“You’re going to have to talk to him eventually.” Lately, those exact words poured out of Morgan’s mouth so frequently, it was almost routine.
On my walk home from my flat, I’d told myself that I wouldn’t tell her what happened between Niall and I. After attempting to dry my tears, and slow my breathing, I knew I would have to do my best to lie, even though my past held no hope. I’d just say we’d mutually agreed to part ways; that it would be better for the both of us. I should have known I would crumble as soon as I’d gotten home to Morgan. Seeing my puffy eyes and tears, she asked me what happened, and the story flew through my lips before I’d even gotten inside the door.
I didn’t often cry, and when I did Morgan knew it was about something big. The most I’d ever cried was four times in one year, and that year was undoubtedly the hardest year I’d ever faced. I refuse on all occasions to ever talk about it, and the only one who knew all of the details was Morgan. The fact that I was able to shed so many tears in one night, proved the fact that I’d become too attached to someone, someone I barely even knew.
A good portion of my night was spent on the couch, while I pathetically stared at the soap operas that glistened on the television screen. I wasn’t really watching the shows; I was more zoned out than anything. Morgan knew not to bother me after she’d heard the entire story.
I’d come close to crying again, but my self-control overpowered the emotions. I somehow convinced myself that a night’s rest would clear my head, but sleeping for a few hours had no effect on my aching chest.
The first sentence out of Morgan’s mouth in the morning was those words. She’d also expressed that sentence in the early and mid-afternoon. I tuned it out, pretending I hadn’t heard her, even though we both knew I had. If Niall was the only thing that she would talk about, then she was in danger for a very silent, one-sided conversation.
She quickly figured out that talking about Niall wasn’t something I wanted to do. She sparked up a regular conversation about special plans for this week bringing a small smile across my face. It didn’t last very long; it was only a minute before she’d brought Niall up again with the same sentence. I ignored it transparently.
The rest of the day we’d spent walking about in the snow, and roaming the relatively busy streets. Unfortunately no matter how many snowballs thrown, Niall never vacated my mind. His icy expression of disbelief and betrayal bounced around in my head, causing me to wince from time to time. I tried to cover up my wild emotions, but I knew Morgan could see through it easily.
Morgan eventually gave up trying to pry her way into my thoughts, as she so often received the same response. Sitting down on a wooden bench, she eyed me suspiciously. “You know what would be lovely?”
“What?” I asked, curious, hoping this conversation wouldn’t lead to talking about Niall.
“To be a princess and live in a castle.” she sighed. “What I wouldn’t do to catch a prince’s eye just for a chance to live there.”
“I don’t think I’d want that, you’d have so much responsibility.” I said flatly.
“True,” she laughed tightly, obviously unhappy with my answer. “I think it might be worth it though. All of the servants, fame, and money...”
“Of course not! That’s awful, Morgan.” I interceded. “Using someone for their fame and such...”
She nodded pleased, raising an eyebrow. “So you’d never use someone for their riches?”
“Who do you think I am?” I scoffed; partially offended that she would ever think that I would do that. “It’s sickening.” I continued, feeling the words flow hotly from my mouth. “How would you feel if you were in love with someone, and you found out they’d only been using you for something you had? That’s the last thing that anyone on the planet would want. They need someone to love them for what’s inside, regardless of what they had or looked like.”
“Agreed.” Morgan nodded in approval, a large smile covering her face. “I presume...” she stole a quick glance at my face before she continued. “That’s what Niall wants, and thought you could give to him.”
My body froze at the mention of his name. I turned away from her angrily, knowing that she had somehow managed once again to key her way into my innermost thoughts.
Morgan spoke carefully. “You can’t just go through the rest of your days, attempting to forget what happened last night. You guys both hurt each other,” she said desperately. “Now it’s your job to fix it.”
I knew she was right, I just neglected to believe it. Last night was my fault, leaving me the only one with the power to fix it. I felt my self-control weakening but I did my best to keep up my façade. My body remained firm on the bench.
“I know this is hurting you inside but you are too damn stubborn to say so.” she continued. “You can’t tell me you don’t want to fix this, because I know how much you care about him, Ness. He obviously cares about you too.”
I flinched at her words, as they cut deeply into my heart. I knew I cared for him, more than I could even admit to myself. But caring about someone ends up getting you hurt in the end, last night was only one example.
Suddenly, my body shivered, and not entirely from the cold outside. My eyes stung with agony.
“You are going to end up alone if you push every single person that cares for you away. Stop being afraid and let someone in.”
I violently turned to face her on the bench. “I let people in and I just get hurt in the end!” My words were loud, but my voice was weak. I couldn’t help letting my emotions flood out in a big wisp. I was red in the face, taking only minimal breaths. “Every guy I’ve ever trusted has hurt me in the end. Niall is no different.”
“He is!” she through her hands up in extreme frustration. “Even I can see that you two have something special with each other.” I didn’t think I’d ever seen her so mad before. “I didn’t blame you for being upset when dad left us, because he himself was the one to blame. But this time it’s your mistake and you need to go fix it.”
Her sudden mention of dad tore through my entire chest, leaving me gasping for breath. I still held back the tears, but I felt as if someone was strangling me. She saw my pain and guilt flooded her face. She reached to place her hand on my shoulder, and I leaned into her touch.
“I never meant to—I mean... I’m sorry.” she mumbled, her eyes glistening with tears. Dad’s leaving hurt me more than it did her, despite the fact that she knew him for longer. I was more sensitive than her I suppose.
“It’s fine,” I said shakily. We sat in complete and utter silence for a while, until both our emotions returned to normal—or at least what they had been before.
“Go find him.” she said suddenly, leaning away to look at me. “And if he doesn’t listen to you at least you will be able to say you’d tried.”
Be able to say that I tried. I replayed the words in my head many times. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d attempted something without the guarantee that I’d succeed. I usually avoided whatever situation it was if even the slightest doubt was existent. It was the way I had and planned to live for my entire life.
But so far that had gotten me nowhere. I’m now alone, and afraid of anyone who gets too close to me. I pushed them away before I even knew what I was doing, leaving me with a torn heart and low optimism. I knew that for once, I needed to take a risk.
I raised myself steadily off of the bench, confidence flowing through my veins. It was funny how in all of the anticipation, I hadn’t realized that it had started to snow. Morgan watched as I brushed off my jacket once again. “Okay.” I said, breathing in huskily.
Abruptly, she hopped off of the bench, and draped me in a warm, loving hug. I squeezed her firmly back; closing my eyes for fear that tears might spill out. Never would I ever be able to thank Morgan enough for what she’s done for me. Who would I be without her help to better myself?
She released me and slipped a small strand of hair behind my ear. “Good luck.” she whispered as she watched me go.
I turned to smile at her, and then continued on my way.
- - -
My stomach felt as if it were doing flips inside of me as I stood outside of Niall’s apartment. I’d been standing there for at least five minutes, still attempting to bring my hand to knock. I stood there shuffling on my feet, trying to work out what I was going to say in my head. I was just glad one of them didn’t walk outside and see me.
Finally, I turned to face the door. I lifted my shaky hands, and knocked gently. I wondered if anyone was even home.
The door swung open and I found myself standing in front of Liam. I was kind of glad it wasn’t Niall who’d answered the door. “Hi,” I said erratically.
He seemed partially confused, until realization flashed across his face. “Hey, you’re Ness, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” I nodded, my arms wrapped around myself protectively. “Is Niall here?”
He was wearing a grey fitted t shirt and a pair of basketball shorts. I wondered how his legs weren’t freezing off. “Actually he isn’t. He went out for some nosh with Zayn.” He said, chewing on his lip nervously.
I sighed, knowing what he was doing. I’d be an idiot if I thought Niall wouldn’t have told his mates. “I know he doesn’t want to see me right now... Or ever again, but,” I said forcing my voice to say the words. “Please, I need to talk to him.”
“Well, he actually isn’t here...” Liam said sympathetically, running his fingers through his cropped hair.
“Okay, that’s fine then.” I finally accepted. “Could you perhaps tell him to meet me somewhere?” I felt comfortable talking to Liam; he had such a sweet and sensitive nature.
I prayed to God that he would be compassionate. He sighed and dropped his hand from his hair. “Sure, I wouldn’t get your hopes up on him coming, though.”
“I know, I know.” I said, uncrossing my arms. “Just tell him to meet me at the coffee shop by my house at 8, okay?”
Liam nodded, his brown eyes endearing. “Will do.” I turned to leave, but he stopped me. “Ness?”
“Yeah?” I said, turning to face him.
“Niall’s only this upset because he really likes you.”
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