Chapter 48 – I Can't Do This
The atmosphere was chaotic. I had finished feeding, but was still very weak. I hadn't bothered to get off of the floor. Abby sat next to me. She kept an arm loosely around my shoulder, in case I fell over. I wasn't entirely sure I wouldn't.
Myrnin and Trystan stood across the room. They were actively engaged in a conversation with three other vampires. I looked at the strong lines of his profile. I loved him more than life itself. Amelie's powers had quieted down. I was in my right mind again. But I still maintained the mental block. He couldn't see my emotions. Not right now. Not when all I felt was – guilt.
Activity to my right caught my attention. I looked to find Gwion finishing his third human. He had needed much more blood than I had, to recover. He started to get up. The vampires all around him reached to assist, but he shrugged them off. He settled himself back on the green velvet couch we had shared only moments before. He looked rough and his movements were still noticeably impeded, but I was deeply thankful to see him functioning. I knew he felt like shit. Because I felt the same way. The aftereffect of the drug felt like a grueling hangover. And he had taken three hits.
Gwion looked up at me. His unfathomable gaze spoke a thousand words, and asked a thousand more questions. The last fifteen minutes replayed in my mind as I stared into his dark liquid eyes. I didn't have any answers for him.
I flushed and looked away – only to find Myrnin watching me. The expression of pain in his eyes was enough to kill me. He hadn't missed the intensity of the look between Gwion and me. He knew something had happened. He just didn't know what. And I wasn't sure if I could survive telling him, knowing how much it would hurt him. As much as he wanted to believe he wouldn't blame me, I wondered if he would feel resentment instead. He deserved better than this. He deserved better than me.
Without a word, Myrnin crossed the room and gathered me into his arms. He kept me cradled against his chest and walked out the door. Trystan and Abigail followed closely behind as we made our way back to the vehicle. Myrnin climbed in the back seat with me, but rather than remain against his chest, I slid over into the seat next to him. A muscle in his jaw clenched, but he let me go. No one spoke while Trystan drove us back to the hotel.
By the time we entered the room, I had made my decision.
"I can't do this," I whispered, barely able to get the words past the lump in my throat. I thought my chest might explode, as pain consumed me.
"What exactly can't you do?" Myrnin asked. His tone was deadly quiet.
"Us," I answered brokenly.
"What happened?" He asked grimly.
I told him.
I didn't leave anything out.
And as expected, the look of pain that crossed his face was enough to feel like a kick in the stomach, It took my breath away. He was silent for a long moment and then began, "I told you..."
I cut him off. I knew what he was going to say. He was going to tell me that he didn't blame me. And maybe he wouldn't, but I couldn't continue to do this to him.
"This isn't about you..." I started.
Fury rolled over his features as he spat, "How the fuck is this not about me? You are telling me that you don't want me, so I would say I am very much involved."
Tears rolled down my cheeks. I briskly swiped them away. I couldn't cry right now. If I gave in to my own pain, I wouldn't be strong enough to finish this. "This is not the person I want to be," I tried to explain.
He stopped and looked at me in confusion.
I continued in a rush, "I can't be the person who cheats. Or the person who gets off on brutally inflicting pain. Myrnin, you probably agree that the vampire, who attacked me, deserved everything I did to him. But that wasn't me. It's not who I want to be. And what I am doing to you is a hundred times worse. I cannot be that person. I have been a vampire for less than a week, and I don't recognize myself at all. If you love me...please...let me go."
His pupils dilated completely as he spoke between clenched teeth, "I'll kill him."
"No!" I cried. I knew it wasn't an empty threat.
He froze. He was teetering dangerously close to the edge. I could see it everything about him and I took a step back from his wrath. He glared at me and hissed, "So, this is about Gwion...You want him." His words were an accusation, not a question.
"No! How can you even think that is my reason for not wanting you to attack him? You have already told me how devastating a fight that would be. There are no promises that you would win. Would you really punish me like that?"
Fury vibrated through his chest. "You're just giving him what he wants. Are you really ready to be a pawn in his game? Because that is what you are to him. You are a thing to play with!" he said derisively.
Anger shot through me. "I am not giving him anything. As hard as this may be for you to believe, my reasons are about me. It is killing me to continue hurting you. I can't be that person. Besides, none of this is Gwion's fault."
"Not his fault?!" Myrnin repeated my words in enraged disbelief. He took a purposeful step toward me.
I knew this was dangerous. He was dangerous. If he lost control now... If the beast inside of him roared to the surface, he could easily kill me. But I couldn't back down. This was too important and he needed to see the truth. "Yes...Because I keep going after him, not the other way around. Amelie's powers want him, which means I want him. Gwion didn't force me to take her powers. That was your idea," I spat.
He recoiled as if I had hit him. Guilt and anguish washed over his features. And then he turned cold. His face transformed into a solid mask of indifference.
And I was dying inside.
"I'll make the arrangements," he said quietly and walked out the door.
I couldn't stop the tears. They were a constant stream down my cheeks. I changed clothes and washed the makeup off of my face. My entire body shook as I sat in a chair with my knees tucked up under my chin, waiting for Myrnin to return. I had no idea what he meant by arrangements. I wondered if he was going to have someone take me back to Morganville tonight. I wouldn't argue with him if that's what he chose. I knew I was tearing us apart. I wouldn't fault him for wanting to put states between us.
A knock at the door caused me to jump. I hurriedly crossed the room and opened it to find Abby. Her eyes were gentle as she held out a key card to me and murmured, "Your new room."
Of course.
Of course, we couldn't stay in the same room.
It would be too painful for him.
And me. My heart broke all over again.
I looked down at my sleep shorts and T-shirt and said, "Let me just change."
"That won't be necessary. You are only a few doors down the hall. The hotel staff will bring your things. Come on," she explained softly.
"Oh, okay," I said flatly. In the last fifteen minutes, my entire existence had changed. I felt disconnected with my body; like I was on autopilot.
We entered the new room. It was smaller than the suite I had shared with Myrnin, but had two beds. I sat stiffly on the closest bed. I had no idea what to do now and dreaded the thought of being alone. I looked up at Abby and whispered, "Will you stay with me... For just a little bit?"
She smiled kindly. "Yes... I am actually staying in the room with you, while you are here. He thought you might need that."
Fresh tears cascaded passed the crescent border of my eyelashes and made their way down my cheeks. Even after all I had done to hurt him, he took care of me.
Abby quickly sat next to me and gathered me into her arms. "Shhh... It will be okay. Not now... But it will be okay. Do you want to talk?"
I nodded. She was a good listener and even made me smile a few times. Another flood of tears hit when the staff brought all of my things and put them away. It was too painful to watch, so I took a shower instead.
I made my way out of the bathroom and sat back down on the bed, absentmindedly pulling a brush through my hair to remove the tangles. A knock at the door caused me to jump. Myrnin?
"I'll get it," Abby said quickly and open the door to reveal Gwion.
His eyes quickly found me in the room. He murmured, "Can we talk?"
Abby cast a quick look of worry toward me.
I nodded my consent. I knew eventually he and I would need to talk about what happened. I might as well get it all done tonight.
Gwion stepped into the room and looked at Abigail.
"Oh, right... Let me just give you some privacy. Call me when you're done?" She looked at me questioningly.
"I will," I agreed as she walked out the door.
I stood and purposefully went to sit in one of the two chairs in the room. I had already given him too many mixed signals. I didn't want us to be sharing a bed while we talked.
He joined me in the other chair and opened the conversation quietly, "What happened?"
"I'm not sleeping with you," I told him. I didn't want him to mistake our talk for anything more than just a conversation.
He smiled and said easily, "I know."
I looked at him carefully. He wasn't blocking his emotions, even though all of mine were carefully hidden away. I found no insincerity in his response. I relaxed and murmured, "I need time. Too much has changed too quickly."
"The change to a vampire can be difficult," he affirmed hesitantly. He knew there was more.
I continued to explain. "No, it's not just that. My relationship with Myrnin is still new. You somewhat accelerated things." I added wryly.
"Me?" His eyebrow quirked.
"Clāmāre... The day before our Challenge... Was our first time," I explained.
His eyes widened in surprise. He breathed, "Damn... That was certainly a bold way to begin. Especially with him. Does nothing scare you?"
I laughed shortly without humor, "That was the least scary moment with him...I can't tell you how many times he's tried to kill me."
He nodded in understanding. "I wondered about that. Very few humans survive him. Most don't last more than a few months. Needless to say, I was surprised when he brought you to me," Gwion commented.
"The beast inside of him responds to me," I explained simply.
His eyes widened. He leaned forward with the most intensity I had ever seen from him and murmured, "Fascinating...How do you do it?"
I knew I had triggered his scientific interest. I thought about it for a moment. "I don't show fear and I don't physically react...And sometimes, I have to force my hand with a measure of strength."
He nodded as he considered my words. "That is why you did not jump or run – or even flinch – when I advanced on you in my office," he guessed correctly.
"Yes," I replied.
"But what measure of strength do you refer to?" He inquired intently.
I shivered at the memory, as I explained, "I drive a dagger into his chest."
"What the fuck?" Gwion asked and waited to see if I was kidding. When I was silent, his expression turned to complete amazement. "He allows you to stake him? There would be no way for you to accomplish it, if he didn't allow it. There is certainly no doubt that love can change a man, even one such as him," he contemplated.
My heart constricted when he mentioned Myrnin's love. It took me a moment to continue, "I don't think love is the reason. We have worked together and he has been my best friend for two years, but he only mentioned being in love with me for a few months."
"Hmmm..." He murmured as he thought about my words. Finally, he looked at me and brought me gently back to the topic at hand. He spoke quietly, "What are you not telling me?"
He was too perceptive to just accept my 'I need time' answer. He wanted to know why I had broken it off with Myrnin, why I was now sleeping in a separate room. I sighed.
"He deserves better. He shouldn't have to worry that I might jump on you every time he isn't around. Particularly when he's usually right," I answered honestly.
"What if that isn't what he wants? Would you take his choice away?" Gwion asked frankly.
It felt a little weird to be having this conversation with Gwion, particularly after almost having sex with him hours earlier. But right now I just didn't care. "Are you suggesting I let him make that choice? Wouldn't that be counterproductive to your endgame in obtaining me?"
He smirked, "My endgame is always in motion. I'm just suggesting that maybe he isn't as breakable as you think he is."
"Maybe... But I can't be that person. I can't be the person who cheats," I explained, fighting the lump in my throat.
Gwion stopped and studied me. I had no idea what he was looking for or what he found. Finally he asked, "Why aren't you angry with me?" He looked genuinely perplexed.
That answer was simple. I had just explained the same thing to Myrnin. "I keep jumping on you because of Amelie's powers. You didn't force her powers on me. I chose that."
He contemplated my response and then murmured, "Brilliantly played, by the way. You were very close to succeeding. I believed the lie... That she had lost her powers. It is exceedingly rare for anyone to successfully deceive me."
"You could fix it. You could let Amelie take back her powers," I spoke the obvious.
"You already know I won't do that," he replied unapologetically. "But I will leave. When the time comes, I will return to Conwy. I want you to join me. But even if you don't, I will still go."
I understood what he meant. We both sat quietly for a moment, each engaged in our own thoughts. "He wants to kill you, you know."
He chuckled, "It isn't the first time... And it won't be the last. I can handle Myrnin," he assured me.
"Gwion, who do you think is behind all of this?" Myrnin and I had not had a chance to talk about what else happened at the rave tonight. I had no idea what was going on, and I doubted Myrnin would want to discuss it with me now.
His expression turned hard. "There are very few people in this world who would dare try such a thing. I'm fairly certain it is Lucas," he stated through clenched teeth, his eyes blazing in fury.
"Lucas? He is another bloodline vampire," I stated. I remembered Myrnin telling me the names of all of the bloodline vampires. "Why does he want you dead? And how does Ciro play into all of this? It cannot be a coincidence that he was doing your dirty work and now he's trying to kill you."
"No, there was no coincidence. That motherfucker has been playing more than one agenda, as well as his own obsession with you. I highly doubt Lucas endorsed your kidnapping. Don't get me wrong. That behavior is not beneath Lucas. I just don't suspect it in this case. And I sure as fuck, did not send Ciro to Morganville with instructions to torment you. That was never part of my plan," Gwion growled.
I shuddered. My eyes fell and I mumbled, "I wish I had never laid eyes on him."
Gwion reached out to touch my arm, so that I would look at him. "I do regret that, little minx. I regret ever sending Ciro to Morganville."
I blinked. Once again I couldn't quite figure him out. I knew this was his way of apologizing for his part in Ciro hurting me, even though that was never Gwion's intention when he sent him. I had just assumed Gwion would never apologize for his actions.
"Okay," I whispered. I gave up trying to understand and moved on. "Where did you go? Why didn't you answer anyone's calls?" I still couldn't figure out his reasoning.
"Because I was the mouse," he smirked.
I stared at him like he had three heads, and figured he would clear up that little bit of nonsense when he was ready, so I just waited.
He was obviously enjoying my expression as he continued, "I kept the cat busy. It was better for them to be chasing me, than for them to focus their attention on the hotel."
I understood and breathed, "You were the bait. But why the silence? Why not let everyone know that?" I asked a bit petulantly, still a little miffed over having worried about him.
"Because I am not certain where everyone's loyalty lies," he answered. His nostrils flared and his mouth was set in a thin hard line.
"You think there is a mole?" I asked in surprise.
"I have reason to, yes," he replied darkly.
My stomach churned. "How can I know who to trust? Your life is on the line, but I also have a clear target on my back," my voice rose as panic crept in.
"You are safe with Myrnin, Trystan and Abigail," he assured me.
I cringed and muttered, "I'm not so certain Myrnin is going to want to be around me."
He looked at me with the strangest expression, but didn't reply to my comment. I wondered what he was thinking, but knew him well enough to know that if he didn't offer his thoughts, more than likely, he wasn't going to share. He suddenly surprised me by asking, "Why must you be so appealing?"
That was so not the response I was expecting. I rolled my eyes and scoffed, "Does that line normally work?"
"Little minx, I have never wanted a woman more than I want you," he replied, his eyes gleaming.
"Enough to poison me when I'm not looking?" I asked pointedly. There was no point in avoiding the obvious. He had gone to great – and lethal – lengths to get Amelie.
He laughed, "Once again, I would never be so unimaginative as to play the same game twice."
"Fantastic. I would have preferred a response that included a commitment not to try to kill me in the future," I said dryly.
His expression turned serious. "Little minx, you beat me in a Challenge...Which means you have earned different rules."
His response surprised me. "You're not going to explain those rules, are you?" I already knew his answer.
"Of course not," he smirked.
"Of course not," I repeated to myself, contemplating everything we had talked about. "You don't love me," I noted. Again, just stating the obvious.
"No," he answered simply.
I laughed, "Not much of a player, are you? Don't you know that women like to hear sentiments of love?"
He rolled his eyes and stood to his feet, getting ready to leave. "I don't need to pretend to be something I am not, to get a woman."
"You won't get me," I warned him.
His eyes danced mischievously. "We'll see..."
He walked to the door.
"Wait..." I said.
He turned and stared at me curiously.
"Are you able to...Make someone...Fall asleep?" I asked hesitantly, feeling foolish for even asking. But I just wanted to shut my brain off for a few hours.
"Yes, little minx, I can do that. Do you want me to?" He asked softly.
Even though I had asked the question, I was still surprised. I wondered about the true extent of his mental abilities. "Yes," I answered and walked over to the bed, climbing under the sheets. My entire body ached from anxiety and that damn drug.
He knelt down next to the bed so that he was eye level with me. He locked me in his dark gaze and asked, "You trust me this much?"
"Yes," I whispered, thankful for the blissful oblivion as my eyes grew heavy and sleep overwhelmed me.
..........
When I finally awoke, I struggled to figure out where I was and what was going on. "Myrnin?" I mumbled and then I remembered. And my heart broke all over again. Hot tears burned down my cheeks and I struggled to breathe.
"Shhh..." Abby hurried to my side.
After a moment, my sobbing slowed.
Abby tugged on my hand to get my attention. I looked up to find her face and froze. Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong. "What is it?!" I choked out.
Her expression faltered and she cried, "I'm so sorry!"
Adrenaline pounded through my veins. "What happened?" I asked flatly.
"Myrnin...he..." She stopped.
"He...What?! Abby, what the fuck happened to Myrnin?!" I demanded, my voice rose an octave.
She began again, trying to get all of the details out, "When I left you yesterday, I went Trystan's room. Myrnin was there. He wanted to know why I had left you..."
"Noooo," a strangled whisper escaped my lips, already knowing where this conversation was going.
"I couldn't lie to him...He would have known if I tried to lie. I told him that you would call me when you were... Done. He waited, but you didn't call. An hour and a half later, Gwion called. All Gwion told me was that you were in bed, asleep, and instructed me not to wake you."
Horror filled me as I confirmed, "And you told Myrnin?"
Tears filled her eyes. "Yes...I am so sorry."
I knew how bad it looked. Gwion in my room for an hour and a half – had it really been that long – and then not leaving until I was asleep. There was no doubt in my mind. Myrnin thought I had sex with Gwion. Shit, shit, shit!!
"It's not your fault," I mumbled to Abby. It was impossible to lie to Myrnin. "What did he do?" This was the part I was dreading. An unstable Myrnin was unpredictable, to say the least...And quite lethal, to say the most. With the latter being, by far the most common outcome.
"He left," she whispered.
I jumped up and dug for my phone. "How long has he been gone? Why didn't you wake me up?!" I hissed.
"I wanted to! But Gwion had instructed me not to. Claire, if I had gone against his instructions, I would be putting my life on the line. He does not take kindly to disobedience."
I finally extracted my phone and hurriedly gave it instructions to call Myrnin. As I listened to it ring – and ring – I knew he wasn't going to pick up.
Fuck!!
I threw the phone on the bed and then snatched it up again. This time I called Gwion. He answered on the first ring.
"Where is he?" I demanded, not bothering to elaborate. I was certain Gwion would know. He knew everything else that was going on.
"You should call him," he responded shortly.
I ground my teeth together. "I did try to call him. He didn't answer."
"Little minx, I won't discuss Myrnin with you," his voice was hard.
I snapped, "You had no problem discussing him with me yesterday."
"Our conversation pertained to you. This does not. I will say that he is alive, but you will have to get any other information from him."
There was a click and then silence. I stared at the phone in disbelief. That jackass just hung up on me!
What could be happening, that was so bad, that Gwion refused to tell me?!