Chapter 16
And Now I Know She Just Isn’t Who I Thought
The next morning I was woken up by a blaring alarm. I jumped up in my bed, my eyes opening blearily and I hugged the covers around me. I looked over at the floor where Alyssa was sleeping on the mattress I had pulled out for her and she calmly rolled over and turned off an alarm I hadn’t seen before.
“What the hell?” I croaked.
She stretched and got out of her bed, looking over at me.
I glared at her.
“It’s six in the morning! Why are you getting up?”
She rolled her eyes, “I’m going for my morning jog.”
“Your morning jog?” I asked.
She’s crazy.
“Why not take an afternoon jog? Or a night jog?”
“It wakes me up,” she said, walking around her bed and to her suitcase, pulling out her clothes.
I rolled back under my covers, throwing them over my head. I lay there even after she left, still awake. I couldn’t fall back asleep anymore, and I found myself remembering last night with a slight smile. I just wanted to roll out of bed and drive straight to Sam’s house, but I had to control myself. Even though he was nice to me last night, it doesn’t mean he still likes me. If anything, he’s probably annoyed with me and how needy I am. I sighed, reaching into my nightstand drawer and pulling out my medication.
I got out of bed and found my dad in the kitchen, reading a newspaper. He looked up at me when I walked in. I yawned and sat down at the table with him before I crossed my legs pretzel style and grabbed his mug of coffee so I could take a small sip.
“Any plans today?” he asked me.
“Not really,” I sighed. “Maybe I’ll call up Ali and Cora.”
“You do know you have to take Alysssa with you, right?”
I sighed. “But what if she doesn’t want to go?”
“Well, then she doesn’t have to.”
“Right…”
I got up and made myself breakfast and tea before heading back into my room. Then I sifted through my room until I pin pointed my cell, flipping it open and dialing Cora.
“Cora?” I said, confused because her phone stopped ringing but there was no hello.
After a moment there was a “Hello?”
“Cora?” I said again.
“Oh, hey Quinn,” she said.
“Do you want to hang?” I asked her uncertainly.
“Can’t,” she sighed, upset.
“Why? What’s up?” I asked her curiously.
“Well, Ali’s mom and my mom are like best friends. And Ali’s mom sort of found out that we had snuck out last night to that fair. We weren’t supposed to and stuff because they also found out about that party we went to… sooo… we’re both kind of grounded. Right now we have to clean up both of our houses. We’ve just started at my house.”
“Oh,” I said disappointed.
“Oh my gosh!” I could hear Ali’s voice on the line.
“What?” Cora asked. There was a pause. “Ew what is that?”
“I think…”
“I’m sorry Quinn, I have to go. I shouldn’t even have my phone on me,” Cora said before hanging up.
I sighed. Well I wanted to do something today… I just didn’t exactly know what. And it’s not like I was going to go out in town and do stuff by myself. That’s boring.
I could call Sam.
My heart started to beat faster as I stared at my cell phone.
Pshh, no.
I don’t want him to think that I have no life at all. That right after last night I have to call him again because I’m needy.
I looked back down at my cell phone again, though. Then I looked at my watch. It was ten o’clock now, which was a bit early. He’s probably still sleeping, right?
I couldn’t help myself, I pulled out my cell phone and dialed his number before I could change my mind.
“Hello?” he answered, his voice groggy.
“Oh, gosh. Did I wake you up?” I asked uncertainly.
“Yeah but-“
I cut him off, “Oh, I’m sorry. I mean, I’m sorry. You can go back to bed. Just- never mind.”
I could hear him laughing, “Quinn it’s alright.”
“Are you sure?” I asked.
“Yeah, what’s up?”
I could just picture him sitting up in his bed now that I’d woken him up and felt guilty still.
“I was going to see if you wanted to go do something today.”
“That’d be great,” he said.
“But I have to warn you, Alyssa might come. I don’t think she would, but she might. I have to take her wherever I’m going unless she doesn’t want to come, according to my dad.”
“I think I’ll manage,” he joked.
“Alyssa isn’t a joke, you know. She’s a crazy bitch.”
“I’m a what?” an angry voice said behind me.
Eyes wide, I turned around to see Alyssa standing in my doorway.
“So I’ll text you Sam?” I gulped into the phone.
I could hear him laughing because I could only guess he had heard her. I hung up and looked at Alyssa, who had her arms crossed over her chest.
“A crazy bitch?” I said, answering her question.
Her expression changed from anger to amusement. Which, to be honest, was even scarier. “I’m crazy? Do you want to know who really was crazy? Your mom was crazy!”
Surprise was written all over my face by what she said. That… that hurt.
“She had some serious mental issues. I mean, I know that sounds awful to say, but considering what she did to our family, she is an awful person! And no one says it! No, they can’t because she’d killed herself and we need to have respect… but she doesn’t even deserve it.”
I was blinking hard and finally managed to say, “She couldn’t help it. She was depressed.”
She was confused, but then it seemed to click in. I heard footsteps and knew my dad was coming closer because of our raised voices.
“You think I’m talking about her suicide? No, I’m talking about what she did with my uncle and what she did to your dad!”
“What do you mean?” I asked, even more confused.
“Your mom was far from perfect,” she spat at me. “I guess it’s time to tell you.”
“Tell me what?” I asked, really confused now.
“She cheated on your dad with my dad’s brother. And he was married and she was engaged to your dad!”
I looked at her with utter shock on my face. “Are you really going to say that? Make up stupid lies just because you hate me. Alyssa, this is too far.”
Alyssa shook her head, “I’m not lying, though.”
I sat down on my bed, looking at her, my mind racing. She said my mom cheated on my dad when they were engaged? With her uncle? Do I even know her uncle? I don’t think so…
“She broke up his whole family. She made them divorce while his wife was pregnant with my poor cousin.”
“That’s enough!” my dad said, outraged.
I finally noticed him standing in the doorway and he came storming in.
“I welcome you into this house and this is how you thank me? You should be ashamed of yourself Alyssa. Get out of this room, now!” he said, face red.
I don’t think I’d ever seen him so angry before. I think that I’d never had anger like that directed toward me from him. Alyssa’s face turned a bit red as she turned and walked out of my room. He slammed the door behind her and I didn’t even look at him. I was busy putting the pieces of what she said together.
“Quinn?” my dad asked me, trying to get my attention.
So my mom was engaged to my dad and somehow she met Alyssa’s Uncle, who was married with a pregnant wife, and she cheated with him? She had an affair?
“Mom cheated?” I asked uncertainly.
I looked up at dad and he sighed, rubbing a hand down his face. “Yes. But she regretted it deeply.”
“Why? And why did Alyssa know and not me?”
“We didn’t find out until after she’d left us.”
I heard a door slam and knew that Alyssa had probably gone outside.
“How did you find out then? How do people know?” I asked, confused.
My dad looked really upset now as he had to sit down. “I’m sorry honey. I didn’t want you to know yet.”
“Then when did you think you would tell me!” I exclaimed.
“Eventually. You’re still broken about it, even though it’s been three years…”
“You are too, though,” I said.
Something caught my dad’s attention and he stood up, walking over to my nightstand and picking something up. He sat back down and I saw him holding mom’s ring in his hands. He looked down at it and said, “I know, but I’m trying to get better. You have to promise me you are too.”
“I am,” I sighed.
“Alright… do you want to know what happened then?”
I nodded, but he was still looking at the ring. I cleared my throat and managed to say, “Yes.”
“After I got that call that she was dead… that she’d jumped off the hotel’s roof… I left and drove off to the hospital where they said she was. When I came back home and explained to you what had happened, I went back to our room and lay in bed and found a note. It was written by your mother, she’d wanted me to read it after she’d died.”
Tears were pouring down my face now and I wanted to scream at her, at mom, because I knew now what was in that note.
“In the note she was telling me that she was sorry she had to leave you and me. She said that she loved both of us dearly but she couldn’t stand living with all the guilt she’s been feeling, and how ‘colorless’ her world is.”
Colorless. And that’s how I describe it, oddly enough.
“She confessed to cheating on me when we were engaged, before you were part of the earth. In the note she told me how bad she felt about it. She told me that she didn’t want to tell me because she was lucky enough to get me and she couldn’t stand to lose me. Even though that honestly never would have happened. I wouldn’t be able to leave her.”
I couldn’t say anything at all because too many tears were flooding out of my eyes. All I could think about was that there was a note and that she’d cheated and that she wasn’t who I ever thought she was.
“She also explained the situation with the guy she cheated on me with. She said that she didn’t know he was married until after. She said she didn’t want to make excuses though. She said that I had to stay strong for you, and then she said she loved us both again.”
I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was sitting on my bed, bawling my eyes out, sobbing.
My heart was aching. I wished so deeply at that moment that she was here and that I could talk to her. I wished so badly that she had never left me.
I imagined what my conversation would be like if I knew everything I did now. If I knew she was going to go kill herself, and I was sixteen, and I could talk to her. I imagined her grabbing her keys to get in the car and drive to the hotel.
“Mom?”
She would turn around, tears in her eyes. Her hair would be a beautiful blond and her brown eyes would be so sad.
“Mom, dad would have forgiven you, you know. Don’t leave me, it’s too hard to handle.”
She would shake her head, her mind set, and would walk out the door to her death.
I looked up at dad now and saw him staring at me. He stood up, setting the ring on the chair, and sat next to me, and hugged me.
“It’s alright, honey.”
“But it’s not,” I sobbed.
“You’re supposed to be happily married with a wife. I’m supposed to have a mom to take care of me. But we don’t have either of those things because she just decided to leave us. Why?”
“Because she never understood how much we needed her. She thought so lowly of herself that she thought we would be better off without her. She didn’t know how wrong she was,” he answered.
I took in shaky breaths and said, “I’m sorry dad.”
“Why?”
“Because of what mom did. It probably hurt you. What happened to the man she cheated on you with?”
“After I read the note I drove to his house and gave him a few punches. His wife wanted a divorce after that because she found out what had happened.”
After a while longer of talking, dad left me in my room to think about things. I curled up under my covers, tears still pouring down my face, and let myself think about mom again.
She isn’t who I thought she was, that’s all I could think.
Until I fell asleep.