Hey guys
Warning: not my best chappy!
Song up there is a cover of As long as you love me by Sleeping at Last. I highly recommend to listen to it while reading.
Enjoy!
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Loneliness has always been a friend of mine
~Backstreet Boys, As long as you love me
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"I have the feeling you are keeping something from me lately."
I sighed, shaking my head as I walked out the bathroom and down the hall. The words of my therapist cut me deep. It left me breathless. Choking on air.
It made me realize that maybe the walls I'd built around myself weren't made of bricks after all. I could only hope that they were made out of glass rather than paper, because although easily see through, it took a lot of strength to shatter. Paper was easy, you could just tear it down without breaking out in a sweat.
Still, the realization that she was able to see through my facade paralyzed me. It left me with the strong urge to cry. And it filled me with... guilt. It filled me with guilt.
I wasn't strong enough to keep up a happy facade, I wasn't strong enough to play pretend, not even for the ones I loved. I wasn't able to fool anyone...
Walking past my sister's room, she was quick to call me back to her. "Hey," she greeted me once I opened her door. Her tone of voice made it crystal clear to me that she wanted something.
I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned casually against the doorway, heart still aching, stomach still twisted painfully. "What?"
"You wanna help me study?"
I pursed my lips. "Tori, I need to do my homework."
"But I'm in college that's more important." She meant it as a joke. I wasn't amused.
I gave her a look. "And I'm in Highschool."
"Oh come on, please."
"I need to finish homework," I said before turning around. I could hear her mutter a very displeased and irritated 'fine' before I closed the door behind me.
I took one step. Two steps. Three steps until the guilt settled in. I closed my eyes and cursed under my breath.
What was that about being selfless?, my brain chided me.
I sighed, opened her door and announced that I was indeed going to help her. Finally, she was happy.
Believe it or not, we actually had a great time. We laughed a lot and joked around. I really enjoyed myself. It was just sad that most of the time my only chance at spending quality time with my sister was through school work. Also, it hurt. My heart clenched in my chest as a hollowness washed over my body.
"By the way, what are you gonna wear for dinner?" She asked after she'd put all her school stuff away.
Internally, I groaned. I was not looking forward to this family reunion, not one bit. My stomach had been knotted up for days. Unfortunately though I couldn't skip it.
"I don't know yet."
"You wanna borrow some of my stuff?" I shrugged in answer. She jumped up from her bed and went to her closet. "What's your favorite color to wear?" She asked while sifting through her clothes. When my answer included that I had no idea she asked again, persistent.
"Black. Yours?"
She didn't have to think long before answering. "Probably white."
She turned to look at me when I let out a laugh. Right there was the perfect example of how different we were from one another. I wondered how she couldn't see it. We were black and white. Dark and light. Night and day. Cold and warmth.
Two opposites that were related.
Today I came to realize once more that I missed spending time with her. I missed joking around with her. I missed laughing with her. I missed being goofy with her. I missed her. I missed my sister.
This realization filled my heart with an unknown amount of sadness. Our relationship wouldn't change. No matter how many times my therapist encouraged me to take matters into my own hands and ask her for some time. I couldn't do so. I couldn't bring myself to form the words. For one thing, I was positive she would take it as a joke and for another asking her this would made me so pathetic, so vulnerable... weak.
And looking at it differently would mean for her to change it and I couldn't imagine for this to happen. Hence why, like I said, our relationship would stay the same.
Three hours later we were sitting in a restaurant with one half of my family, my mother's side of the family. Aunts and uncles. My grandparents. My parents. Cousins, both female and male. Boyfriends. My sister. And me.
I was already tired and we hadn't even started eating. My sister was sitting to my right while my dad was sitting to my left. My cousin was seated across from Tori while both their boyfriends were facing each other as well. Who had planted himself in the chair opposite me you may ask? The answer was simple: Nobody. Yes, you've heard right. The only chair that wasn't occupied was the one directly placed in front of me.
We were an uneven number of people that's why. Or at least I wanted to believe that that was the reason for my looking at thin air. Don't get me wrong I partially understood why no one volunteered to sit there. Firstly, at family gatherings I stayed quiet for most of the time, because I didn't have much to talk about. Secondly,... That was pretty much it, the only reason that came to mind. Oh no, wait, there was also the fact that 90 per cent-I wasn't good in maths-of the people in this room were here with their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. Yep, I was the only one utterly alone.
Could you now understand why I hated family reunions?
They made me feel lonely. I was in a room full of people and I felt alone to the bone. Feeling alone though and being alone were two completely different things that most people weren't able to distinguish.
Another thing that had solitude spreading through my veins was the fact that I was underdressed. My sister and my cousin were both wearing dresses and makeup while I was dressed casually in black jeans and a black tee. When I'd chosen the outfit I hadn't cared about my appearance, but now it made me feel self conscious.
The little squad next to me was talking about college in their small group of four. I zoned out and stared at the chair across the table.
Calsey, my cousin, was one year older than Tori and her boyfriend, Nathan. Not a huge age gap considering that Calsey had three years on me.
I was the youngest at the table. Not the smartest and definitely not the prettiest or funniest.
But I was the youngest, the one not dressed up, the one sitting off to the side, the one without a boyfriend.
I heaved an inaudible sigh as I fiddled with my phone in my lap. I unlocked the screen just to lock it again once I checked for any new messages. I hadn't texted anyone, but I wanted somebody to text me so I wouldn't be quite as alone as I was feeling at the moment. Of course, I was able to contact someone myself, but I didn't know what to say. A hey and then what?
I sighed and did the movement again. Unlocking. Locking. Unlocking. Locking.
Internally, I shook my head at myself. How pathetic?
I'd been tense and on edge most times this week, because of this very gathering. I'd been scared. Of what exactly, I couldn't tell.
But now, I had a theory. I'd been scared without any reason like so many other times during my life, but this time I'd been afraid of this exact situation. I'd been afraid of loneliness and I was so sick and tired of feeling alone, of not fitting in with them.
For the next five minutes I listened to their conversation and tried to converse with them. I made one comment and they didn't even really acknowledge my statement before they were off to another topic. I sighed and looked down at my lap again. My sister was the only one at least attempting to make small talk now and then. I was grateful for this, but I couldn't help thinking that she only did try to converse with me, because she felt sorry for me.
Maybe it had always just been me. Again, I was off to staring at the empty seat in my line of vision. Sam crossed my mind and I cursed myself for it. Sometimes I wondered if they thought I didn't have a boyfriend, because I was so obnoxious, cold. A bitch, to put it simple.
The thing was I'd just never been enough. I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't friendly enough. Let alone pretty enough. I was simply just not good enough. I couldn't live up to them. Ever since I could remember I was the annoying little sister always tagging along even though nobody wanted her to. They just wanted me to leave them alone so the older kids could spend some time together. So, through that alone I was forced to grow up quickly if I wanted to play with the cool kids, if I wanted to belong. Over ten years later and I still didn't belong, I still didn't know my place in the world.
I realized maybe I was so cold towards them, because they showed me what I couldn't have, what I couldn't be and what I didn't deserve. Maybe I showed them such resentment, because they made it seem so fucking easy. Maybe it was for them!
When I was little I used to believe that being scared of normal things was what everyone felt, I didn't know that it was anxiety and I didn't dare point it out to someone in fear of being more of an outsider. I didn't know that the tummy ache I felt whenever was because I was scared, not really, I thought I was sick every time, but then when I grew up I realized that my feeling ill had to have to do something with my brain and with my feelings.
My chest was tight as I felt the familiar sting in the back of my eyes. My eyes were filling up with tears, causing everything to blur while my hands started fidgeting in my lap. My right hand ran down my left lower arm in fast, rough movements until it hurt. Before it traveled up to my shoulder and hugged my body. I tried to take deep breaths, to calm myself, but nausea made it hard to control myself. I contemplated a trip to the bathroom, but opted against it, seeing as it would only make my parents worry. We literally just sat down twenty minutes ago and I was already running away? No, not today.
My vision got slowly back to normal while I still felt highly uncomfortable in this situation. I was just so tired of not fitting in that I wanted to isolate myself from everyone. I wanted to shut me in my room, but instead of doing that I realized that I'd already locked myself inside of me. I locked myself in, in my own body. I was left to get along with my emotions. They were the only company I had.
My sore heart was beating frantically in my chest as I tried to ignore the stab wound in my ribcage. Once again in my life I felt like a little girl and I didn't like it one bit. I felt confused and lost. Misunderstood and alone.
A chill ran over my arms and down my spine, causing goosebumps to appear.
No.
I wasn't like that anymore.
I was not that naive.
I was stronger now.
And...
Colder.
I was mad.
And I was reserved.
I was a loner surrounded by my family I admit that much, but I was not a complete bystander where my friends were concerned.
My friends were important to me and I was to them. I knew that I was important to them. When I was with Logan and Ryan and Jack and Tony and Jeremy and Liam and Drake I was... I felt whole. Like they'd found the missing pieces inside of me and put them back in place. They glued them together and pushed and pulled until they fit.
Yearning for them to make me feel safe I unlocked my phone and entered our group chat.
Family reunion... Kill me!!!
I stared at the screen, willing them to reply. When ten minutes passed and I didn't get a response I put my phone down and tried to survive this evening on my own. I was lying when I told myself I didn't feel let down in the least.
With a lot and I mean a lot of willpower I managed to get through the dinner. I forced myself to engage in conversation with them, not much, but here and there a comment or a laugh was all I could manage. I forced myself to push the hurt away whenever they didn't acknowledge me or when I was ignored. I told myself that I didn't care. This evening and then it was over.
I had to survive this evening and then I was free to get back into my bubble of comfort.
In the end it wasn't all that bad. Admittedly, the start was rocky and close to unbearable for me, but I even laughed genuinely at some of their stories. My sister and my cousin both weren't bad people, they weren't mean. I guess they just didn't really know how to deal with me just like I didn't know how to deal with them. The only thing that was unfair was that it was two against one and if you counted their boyfriends in it was four against one. Now that wasn't quite fair, was it? But I couldn't blame them for something they didn't choose.
After we ordered dessert I was strangely reminded of last weeks family lunch with the other half of my family. My dad's half.
My aunt crashed into my thoughts. I was just like her. Everyone sat in pairs besides the two of us. My grandparents. My parents. My sister and her boyfriend. Her. Me.
We were the only people without another person at our side.
Her brother, my dad, had mom. My sister had Nathan. My grandparents had each other. She wasn't married. I wasn't in any kind of relationship. Maybe I'd face the same future she was living. It happened to their generation of Grahams. Maybe it would happen again to us, to me and my sister or, more specifically, me, my sister and her boyfriend.
But God, I didn't want to end up alone. I didn't want to end up like her. Filled to the brim with bitterness and letting it out on the family. Wasn't I already doing that? Wasn't I already like her?
The relationship between my aunt and my grandparents wasn't running smoothly, they were arguing a lot and I...
It sounds beyond mean, but God I didn't want to end up like her.
I didn't want to end up bitter and to fall out with my family because of it.
I spent the ride home in silence. Fear was rippling through my veins, making it hard to breathe as I swallowed against the lump in my throat. My chest was tight, barely letting me breathe in and out.
What if it was already too late?
What if my fate was sealed?
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The only light illuminating my room came from the bedside lamp placed on my nightstand. I was pacing around my room, hands folded and situated on top of my head. Shadows fell against the walls as I moved, my pace anything but slow. I bit my lip and snatched my phone from on top of my bed.
I pressed it against my lips, still locked in thoughts as I walked around. Should I? I sighed heavily. Should I?!
So many reasons were speaking against it, but at this moment I couldn't hear them talk. The only thing I did hear were the reasons urging me on to do it. They encouraged me to make the call.
And I listened to them.
I bit the inside of my cheek as I pressed my cell to my right ear, listening to the dial tone. When he picked up my breath got locked in my throat.
"Liz?" he breathed out, stunned.
I swallowed before answering. "Yeah, it's me." My voice sounded strange, not like myself. "I need to see you."
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Hey guys
How are you doing? I'm freaking tired bc school is a pain in my butt at the moment and I'm about to go to sleep. Thank you all for your encouraging words and the get-well wishes. I think they helped since I'm feeling better.
Important insight on Liz relationship with her family. Aaaand who might she be talking with? Any theories?
Please comment/vote?
Hugs and kisses
Kathy