twenty
I woke up at 6:30 AM in the same clothes as yesterday. My hair was everywhere and my phone wasn't charged. I was also really fucking hungry. Looks like I fell asleep crying.
I walk into the bathroom, and I nearly scream at what I see in the mirror. "What in tarnation?" I looked a mess. My eyes were puffy, my nose was red, and my hair looked like I washed it with sewer water. I basically looked awful. I decide to just hop in the shower.
I strip off my clothes, and the hot shower water meets my exposed skin. I closed my eyes, relaxing a little in the water. It felt good, I had been so stressed for so long.
After my shower, I did my daily routine. I didn't look as decent as I did on a daily basis, but it was only school. I didn't need to impress anyone.
I had about 40 minutes left, so I put my phone on airplane mode and plugged it up. I thank Google for that lifehack to make it charge faster.
I walk into the kitchen, and I make myself a cup of coffee and grab a granola bar. I didn't have enough energy to make breakfast.
Just as I got the last granola bar from the box, I hear Eva walk down the hallway and into the kitchen. I'm almost hesitant to hide in the pantry, since I knew she heard me last night, but I just stood there.
"'Morning." She says, grabbing a pop tart from on the top of the fridge.
"Hey." I say quickly, shifting my attention back to my granola bar. My hands starts to tremble for some odd reason, and as I rip the package open, the entire granola bar slams to the floor.
"Shit!" I mumble, quickly throwing the paper and my breakfast away. I wash my hands quickly, drying them in almost 2 seconds.
Eva just stood there watching me from the island. I look up at her, and her neutral face expression changes to concern. I quickly look back down, grabbing my coffee and going to my room to retrieve my phone. I then head to the front door. I wanted this awkward silence to end.
"Can I ride with you?" She asks, and I stop in my tracks. I knew she was probably going to ask questions, and I didn't want to talk. But, I couldn't say no to her.
"Yeah, sure." I say, continuing to walk to the front door, as I hear her grab her things.
I waste no time to go to my car, and immediately connect my phone to the AUX cord. I turn on my morning playlist, which consisted of the Virtues and Vices album. I listened to Panic! all the time, though, so it wasn't really a morning playlist anymore.
Eva arrives about a minute later, and as she closes the door, I drive out of the driveway. I had no idea why I was in such a rush, and why my hands were trembling so much, but it didn't really matter at the moment.
"Are you okay?" Eva breaks the silence, looking in my direction.
"Just peachy," I put my coffee cup to my face, and keep my eyes on the street.
"Huh," Eva looks at me in a doubtful manner, "You're in such a rush and your hands won't stop shaking. Maybe cut loose on the coffee, eh?"
I shrug. "You's must be seeing things. I'm fine."
Eva cracks up at my use of the word 'you's. Our family wasn't from New York, but anytime I was really hype, I'd accidentally use the slang. "You're using North 'York talk," she starts laughing and clapping again, "Seriously, c-cut down on the coffee, kid."
I roll my eyes, putting the cup down. "It was an accident."
"Y'know I don't get it," She says after she's done laughing, "Is that none of your friends have a New York accent."
I shrug lightly, "We don't live where anyone really speaks like they're from Brooklyn. Some kids at our school have the accent, but overtime, you just drop it."
Eva nods in agreement, "Yeah, you're right."
The rest of the drive goes by quickly, and we finally arrive at our school campus. I sigh, getting out of the car and locking it after Eva gets out.
"See you," Eva smiles and walks to the entrance. I wave her goodbye, and walk by myself to the outside tables set up in case anyone wanted to talk to their friends.
There weren't many people in the student lot, since there were at least 20 minutes until first period started.
I wasn't done my coffee yet, and it was still warm. I tried drinking as much as I could at once, praying that more energy would kick in. Most of my energy was drained by me being in a hurry to get here, and now I didn't even feel like getting up. I looked down at the table, and the lack of talking around me, brought me back to the past week. All the people I seen dying, including the person I cared the most about. It brought tears to my eyes, but I didn't let them leak.
"Janelle?" I hear that familiar high pitched voice. I look up a bit to see Pillar, and what seemed like 2 of her friends, hovering over me.
"Hey," I smile weakly, "Who are they?"
"Oh," Pillar exclaims, as she sits next to me and the two of them sit down across from us. "This is Amber and Teresa, my best friends."
"Hi, you must be Janelle," Amber smiles, and I nod slightly. "Pillar is always talking about you," Teresa adds in.
"For a straight girl, she seems to really like you." Amber laughs, and Teresa nods in agreement. I look at Pillar, who doesn't even seem phased by what they say. She must be introduced like this a lot.
Pillar puts her hands up in defense, "What can I say? Janelle is like that one sister that I never had."
I smile at her. "You guys are adorable," I chuckle slightly, but then the pain in my heart stopped me from doing so. I suck in my breath for a second, hoping my mood change wasn't noticeable.
"Well look at the time," I look up at the sky, "I have to get going. I have to turn in late Math homework right now."
"Okay," Amber says as I get up, "It was nice meeting you."
"You guys too." I smile, quickly walking into the school and turning a corner to the girl's bathroom. Luckily, no one was in there. Everyone always went to the upstairs restroom, to talk about private girl bullshit.
I hover over a sink, breathing in and out. I splash water on my face, trying to calm myself down.
But it doesn't work, I immediately break into tears. I couldn't hold it in.
I sit there on the floor, crying for about 5 minutes when I hear the door open. There I see Pillar coming in.
"Janelle, you're a bullshit liar. I seen you come in-" She stops talking when she sees me on the floor. "Oh my god, what happened?" I quickly get up and jump in her arms. She hugs back quickly.
"I don't wanna go back. I don't wanna go back, Pillar! I seen too much shit happen, I-I can't go back!" I cry in her shoulder.
"Conversion therapy?" She asks dumbfoundedly. I nod. "What happened in there?"
I sniff, pulling away from the hug. "I-I think 18 people committed suicide. Then, yesterday my friend in there committed. There's only 5 left now, and it's only been 8 days! I can't do it! I witnessed too much shit!"
"Oh Janelle," Pillar frowns with sympathy, "I'd say I told you so, but now's not a good time. I'm so fucking sorry. I can't believe you've even lasted this long."
I sigh heavily, "I just wanna dig a ditch and die in it."
"No, don't say that!" Pillar shakes her head, "Have you become straight yet, or something?"
I think about that. Was I straight? Was I gay? I didn't even know. I felt as though I learned to hate myself, not to become straight. So my entire plan didn't work.
I shake my head, sighing.
Pillar smiles half heartedly, "That's good. What did you learn?"
"That I'm useless, an awful person, that deserves death. That I can't even save anyone from killing themselves. I'm just so fucking useless."
Pillar frowns, and I could tell she knew that I listened to everything they said. How could you not? I was technically forced to.
Before she could reply, the bell rings. That was really quick. I bet she was contemplating whether or not she was going to stay and comfort me or not.
"Go," I choose for her.
"Are you sure?" She furrows her eyebrows. I nod, and she sighs, giving me a hug then running out of the bathroom. I stand there and splash more water in my face. I dry my face off, and walk out of the bathroom. I felt as if my legs were going to give out any moment, but I kept moving along.
I get to first period homeroom as soon as the bell rings, and I rush to my seat. There I see a concerned Nick, who was eyeing me sadly. I look down at my desk, so he wasn't able to see me with my hair in the way.
After about 20 minutes, and me just fiddling with my fingers, I couldn't take it any longer. I could feel the pain in my heart again, ready to overthrow me.
"It was for the best...goodbye..."
Reagan's voice fills my head, which puts me even more at the edge. My hands start to even more, and I could feel a silent tear drop. I wipe it quickly, then raising my hand.
"May I be excused?" I interrupt my teacher, and I get a nod back. I take the bathroom pass and almost run to the girl's restroom.
I see 3 people in there already, so I just head into a stall and silently cry. It's not like they could hear me, anyway, since they were making a lot of noise with the hand blow dryer and their voices.
I wipe my eyes after 3 minutes, and stop to get a drink of water. I finally walk back into the classroom, and go straight to my desk.
"Are you okay?" Nick whispers to me.
"Just...peachy." I lie, giving him a thumbs up.
First period wasn't even over and I was ready to leave.
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a/n: don't worry there's a part two to this day. :) It's just that I didn't want this chapter to become really long.
Team Jallar (PillarxJanelle) or Team Jadelle (JadexJanelle)?
Word Count: 1830