My Name is Bill Cipher

You Have No Idea

     "You're back," I state, deadpan, as the young Pines twins stare at me. I sit up, my pain and indecision gone.
     "You were mumbling in your sleep," Mabel returns. "Were you dreaming?"
     They could hear me? "Oh, uh, yeah. Just a dream," I rub the back of my neck, embarrassed. "So what happened after I passed out?"
    Dipper shakes his head in defeat. "The statue... man, that thing is indestructible! We thought it was just stone... I still don't think it's a bad  idea for you to try to break it, but we found it. Heh, Mabel even asked me if she could shake its hand for a picture in her scrapbook! Well, of course I said no," he laughs hollowly. "However, no matter how we tried to destroy it, that creepy thing wouldn't even chip! Maybe we should have kept the journals, they might have helped us out now..."
     He runs his fingers through his hair. He doesn't know what to do. I think it's really getting to him. I can tell that he hates feeling out of control. And though many times the solutions are within his grasp, this time, it isn't.
     "No use dwelling on the past," Mabel tells him collectively. Her hands are nicely folded on her lap. An aura of peace surrounds her. I think when she notices that her brother is losing authority over a situation, she tends to take over. I kind of wish I had someone to back me up like that. "What's done is done," she continues. "Right now, we need to figure out how to destroy it if it really is the thing keeping Bill on the brink of insanity."
     "I know I told you to destroy it... but pain can cause you to say crazy things," I admit. "My dream was about me in my old form. I realized how great it was, how great I felt. I missed that." The twins look to each other. I can't interpret what the looks on their faces mean. "But I also realized that... I missed this," I say, blushing with embarrassment, because why would a powerful being such as me in that form feel the need to be genuinely cared about?
Mabel has a sympathetic look in her eyes, but Dipper groans. "This keeps going back and forth. Do you want to be human or not? Do you want to stay here or not? Why are you so undecided? We really are trying to help you!" He waves his arms in exasperation.
"Be quiet!" I yell back, standing up defiantly. "You have no idea what it's been like!"
He stands up as well, and we are standing face to face. He doesn't intimidate me! "That's true," he spits back, "but it's like you aren't acknowledging our help at all!" He clenches his fists at his side. I have never seen him become this angry. "And just when it seems that you're going to, you suddenly start whining about how much you miss your old self, but you don't really, but you do, don't-"
     "SHUT UP!" I roar in outrage. My voice has the echo to it, and I know I'm about to lose myself. But the scariest thing is, I'm fully conscious. I'm turning into my old self, and I'm fully aware. I remember my hatred for Pine Tree's words. "HAHAHAHAHAHA!" I'm angry with him, but for some reason, I'm insanely happy. Is it because I'm back to being my old self, or is this always how I've been? "YOU PINES THINK YOU'RE SO HIGH AND MIGHTY-"
     A hard blow of knuckles meets my jaw. I fall to the ground, my mind going blank for a moment. After being still for a moment, I open my eyes to see that Shooting Star was the one whom the punch belonged to. Shocked, she stares back at me, her mouth hanging open. Obviously she had never done anything such as that before, because she is frantically questioning her brother, "Did I hurt him?"
     "No, you did fine," her brother replies with a grim expression on his face. "You were conscious, weren't you?" he asks me, his jaw set. His posture and stance seem calm and still, unlike when he was arguing with me, but his eyes burn with a fiery hatred. "Yet you still... Don't you understand why you can't stay here? You're really, truly dangerous. And if you're becoming like this at will? It may not be that stone form at all that's making you do these things. You just really are an evil person." Dipper stares me down, his angry gaze losing none of its heat. I try to return the look, but I lack the passion that he has. "And I don't want you to hurt our family," he glances at his sister, "or anyone in Gravity Falls! So don't convince yourself that you're acting this way because of your new human emotions, or because it's your old form, or that you're two different people or anything. You aren't. All you are is yourself. You are Bill Cipher. You can't change that. And Bill Cipher can't change who he is."
I have nothing to say. I know he's right. I wish he was wrong deep somewhere inside me. I am Bill Cipher forever. And whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, I can't change it. I repeat back in a low, small, and soft voice, "I am Bill Cipher."