Chapter 35: It's All in the Words
Fenix's POV
I had to tell her about my son. I couldn't go on letting her believe that she was the cause of the baby's potential heart problem. There was so much I've wanted to tell her about my life, my wife, my son, Carver. I was afraid she'd react the way she'd done many times before, and run far from me. Thats what she did when she got surprised or scared, she ran from me. I couldn't afford to lose her now, not when I was so close.
She had come clean with me, told me everything she was hiding and I owed her the same. It certainly explained her unnatural attachment to runner-up, but that didn't mean I was happy about it. I could never claim that she had only ever had my seed growing inside of her and that stung a little. But who was I to judge when I had a child of my own. I had to tell her everything, starting with my boy.
"Jade I..." I hesitated, looking for strength to finish my confession. "I have a son... and he's very ill. He needs both of his parents together." I admitted sadly. If it wasn't for his illness and constant need for hospitalization, I'd have left Veronica years ago. This entire marriage was one huge mistake.
"Damn it!" She muttered softly. "This makes things complicated." She remarked with frustration and defeat. I wouldn't let her run this time. There was no way I was giving her up so easily.
"Hotness, there's so much I want to tell you, but you've got to understand that my son comes before everyone and everything. His welfare is most important to me, followed by yours." I stated, cupping her face in my hands and forcing her to see the truth in my eyes. I was tired of lying and wasn't going to be deceitful any longer, but first she needed to understand where my priorities lied.
"Okay, I understand that and I don't blame you for doing whatever is necessary for your son. I just wish things were different, less complicated, that's all. It would have been so much easier if we had met years ago, before everything got so messed up." Jade said woefully, but with thoughtfulness.
I could see that she meant every word from her heart, but still it was difficult for her to reconcile. I surprised her, threw her for a loop and for that I was truly regretful. She accepted my offering and held on gracefully, not panicking or running like I expected her to have done. She was strong, so much stronger than she showed people.
"Thank you for being so understanding." I muttered before softly pressing my lips to hers.
The kiss was light, subtle, not anything like the heavy overpowering lustful ones we normally shared. No, no it was different this time, because I was different. I wanted to show her respect and care, not just lust or passion. She needed to know she was more than a toy or a one night stand for pleasure's sake. The way I honestly felt about this strange girl, was unmistakeable.
I loved her and it was like a shot of lightning struck my heart the moment I saw her. It's like she was meant to be mine from that moment on. It seemed crazy at the time, all this love at first sight bullshit, but how could I deny that we grew up in the same town, went to the same school, only I graduated early so we never had the chance to meet.
"I'm sorry for not telling you about him sooner. Carver is such a great kid. He's so vibrant and full of life, even while laying in a hospital bed. He doesn't give up fighting. He reminds me a lot of you in that way. He endures it all quietly and still carries on." I remarked, a small smile coming to my face just thinking of him.
"How old is he? What's he like? Tell me everything." Jade asked exuberantly. I seriously didn't expect her to be so okay with this news about my son, but I guess she figured we'd be in each other's lives for a while, so she needed to get accustom to it.
"Okay hotness. His name is Carver. He's 4 years old. He likes trucks, getting dirty and believe it or not, keeping his room clean. He didn't get that one from me." I chuckled thinking of the constant mess on my desk in my office and in the class room.
"Well badboy, what does he look like? Can I meet him?" She asked eagerly. I don't think I would have suggested meeting him so soon. Maybe she's a bit too eager.
"He has dirty blond hair like my wife and golden eyes. I have no idea where he gets them, maybe someone in my family. As far as meting him, we haven't even finished talking yet, and you already want to meet him. That may be a bit too soon hotness." I remarked carefully.
I had learned after so many months that pregnant women, or this one especially, could be awfully bipolar when it comes to emotions. I had to tread lightly around her. I guess I couldn't blame her after all she'd been through.
"Oh, um okay then. I understand that I guess." She spoke softly and seemed as though she was a little offended that I had turned her down. I gripped her hands and rubbed gentle circles on her hands, as I often did.
"Look, it's not that I don't want you to meet him, it's just that he's sick in the hospital. He's weak, but he's very smart and I'm afraid that if he sees us together, he'll figure things out and be devastated." I explained the best way I could. I noted the slightly saddened look and heavy sigh that escaped her.
"Are you ashamed of me? Is it because I'm fat or hideous? I knew it. You knock me up and then you think I'm ugly because I'm pregnant." after those words she began to cry. Damn. I swear the girl is a mess. I need to re assure her with the truth, not what she wanted to hear.
"Jade, I... I'm not ashamed of you, that you're pregnant with my baby, I want this. And you're not fat or hideous. Have you looked in the mirror? Pregnant or not, you're gorgeous and sexy. I love your body. You make heads turn and dicks hard just by walking by guys. At least you do that to me." I admitted honestly. She was stunning and everyone knew it. I was lucky to have her, well sort of have her.
"Oh, okay then. Flattery will get you everywhere badboy, so remember that." She winked and I was proud to have put out that fire. "So, where did you get the name Carver? It's the same as your tattoo right?" Jade reached out then and traced my tattoo delicately with her fingertips.
It felt so good. I wanted her in my arms, in my life, in my bed so badly I could taste it. But now was not the time for being horny. We still had some serious talking to do and now shed brought up a subject that I didn't want to discuss. Yet it seems only fair since she talked about her baby and I'm certain that was very difficult for her to do.
"Well Jade, I never told you this but" I sighed heavily and closed for a spilt second. "My son is named after my brother Carver." I admitted. Painful memories filled my head that I couldn't ignore and suddenly I was stricken with sadness.
"You have a brother?" She asked in awe, as if another one of me was too much for the universe to handle. She was quite right about that. We were twins and they used to call us 'double trouble'.
"Had a brother." I hesitated because talking about him always choked me up. He was such a good brother, and we were as close as any siblings could be. I missed him.
"I'm so sorry Fenix, I had no idea." Jade said softly and stroked my shoulder gently to comfort me. I was tough. I wasn't going to cry in front of her. I never cried except when he died, when my son was born and when they told us he was sick.
"He was my twin. He died in that train derailment four or so years ago, just before my son was born. So the tattoo, it's for both of them." I replied with a heavy sigh. It's not only my brother who could be dead, my son could just as easily die from his condition as well.
"Let's talk about something else now. How about that bitch. I mean your wife." She smiled and chuckled lightly. I knew she couldn't stand my wife and usually didn't mention her much, but for some reason she wanted to talk about her. She seemed so dead set against Veronica that it was like she was an invading army coming to take over her village.
"Veronica." I sighed, yet again because this story was a classic tale. "She's my wife and I don't love her. End of story." I hesitated to get into the details for fear that she would think that I was doing the same to her, but that was far from the truth. The difference was that I loved Jade and was civil to my wife.
"Come on! There's got to be more than that. I told you all about Nash and I, so start spilling badboy." Jade almost demanded. I loved when she got fierce and tried to stand up to me because really, she was putty in my hands. She always gave in with the right persuasion. I decided that it was better to get it over with now, so that we could move forward.
"We met my first year in college, but it was just a casual friendly relationship. In the second year, we started dating. Of course she was a year older than me, but that didn't stop us from going out a few times." I explained, but it was pretty innocuous so far. We hadn't gotten to the complicated part yet but we were about to.
"Okay, well that sounds pretty innocent." She stated in confusion. It seemed like she thought the story was over already but she was so wrong.
"I wasn't finished hotness." I sighed because I really didn't want to admit that I ruined my life for a purely idiotic reason.
"We dated for two or three weeks, and of course we had sex a few times. But I wasn't entirely interested in her. I sort of used her for sex." I hesitantly admitted with grimace.
"Fenix, I can't believe you did that. You are such a man-whore. How could you do that to her?" Jade spoke in a disappointed tone. i could see the scornful woman slipping o of her, in defense of the wrong I committed against woman kind.
"Look I'm sorry okay. I thought after we dated for a few weeks that I'd be much more interested, but she didn't have what I was looking for. No one did. I didn't want to lead her on so I broke things off. Or at least I thought that I did." Again I was a bit hesitant to get to the main point. I didn't want to offend her any more than I already had. I just wanted her to understand the relationship between my wife and I.
"Go on." She prompted with a look on her face that I couldn't quite decipher. It was something between apprehension and inquisition.
"I didn't see her again until a month or two later when she came to me saying that she was pregnant with my baby. I was 19, I didn't know what to do so I consulted my parents." I explained in all seriousness. It was a difficult time in my life. Coming to terms with the fact that I was going to be a father and had impregnated some woman I wasn't interested in, was a challenge.
"My parents are nice people, don't get me wrong but when they found out, they made me marry her because it was the responsible and respectable thing to do. But I never loved her and I never will. I merely tolerate her for my son's sake. If I could get a divorce, I would believe me." I finished and threw a quick glance at Jade.
The curiosity of whether or not I had done the same to her was written all over her face. She shifted somewhat nervously and opened her mouth to speak but then closed it promptly. I had no idea what was in her beautiful head. She was so unpredictable and irrational at times that there was no way to guess how she'd respond. I only hoped she wouldn't run this time. She stood up and began pacing silently for a minute or so before she decided to respond.
"You never loved her but she's your wife and you only tolerate her?" She asked with no hint as to what mood she was in. Her tone was flat and unremarkable.
"That's correct." I hesitantly replied fearing where she was going with this line of questioning. I didn't need another argument with her. I wanted this to be something different, not the same hot and passionate fight and half assed reconciliation that we often had.
"But you still sleep with her, even though you don't love her?" Jade pried and I could finally see that this was going nowhere good. I had to salvage what I could of this relationship or whatever it was the we had.
"Yes. But not very often, only when I really need it and it means absolutely nothing to me." It came out sounding more pleading than answering the question. I swear I saw a raging fire behind her eyes. I didn't want to get burned by it. So I kept quiet and kept my distance as she paced the floor.
"So you hurt her, lead her on. You tell her one thing, make her believe you, while you know that the opposite is true." She surmised and I admit that it sounded bad when she said it like that. I was incredibly nervous that she was going to grab her things and leave in the middle of the night because she seemed so angry with me. I couldn't have the woman I loved and my baby's mother running around aimlessly at night in the deep woods.
"I guess when you put it that way it's true, but it sounds pretty shady when you say it." I did everything I could do to silently beg for her understanding. I flashed my regretful look, my sad smile and loving stare but I wasn't sure it was enough. She stopped pacing right before me and looked me dead in the eyes.
"You're just like me, dishonest and self serving." She hesitated a moment, long enough to make me squirm.
"We're quite the pair aren't we?" She stated as she fell onto the couch next to me with a sly smile. She was never angry. She was playing me, making me sweat it out. That devious little girl was very good to put one over on me.
"That was not fair hotness. You had me sweating bullets thinking you were going to pack your shit and run." I confessed less than enthusiastically. While I turned to her and caressed the side of her face with my hand.
"Turnabout is fair play badboy, especially after everything you've put me through." She commented softly and lay her head on my shoulder. I continued stroking her hair and down her neck while she sighed quietly.
"I know and I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I didn't anticipate any of this. Not meeting you, wanting you and definitely not..." I hesitated because I wasn't certain if I wanted to finish that sentence. I knew I had to tell her soon enough so now would have to do. I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I was incredibly nervous, but I spit it out nonetheless.
"Jade I... I love you. I fell in love with you the first moment I saw you on the dance floor." I confessed slowly, sincerely. Just as my mouth closed, a soft snore came from beside me and when I looked down on her, I immediately discovered that she was sleeping. Damn it. I'm going to have to admit it again.
I sighed and picked her up to carry her upstairs. Once there I settled her into the bed and tucked her in. I leaned in to kiss her forehead and whisper goodnight. Just as I was about to walk away and settle into my room, she mumbled and grabbed my arm lightly.
"Don't leave. Please stay." She mumbled and closed her eyes again falling back asleep.
It was now that I had a dilemma. I could sleep in bed with her, knowing that the closeness would drive me toward having sex or I could go to my room and leave her alone and possibly angry or disappointed with me in the morning. I didn't want to piss her off. But I didn't want to take advantage of her either. I only wanted to lay with her in my arms and feel her gorgeous body close to mine.
I've been dying to get as close to her again, as the morning I woke up and discovered she was pregnant. She was having my baby and there was really nothing I wanted more than to have a family with someone I actually loved. All those times I was arrogant and cocky I was just hiding from my feelings, from my real life. I never wanted it to be this way. I wanted it to be how it feels with her in my arms.
I made a choice and hoped it was the right one. Quietly, I took off my jeans and button up shirt and left them on the chair by the bed leaving me in only my plaid boxers. I slipped into bed next to her and lay on my back with one arm behind my head. She must have felt my presence because she instinctively rolled over and cuddled up next to me. It seemed instinctual and that made me think that she felt just as I did.
I smiled at the errant thought that this could be our life. Just her and I together like this. She started stirring after a while, so I caressed her hair to lull her back into a deep sleep. I could lay here like this forever. I could touch her, hold her forever and I'd be the happiest man alive. But I knew there was no way she felt the same about me. If she did she wouldn't have tried to hide that I was the baby's father or acted so off put by me all of those other times we spent together.
"Fenix." She mumbled and stirred again, getting comfortable in her sleep. "I love you." I smiled when I heard those words because they were the ones I'd been waiting for.
I pulled her closer to me and wrapped my arms around her gently, rubbing her stomach when I felt the baby kick. I drifted off to sleep feeling happier and more satisfied than I had felt before. The woman that I loved, loved me back and what could be better than that?
That night I had the best dream, one where I was in bed with Jade and she confessed that she loved me. I felt happy but I knew it was just a dream so I lay there silently and kept my eyes closed to shield them from the morning light. I attempted to get more sleep when a gentle shaking and soft voice whispered to me.
"Hey." That sweet familiar voice said. "What the hell are you doing in my bed?" She asked just as my eyes snapped open, only to be greeted by beautiful golden brown ones. I guess it wasn't a dream after all. I slowly shook the sleep away and remembered that she didn't want me to leave her last night.
"It was your request hotness. You asked me to stay." I whispered back in response. Taking in the beauty of her body full with my child and the glow of her skin in the soft early morning light.
"Oh. Well, I guess that's different then. Uh thanks for staying. I think? Did we... you know, did anything happen?" She mumbled in a low whispered tone, like she was almost afraid to hear the answer. Maybe she didn't mean what she said. Maybe I dreamed that part.
"Nothing happened, don't worry. Not that I didn't want it to." I added, almost under my breath. I sighed thinking that we would have to have that talk, the one about love and I'd be forced to face her rejection once again.
I couldn't help the way I acted around her, so cocky and arrogant. It's just the way I'd learned to be since I married Veronica. The marriage hardened me and walled off my heart. I figured that I'd be stuck with her forever when all I really wanted was to find someone worthy of my love. I couldn't love my wife. For some reason I just couldn't do it.
"Why are we whispering there's no one here but us?" Jade asked with that confused looked I loved. She was beautiful in every way and her heart was guarded, like a fortress to get into, but she wore it on her sleeve.
"I have no idea." I commented back watching her lips pull up into a smile. At least she was in a good mood. I guess I'd broach the subject while she wasn't angry with me. "Jade?"
"Yeah badboy?" She answered as I pulled her into my arms and she rested her head on my chest, right above my heart.
"We need to talk about something. I, I need to tell you something important." I explained and hoped she didn't fall back asleep and I was doing this for nothing, again. She nodded in response and began tracing circles on my chest. It was turning me on but I had to stay focused.
"Your heart, it's racing. Are you nervous?" When she asked that question, I realized that I was nervous indeed. This was the first time a girl had made me this nervous, although my heart was always on fire around her. I felt like it was beating out of my chest, but in the best way.
"I suppose so." I replied lightly, but it sounded more exasperated than anything else.
"What is it? Oh my god you don't have another wife or something do you? Just tell me please." Her voice was pleading but held a hint of frustration and nervousness.
"Jade I... Damn it, I'm just going to say it. Jadalynn Ashley Waters, I love you." And there it was. It was finally out in the open and it felt so much better to have confessed. Yet it also felt awkward and nerve wracking. I expected many responses from 'I love you' to 'screw off', however I didn't expect the one that I was greeted with.
She burst out laughing seconds later which really strokes a guy's ego. She lifted her head to look at me and then began another round of raucous laughter. Well, I guess that answered my question of whether she meant it when she said it last night in her sleep.
"That's funny. Nice one Rivers, nice." She continued to chuckle whilst I stared at her in disbelief. Did she honestly think this was a joke? Who would make a joke of love when so many complicated things revolved around it?
"Jade I'm serious. I love you. I've loved you since the moment I saw you in that club." I admitted seriously. She just stared at me with confusion and wide-eyed surprise.
"I was drawn to you and I just couldn't stay away. There's something about you that makes me jealous, protective and irrational when I'm around you. And I, I honestly love you." I fished feeling quite cheesy like some stupid romance novel.
After those last words left my mouth, I realized that I sounded like Olivia Newton-John in that sappy love song she sang in the 80's. She was my mother's favorite singer, otherwise I'd have no idea who the hell she was. Yeah, it was definitely like a cheesy novel. I looked at Jade and suddenly felt like an idiot.
"I'm going to go now." I muttered and attempted to shimmy out of bed but before I'd taken one step Jade shouted at me.
"Wait! You're serious?" She asked with skepticism. I nodded my head in affirmation because the wash of rejection I was drowning in kept me tongue tied. I gazed into her gorgeous eyes and attempted to unveil my feelings and show her with one look, how much I sincerely loved her.
"You're serious." She hesitated and then got up on her knees to kneel in front of me so we were both about level, with her on the bed facing me.
"What the hell? Why didn't you tell me? Why did you act like such an ass all this time?" She smacked my chest which stung but it actually felt kind of good. Anytime she was close to my body, it felt good.
"I'm sorry okay I should have told you. I don't know what to.." Before I had even finished apologizing her lips were on mine.
She tasted sweet, delicious. Jade attacked my mouth with hers an I grabbed her, pulling her into my body as our mouths moved feverishly. All I could feel was her body, her lips, her tongue dancing with mine. It made me horny. I waited so long and wanted her so badly. I didn't think I could wait a moment longer.
I gently laid us both on the bed and rested atop her with most of my weight on my right arm, leaving my left one free to caress her hair, then face and finally I slowly moved under her shirt. I skimmed her warm, soft skin and rested my hand on her breast, flicking her hardening nub with my thumb.
"Fenix, I don't want to have sex with you." Her words caught my attention.
I immediately removed my hand from her chest and pulled away from her, staring at her quizzically. I was under the impression that her actions were her answer, but I suppose I shouldn't assume. A slight feeling of rejection and heartache flooded me. She didn't love me like I thought she did. It was the worst feeling in the world to have your heart crushed in mere seconds.
"O... oh." I stuttered like an idiot. "I should go." I responded quickly and attempted to get out of bed but her legs wrapped around my waist trapping me against her body. I was so confused that I didn't know my ass from a hole in the ground.
"I said I didn't want to have sex with you." She hesitated which prompted me to respond, possibly too quickly since she threw me a scolding look.
"Yeah, I got that the first time, which is why I was attempting to leave. Look, it's okay if you don't want to have sex. I mean I do, I'm a guy. I want it so badly but I can deal with that, make it work. No matter what happens, I'm still taking care of you and my baby." The words rushed out somewhat cautiously before I knew I'd said them. I sounded desperate, and I was. I wanted her, I needed her in my life more than I ever needed anything.
"Rivers." She smacked the back of my head and realized that maybe she liked it a little rough. "Shut up. You've got it all wrong." She commented. Her words said one thing but her tone was that of the Jade who was constantly annoyed with her sex crazed professor.
"I don't want to have sex with you because..." She hesitated just a second to gaze deeply, intensely into my eyes. "I want it to mean so much more than sex. I should probably tell you that I, I love you too and I want you to show me your love for me. Make love to me." She whispered the last part, her warm breath brushing my ear and making me shiver with desire. I was actually so surprised that I froze. It took a few seconds to register what she said but when it sank in, I immediately began my mission of showing Jade exactly how much I loved her.
With in a few seconds our clothes were off and my lips were fighting with hers. She held a handful of my bark hair while I stroked down her body. I loved the feel of her. Her skins was burning, her chest full and nubs hardened. Her body was soft yet firm and she was wet and ready which I discovered when I slid my hand down her body and between her legs.
I wanted to do this right. I wanted to show her, make her feel the way I felt about her. This wasn't going to be some quick fuck in the men's bathroom. This was going to be everything I wanted and needed. She was everything I'd been looking for and all I would ever need.
I began to pleasure her, rubbing my fingers on her hot spot and pushing a finger inside. I pumped her firmly, fast and slow while rubbing her outside with my thumb. She was moaning and writhing and within a minute she grabbed my hardness and began stroking me. Her hands were so soft and warm. I wanted to feel her, be inside of her so I sped up my hand motion and had her coming.
She immediately released me and enjoyed the pleasure she felt. I removed myself from her and stared at her beautiful face. I was going to enter her and I wanted to see her face when I did. She opened her eyes seconds later and gave me this pleading look. I decided to put her out of her misery and lined up at her opening, pressing against her lightly and feeling her wetness on the tip.
Just then a thought entered my mind. A condom, I didn't know if I had one and we should probably use one. I reached across the bed and riffled through the bedside table only to come up empty handed. I was frustrated because I wanted to make love to her more than anything else in this world. I sighed heavily banging my head softly against her shoulder. Why? Why me?
"What badboy? What are you looking for?" She inquired with a puzzled look.
"A condom. I don't have any." I answered and sighed again in frustration. The puff of air passed my lips and I desired for that air to be her tongue.
"You're and idiot sometimes. You do know that right?" She gently smacked me on the back of the head and then grabbed my hand, trailing it down her body to her stomach. It was swollen. That's when I remembered she as pregnant. I am an idiot.
"Sorry I forgot. I'm just a little..." Before I could finish she wrapped her legs around me and pulled me closer to her while invading my mouth with her tongue. She wrapped her arms around my neck drawing nearer to me and grabbed a fistful of my hair.
"Now Fenix." She whispered in my ear, her warm breath giving me goosebumps. "Make love to me."
I pushed into her gently and slowly, but with every bit of excitement and enthusiasm I had. She felt amazing, so much better than I remembered. I had waited forever for this moment and I was going to make it last. Her warm wetness was so inviting. It felt like ecstasy to slid in and out of her slowly, teasingly. I didn't want to rush things or tease her, I wanted to show her how I felt with my body. I wanted to connect to her on a different level.
I ran my lips across her neck as I continued to push my hardness into her with long, slow strokes. If I could feel this forever I'd be the happiest man alive. My hot breath brushed her skin as my mouth skimmed her neck and collar bone on the way down to her chest. I stopped at her mounds and took a hardened nub in my mouth. I played with it, biting, licking, sucking and swirling my tongue around the tip. She tasted divine and I wanted to give her great pleasure, as much as her body gave me.
She moaned and writhed as I slowly and rhythmically pressed into her with enough pressure to feel good but not enough to be forceful. I wanted to take my time and draw out her elation. I pushed and pushed, sliding in and out of her wetness. My stiffness was throbbing as her walls constricted around it each time I entered further. I could barely stand it but I had to finish her off first. I needed her to come.
"Come on baby, come for me." I whispered to her, bringing my mouth back up to her ear as I continued to pump her. She was calling out to me and groaning but I decided to pick up the pace a bit because I could hardly hold myself back. I began to steadily and quickly press into her with just enough force to have her muscles tightening in a minute.
"Oh god I love you." She panted as I stroked her hard nubs while pumping her a few more times. I felt her walls strangle my member and then a sudden gush of fluid which told me that she had come. I pumped a few times more and my balls were constricted and throbbing.
"Jade, I love you." I said and then released into her not a moment later. We both lay panting and begging for air. Our hearts were racing and our tired bodies slicked with sweat and bodily fluid. This was the moment I'd been waiting for for months.
I loved this girl completely, hopelessly, irrationally and making love to her was the most important thing that I'd done thus far. We were going to be together now. I was going to figure out a way to leave my wife and make a family with Jade, the baby and my son, or I was going to die trying.
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And that people, is what you wanted... Thanks so much for waiting guys!! I hope you all see Fenix in a new light and give him a bit of a chance. But if you think this story is over, then HELL NO... Ahahahahaha there's no way a story of mine would ever be that simple.
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