Chassé
a gliding step in dancing in which one foot displaces the other.
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I know this all sounds cynical but life isn't a bed of roses. Isn't it just better to call it quits before things get too hard and your heart gets broken. Mediocrity isn't that bad. And it's not in fact better to have loved and lost, than to not to have loved at all. We need to stop believing all these silly quotations.
The reality is that one will, one way or the other, lose. It might bring you down and lose miserably with creased hands, a few more worry lines, and in the end, a broken spirit. That could happen. It is a possibility one must be willing to accept
But what if we kept fighting? And what if all that fighting, and modifying situations, and risking your heart all over again, led to something? What if that nothing led you into something you really crave for? What if this belief kept you going and eventually you went to that promised place – that promised place of success? What if, after everything, you finally won?
It would all have been worth it. And I'd bet anyone would go through twice the pain to get to that place. But this place is every bit as real as it is imaginary. Everyone thinks the glory is in this place but as those who did their very best and failed will tell you: The glory was always in the process; the outcome only makes it sweeter.
Scars are better than thin skin. I could've given up and never know who I might have been but I refuse. And that I decided, I am going to put my heart to it and risk it if I must
"At the end of this, you'll get him, I'll get Liz"
I kept watching Liz's moves after what Darren told me. I didn't notice this before but indeed, he was right. Lizelle could be really stubborn at times, most especially when she thinks she's doing the right thing. She'll choose it even if it means it'll hurt people because she would always believe in doing right is always an act of love.
Foolish I know but maybe that made Darren fall for her harder. The decisions she makes today, compromise of what woman she is tomorrow but I really need to see it myself. I need to test the waters
"Sounds cliché and overrated but" Dennis began after looking at Tippy(Adrian's stepsister)'s Debut Pictorial, on Adrian's iPad. He began swiping the screen to scan for more and I couldn't put the words to begin how beautiful Tippy is, now that she's a fully grown woman "Really, time flies so fast. Look at Tippy, magdedebut na siya. She's like.. forever 12 years-old to me" He said and handled the iPad to Adrian
"Yeah it's crazy" He said looking at the pictures one more time. He tossed his iPad on the table and ran his hands at the back of his neck "Whenever I think about it and here we are getting older each day" He sighed
"Stop choking the chicken at magasawa ka na kasi, Ade " Ted uttered as he grabbed the iPad on the table and started swiping the screen
From what I've know Adrian since we were kids, It wasn't that Adrian wanted to get married. I'm certain he just wanted to fall in love. Could that really be possible? He had a reputation for being the playboy, but he'd earned that by exclusively dating btches, most of them cheerleading-brats, for the first three years of high school.
Adrian admitted he was picky. That was a good thing, in my opinion. And Adrian didn't mind seeming rude for dropping dates so quickly. Why keep them on the line if he knew it was never going to go anywhere? Adrian thought that was rude.
"Buzz off, Ted" Adrian scoffed "Pagaasawa madali lang. It's finding the right girl that's pretty hard"
"Of course, It'll be hard for you Adrian." Elaine sat right next to Ted after she laid out some more drinks and finger foods on the coffee table "You keep on looking at a wrong place you know"
Accepting a shot of panacea from Elaine, Adrian gulped it all. Elaine shrugged and sat leaning at Ted's after crossing her legs. Ted pulled Elaine to his side a bit while still smirking at our friend on a hot seat, Adrian.
"Please, Laine" Adrian rolled his eyes as he drank his beer at hand "Spare me the preaching"
"Hey about the debut, isn't it next month?" Liz asked closing her Neurology book at hand
"Dad wanted it on EDSA-Shang but Tippy refuses to have it in a traditional way. She wants to have a party in the beach and invite few people. Of course, Sabi ko sa kanya, we could have a mini getaway before her actual debut.. all expense paid by yourstruly" Adrian chewed on the cheesestick when Dennis passed up the plate
It was one of those late night saturday gathering of our Barkada, just the usual us but this time I was thankful Travis wasn't with us tonight
"Nangliligaw si Darren sa akin and.. I was wondering if it's okay with you"
I saw how Elaine's smile fell off from her face. Dennis jerked his head up at that.
"Darren? Bustamante?" Elaine glanced at Liz whose expression was unreadable. Elaine chewed her bottom lip and then darted her full attention back at me "How'd you guys know each other?". Her tone wasn't for curiosity. It was for confirmation if I'm being serious
The way Liz was acting from the sideline and the gleam in her eyes made me wonder what I was up to.
"It's a long story Laine and—"
"It's okay. I don't mind" They all stopped and stared when Liz finally spoke "It's not that I have the right to say yes neither no. Wala lang sakin yun" But her eyes betrayed everything she just said out loud. It betrayed her soul.
The way she said "It's okay", it was like she wasn't convincing us but herself.
I've known Lizelle Yuchengo long enough. She prefers jeans to dresses, movies to plays, beer instead of wine. She knows what the blue line is. She like barbecues instead of fancy balls, and the Beatles instead of Beethoven.
She likes to plan much, from the tiniest detail down to the main point. I've known her for quite a long time to the point that I knew that her eyes spoke different meaning from her words and I knew by then, Darren was right.
"Okay" I said and turned to Adrian "So you wont mind if I bring him along on Tippy's party?"
"Sure.." My eyes wasn't tricking me, I saw how Liz's body became rigid when I asked Adrian about it. We both waited for Liz reaction, just so she could say something. Anything but there was none.
"If Liz' wont mind then I guess you could tag Darren"
To our surprise, Liz stood up and gathered her book "I need to go" She glanced on her Patek Philippe watch and said "May exam pa ako sa monday. Bye"
Liz is still definitely hung up to him but what pisses me off the most is the fact that she refuses to concede. She could be bossy. Underline. Bold. Large type face. Period. End of statement. This is her core. But the thing about her core being, the rough edges get sanded down by life. She needed to know when her attitude was damaging her
Darren was right all along
The moment I realized it, my mind involuntarily shifted to the moment I decided to submerge myself on Darren's plans.
Darren sat there across from me, staring into my eyes for what felt like an eternity until he spoke.
"Travis didn't kill their unborn child, it was something else"
"You know even if you would tell me that, it's no use. They're engage. It wont change anything. I laid out my self for Travis and it came to the point I begged him to choose me. Sad fact that he didn't"
"That's where you're wrong, Monique." His gaze seemed to singe my skin as he spoke. His eyes were solid color of brown. Striking and magnetizing. The shade reminded me of those mouth-watering chocolates. They were topped with thick lashes and dark, expressive brows. His skin was a bit tan, but not dark. His features were hard, but his full lips softened them.
"What do you mean?"
"If we do something, things could change. I guess, Michelle has been keeping it from everyone else but she just can't keep this forever. My mom was her OB and I was there when she said after ultrasound that the baby has anencephaly. It's serious birth defect in which a baby is born without parts of the brain and skull"
There are times when our perspectives are changed. Usually it's when we are told some fact or point, and out view of something is gently nudged one way or another. It's usually a very fluid, natural, and gentle process, like someone putting a finger under your chin and lifting your head.
With those words Darren just uttered to me, my perspective did indeed change, and it was far from a gentle thing. Something horribly violent happened inside my head, and a few things may very well have come unscrewed.
Several terrible shocks ran through me and it took me a minute to process just what he had said.
"Babies born with anencephaly will die shortly after birth. My mom already advised her that she could terminate the pregnancy but she refused. After all, Ano na lang panghahawakan niya kay Travis kung nagkaganon?"
"You mean, all these time? It's unbelievable and it's too much to hear." I think something inside me may very well have broken when Darren told me that. "So she knew it all along and yet.. She lets Travis be eaten up alive by all those guilt he felt.Travis has to know, Darren" I said with so much conviction
"You can't just blurt to Travis about it"
"Why the hell not? He has every right to know" I looked up at Darren with the saddest, most hope filled eyes, puppies would be ashamed.
Darren held my face in one hand, gently wiping his thumb on it
"If you spill it to him, what are the chances that he might actually believe you? He will question your motives, Monique.. it's screaming on your forehead with a neonlight"
I was taken aback by Darren's words and somehow, I found myself agreeing. Knowing Travis, Sino ba naman ako para paniwalaan? It was the first time in a long time that I could remember being emotionally weary, like I just wanted to rest my soul. "Then how?"
"Pagseselosin natin si Travis until he knows what he lost"
"That's childish, Darren. Anong connect?"
"Connect? So you would prefer that he'll crawl back to you just because of it? Pinili ka lang kasi may utang na loob siyang nalaman niya sayo yan? Do you like it better that way?" He replied in such a way it almost seemed like he was snapping the words at me. I nearly recoiled.
"This isn't about me, Darren. It's about Travis being tied up on something he didn't do. I was his friend long before we became something more."
"Well, if you really are a friend.. then, think about it Monique"
"I don't know, Darren.. it's just that-- it's too much" The realization of what might happen struck me. I watched as he then grew silent while my face contorted as if I had just been punched in the stomach repeatedly. "And besides, If ever naman pumayag ako.. What makes you think Travis would actually buy that? He wont, trust me"
"Not if we make it appear like we're taking it seriously. I'm a guy, Monique and I know how a guy's mind works. I know what I'm doing. I just need your full consent and acting then you just have to let me handle this." He replied curtly, with a short half-smile, before another sip punctuated what he said like a period.
"We'll pretend that we're so madly in love and then—"
"Madly?"He laughed and leaned into me, which seemed brought relaxation on my unreeling nerves. "Who said about madly? Kahit 'In love' could do just fine pero if you insist madly, I'm not hard to please"
I rolled my eyes "Charming, Darren.. really charming"
His five o'clock shadow made him look rougher than I had even seen him upclose, but it was so sexy. He grinned and the adorable boyish quality could have made any girl feel completely melted inside.
"I know" He winked at me. He was handsome, true. He's even more attractive than his picture portrayed mostly by the paparazzi. His spikey hair neatly in place, he carried himself with an air of authority.
"What the catch? What's it to you? I had this feeling that this one comes with strings attached"
"Hindi ka lang pala maganda, matalino din" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I never pegged Darren as someone who he said things like that or maybe, I just don't know him enough. I didn't know why it surprised me so much.
I laughed, throwing that luscious hair where it slipped out of the comb. It cascaded down my back.
"Hindi ka lang pala gwapo, mambobola din" Even when I thought he was arrogant I sensed that he had a deep desire to fix everyone
"Touché, Monique, Touché"
"Sabihin mo na!"
"I can't tell you anything more but one thing's for sure.. At the end of this, you'll get him, I'll get Liz"
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After those first three weeks of working out some of the harder issues, we both agreed that we should hang out as often as we could so we should be comfortable and convincing right in front of my friends.
So with all the grief in our lives in the past couple of years, we made a good decision. We were going to date. There would be no friends with benefits. Not between us, or outside of us. We were going to be exclusive for one another in the eyes of everyone
Darren Bustamante was definitely an interesting guy. He was really nice and thoughtful, yet curt and almost cold at times. He would sometimes just drift off when I talked to him and sometimes do it in the middle of doing something. It was as if he was having a flashback.
But yet he was very mindful of me when I was around, always asking if there was something he could do for me. Always cracking a joke to make me laugh.
As I got to know Darren more, I began to see how much we were alike. Darren wasn't really mean, he had a very sarcastic sense of humor like I did, and soon we began to joke constantly.
I would smile and even laughed along with him. He was so comforting I enjoyed his company very much.
I sat on the patio steps and leaned back against the railing, looking out at the ocean. I intended to think, but mostly I stared out at the ocean and let the images burn themselves into my mind.
I grabbed on my DSLR and captured it. The coastline was absolutely gorgeous that could rival the white sand beach of Boracay and the serenity of Pagudpud
We are the first few to arrived at one of the unspoiled enchanting islands of Calaguas in Tinaga Island at Camarines Norte for Tippy's mini getaway
I was just staring off into space, my eyes almost looking as if I was glazed over. I watched the ocean for maybe a minute before I shook my head, grabbing the cup of tea and taking a big swig of it.
Just as I stretched out my legs and closed my eyes, a very sleepy looking Darren wandered out onto the patio.
"Hey," He called out to me with a smile. His face was on the round side; cherubically cheerful, one might call it, especially wearing that grin I had yet to see him without.
He was obviously charged from the long trip we had. We came to Naga and then went for a two-hour drive to Daet, it was one of the longest trips one could ever venture to but just looking out here at the vast beauty of nature Is just so worth it
"Why are you so sad?"
My eyes snapped open as I turned them to meet Darren's gaze, and his question. "What makes you think I'm sad?"
He gave a slight nod and looked away.
"You're up early. Maya pa party nung sister ni Adrian di'ba?" He asked me as he started looking around the white sand beach
I sighed. "I couldn't sleep."
Darren looked over to me and leaned on railing with one arm. "Why?"
"I... was just thinking a lot. Kept myself up," I told him
"About?" he asked. I was surprised by lines of concern on his face. Usually the only emotion I could see was in his eyes was mischief
"Hmm, nothing," I said, moving to the side of the step. "Come sit."
"You look... I don't know. Like you're worried about something."
"Ok." I took an incredibly deep breath, letting it out slowly. I rubbed my legs with my hands. I was clearly nervous."Hold my hand?" I asked, not meeting Darren's gaze.
He took my trembling hand in his own and gave it a squeeze. It never seized to amaze me how comfortable I was with him.
Although we didn't know one another that much compared to my friends who were around since the time began, I was entirely at ease and the lack of conversation was not at all awkward.
"Chill lang and act your best" He said
"Easy for you to say" I glanced back at the ocean some more and sighed "I know my friends and they have been around since Grade school. It's hard to trick them"
We didn't talk much. Not that that was unusual. We communicated in ways other than talking as often as or more than with words. Today, however, both of us seemed absorbed in private thought.
Taking my hand he led me across the open area to the tree line and a small foot path that took us deeper into the white sand beach. The warm breeze ruffled my hair and causing me to shiver.
He didn't say a word but held out his hand to me. I had no idea where he intended to lead me, but I took it. I normally was annoyed when guys tried to act mysterious.
Now, however, sI was far from annoyed. I got the feeling that this was not in the least an act for him. This was just who he was.
I slowed down making him jolt to a stop. He looked around as far as he could see we were the only ones there. Probably, Ted was still asleep. Adrian,on the other hand, was busy with Tippy. Dennis told us that he'll follow suit a little later than most of us because of a commercial shoot
However, Liz and Elaine were waiting at the bus stop to pick up Travis and Mich who were both due to arrive this morning
"I don't get it Darren. Why did we come here?"
Right then a Frisbee came almost in a stealth mode. Up over my head and Darren reached out to catch it. Through a hilarious action we got off balanced and started tumbling our way down an incline. When they were dead stopped he was on top of me.
"Are you alright?" he asked turning to face me. His proximity was somehow giving me a thud which is unusual
We stared at each other's soul for awhile until slowly, carefully, my heart thundering in my chest, Darren brought his lips down to mine and gently pressed them together which shock me to the core.
I was so shocked at first I opened my eyes and stared at him, but I didn't pull back. His eyes were open a bit, to catch my expression, I supposed. And I found my body relaxed despite the shock at first
I didn't kiss back and upon realizing this, I began to pull back but he held me still. I I felt how his hands were running up to my face and tunneling into my hair. I felt him somehow draw me in without our lips ever parting.
The kiss seemed to go on forever but there was no tongue. Just a tight-lip kiss. Time could have stopped for all I had known. Or cared.
But alas, our kiss did break. Neither of us opened our eyes to look at the other as he rest his forehead against mine. I felt him smile, somehow, before I heard someone spoke
"Wow. Akala ko sinong naghaharutan"
Darren sat up and offered a hand as he did. His smile was never fading, but it wasn't as genuine.. just a full of mischief
I glanced at my left only to discover why
Liz was standing there with Elaine whose hands were on her lips. That explains the mischievous smile of Darren.
But there was more.
Behind Liz, stood in his glory, was Travis holding a traveling bag
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(A/N
Anencephaly happens if the upper part of the neural tube does not close all the way. This often results in a baby being born without the front part of the brain (forebrain) and the thinking and coordinating part of the brain (cerebrum). The remaining parts of the brain are often not covered by bone or skin. Newborn with this only lives for about a day or less than a week
)