ten
I spent the Saturday crying, crying and more crying.
That was the only thing good about the situation, was that this all happened on a Friday. I had to clear my head over the weekend, which was good.
That Friday after Nick left my house, Lyssa, Grace and Jade unfollowed me on Instagram. Nick unadded me from Snapchat and blocked my number.
I guess none of them wanted to keep in contact with me anymore.
And that hurt, but I understood. Who'd want to be friends with a gay freak like me?
My mind was the most annoying part about the situation. The good side of my mind would fight with the bad side of my mind all through out the night and it irritated me.
Who knew your own head could turn against you.
Saturday was just as worse. All I could do was cry, let it all out. And I guess one thing led to another, where I ended up beating myself up, trying to make my mind shut up.
Janelle, it's going to be alright!
Stop lying to the girl. She lost all her friends because she's a stupid fag.
I am not lying. Being a homosexual is something that everyone should be proud of.
Breaking the bible's rules aren't something you shouldn't be proud of.
It's not sinning! It's loving yourself!
Gays don't deserve love.
They do!
They don't.
"Stop confusing me!" I scream between sobs, placing my hands on both sides of my face. I get up and start kicking and punching the air, and then myself.
"W-What do you want from me?" I scream, pulling at my own hair.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry I'm such a stupid fag!" I stop hitting myself, and I let all my tears fall. "I'm s-sorry!"
I throw myself back into my bed, putting my face into the pillow and screaming.
"Fag!" I scream. "You stupid gay girl that doesn't deserve love!"
I deeply sigh and turn to face the ceiling.
"What am I going to do?" I ask my mind, wiping my red eyes.
Conversion therapy
No! Do anything BUT conversion therapy! Look up how to cure homosexuality, for all I care! Just not conversion therapy!
I shake my head, wondering what was so bad about conversion therapy. It didn't sound so bad, just a way to cure homosexuality.
But since I didn't want a huge headache by the way my mind was fighting, I decided to look up "How to cure homosexuality" on my laptop.
I scrolled through various sites, until I stopped at one called "5 Ways".
"How to cure homosexuality in 5 ways or more" The site read, "5 Ways is here to help you get rid of that pesky disease we call homosexuality. Follow all the steps and you will be guaranteed a new, heterosexual, person."
My eyes widen at the words "pesky disease". I simply always thought being gay was just a sexuality, not some type of illness.
But, I guess that's what they make websites for. To prove others wrong.
I skim through some of the guidelines, and start reading the steps.
Oh, boy, this would take quite a while to understand.
~~~~~~~~~
Sunday
After about a day of interpreting the meaning of all 5 steps, I wrote them down and made it into a list.
♡ Janelle's 5 Ways to Cure Homosexuality ♡
Day 1: Being honest with your sins
Day 2: Stop calling homosexuality a healthy lifestyle; It's awful and full of sin
Day 3: Change for the right reasons
Day 4: Apologize to anyone you went off at for calling you a "faggot that will go to Hell"
Day 5: Change and remove anything about yourself that's gay
I stared at the list for a couple of minutes, before taping it to my weekly planner clipboard and going to the living room.
Much to my surprise, Mom was in there, playing cards.
"Hi, Ma'" I greet her, sitting down across from her.
"Oh, hello Janelle. Are you alright? You look a little messy and your eyes are bloodshot red." My mom asks with concern.
"Yeah, just a little tired." I say, rubbing my eye. It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the full truth.
"Oh, alright." Is all she says, and we play a game of cards.
"So," She finally speaks up, eyes on the cards. "Have you found a girl yet?"
My gaze goes from the cards to my mom, instantly standing up, trying not to cry.
"Um," I say, trying not to break into tears, "No. But, I just remembered, I have homework. See you later Ma'" I run out of the living room and into my room, shutting the door and sliding down to the floor.
I being my knees to my chest, sighing.
Don't cry, don't cry.
"Shut up." I mumble, getting up and sitting at my desk.
I stare down at the weekly planner. I glanced at the description of each day and what to do.
What if it doesn't work, genius?
I open my laptop, and it was still on the same site.
The very last disclaimer, at the bottom, was simply my answer.
"If the steps do not work," I hesitated at reading the rest, "Then seek conversion therapy. That would be the only logical thing to do."
Janelle, do not do it.
Do it, Janelle. You need to feel the hurt and anger that you made your friends feel. Do it.
I sigh, rubbing my head. The bad side was of course the logical side.
The good side was simply the comforting and cautious side.
I look down at my list of cures once again. A part of me wanted to throw it away, restart my life, and try to get my friends back.
That part of me just wanted to be happy and relive the day I went to the pier with Jade. I was free of worries, uncaring. I just wanted to be with her. Happy. Gay.
But, I didn't throw the paper away. I kept it as it was. The other part of me knew what had to be done.
I already messed everything up, and this was the time to change it.
No one was simply happy with me anymore, I had to be that changed all of that.
Make new friends and hide the old, was the saying.
All I wanted to come from out of this was to be happy.
And to be straight.
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a/n: lmao it's about time I update. Sorry, I just didn't feel like doing anything but sleep all weekend oops.
Y'all won't believe how long it took me to research and come up with these homosexuality curing steps without plagiarizing.
It broke my heart reading all of those sites, all those religious bastards smh.
But like I updated so yay
Word Count: 1143