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So, baby, pull me closer
In the back seat of your Rover
That I know you can't afford
Bite that tattoo on your shoulder
~Closer, The Chainsmokers
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Relationships.
All of us needed them. Not necessarily romantic relationships, but a deep connection with other human beings in general. Some people were content with living mostly alone, but they still needed friends or family to go through their everyday life smoothly.
Sometimes society wants to tell us what's right and not being in a relationship isn't working for them. Simply having fun with other people is called 'whoring around' and being a single Pringle earns you pitiful looks.
Well, fuck society. This was your life and whatever you wanted to do was your decision. Not a choice made by society or your family, your friends or a therapist. Who is to say what's best for you when you don't know yourself?
Your life, your decision.
I was struggling to wrap my head around all the things that had gone down till now between Sam and myself. I wasn't sure I was regretting my former actions, but there were so many questions running through my head that each night was a battle between sleep and my mind. Sadly, my mind mostly won.
What even were we? Had I the right to call him my boyfriend? However much I wanted to avoid that awkward talk, I needed to chat with him about this. I could only hope that we wanted the same thing, a relationship. I wasn't cut out for something similar to friends with benefits.
This thing with Sam, whatever it was, was probably still a very bad idea, but there was no way I could push him away again. That wouldn't be fair to him, not even when I'd done it all for his benefit. I would have to try to keep it together at all times when around him which meant never letting my guard down in his presence. I wasn't a fool, I knew this was easier said than done. I just had to give my all and not let him see through my wall of glass. Or, even better, turn my exterior into bricks again.
Either way, this was going to be tough.
...
The things you do for the people you care about.
I wasn't stupid I'd read enough, seen enough and had enough of a right mindset to know that my intentions were not healthy for a relationship. Still, I couldn't help but want to protect him from me. Eventually, I would probably open up to him.
Eventually, I would.
But not until I could be 100 % sure that he would try to understand and stay and not be afraid of the person that I was, the real person inside of me. Not until I was sure that he could stand my vulnerability, my way of thinking, my fucked up brain.
Not until I trusted him enough.
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The moments before I'd meet friends or, in this case, Sam, anxiety was my dearest friend, clinging to me every step of the way. My stomach hurt so badly I thought I was gonna be sick and the tightness in my chest was of no help in my fight against nausea.
I was going through all this physical and mental pain just for it to subside again when I opened the door and laid eyes on him. Every time Sam and I would go on a date the first thing he did was to hand me a single red rose. The considerate action made my heart flutter and my cheeks warm on every occasion.
Tonight, Sam took me back to the spot on the hill where we'd had our first date. This place was starting to claim its very own spot in my heart.
I reached for my Mcdonalds soda cup and took a sip of my coke. On the way over here we'd stopped by the fast food drive in to get dinner. Now, most of the food was gone and the dark of night had settled upon us. Sam's hand was resting comfortably on my right thigh while he was eating some leftover fries. "So, what have you been up to?"
I shrugged, absentmindedly toying around with my straw. "Not much, between football and school, I have my hands full with more school stuff to do in my free time. We have this literature assignment that's taking up all my time."
He let his thumb brush over the fabric of my jeans. "Group work?"
"Pairs."
"Working with a friend?"
I nodded. "Yeah, Ryan." Alex, I reminded myself. Or was I supposed to call him Ryan since Alex didn't exist anymore? This whole Ryan/Alex thing was messing with my brain. My sleepless nights weren't only caused by Sam. I had lots and lots of questions and theories on my mind. Like, why hadn't Ryan told me this before? I needed to have another chat with him about his past.
Next to me, Sam tensed, his hand pausing on my leg. "Ryan Johnson?!" He stared at me as though I'd just told him I was an axe murderer.
Confused, my brows knitted together. "Yeah," I said slowly, unsure.
His hand left my thigh, making me frown, my heart sinking in my chest. "You told me before that you're not friends with him. In fact, you seemed to be quite repelled by him."
I pulled back a little. "What?! When did I ever say that?"
I didn't like the look on his face one bit. I couldn't quite pinpoint his expression, but he seemed angry or at least unhappy. "When we first met?"
"Oh." I remembered. It was before we got to know each other, before the agreement. God, this moment on the bleachers felt like it'd happened years ago. My feelings towards Ryan had since changed. "Yeah..."
He tilted his head and stared at me with wide eyes as though he couldn't believe me. "Since when are you friends with him?" I could tell that he was on the edge of freaking out.
I touched his upper arm gently. "Actually, that happened not long after we met that night."
"Wha-How did this happen?"
I shrugged. "It's a long story, but once you actually know him he isn't all that bad."
He snorted. "Yeah, right."
I frowned. Why was he so frustrated by the news? I let my hand slide down his arm until our fingers were intertwined. "Hey," I said softly. "What's wrong?" My heart clenched in my chest.
He let out a sigh and ran his free hand through his hair. "Nothing, I just don't want this to get any harder."
"What?" I asked, ignoring the pain slicing through my heart. I pulled away. "Get any harder?"
His gaze snapped up to meet mine, his eyes wide in alarm as though he just realized who he was talking to and what he was saying. "No, Liz, I-"
"If this is so hard for you-"
"No, shh, please don't say that. I didn't- that's not what I meant," he tried to reassure me, stumbling over his words. He took my hand.
But it's what you said.
I'd been right all along. I was making things hard for him. I was already affecting his life negatively. I shouldn't have let this happen. I shouldn't have.
I pulled my hand free from his and panic flooded his eyes. This had been a bad idea. How could I ask someone to put up with this shit? How could I have been so stupid? How could I've thought that he could get along with my complicated self?
"Liz, please," he was begging now. "Please, listen to me. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I'm just scared."
I paused. "Scared?" I was reasonable when it came to fears.
He sighed. "Yes. I'm terrified that now that I finally have you someone's gonna snatch you away again." I swallowed. He felt threatened by Ryan? He cupped both sides of my face, pulling me closer. "Liz, I like you. I really like you. I just don't want another obstacle in our way."
I tried my best to smile at him, unsure what to make of his words. On one hand, his explanation was kind of cute, but on the other, I still had my doubts. Was he still mad that I'd pushed him away? He never actually clarified that things between us were going okay.
Another question tore at my brain. One that had been causing me sleepless nights. I wrapped my hands around his wrists. "Sam?"
"Hmm?" he hummed.
"Our way? What is it?"
He frowned. "What do you mean?"
"A way to what? What's at the end of our way?"
His eyes were running over my face. "I'm not sure..."
He wasn't willing to understand my metaphors. "This thing between us all the kisses and affection, what does that mean?" Suddenly, his face became blank and my heart plummeted into my stomach. "Where's this way leading to?" I choked out. His expression scared me. His facial muscles were twisted into something close to horror, his grip on me slowly loosening. "It's not that I want to label us or something, but I need to know where we stand."
At my explanation he relaxed significantly, his grip getting firmer. I couldn't even blink before his lips were on mine. The kiss was unlike any of the once we'd shared before. It was possessive, aggressive, fervent.
His hands moved to the back of my head as well as to my neck as he deepened the kiss. My heart was thumping so hard against my chest I was sure he could feel it. The taste of soda on his tongue as he moved against me sent a ball of heat through my body. He let his hand travel down to the back of my neck, pushing me closer until I stumbled over his leg. He groaned in appreciation as I found myself straddling his left thigh.
The scent of his cologne was making me dizzy as he pressed me further up against him, my hands finding the back of his neck.
His hand was sitting dangerously low on my back. I felt my heart pick up speed and the upcoming pain of a tummyache. Slightly breathless, I pulled away. Blushing, I looked down at his chest.
He had a little trouble breathing as well as he stared down at me. He touched the underside of my chin with the side of his index finger, lifting my head. Something about his eyes was different as he looked at me. "It means, honey, that now that I have you I'm not letting you go." His voice was hoarse as he spoke. "And I won't let anyone else have you."
I looked down again. Biting my lip, I nodded.
"So, to answer your question, this thing between us, darling, is called a 'relationship'," he said as though I'd never heard of the word before.
I smiled at him. And though finally knowing had excitement running through my veins, at the same time, it filled me with fear. I tried to ignore it as best as I could because there was no way I would succeed by pushing it away.
Instead of focusing on the psychosomatic pain in my body I let myself lean against his side, seeking comfort. "So, now that we're official." He hummed, threading his fingers through mine. "You're getting my name tattooed, right?"
He froze.
I looked up at him through my lashes, biting my lip to keep from laughing. "Sam, I'm just messing with you." I laughed a little as he let out an exaggerated breath of relief, clutching dramatically at his chest.
"For a split second there, I actually believed you." Still laughing, I let myself lean against his side. He chuckled. "Oh babe, you got me good." He wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me against his chest.
With laughter in my voice, I spoke, "Remember our first date?" I snuggled closer to him, on the lookout for warmth as I played with his fingers against mine.
"Of course."
"The last time we were here we talked about your tattoos and you said you'd show me some once we know each other better, once we are closer." I turned to face him expectantly. "Are we closer?"
Silently answering, he leaned in and kissed the corner of my lips before pulling back. The action threw me off guard and set my cheeks alight. He smiled at me warmly before pulling my back against his chest. Circling my waist with his right arm, he reached for the left sleeve of his shirt and began to roll it up to his elbow.
A black and white tattoo was running down the inside of his arm. A row of houses in different forms and sizes was inked into the middle of his skin. It started around three inches away from his elbow and stopped three inches from his wrist.
My hands gripped his forearm gently on either side of his tattoo as I let my eyes travel over the art that was his skin. Sam had told me before that his family used to move a lot and that he'd thus been to several different states already in his seventeen years of living.
"You like it?"
I turned my head to look back at him. "Yeah, it's really nice." Then I leaned in and gave him a swift kiss on the lips. "Thanks for showing me. I appreciate it."
He hummed, eyes still on my lips. "Sure."
He leaned in closer again, hand on the back of my neck. Teasing him, I turned around just as he was about to kiss me. "So, I was thinking-"
"You're so mean!"
I looked back at him to find him pouting. I laughed before pecking his lips once more. "No, but seriously," I said, back leaning against his chest again. "I was thinking about telling my friends about us."
He hummed and kissed my hair before answering, "Do you want me to be there with you when you do? You know, to meet them?"
I cleared my throat uncomfortably. I wanted the guys to meet Sam. I really did, but I should give them a heads-up first. "I don't know... I feel like I should tell them alone before you meet them. But maybe you can see them next week," I added, nervously looking up at him.
He smiled down at me. "I'd love to," he said before he leaned in and kissed me.
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Hey guys
I'm terribly sorry that it took me so long to update, but I'm profusely stressed at the moment. I can't wait for this school year to end, but before that, I have one last school concert which is tomorrow. *screams* I'm so done with all the rehearsals in stuffed, hot classrooms and all that frick. I'm not excited for tomorrow neither am I scared (yet) I simply want to get it over with.
So, yep, after this week I have another one and then I'm free. Yaaaaas!! And that hopefully means more chappies and quicker updates. So, yeah, what do you think about Slam? Were you mad at Sam when he told Liz that he didn't want things to get any harder? What a prick, right? LOL. No, I'm just joking. I love my characters even when they fuck up. I feel like a mom. Proud mom right here!!
Anyways,
Please vote/comment?
Hugs and kisses
Kathy