Pills and alcohol.
The words ringing in my head, options floating around in my skull like the grey storm clouds in the night sky about to thunder down on me.
I breathed heavy, my tears like wet paths running down my cheeks as my sweaty palms gripped the bar of the cold metal bridge ten meters above the lake.
I could have just ended it with pills and alcohol, but there was just something so poetic about driving head first into the freezing cold lake in midst of an approaching thunderstorm.
Leaving life the same way it had treated me,
Cold.
I licked my sanguine swollen lips, sniffing as a drizzle of rain showered down like an alarm clock forcing me to get ready for my leap into the unknown.
Unknown because physically sure, I knew where I was going, to the bottom of the lake, but my soul...
I wasn't sure if hell was real, but I'm sure heaven would have no mercy for my selfish heart.
The drops greeting my skin so gently infusing with my tears as my dark hair began to cluster together from the wetness, clinging to my cold soft delicate porcelain skin patched in black and blue blots.
I breathed in as if I was about to inhale all of the raindrops in the sky, slowly looking up as I exhaled any doubt from my mind.
The quiet bridge, the quiet night,
The perfect escape.
My heart like a crack addict at his peak, my palms sweaty, the rain seeping into his oversized white t-shirt, the first bang of thunder, my tummy in knots, my lips swollen, my mind like it had never been before, tangled like a jungle mess.
I let go.
I felt my fingers purposely slip from the cold metal as I stood on the thin bar, the platform holding life and death,
I chose the latter.
My body already lifeless, as I forced myself to fall through the air like a rag doll, no struggle for survival,
I was truly fucked up.
My brown coffee eyes shut, not wanting to see the world any longer, what a fucked place it was, why would I want the last glimpse of its misery, it's the reason for my insanity.
My ears blocked out as I hit the freezing cold murky water, breaking the barrier of the stillness that surfaced it.
The liquid kissing my skin with its icy cold touch, floating around me as it had swallowed me in, I slowly opened my eyes, unable to see a thing. I forced my limbs to not swim to the surface as I waited in those moments for my lungs to grant me everything I desired,
For it to stop working.
Those moments felt like forever, waiting to die felt like forever.
My eyes slowly closed as my long dark hair danced in slow motion around my face.
My mind felt like it was sinking into another place, as if my soul was fading in and out of two worlds,
I couldn't breathe.
My body weak as my soul floated to the world unknown,
Death felt like a blissful dream,
But the fingers wrapping my wrist didn't, it was rough, thick and delicate at the same time.
God?