"So where are we going?" Madison started speaking, startling me.
"Uhm," I said, getting lost for words. "You choose."
She pulled a smile and grabbed my hand. "Take me to one of your favorite places."
And by that, I started igniting my car, resting my back flatly on the driver seat and started driving.
I feel like I am not myself. I keep staring blankly at nothing, thinking about what would just pop out of my mind which is absolutely just one particular person. I keep ignoring it every single time it would come out of my mind, but I just can't seem to fight it. I'm always caught up with my own thoughts, that I couldn't seem to be bothered by anything or anyone anymore. I keep saying that I'm alright and perfectly fine, when in all honesty, I feel like I am not.
"Thinking too much?" Madison chirped, making me pull out a small smile.
"Just focusing on the road, that's all." I lied.
I focused my eyes on the road as I drive, but I watched her closely on my peripheral vision. I held the steering wheel with both of my hands, having the need to keep both of them with me. She took out her phone and popped a gum on her mouth as she started scrolling down at something. She would laugh in a very petite way about something, as she keeps her back rested straightly and flatly on her seat every minute. She settled with a maroon dress and black wedges in about two and a half inches high, with her hair up in a curly ponytail. Her make up is elegant and sophisticated as per usual. She looks so stunning, yet I couldn't stop being uncomfortable. This wasn't like her before. All these make up and dresses and shoes and everything wasn't even in her list of being her before. She always settled with a dress that didn't show off too much of her skin, and shoes that won't make her feet swell. I couldn't stop looking at her from my side, but it wasn't that look that I am being captivated by her appearance. This isn't the Madison Carter I fell in love with.
I kept glancing secretly at her as much as I could manage in every minute. She wouldn't even look up from what's keeping her busy on her phone. She couldn't even take the hint; I want her to do something. I want her to watch everything go by as we drive to where we're going. I want to see an amused smile stuck on her face as she watch the cars we pass by. I want her to roll down the windows of my car on her side without even asking for my permission. I want her to feel the air with her hands out of the windows as we drive around. I want to see her closing her eyes as she feels the wind, making comfortable and relaxed. I want her to start rummaging for a song on my set of album that I always keep on my car. I want her to control the radio, and select songs for us to listen to. I want her to scream and shout lyrics out with me as we sing along next to the song that we're listening to. I want her to take pictures of us no matter if we're looking or not. I want her to glance at me with a smile in any possible way she could. I want her to make me laugh, or even just smile. I want her to do all those things, but it seems that she's not even interested about anything. She remained looking down, smiling and laughing in a very girlish way as she scroll down continuously at her precious phone.
I didn't wait for her to move even just a nerve anymore. I turned on the radio and waited for a random song to play. I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel as I wait. Suddenly, a familiar song came on. A smiled automatically formed in my lips.
"Got a wife and kids at Baltimore jack
I went out for a ride and I never went back
Like a river that don't know where it's flowing
I took a wrong turn and I just kept going..."
I remained smiling, my eyes still glued on the road. I tapped my fingers next to the beat as I silently sing a long next to the song. I still remember every single thing. How can I even forget about it? It was probably one of my favorite memories in my whole life. Even if things changed, and still changing, it will always be inside my head. Memories like that make me happy. Happy because I was able to do something like that. I have always thought it would be completely lame, but it was absolutely and undeniably amazing. I sighed lightly as the songs keeps going. I know I miss it. I miss it so much.
"So you're into oldies?" Madison started speaking with a laugh. It kind of insulted me, but I didn't take it too much.
"Yeah." I grinned emotionless. "It's actually my fav-"
I wasn't able to finish when I turned to look at her, having her head resting in the unrolled windows of my car, with earphones plugged on her ears, her own type of music coming out of it.
I didn't say anything. I just looked away and focused my eyes back on the road. I didn't turn off the radio and remained listening to every song that would play. In my head I am doing all the things that I wanted to do with her, but I was seeing some other person on the passenger seat. Usually I would brush it off away of my head, but this time, I just let everything go on. Even just for once again, let me be with her.
Even just by a song.
*
I settled my eyes at one of the vacant spaces at the parking lot and parked my car. I didn't take too much time on my seat anymore, so I hurriedly went out of the car and breathed some fresh air. Madison followed next, closing the car door behind her, with a confused look stuck on her face.
"Here?" She asked blankly.
"Here." I stated and tried to smile. "It's one of my favorite places."
"I didn't know you're into amusement parks." She retorted with a laugh as she put her sun glasses on with full poise.
I started to think that what I'm actually doing is a bad idea. Probably, a big mess. But I don't know. She wanted me to take her to one of my favorite places, and so I did. I couldn't lie, this place means a lot to me. The memories are all fresh inside my head. There's not even a day that it wouldn't cross my mind. I hate it when it happens, but at the same time, I love it when it pops out of my head. It drives me crazy, but it's probably one of the few things that is keeping me sane as well.
I have lost all the hopes of waiting for her to do the things I wanted her to do, but deep inside me, I still waited. I wanted her to drag me inside with an excited grin flashing on her face. I want her to be playful around and whine about something that would made me laugh instead of getting annoyed. I want her to lead the way and let me discover new things without even her knowing about it. I want her to make me feel that this idea is probably the best I had come up with after being a reckless fool for weeks.
But then, she just just stood there at my right side, still laughing at her own little business, probably waiting for me to start speaking. She didn't even mind to ask, or even just move. She just stood there and laughed continuously about something that I don't know and probably something that I am not even interested about. She just stood there.
I looked away and rolled my eyes, having the thoughts of just going back home. But I couldn't do that. Things would probably get worse. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself down. I need to be patient.
"Let's go?" I said, probably loud enough to let her hear.
She looked up and smiled. "Sure."
I reached out and opened my hands widely for her to hold it, but instead, she hooked her arms around mine and let me lead the way. It didn't felt wrong, but it didn't felt right either. I wanted to mind it, but I didn't. I kept walking without even knowing where to go first. I have been here, but it feels like I'm completely lost. I don't really know where to go first. This time, I had to figure out how I would start and end things in an organized way. Unlike before, I just let myself go with the flow. I did things without even knowing that I would be able to do it. Everything was unexpected back then. Everything was unpredictable.
Just like how I wanted to, I didn't want to expect at things. I didn't want to plan things, I didn't want to expect anything. I wanted it to just happen and come, then I'll deal with it no matter what it is. Even though I wasn't really having fun anymore, I still tried. We kept walking slowly, with her arms linked on mine. We stood silently for I don't know how long as we eat cotton candies while watching whatever comes by. We had a vegetable salad that we ate on a table for two for lunch. We kept walking around the place, but stopped to take a sit at one of the benches because her feet started aching. I tried to play one of those games that usual couples do and got her a small pink teddy bear that she liked too much. Before we decided to go home, I asked her if we can ride even just a single one, and she said yes. We took the ferris wheel, and it was really high. I thought I would pass out because of my fear of heights, but I didn't. I wasn't actually surprised, not at all. I was looking down as we go up, as she remained sitting down with her eyes tightly shut, praying that the slow ride up would only go round for once.
I keep saying I didn't want to expect anything, but in all honesty, I did. From the moment I said I don't want to expect things, it was all an expectation already. I wanted things to be the way just like it was before. I wanted to do them all over again, even if the person I had to do it with was Madison. I wanted her to come out of the car in a hurry the moment I pulled over. I wanted to see an excited smile on her face as she jumps around while begging me to hurry up. I wanted her to interlock her fingers with mine as she drags me anywhere she could manage to take me. I wanted her to run around the place and hide and let me find and chase her. I wanted her to eat anything she sees and try all the food she would see without even minding about her weight, or how she would look like while eating in front of me. I wanted her to talk non stop about everything she sees around. I wanted her to let me try things that she have experienced before that I wasn't able yet. I wanted her to ride the roller coaster with me without even saying that it's not safe. I wanted her to hold my hand and tell me that she'll never let go, no matter what. I wanted her to let me face my fears, because she'll prove me she trusts me enough. I wanted her to make me feel that I could be just myself, no matter what happens.
But then I realized, it all can't happen.
She's not her.
The drive back home was silent, as usual. She was back with her pretty little business with her phone, and I am stuck drowning with my own thoughts. I rolled my windows down and let the fresh air hit my face. It was always relaxing and calming, and I know I needed it. It's getting harder everyday to pull out even just a simple smile. I feel like all the time, I had to fake it. Even with friends, even with my family. I am stuck at something that I thought I would like, but now all I want to do is escape, when I can't even let go from it anymore. I want to scream, I want to burst out. But I couldn't do anything but just remain quiet, not even uttering even just a single word.
I pulled over in front of the building of her little apartment, still not saying anything. We remained silent as we rested both our backs on our seats, staring at nothing.
"Uhm, thank you for today." Madison started speaking, breaking the silence we made. "I had fun."
I just smiled, completely lost for words.
"I remember back then, you told me that you'd rather die than to ride a roller coaster." She chuckled lightly and paused. "That's why I got really shocked when you brought me there. I mean, one of your favorite places."
I remember everything. I was all so scared with heights, that not even the most powerful creature in the world would be able to make me ride the roller coaster. But then this small punk culprit with pink hair tips came into my life, and started changing almost every point of views I have in my life. It's really kind of funny to think of it. That almost all of the changes I have in my life, was because of her. I regret nothing anyway. She became my escape.
I looked down, a smile slowly forming on my lips. She never fails to make me smile whenever she pops out of my head. It's starting to get unhealthy. And I know, for a lot of reasons, even though I don't want to, I need to stop it.
"It's all because of Kristen, isn't it?" Madison stated, making me turn to her immediately with wide eyes in total shock.
"It's all still her, isn't it?" She asked, her voice being shaky.
I looked away and stared at the window, looking at nothing in particular. I don't quite know what to say, but I know, deep in my soul, I know the answer. I don't want to say it, even though it was all what my heart has been crying out for so long. I want to look at Madison and lie to her again, but I couldn't even move even just a nerve anymore. I couldn't keep going; there's no energy left for me anymore. For once, this time after a long time that seemed like forever, I need to fight for what I really want, for what I really need, and for what my heart is really longing for.
I just stayed the same, not even moving even just a bit. I want to tell her she'll be fine, but I know it won't work. Suddenly then, I heard her crying lightly. My eyes widened for some reasons, so I turned to look at her. She was smiling, sadly.
"You know," She started speaking again. "Maybe if I didn't come back, and just choose to move on, I would be happy and settled about being the one that got away."
She looked up at me, meeting my brown worried eyes, looking at her crying blue ones.
"But I came back, because I needed you. But it turns out that I am not what your heart is longing for anymore." She paused and managed to chuckle lightly in between her light sobs.
"You're my one that got away, Calum."
I just looked at her, not really knowing what to say. I wanted to pull out a smile, but I could not. My emotion was blank, and I really don't know what to feel. But then, I still feel sorry about her getting hurt like this. No matter what I do, it's all still because of me.
"Thank you for the little time that I was able to be with you again. I didn't even give you the chance to choose. I am really sorry. I know how much you love her, and how much she loves you too. I became completely inconsiderate about everything, that I didn't even think about what you really feel. I'm so sorry."
She remained crying, and I found myself pulling her into hug. I hate seeing people in this kind of state.
"I'm sorry, too." I uttered.
She pulled away and tried to smile at me. "Don't be."
She unbuckled her seatbelt and gathered all her stuffs. Before she opened the door, she turned to look at me again, smiling sweetly as she could.
"Cal?" She said. I looked at her.
"Please, be happy again. For me, and for her."
By then I realized, nothing was wrong with what just happened. I love Madison, I know I do. But it wasn't like how I felt towards her years ago. I couldn't take back what was done. Although I tried, it didn't seem to work out even just for a bit. All along, with the days that I am with her, I was sure with what I was feeling. I was just completely afraid, and probably confused. Now everything is going back to the way it was before.
Except for one thing.
It's all still her.