Kairi slowly deteriorated over the next two weeks as Sherlock, Mycroft, and John dove head first into the case of Sebastian Moran. They were trying to get more and more information from their sources in the government, the homeless network, and criminals who tended to snitch for the right price. There was no length Sherlock wasn't willing to go to find Sebastian Moran. However, in his fervor, Kairi was left in the way-side, consumed by her past.
Molly was busy with work, but would try to visit until Kairi shut her out completely. She wouldn't even respond to Lestrade or Mrs. Hudson, who both threatened to break down the door unless they heard from her. She spent most of her time watching Disney movies, drinking whiskey, and smoking. She could barely sleep with visions of fiery hands gripping her skin and leaving painful, boiling welts, waking her to breathless and dry sobs that wracked her body. The time spent in the darkness, alone was debilitating and all she could feel was a desperate fear. Even Appa couldn't pull her from her misery. She fed him and took him out for walks in the middle of the night when she knew no one would be awake, only to ensure that she kept her hermithood. Eating was practically impossible. The smell of food made her sick and trying to ingest anything except coffee and whiskey ended up in a violent puking session that left her dizzy for hours. Her soul was sick and slowly disappearing.
Sherlock was gone almost all the time and Kairi didn't necessarily mind. He hadn't really tried to talk to her and most of his attempts were rebuffed by her inability to stay focused. She'd asked him to leave twice at the beginning of her seclusion and he hadn't returned since. She wanted to be alone. She didn't want to be around anyone. She wanted to disappear.
Being sexually assaulted at such a young age made sense of her adult life. Symptoms such as depression, anxiety, insomnia, lack of intimacy, trouble forming relationships, and much, much more harrowed the life she could remember. All of that could be related to that one act committed over twenty years ago. The truth and severity of how damaged she felt broke her heart and scared her. There was a sort of 'lightbulb' moment that went off in her mind upon the realization that her assault validated the theory that she was truly faulty. She spent her entire life feeling out of place and feeling inferior to everyone around her. Those dark moments, when fear and self-loathing would possess her, now seemed to have more truth to them. No one else seemed to be so broken and dysfunctional. She had lost so much and she barely gained an inch while fighting back. She didn't want to fight it anymore. She couldn't excuse the years of shame and disgust that all broiled to the surface. As much as she tried to tell herself it wasn't her fault, she still felt the pang of utter helplessness, that she was somehow to blame. Her parents had protected her and tried to help her, but they were probably too afraid to dig deeper into the issue that she seemed to forget. Plus with all of the cover up work going on, it was likely that the only shrink she would be allowed to see would be military personnel or someone attached to it. They would probably just try to strengthen the mental block she'd created instead of helping her deal with the pain and the self-hatred that resulted from her attack.
Those times she did talk to psychiatrists were usually to deal with some sort of behavior issue, like acting out in class or starting fights. Kairi rarely spoke to anyone in her younger years, but she managed to get into a lot of fights, usually with bullies who ended up picking on the wrong kid on the wrong day. When she went to a psychologist about the death of her father it was to deal with her grief. Though that act was primarily pointless, she eventually learned to shove it all away and go through her day to day life, at least pretending like she had a purpose. She always had dreams of traveling, so she did so, but it was empty and she barely enjoyed it. There were glimpses of happiness in her past, but it was rare and at this moment, it hurt to think of them. Everything was corrupted by shame.
She had talked to Molly for a little bit, before closing her out. Precious Molly who was an emotionally open and vulnerable person had sat and cried for Kairi when Kairi could barely shed the tears herself. Now she understood what her mother had meant about not liking to be around people who were sad. Seeing Molly, so full of emotion and empathy made Kairi want to die a little quicker than usual. Molly's love for her was unwarranted, Kairi had nothing within her deserving of that much devotion. At this point, she felt empty, unloved, and so very invisible. She was glad Sherlock was not around because she couldn't bear to look in his eyes and see the tiny flicker of some emotion pass over them. Every emotion she saw from her friends was just pity. She couldn't feel anything else. There was no worse way to sully her than what Moran had done. Everyone knew of her stigma, it was a red letter carved into her chest, and there was no coming back from it. She would always betainted.
Molly encouraged Kairi to seek out some professional help, to deal with the wounds that were forced upon her, but Kairi wasn't sure she was ready for that. She wasn't sure if she could face it head on. She was terrified of ripping those memories open even further and exposing some more dark knowledge. The toy dog had done enough emotional and psychological damage to cause a physical seizure. Her brain flat-out refused to deal with it and it actually caused a physiological reaction. She was terrified of what would happen if she actually talked about it. As most of her memories from that time were still rather fuzzy, she was afraid to unearth that she had done something to deserve it. As if a child could deserve such a horrible plight.
She just wanted to be alone, with Appa, forever. She wanted to go back to the days when she was traveling, alone and almost content with her stoic relationship with the world around her. She didn't feel deserving of companionship. She barely felt deserving of life. The government's action had basically made her unimportance objective. They had asserted without a reasonable doubt that she did not matter to the rest of the world. The importance of a man like Sebastian Moran was worth more than the soul of a seven year old. Her entire life was not worth sacrificing the use they had for this rapist. The past stated this as a fact. She was worthless.
She tried to remember vague things about Sebastian when she was growing up but there wasn't much available to her without causing severe panic attacks. She remembered he was young, probably only ten or eleven years older than her and he was brought to her family as a friend. She had vague memories of her dad looking at him proudly, encouraging Sebastian to think of himself as part of the family since he had none. Her father was always a trusting, loving individual, and she had paid the price for his sentiment. She refused to become a victim of those faulty notions ever again. She didn't hate her father, she couldn't really. It truly was not his fault that he had willingly walked a monster into their home. How could anyone have possibly known that a bright and promising teenager could hide such a black soul inside of him? She didn't think it was possible, but the ire she felt for the man who had violated her was only surmounted by what she felt for herself.
She sat curled up on her chair at this moment, wrapped in a blanket with Appa and watching Tangled, brokenly humming along with the music as she chain smoked. She felt empty. She felt dead inside and she hated it. She hated the fact that she felt like all the love in her heart had suddenly and instantaneously dissipated. She inhaled the smoke of her cigarette and it felt as if her body was hollow, only filling with wisps and tendrils of burnt tar beneath her skin.
She heard her door open and she flinched. She was sure that it was locked. She didn't want to face anyone at this moment. She wanted everyone to forget about her and just leave her alone to whittle away like Ms. Havisham in her darkened home with memories of happiness decomposing around her. She stayed silent, focusing on the movie, pretending like nothing else in the world mattered at that moment.
Out of the corner of her eye she saw Sherlock move around her home in measured movements, opening up some windows and collecting trash in silence. He was cleaning up her home and she hated him for it, hiding away her shame in a bin.
Kairi focused on her movie as much as she could, but nothing they were saying was making sense. She was angry, irrationally angry at Sherlock Holmes for showing his face in her hovel. She wanted nothing more than to tell him to leave her be, throw something at him, to scream at him or hit him, but in the end her feelings dissipated. Everything went back to emptiness and she couldn't muster up the dignity to care.
He slowly approached her and sat on the love seat far from her. There was a pain that seemed to radiate in her gut over how far away he was. He didn't want her anymore and though she already assumed so, she felt a sob form in her chest. It the first time she actually felt like crying since that horrid night two weeks ago.
He cleared his throat and she just sucked on her cigarette, refusing to look at him, refusing to acknowledge just how much he didn't want her.
"I'm sorry I've been away." He said softly, his fingers flitting across his lap, "I have been working with Mycroft to get more information about Moran." His voice was calculated, almost cold and it broke Kairi's heart further. She remained silent, the desire to cry no longer seemed worth it.
He continued, "We haven't been able to find out much information since not much is known. There are barely any records of his existence in the first place. Evidently, a few years after your incident Moran defected and not much is documented about his whereabouts since then. There were few sightings in his lifetime, but they were sporadic, all over the world."
Kairi continued to watch the bright colors on her TV not really hearing or seeing anything. She didn't care about Sebastian Moran, she hated him, but other than that hate, there was nothing else left inside of her for him.
"I would be interested to hear what you are thinking." Sherlock seemed to mutter.
There was silence as Kairi stared at the screen and saw nothing. Her heart barely felt like it beat and Sherlock being so close and so far at the same time evoked nothing from her.
"Nothing." Kairi replied softly, a dreadful smile creeping onto her hips. She began to chuckle softly, her body began shaking, the cigarette in her hand flicking off ash as she quaked. The chuckle mounted eventually, into a frantic laughter, "I feel nothing!" She said almost maniacally, bringing the cigarette to her mouth and inhaling deeply. "Not a damn thing." She finished on the exhale and her body went back to stone.
"I see." Sherlock replied softly. He stood abruptly and Kairi closed her eyes. She refused to watch him walk away, that might be too much for her fragile sanity.
Instead, he walked over to her and knelt before the chair. Appa took this moment to leap off of the chair and join Sherlock on the ground, leaning his furry body against the detective in solidarity. Sherlock took the blanket that covered her and he pulled it down over her head to expose her face. Her skin was splotchy and looked ashen. Her features seemed gaunt, almost slack, as she stared past him, at her television with nothing written on her features. Sherlock assumed that she may not have showered or eaten in the last few days. She looked truly horrible and it pained him.
Kairi finally glanced at him, but only quickly, panic welling in her chest. She didn't want to see him pity her, she didn't want to see his disgust with her obviously foul state. She felt the emptiness inside of her eating away at everything she ever felt. Like she had felt towards Molly, she wanted to be as far away from this man as physically possible. She couldn't be near him and not feel disgusted with herself. She had let him touch her. Now he was tainted, too.
"I believe it would be wise for you to seek help." He said softly, his hands still resting on the blanket on her shoulders.
"I don't need help, I need a lobotomy." She growled back at him with eyes shut tight.
He dropped his head, staring at the floor for a few seconds, "That is the second to last thing I wish to see happen to you." He glanced back up at her, she was staring away at the TV, but her eyes weren't actually absorbing anything, they were glassy and empty. "You have a brilliant mind that needs to be utilized."
She shook her head violently at that with no verbal response as she did everything but look at him.
"You're important..." He began, his voice seeming to grow thick, "To me."
Kairi scoffed at that and shrugged his hands off of her, standing and pushing past him on the floor and walking over to her kitchen counter to light up another cigarette from the dying one between her fingers. She tossed the smoldering stub into a pile of burnt out cigarettes inside an ash tray that was once a bowl.
"You don't believe me?" He stood, his voice deep.
Kairi inhaled on the cigarette and scoffed at him, still refusing to meet his glance, "I don't know what to believe anymore. Nothing is true, evil exists, nothing matters. Especially not me."
Sherlock seemed to growl at that. Kairi looked at him in that moment, quickly and then she looked away in pain. He seemed to be blank, unmoving. The man who had passion for her, who seemed to look at her with care and concern was gone. He was replaced with someone who looked just as empty as her.
"I believe you misunderstood why I have not made myself more available to you in the past week." Sherlock stated flatly.
Kairi rolled her eyes, leaning against the counter, "It's because I don't want you here and you don't want to be here. There's nothing to misunderstand about that. It'sperfectly understandable."
Sherlock shifted in her peripheral vision, seeming to walk closer to her in slow, measured steps, "That is untrue." He was only a foot away now and he stopped, "I've kept myself from you because I am unsure how to process my..." He paused, seeming ashamed, "Emotions."
Kairi shut her eyes at that, not looking at him and willing the tears to stay put, "You don't have to process anything Sherlock. It's done."
Sherlock seemed perplexed, "What is done?" His tone deadly cold.
Kairi shook her head, "Everything!" She almost shouted, but she felt like she barely had the breath to do so, "Everything! All of this!" She waved her arms around at her flat and then sort of flapped her hands at Sherlock, "You ignoring me for the case, the fucking case itself, me pretending to have semblance of a life and romance and sex!" She cackled at that, "I'm a fucking idiot for thinking that I could do this - that we could do this."
Sherlock was silent for a few minutes just staring at Kairi, "I find myself displeased with your assessment."
Kairi shook her head, "I don't care what the fuck you think about my assessment." She mocked him. "This whole thing was a joke Sherlock. We aren't capable of love. I sorely misinterpreted what I thought was going on between us." She flicked ash off of her cigarette into a bowl on the counter and made her way around to her cabinet to pour herself some whiskey, "We had a good run, but I can't do it anymore."
"And my opinion doesn't matter?" He followed her around the counter and stood about a foot from her, his voice was rumbling and Kairi ignored the way it made her feel. She didn't want to feel anymore, it always got ripped away from her. She couldn't handle the last shards of her humanity ripping themselves from her heart. She couldn't handle the shrapnel that would be left over from her obliterated love for Sherlock Holmes.
"No." She said impetuously and took a long sip of her whiskey, practically slamming the glass on the counter. "No it doesn't matter."
Sherlock grabbed Kairi's wrist and turned her sharply, the cigarette dropping from her fingers and falling to the floor with a crash as his foot stomped down on it. He pushed her up against the counter and held her there with his body, his hands gripping her wrists and controlled anger on his face. "I believe it does." He rasped heartily.
Kairi tried to push him off but he held her still, "Well it doesn't matter to me." She spat and struggled again but he pushed himself closer, "I don't want to do this anymore." She growled.
"Why?" Sherlock growled against her struggling in his arms, but held her still. "You seemed to take so much time befriending me, trying to coax out some splinter of humanity left inside. Why did you bother staying in my life? I'm convinced its because you wanted to. So why now, is it different?" He growled at her and she continued to fight against him valiantly and he was happy to at least see her vivacity in that. "WHY!?" He bellowed.
"BECAUSE I DON'T DESERVE IT!" She screamed at him and they both fell silent, forgetting they were fighting, and staring at each other. Kairi, vulnerable, wide eyed and scared and Sherlock, pained and almost desperate. She ripped her wrists from his hands and pushed past him, but he followed.
"Why do yo think that?" He asked quietly when she reached for her pack of cigarettes, but Sherlock was faster, snaking around her and ripping them from her grasp. "Why do you believe you are undeserving?" He growled.
Kairi sat down hard on the love seat, emotions flooding her entire body, causing it to shake with unshed sobs. She placed her shaking head in her hands, refusing to look up at Sherlock, "You don't want me anymore. I can tell. You've been gone, throwing yourself into this case, probably as an excuse so you don't have to be near me. I'm broken. I'm damaged. I'm used." She gulped back the horrifying disgust she felt for herself. She felt fingers on the side of her face as Sherlock lifted her eyes to meet his as he kneeled in front of her and she saw the anger in them, disgust. She closed her eyes and tried to look away, but he wouldn't let her.
"That is far from what you are." He said seriously and she opened her eyes to glare at him for being such a liar. "My sentiment towards you and my physical reaction towards you have not changed, though you should be taking better care of yourself." He seemed hesitant to continue as Kairi's scowl deepened, "The reason I have not been around you is because I am angry." He looked at her and Kairi felt the disgust return, "It is an illogical anger based on the fact that I could not protect you from all of this. I have an absolute, and blinding rage towards Sebastian Moran." Sherlock's gaze deepened to the same cold, deadly calculated stare and his voice remained unwavering and deep, "He is trying to take everything from you -,"
"He already has." Kairi whispered, the hole in her chest ripped open and a flood of emotions came over her: her love for her friends and the happiness she felt being with them; the absolute terror over her safety and how everything that mattered to her could be taken away; her love for Sherlock Holmes was blinding and painful and she wanted it all to just go away. She couldn't handle losing it all, having it taken from her. She needed to be rid of it so it didn't hurt so much to fear her love for them. She felt as if she were as fragile as glass in that moment, a look, a breath could send her into complete oblivion.
"Shut up!" Sherlock growled at her sharply and roughly pointed her chin to face his, it shocked Kairi back into a responsive state, "He has not taken everything from you, despite his vile efforts. You remain strong and intelligent though you believe yourself to be shattered and undeserving." His thumb stroked the side of her face, "He is trying to take everything from you but he cannot. You must not let him."
Kairi stared at him disbelieving, "How? It's already gone Sherlock. I can't be happy again. I can't let him take anything else from me. This already hurts too much." She felt empty again, a pain so violent in her heart that it threatened to burst from her chest with the pressure of anguish.
Sherlock looked gravely at Kairi, his eyes wide and staring at her. He leaned in quickly and took her mouth sharply with his, almost breathing life into shattered frame of a woman. He pulled back and they both were breathing heavily, "I refuse to let him. I will not have another madman steal from me. You are mine and that will not change because of a monster's machinations."
Kairi's eyes went wide, utterly shocked at the vehemence in Sherlock's voice. Her breathing was heavy and she felt her resolve shatter. All of the hatred for Moran, the disgust she felt for herself, and the pain that reverberated through every piece of her, all shook to the surface in the form of gasping, painful sobs. She felt Sherlock pull her into his arms and hold her while she completely fell apart. Everything she had dreamed of, everything she had wanted for herself was tearing at her mind, fighting against the vile memories that were trying to suffocate her.
She felt like she was sinking in quicksand, the thick viscosity of her hatred and sadness coating her skin and rubbing it raw as she tried to fight back. She felt it, in her mouth, trying to coat her lungs, to stop her from screaming, to stop her from fighting and she didn't know if she had the strength to fight back any longer. She felt weak. She always felt weak.
Sherlock's arms around her ended up enveloping her and picking her up. Kairi barely registered what was happening as he sat her down in her bathroom and turned on her tub. Her sobs began to wane as she watched Sherlock pour in some of her vanilla body wash as the water began to rise. She watched him as he walked over to her medicine cabinet, pulled out the bottle of lavender oil, brought it to his nose to sniff, and as he nodded his approval, he poured some into the tub. The familiar and comforting scent reached her nose as her tears returned and heaved in her chest. The simple sentiment of Sherlock pouring a bath for her, knowing exactly how she liked it without her ever telling him seemed to shake her to her core. This was the nicest, most personal thing someone had done for her in quite some time.
He walked over to her and stood her up and undressed her quickly. He tossed her soiled clothes into the corner and guided her to the bath and helped her in. Her body was shaking as it reacted to the warmth that enveloped her. She hadn't realized how cold she had felt until the heat surrounded her and her never-ending shivering faded.
She glanced up at Sherlock as he undressed. She saw the beginnings of his arousal and her eyes widened as a shot of lust surged through her body - she did not think she'd ever feel that way again - and she looked away in shame.
"I apologize," He said quietly, "My reaction to your body is out of my control. I promise, I have no ulterior motive." He reached for her and turned her head to look him in the eyes and she seemed afraid, "If you prefer, I will leave."
Kairi shook her head and Sherlock nodded, climbing into the large claw foot tub and setting himself behind her and pulling her against him. The warmth of the bath and the heat of Sherlock pressed against her seemed to get her lungs working again and Kairi felt herself take her first full breath of oxygen in what seemed like days.
She felt his hands rubbing her skin and his touch didn't feel sexual, it felt soothing. His fingertips massaged her skin gently, carefully and she felt heat return to her insides against her wishes. His powerful hands sat her up and he rubbed the skin of her back, scooping up water and pouring it on her skin, raising goosebumps as the heat dripped down her, he soothed them away with his fingertips.
She felt him shift behind her, sitting up and closer to her as his hands ran down her arms, sloughing away the grime of shame and days of neglect from her skin. She heard his velvety voice in her ear and shuddered, "Lean your head back and close your eyes."
Kairi followed his directions and she felt the warm water pour over her head and begin to soak her hair. She felt his fingers, gently dragging through it, to get it saturated with water and shampoo. His adept fingers began to massage her scalp in gentle circles and she couldn't help but let out a small moan that surprised her. She heard Sherlock's chuckle from behind her and glared at him with her eyes closed against the water and soap. She felt herself slowly relax more and more as his fingers splayed across her scalp, refreshing her knotted and overlooked hair.
He grabbed the bottle of conditioner after her hair was rinsed of excess suds and he began to run his fingers through the strands again, trying to loosen knots, and help it regain its usual softness and luster. After he rinsed her hair again, he let his hands go back to massaging her limbs. He could feel the difference of her size in his hands. Her shoulder blades seemed to be a bit sharper and her face seemed slightly slimmer. He knew first hand, the effects of starvation on a stressed system and after her bath he promised to get some food with her, even if it meant breaking his cardinal rule of not eating while on a case. If he were to take care of her, that meant he must take care of himself as well. This idea was new to him.
He leaned back against the porcelain tub and pulled her back against him. She leaned against him with a sigh and he wrapped his arms around her small body, cocooned in his own. She seemed to sag against him, her face turning gently so she could rest her head against his arm as her breathing seemed to normalize. He reached a hand up to push some strands of wet hair off of her face and she sighed, sinking herself further into him.
"I needed this." She said quietly, her eyes closed. She felt Sherlock sigh against her. The comfort of his arms around her made her heart patter with appreciation and sadness. "And you're right. I will talk with someone. A bath wont fix everything that's wrong with me."
Sherlock adjusted behind her, lifting her chin so he could look into her eyes as she twisted gently in his arms, "There is nothing wrong with you. You have been affected by someone who wronged you. There is a vast difference." He saw the tears brimming in her eyes as she smiled at him weakly and he leaned down and placed a gentle, but cautiously passionate kiss on her lips. He cleared his throat, "I have a psychologist who may be able to help you deal with what you are going through."
"A colleague?" She muttered, turning herself and leaning against him.
"Of sorts." Sherlock replied hesitantly, it was not something he enjoyed discussing, "He is someone I trust. We have discussed aspects of my personality and how my mind processes things." Kairi was silent, just listening as Sherlock spoke, his voice lulling her into serenity, "When I was growing up, I had socialization issues which led to problematic interactions with my peers. My parents urged me to seek help. I did it to appease them. Things were difficult and it pained them."
Kairi turned and looked at him in the eyes, curious and sad. That admission of his younger years being difficult had a great weight to them. Sherlock did not often discuss his past, which Kairi was okay with, it was his personal journey and she understood not wanting to dig up old wounds. She smiled at him weakly, showing her concern and her care for him, "I'm sorry."
Sherlock nodded, not showing much emotion since he no longer felt much towards his adolescent years, "It happened in the past. Due to my ability to prioritize necessary information and emotion as well as some fruitful discussion with this psychologist, I was able to move past it."
Kairi smiled, "That's good. Your brilliance really is a great gift." He nodded in response, "I would love to meet him." She replied and then turned to let water out of the tub.
"Are you finished?" He asked, curious and maybe disappointed, he was enjoying this moment with her. He had missed her.
Kairi smiled sheepishly, "No, I'm just refilling the tub a bit with hotter water. So we can stay in longer."
Sherlock smirked, "Very well."
She smiled and turned on the faucet, mixing in new, hot water and letting the old water drain a bit more before plugging it back up and leaning against Sherlock again.
She let herself feel happy in this moment, though it terrified her greatly. The man holding her was a unique individual, shunning his concern for her seemed unfair and almost depraved. She tried to grasp the notion that if this man could care for her, then perhaps, she wasn't as tainted as she believed.