Ok, this chapter is a little random, I wrote it quickly, so...I don't know lol
CHAPTER 20 - FLIRTS AND OUTINGS
TARA'S POV
Rolling over on bed, I sighed, killing off the alarm. Another day, another routine, another relentless trail of maddening thoughts. By now I've gotten so used to it that I'm not even surprised.
As much as I'm not surprised that my first instinct was patting the nightstand to find my phone, and, once I'd checked it, sighing. Tons of mails and messages from work, some from friends, a couple from schools ... but not one, not a single one from the one person I would want.
Why am I even surprised? When it comes to me, Lukas has gone MIA. I'm not even allowed to know where he is or what he's doing, he talks solely to his kids, he won't talk to me even by chance.
A couple of times I intercepted a call to Gloria's phone when she was under the shower or wherever ... not even the time to say hi, that he asked of her, I said where she was, and he curtly said he'd call back, then hung up, as if I were one of those annoying call center people that call at the worst moment. I guess it's a good thing, I did want him out of my life, didn't I?
With a sigh, I stood, ready to battle. I counted the minutes before it actually started. Let me tell you something, being a single career mom isn't easy. Especially not when you've got a daughter that's left everything to live her life instead of go to college, another one that's in the middle of the most dramatic years of her life ... high school, and a son that's trudging through middle school with one simple conviction: going to live with his daddy as soon as he comes back.
Yes, he's decided. My sweet boy Zach didn't waver one moment when he told me this. Said I have Gloria, on and off Nicky, when she comes back, but his daddy? He's got no one. So as soon as Lukas comes back, he's gonna pack his things and go live with him.
On one hand, I understand Zach just wants his dad not to be lonely, on the other hand ... well, it does stink to know your own son chooses to ditch you. I mean, I don't want to throw the I carried you in my belly for nine months and gave you life card, but ... it does hurt to see he won't even blink in picking his dad over his mom. I understand they've always had a tight bond, but still.
So as you can see, I do have my handfuls of drama. To top it all off, my job is even more stressing than the one before. You see, this way I shouldn't have even time to think of my ex husband, yet I do ... really stupid from my part, huh?
I put on my glasses and my slippers, pocketed my phone in my pajama, and headed downstairs, to start preparing breakfast.
It feels like time has flown by since that day. Two years, two entire years since Lukas and I divorced, two entire years since he came here to see his kids before taking leave, but didn't even consider saying as much of a goodbye, bitch to his freshly ex wife, I'd have settled even for a fuck off, you hoe, but ... nothing. Only, here are the divorce papers, get the kids. Like ... yeah, whatever, get out of my sight. So flattering, huh?
It's been two years since he promised he'd be back soon, yet he's not. I'd ask either Gloria or Zach, but the first one wouldn't answer, the other would get his hopes too high.
Then again, I shouldn't even care where my ex husband is and when will he come back. I'm fine, aren't I? Yes, I'm awfully stressed, but I'm fine, my life is ... normal, decent, the same as many divorcees, filled with family duties, nonstop work, and ... a flirt maybe. Pretty normal.
Flipping pancakes, I sighed. 20 years ago I'd have never said this would be my life. I mean, yeah, I was sure, or at least determined to have a successful career, and despite some bumps here and there, I have indeed achieved it, it's just ... the other side of what I expected that didn't really happen.
20 years ago I was convinced I would have grown old with my husband, or ... that at least we would have made it to passing the 25 years crisis. We didn't even get to it. We broke way before that.
These two years I've wondered, had we behaved differently, had we said one thing instead of the other, would we still be together? What did I do? What ... what brought my husband, the same man that'd always claimed we would be forever, to cheat on me, so many times even? What pulled us apart?
Yes, the downfall came after his father passed away, but before that, there were other things that cracked our marriage. I wonder when did we stop communicating. I wonder when did our marriage become a race to win over the other, to tear each other down.
Once breakfast was ready and set onto the table, I poured myself some coffee, and waited. I could already hear the alarm clocks going off, and a few minutes later Zach dashed into the kitchen, yelling a quick "good morning, mom" before swiftly going to down everything on his plate.
Rolling my eyes, I sighed. "Slow down, boy, nobody's stealing it from you." But of course, he ignored me. I'll admit I am anxious about his teenage years. One daughter's adolescence didn't exactly go well, the other's down a somewhat similar messy path ... I'm hoping the last child will be a normal teen. I guess that for now I should cherish these years, while he's still my little boy.
Not that Gloria isn't "normal", it's just that ... well, we're not exactly on the best terms. When she appeared into the kitchen, in fact, she didn't even say hi, just went straight for the breakfast table, but barely took an apple, before heading out again.
Seems like déjà vu, it's like reliving Nicky's adolescence all over again, except that here there are no enraged fights with her father, if anything, Gloria is all against me, while her dad is the hero of the situation.
"I spent the past hour making breakfast for you, Gloria, could you please at least try to acknowledge it?" I complained, irritated. Ugh, these kids resemble their father even too much. It seems like the moment they step into adolescence they become new versions of the ill-tempered troublemaker I steered clear of in high school.
Gloria merely snorted. "You could have spared it."
"Hey, watch your tone, young lady."
"Or what?" She turned to me, eyes burning with anger. "You'll throw me out, too?"
"Gloria ..." I took a step closer, but she raised her hands, backing up.
"Save it." Then she stormed off, as usual.
I sighed, plopping down onto a chair beside my son. It's been like this since two years. While her sister took it even too well, she didn't ... the divorce, I mean. For Nicky it was a manna, her mood lit up after that, even if only a tiny bit, but Gloria ... eh, Gloria's been holding the grudge since then.
Says it's my fault if her dad left, it's my fault if she's had to spend these past two years without her father, I'm the one that sent him away, and if he doesn't come back, it's only because he doesn't want to face me.
He doesn't want to face me. Lukas said such a thing to our daughter, apparently. He's not coming back because he doesn't want to see me. I'm not sure how should I take that. I mean, I get it, we can't be the kind of divorcees that have a civil relationship, given our past, but to say he's not coming back because he doesn't want to see me? As if I were the root of all evil, as if I were to blame for the disaster our marriage became.
Ugh. So typical of Lukas, to never take the blame. How comes, he's the one that cheated, yet I'm to blame? Yes, it's true, I have my faults, I know I have them, but his attitude is getting ridiculous.
We've gotten divorced, shouldn't he move on? Why still keep the grudge? I'm not expecting us to be best buddies, but riling up our daughter against me is t seriously immature from his part.
Sighing, I fixed my son's hair as he ate. "You have anything particular planned today, honey?" He shook his head, too busy downing his breakfast to mind his mother.
Same story every day. Gloria storms off at the tiniest attempt I make at having a civil conversation, Zach focuses on food and dodges every question. Was I this jumpy as a teen? I don't think so. I never talked back to my grandma, no matter what.
So I'm gonna guess it's always about the divorce. Maybe Zach isn't angry at me because of it, but certainly he's pulling apart, which scares me. Because ... he's 11 now, and already slipping out of my orbit, I wonder how will it be when he steps into adolescence. And if he seriously goes to live with his dad, I'll lose my son once for all, I'm pretty sure.
Downing my coffee, I stood. "Do you need a lift to school or are you taking the bus?" I asked, hopeful.
Zach gulped down the rest of his breakfast, and offered me a sheepish smile. "I have soccer after school, so I need a lift ... please."
I smiled. I went to take his plate, but Zach did it all by himself, and went to put everything into the dishwasher. Well, at least one out of three still knows manners. "Then go get ready, we leave in 15 minutes." I mentioned.
My son nodded, then scuttled out of the kitchen. He's growing so fast ... and weren't it for the brown eyes that he took from me, you'd think he's all his father physically. He would be the one that resembles Lukas the most, weren't it for his older sister, who took everything, from features to terrible character.
I walked slowly upstairs, going to get changed, but before I entered my room, my phone buzzed, an incoming call. I sighed, and took it. "Yes?"
"Hey, princess."
I smiled automatically, to be honest. "Hey ... how are you?" I asked as I went to my wardrobe.
"Oh, you know, the usual. Signing here, interviews there ... the life of a writer." Aaron chuckled, and I with him. He published his first book last year, and it's already a movie, it's coming out in a couple of weeks, so he's been a lot busy going back and forth from Los Angeles. I'm just happy he's happy.
His book has been such a best seller, that he's surpassed even Dan Brown. The name Aaron Wells is so known that the connection is made mentally almost automatically. That's just to say how much his book has sold. I mean, Aaron and his book have been the talk of this past year.
"So, listen, the movie's premiering in New York this Friday, I ... was hoping you could come with me?" He asked, sounding excited.
I bit my lip, unsure. We've managed to be good friends until now, despite ... um ... a few-uh ... moments ... okay, okay, I ... may or may not have ... hooked up with my ex a couple of times.
Nothing serious, just ... senseless sex. He said that, not I. He said there was nothing to worry about, he knew I was in a bad place, so needed comfort, and if said comfort extended to the ... prohibited zone, then he was willing anyways.
The thing is, after Lukas left, I broke things off with Jeremy, I was too baffled, my feelings were all over the place, so I couldn't handle anything sentimental, but Jeremy was all too willing to start something serious, despite his premises, so I had to break things off.
He didn't take it too badly anyways, he was called to be anchorman at a pretty famous news channel in New York, so I'd say my decision wasn't that hard on him.
After that, Aaron and I kind of ... got closer, as in, he's there when I need him kind of close, despite everything he was always a great friend, and ... I don't know, maybe it was New Year's buzz, maybe it was the fact that I hadn't slept with a man since Jeremy left, but ... we hooked up, Aaron and I.
It was awkward at first, really, really awkward, but in the end we settled it. After all, we're not that young anymore, we can handle such things with ease.
The problem is ... the night was repeated a couple of times, and for those, I couldn't really blame the wine. In the end it turns out, Aaron became my-uh ... how can I call it, ex with benefits? Friend with benefits?
Nah, that's not right, after all, it's not like we do it regularly, I mean, last time was ... I don't know, Easter? With the book thing and all, he's here mostly on holidays, so I guess that because it's not frequent, it's not a real thing ... maybe.
That's the flirt I mentioned, by the way, even though it's not the only one ... okay, let's say these two years I've enjoyed the joys of mindless encounters with sexy strangers. Being single gives you such privileges, and in my line of work it's quite easy to meet such men. Don't worry, though, I still can count the men I've been with on one hand.
"Tara?"
I realized I was spacing out when Aaron called me back to reality. "Uh ... yeah?"
"I said, would you come to the premiere in New York with me?"
"Uh ... I don't know, I mean, there's Zach and ... I can't leave the kids on their own ..."
"Can't you ask Sean or some other friend of yours?"
I bit my lip. I definitely can, but that's not the point, I'm afraid. "Uh ... yes, but ..."
Aaron sighed, and I could picture him rubbing the bridge of his nose. "I get it, you find it awkward."
"No! I ... I mean ... yeah, a little, but ..."
"It's not what you think, princess, believe me."
"Aaron ..." How can I think it's not what I think when he still calls me princess after 20 years?
"No, no, I know that ship has sailed long ago, and trust me, I've come to peace with that, I just ... this is a huge thing, it's the first screening of the movie, and ... I need the one person I ... care for the most beside me. That's all." That's a low blow, damnit.
"I ..."
"I need my best friend, if a label is really what you're looking for."
I blinked my eyes, surprised. "Your best friend?" I know he's the loner type, like I was – and that's one thing that connected us back in the day –, but I never thought I was his best friend, I mean, he does have friends, good ones, too, I thought ...
I don't know,I guess I've always considered myself just his ex girlfriend that sadistically still keeps him in her life even while knowing what he feels.
Okay, that wasn't my definition, it was Robert, one of Aaron's closest friends as well as his agent, to say it once, I just happen to agree, for how regrettably and guiltily.
"Yeah, you're ... my best friend, I guess." Aaron admitted, kind of sheepishly.
"Am I?" I bit my lip the moment I let the words slip, and he sighed.
"Tara ... I'm not asking a date, don't worry. I only need support in this ... new chapter of my life, and nobody could do it better than you."
Why me, I wanted to ask, but I kept it. Taking a deep breath, I agreed. "Okay, um ... it won't hurt, I guess." I surely hope not.
***
LUKAS' POV
"She acts as if it doesn't even bother her! And it unnerves me! I mean, yeah, it wasn't that big of a deal, but still! I thought she was gonna say something!"
I listened silently, nodding, even though she couldn't see me, to my daughter as she vented. It was a nice surprise, finding out that Gloria has many more things to say than I'd ever thought. She's always been so reserved about her stuff, yet now that I'm away, she seemingly feels the need to tell me everything.
I love it, it's nice, knowing my daughter willingly confides to me, it's really nice, but ... there is a certain limit to the amount of teenage babble a man of my age can take.
I mean, don't take me wrong, I love my daughter and I love that she confides to me, but I hated teenage talks when I was a teenager, imagine now. However, I love listening to her voice, no matter what she says.
"Bunny, you should try and speak to her." I suggested. Some drama about her best friend kissing the boy she has a crush on. I don't like thinking of my baby Bunny as a girl with boy interests and all, but ... I guess I have to come to terms with it, she's 15 already.
Gloria sighed, frustrated. "I can't!"
"Why not?"
"Because ... it's embarrassing!"
I frowned. "I don't see why, sweetie, she's your best friend, she'll understand. I mean, it wasn't ... uh ... cool of her to kiss him if she knew you like him, she should know she hurt you." Look at me, 42 years old and giving puppy love advice to my teenage daughter. I guess that's improvement. Years ago I wouldn't have even accepted she dated.
Gloria went silent for a moment, then sighed deeply, and I perceived there was something troubling her. When the sole means you have to talk to your kids is the phone, you learn to perceive everything in their voices, and I've become pretty good at this. It's like now that I don't have to scurry around for my job, I can thoroughly enjoy fatherhood, and I honestly love it.
"Dad, um ... I think you missed something ..." Gloria mentioned.
I frowned, leaning back on my seat. "What?"
"I-uh ... I wasn't talking about a boy, you know."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, um ... yeah, it bothers me that Cindy kissed Jacob, but ... it's not what you think ..."
I sat properly, somehow sensing the big talk, so I cleared my throat. "Bunny, are you telling me what I think you are?"
"If ... um ... you think I'm telling you I-uh ... I have a crush on ... well, Cindy, then ... yeah ..."
I sensed that. And smiled. "Okay, then that's one reason more to talk to her about it."
"You think?" She sounded relieved. Seriously? Is coming out to your parents still an issue? I thought we'd tackled that when I was young already. And I thought my daughter would know better than to be afraid of speaking up with me by now.
"Yeah, I mean, she needs to know what you feel, sweetie. She can't read your mind." I bit my lip, pondering. "Does she know you ..."
"That I'm into girls? Yes, she knows." I'll admit I was glad she could say it proudly and fearlessly. We've come a long way in this society, that's for sure. I remember when I was her age, coming out was a huge deal, people weren't even sure how would the others take it, yet even though unsure at first, my daughter seems totally confident about her orientation. I'm so proud of her.
It still remains that I get sick thinking of my baby Bunny as a normal girl with sexual pulls, but ... again, I'll have to come to terms with it, she's no more a child. Ugh, why do they always grow up? Can't they stay cute babies forever?
"So she shouldn't be surprised, right?" I wondered.
"Well ..."
"What?"
She cleared her throat. "I-uh ... kinda convinced her I'm into Britney."
"Britney?" Having teen kids comes with one awfully difficult task: remembering all their friends' names. And I'll admit, I'm pretty bad at it. If I remember Cindy it's because she's always been my daughter's best friend, and Gloria talks about her ... well, all the time – I guess I should have sensed the reason behind that already long ago, yeah –, the rest are just ... faceless names I pretend to know, to be honest. Yeah, I know, a parent should know whom his kids hang out with, but ... in my defense, it was my ex wife to handle that.
"Her cousin. She came here last summer, she was pretty cool, and dang it, quite hot-I mean, um ..."
I chuckled, knowing she just blushed. "Yeah, how hot? Like ... from one to ten." Okay, I never expected to talk about girls with my daughter, I thought it'd be Zach once he grew up, but this thing was fun, I'll admit.
My talks with Gloria are so ... brutally honest, so sincere, I love them. It's like now that I'm not in her same house, so I can't ground her or anything, she feels like she can tell me everything, and I love, love, love it.
I wish I could have the same relationship with Nicky again, but that stubborn ox won't even return my calls, I know she left after high school, going on some trip on her own, only because Gloria told me.
Gloria who giggled, seemingly rolling over on bed. "Okay, Britney is like ... super-hot, but ..."
"She's not Cindy, right?" Ugh, I know the feeling, damnit, I know that feeling all too well.
When you could hook up with all the girls in the world, yet there would still be that virgin clouding your mind ... my high school senior year was a nightmare, I can assure you. I kept fleeing from thoughts about that one girl. How could I know that three years later I would have fallen into the trap willingly?
My daughter sighed, gloomier. "Yeah ..."
"Talk to her, sweetie, you can't leave these things unsaid, you might regret you didn't try."
"Yeah, but Cindy is into boys!"
Eh. That's trouble. "Okay, but tell her anyways. I'm sure she'll understand, and you won't have to keep lying to her. I mean, she already knows what your... uh ... tastes are, just tell her the utter truth. Honesty is always the best policy." Said the undefeated lies champion. I'm such a hypocrite, aren't I?
"But what if things get awkward then?"
"Things are bound to get awkward, Bunny, but it'll be worth it, trust me. The worst you can do is suppress your feelings, that way you'll live with the regret, wondering what if ... just get it off your chest, whatever happens, it'll have been worth it." Fuck, I'm a damn love guru apparently.
My daughter finally smiled, and I with her. "You're awesome, dad. I miss you."
"I miss you too, sweetie." It's been so long since I last saw her and her siblings, weren't it for Skype and all that, I'd have gone insane already.
"When are you coming back?"
Eh. That's a tough question. "I-uh ... I'm not sure, Bunny, um ... I need some time."
"But it's been two years!"
"I know, I know, and I'm sorry, but ..."
"It's because of her, isn't it?"
I frowned, surprised. "What?"
"Your ex wife. It's because of her that you won't come back. Ugh, I hate her ..."
"Hey! That's your mother you're talking about, Gloria."
She snorted. "Yeah, whatever."
I sighed, raking a hand over my face. I should have expected divorce to have an impact on their relationship, I guess. "Listen to me, Bunny, your mother has no fault in this, this ... prolonged holiday I'm having, it's about me, not her."
"But you left because of her!"
"I didn't. I left because I needed time to myself, to ... recharge, get back in touch with my inner self."
"You're only lying to protect her." She snorted. "You always do that! She destroyed you, yet you're always protecting her! Why? Why are you so lenient?! She doesn't deserve it!"
"Gloria ..." She was starting to tear up, I knew that.
"Oh, come on, you know I'm right! She's such a bitch!"
"Watch your mouth, Gloria Bennet! That woman is your mother! You have no idea the sacrifices she made for you and your siblings, so bring her respect, young lady." I raised my voice, having to slip into my bossy father boots once again. "We had issues, that's all, and I'm as guilty as she is, actually, it's more my fault than hers if our marriage ended."
Gloria snorted. "You're only defending her, you'd say anything to protect her. I don't understand why!"
"Because I still love her, alright?! I ... I still love your mother like the first day, and ..." ugh, stupid tears, always fogging my sight at the worst moments.
"Dad ..."
I sighed. "Don't take it out on her, alright? It's ... not her fault." Or not entirely. "It was ... the best solution. We ... it's complicated, but trust me, it's better this way." It is. I know it is. I just wish it'd be easier. I never expected to get better, no matter how long it passed, I just ... wish it wouldn't hurt this bad.
My daughter remained silent for the longest time, and I raked my mind for anything to say that would make her feel better, but just when I was about to speak, she prevented me: "You're not coming back because seeing her would hurt you. Am I right?"
I closed my eyes, my heart cracking. I always knew Gloria was the sensitive one. I didn't want to admit it out loud, but I guess there was no other way. "Yes," I sighed, "I-uh ... you'll understand this one day, but ... when you love someone like I love your mom, Gloria, you put their happiness above yours, and ... I know she's better off without me."
"But you could still be here and not see her, Boston is big enough ..."
"When you love like I do, Bunny, your heart doesn't heal, and ... I couldn't endure even only the risk of seeing your mother when I know we can't be together. I ..." I bit my lip to dissimulate the stray tears. "For as much as being afar hurts, it hurts just a little less than how being there without her would. I hope you understand, sweetie."
She sighed deeply, and I would have sworn her voice was broken by tears. "So you're never coming back, are you?"
I bit my lip. I'm not sure I can, but I can't say that to my daughter, can I? "I ... I won't leave you alone, Bunny, I just ... might not come back to Boston anymore."
"That's leaving!" She cried out.
I sighed, rubbing the bridge of my nose. "I'll come see you, alright? I'll come see you and Zach as often as I can, but ... I-uh ..." I sighed once more, tired. "I can't endure seeing your mother, it ... for as much as I would like to be your superhero, sweetie, I'm still human, and ..."
"And it hurts."
"Think about this, does it hurt to see Cindy with someone else?"
"Yeah ..."
"Multiply that pain for all the years your mother and I have been with, and you get how I feel." I took a deep breath. "I'm glad we're this honest with each other, Bunny. But please, don't ... let anything of this slip, okay? I ... I'd rather your mom didn't know."
"You don't want her to know you love her?"
I don't want her to know I'm hurting. I'd rather keep my dignity for as much as possible, to be honest. I never counted on distance softening her hatred towards me, neither did I ever expect her to suddenly realize she loves me again just because we're so far away from each other, I just ... wish it wouldn't be so hard. That's all.
With a sigh, I reached over for the magazine on the coffee table. On the front page there was the new best seller author at the premiere of the movie from his book, snuggled against him, his arm tightly around her, huge smiles on their faces, there was his "preciously secret flame", as journalists put it.
I wouldn't have even seen it, hadn't I decided to lounge in the hotel's hall for a while, instead of remaining secluded in my room, but I guess it was a sign, some sort of nudge from fate, to tell me I've been a stupid fool to think that after two years she'd be still there waiting.
After all, she always looked forward to ending our marriage, she was the one that pushed no matter what, it's obvious that she wouldn't have many doubts in moving on. The problem has always been mine and mine only.
Coming face to face with the fact is heavy, though. Seeing Tara smile so widely beside Aaron was ... harsh. It was a harsh reality check, one I'll probably never get over. But alas, I'm ... happy she's happy, I guess.
In the end, I knew Aaron would be the one she'd choose after me. He represents the future she might have had, hadn't she been stupid enough to fall for the jackass that I am. At least that's what she said during the fight we had about him years ago. And she's right, I suppose.
I was ... an interval in her life. An 18 years long one, but still, just an interval. Now she can get to her real destination, I suppose. I just wish such destination would bring her back to me, instead of with him. But that's utopia, isn't it?
Sighing, I dropped the magazine back onto the coffee table, and leaned back against the sofa. "Your mother has moved on, Gloria, and I'm happy for her."
"But ..."
"Listen, Bunny, I'm in Europe right now, Austria, I know school's ending, how about you join me once it's over? It'll be four-five more weeks, right?" Yes, I played dirty, bribing my daughter to keep her silence, but in my defense, I needed her to drop the subject.
Lucky for me the prospect of spending summer in Europe was way too important to mind anything else. Well, at least the next three months won't be as depressingly lonely as the past two years.
To be continued...on May 15th ... (maybe)
By the way,here's how I picture 40 years old Lukas:
Do younger people actually know who this is? LOL
What about you? How do you picture Lukas Bennet? :)