I was waiting for inspiration to strike:) I hope this chapter was good, because I like it a lot:))
Tell me what you think in the comments! I anxious to know!