It's almost the end of term, I'm looking forward to summer with just Matthew and I, no school anymore and no interruptions, it sounds like heaven to me. I know I should be thinking about college applications, but the truth is my head isn't in it. I only applied to make my parents happy, but in truth I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I know I want to become a devil and I know I want to be with Matthew, but as for everything else I have absolutely no idea. I will talk to them about taking a gap year when I think the time is right.
It was a normal cold, dreary morning as I got out of bed, I found the usual note from Matthew. I was ready within the hour; my hair had been washed making it look squeaky clean and shiny and hang comfortably past my shoulders. It has gotten very long, but still it looked nice with its natural waves. I wore a pair of blue ripped jeans, a dark blue top and a black cardigan with a pair of blue dolly shoes and my usual black school bag. I also wore the beautiful locket that Matthew had given me, I never take it off. I gazed at its insides frequently, I love having a photo of him close to my heart always. I like carrying his book of poems about with me too, that way I can read them anytime I like. They are a real pick me up when I'm feeling low or insecure about my relationship with him. I know how much Matthew loves me he tells me all the time, but I still can't quite believe it and if it was taken away from me I wouldn't be surprised. It's not healthy being in a relationship with someone who makes you feel these feelings because of how perfect they are. But, that isn't his fault it's just my insecurities and I need to get over them. No matter how many times I read them they always bring a tear to my eye. It was so romantic of him to get them bound for me, and it looks like I have heard the last of these poems since Matthew prefers to sing to me now. Not that I mind, I will treasure these poems always and I will look forward to every song. In a way, he just sings the words rather than speaking them, and some would say that is even more romantic. And, he even does it with a guitar what more could a girl want.
I lifted my freshly printed photographs from the table in the hallway and flicked through them one by one. Matthew and his family certainly did stick out like a sore thumb, they were so beautiful and perfect compared to everyone else. They looked like they had been perfectly sculpted then photographed, if they didn't stick out before they definitely did now. It's just much more obvious when you put them all together. They mean a lot to me now, well most of them do anyway. I am looking forward to becoming one of their kind in the future. I finally came to the pictures of Matthew and me.
He stood there, beautiful, his eyes were as green as the grass grown by mother nature herself, his lips were as red as the blood running through my veins, his skin was as white as the clouds that form in the sky and his hair was as brown as the bark on a tree. He stood a tall 6ft 1, he was just perfect in every possible way and this picture would be beautiful if it wasn't for the pathetic girl standing next to him. My eyes were a washed out blue, my lips were a drained red, my skin was as lifeless as that of a dead corpse, but my hair was long, brown, and wavy it was my only saving grace. And my dress and wedges did help quite a bit to make a plain girl find some prettiness thanks to Hayley.
You only need to take one look at him, then at me and you can see how drastically different we are, but I guess that's what makes us compatible. Even though I don't look anywhere near as beautiful as Matthew in this photo, I will frame it. Only because I would like to have a photo of us together up in my room, and I can stare at it when he isn't with me.
As I approached the kitchen door I found Gwen and Ryan with the video camera out, I peered round to see what they were pointing at.
Oh, my god I can't believe it! Summer was walking at just a year and a half old, she is such a quick learner and growing up so fast. I know I saw her stand the other night, but I didn't know she could actually walk. It feels like it wasn't so long ago I was holding her in my arms for the first time.
Gwen turned to me as she heard my feet squeak across the floor, damn shoes. "Walking already, can you believe?" she gushed, tears at her eyes.
"No, I really can't," I gasped in utter surprise.
She came towards me and wrapped her arms around me, she squeezed me so tight I thought that I might burst. I could tell that she was so proud and full of happiness in this moment. I like little moments like this, it brings our family closer together. It just began to hit me how much I would miss this. When I change, I don't know how much I will be able to be around them, whether it will be my choice or the devil within me's choice. But, I will fight my way back to them even if that means an inner battle with myself. I just don't want to miss Summer growing up, I want to be there for her I want to be what a big sister should be. She will still be really young when I change, I might not even get to see her first day at school. I suppose Gwen could send me photos and I could talk to them on the phone and have the odd visit. But, it wouldn't be the same, that was the sacrifice I had to pay to be what I wanted to be and to be in the world I belonged to.
What will happen to Summer when Gwen and Ryan pass on? I will be the only close family she has left. How can I just leave her like that? I can't be there for her unless I tell her my secret and I don't know how she would take it. I love being a part of this world, but I don't want her to, I want her to be safe and lead a normal life. I know that I may not be able to have it both ways, but I must try. I will be there for as much as I can or as much as she allows me to be, even if it isn't very much. I will always watch over her no matter where I am, I will keep her safe. That is a promise I will make with myself, to always keep Summer safe no matter the cost.
Am I making the right choice to become a devil? Right now, I don't have the answer to that question. On one hand, I know that I want to become a devil I have never felt more alive, more myself until I came upon this world, But, it comes with its burdens and I'm not entirely sure I want to take those on. I suppose I have a few years or in all fairness as long as I like to decide. I would love it if I could have the best of both worlds, but it's not that simple and every year that would pass by I would be getting older and Matthew would remain unchanged. I didn't need more of a complex than I already had about us. In one way, I want to be selfish I want to live in a world where I live forever, in a world I feel whole and alive. I want to escape the pain and the torture of human emotion and let go off all the ties that bind me to the past. But, in a way I don't want to leave my family, I don't want to let them down.
I was brought back down to reality with Gwen shouting my name and waving her hand in my face, I hadn't even realised she had broken away from our hug.
"Sorry mum, daydreaming............of little Summer's future."
She smiled, a tear finally broke away from her left eye and rolled down her cheek. "Yes, she will lead an amazing life, she is so clever."
I was glad when I heard Matthew's car beep, these thoughts were not ones to be having this early in the morning.
"I'll watch the video later, bye mum, bye dad."
"Bye," they both replied with their eyes back to being glued in Summer's direction.
At least if I do leave, Summer will keep them occupied, it will make them miss me less. I left the house with a different outlook on everything, I hadn't quite realised what I was leaving behind before. I now see where Matthew was coming from when he asked me if I knew what I was saying, when I wanted to be with him forever. I didn't truly know before, but I do now and I am not so quick to let go of everything I know. He was right I need to grow and I need to realise fully what I would be giving up if I make the choice to become a devil.
I climbed into the car, he shut my door behind me then quickly jumped in beside me, I wanted to speak to him but my thoughts were pre-occupied with other things. When we arrived at school, that's when he turned to me. Something he always seems to do when he knows I have something on my mind.
"What's wrong?"
"I was just thinking about family."
I watched as his eyes hit the floor, "you don't have to do this for me, it may be a few years away but you don't have to do this at all. You can stay human and stay here and be with your friends and your family. I have messed your life up enough already, don't let me mess it up anymore," he pleaded.
"You don't understand, right now truly I don't know what I want, life is about making mistakes again and again until you find what you're looking for. I'm just realising if I make this choice I can't take it back, and I won't make it until I know it is what I truly want. But, that doesn't mean I want you to walk out of my life. I love you and I want to be with you, isn't that enough for you to stay?"
He looked at me seeming unconvinced.
"Matthew, you are my life now, and I refuse to live without you."
"Are you sure? I don't want you look back and regret being with me, regret what you missed out on because you are with me. I want you to live a full life, I don't want to take anything away from you."
"The only thing you can take away from me is my choice, my choice right now is to be with you, can you accept that?"
"Yes," he smiled. "As long as you want me I'll be here."
I watched as he jumped over the car door and whizzed round to my side to open the door for me, I slid out and heard it shut with a thud behind me. Matthew casually put his arm around me which put a smile on my face I was so happy things were more physical again. I love the touch of his warm skin upon me, it made me feel safe in the arms of a devil no less.
You know considering we have been dating for around six months now you think people would have gotten used to us by now, but no we still got stares and awkward looks. Matthew never seemed to notice, or maybe he did and it just didn't bother him because he had been getting them for so long now. I tried to not let it bother me, but it still did.
As we crossed the courtyard I caught sight of a guy staring at us, someone who I have never seen before. It couldn't be a new student, that was meant to be very rare here and it was too close to the end of term. I couldn't really get a clear view of what he looked like, Matthew was taking us at too fast a pace. I don't know why, but I need to find out who that is.
Matthew stopped us abruptly as we stepped inside the double doors, "what's that sticking out of your bag?"
I slid them out and handed them to him.
"So, these are the photographs from your birthday party, I was wondering when I was going to see these."
I watched as he carefully flicked through them, my head fell to the floor as he reached one of the two of us. I felt his warm hand lift my chin up until our eyes met.
"What's the matter?"
"Just look at that picture, you're perfect and then there's me, and I'm a mess."
He sighed and wrapped me up in his warm arms, he always knew how to get a smile back on my face.
"You are not a mess, you are the most beautiful creature I have met in my entire existence, and don't you ever think anything different."
It's hard to do when there is evidence right there slapping you in the face, "I may be flawless one day."
He pushed me away in that second, "I like all your flaws, I don't want you to change, you are beautiful just the way you are," he persisted.
I smiled as much as I could muster, we would just have to agree to disagree.
"I'll walk you to cooking.
Cooking? Shoot, I left my cooking notes at home.
"I don't have any of my notes with me," I moaned.
How stupid can you be? I would lose my head if it wasn't already attached to my body.
"What are we going to do with you?" he sighed.
I shrugged my shoulders and looked down at my feet.
"I'll go and get them for you."
"Won't you be late for class?"
"It won't take me long."
He was most likely thinking of running back to my house to get them, but it was by far quicker than driving.
"Thank you."
He smiled, kissed me on the forehead and left. I glanced at my watch, I still had 15 minutes before the bell. I could go and meet my friends or I could go and find out who that guy was, my curiosity took priority as always. I sped off down the corridor and back out into the courtyard. The clouds were merging together and darkening, a light wind sped through the air and grabbed my hair throwing it forward around my face. As I pushed it away I got a whiff of freshly cut grass, usually I would stand and take in this sweet fragrance but my curiosity made me walk on. That guy was still standing in the very same spot and again he was staring at me. He wasn't another Zac, was he? I sure hope not, as they say 'curiosity killed the cat', but I need to find out he is. I want to know what he's doing here and what he wants with me. I walked over until I was in front of the trees he stood behind. They were tall, but slim, I waited in front of them as he came out into full view.
He was tall, blonde, slim but muscular with hazel brown eyes and he wore very simple, yet stylish clothes. I am good at remembering people and I would definitely have remembered him, he was out of the ordinary kind of like Matthew's family. He wasn't another devil, was he? No, he couldn't be, he didn't have earthly green eyes like Matthew and his family.
"Who are you?" I asked with a hint of caution in my voice as he crept closer towards me.
He smiled, "I am your guardian angel," he said so calmly as if he thought what he was saying was just another everyday occurrence.
"Come again?" I asked confused, moving backwards very slowly away from him. I almost tripped on a small branch but luckily, I caught myself just in time. Something I did rarely, I just couldn't let myself tear my eyes off him. It was like I was afraid he would do something if I so much as battered an eyelid I would give him the opening he was searching for.
He was serious now, "I'm Aaron Lightwood, your guardian angel. I was given permission by the Guardian to reveal myself to you," he stated as he stood patiently waiting for my response. I couldn't read anything from his face or his eyes, they were clear of all emotion.
The Guardian, I remember Matthew telling me about him a while ago when I discovered who he truly was. I could remember it like it was yesterday, The Guardian was Satan's enemy, in control of the angels and in this case Aaron. But why was he revealing himself to me? Why now? I knew there were angels, but I didn't know that they watched over humans. Matthew didn't tell me that part, although I didn't ask. I was more interested in devils, in him.
Maybe I would lose mine, if I become a devil. It would make sense since I wouldn't be human anymore, and angels and devils are enemies.
I was brought out of my thoughts with Aaron's voice, "I have been LOOKING OUT for you ever since you were born, and that's why I am here now I am here to stop you." He continued, "to save you."
To stop me? To stop me what? And to save me? Daniel was the one who has looked out for me all my life and Matthew is the one who protects me now. I don't need anyone else doing that for me, nor do I want anyone else looking out for me.
I looked down as Aaron outstretched his hand, "come with me, I need more time to talk to you." I considered his hazel brown eyes they were very inviting, they were everything that was pure and good in this world. His face remained blank, most people are very good at hiding their emotions from their face. The eyes, they never lie. I still don't understand though, go with him? I don't even know him; besides I have school and Matthew will be wondering where I went to.
He smirked, "what can't leave lover boy?" he mocked, as I stood there deliberating, partly.
"I don't even know you," I muttered.
He smirked again, "sure you do, I am in your thoughts and dreams from time to time trying to get you to take the right path."
Did he think I was taking the wrong path now? Was that why he was here? I need answers. I can miss school there's not much left of it now anyway and all my exams are done. I will explain everything to Matthew later, I reached out and took Aaron's hand. He was ice cold, I almost flinched at his touch. I feel like I had just put my hand in a freezer, must be an angel thing.
We appeared in my bedroom, I could see my wardrobe door lying half open, Matthew must have been in here already. I feel bad leaving him in the lurch like this, but he knew as well as I did that when my mind was set on something there was no changing it.
I looked over towards Aaron to find him staring at me, half amused, "don't worry lover boy left a few minutes ago."
"How did you do that?" I asked still amazed at how one minute I was in the school courtyard and the next I was in my bedroom, where Matthew had only been a few minutes earlier. I wish he were here, I have grown dependent upon him especially since the shopping incident. I shuddered at that thought, I still haven't gotten over that and I don't think I ever will.
Something tells me that what Aaron wants to talk about is for my ears only.
He smirked, "one of my many powers."
I slide across the floor and sat on my bed, "so you came to talk, so talk," I said blatantly. No point beating around the bush, I don't like waiting especially if he is just here to waste my time.
"Feisty."
I smirked, I have never been called feisty before. Well there's a first time for everything and there seemed to be a lot of first's lately.
"I have tried to change your mind without revealing myself, but there's still too strong an urge there. Your feelings were stronger than I thought, this was the only way I could think of to stop you from making a terrible mistake."
A mistake? Then it hit me, the very thing I have been arguing over and over in my own head was whether I should become a devil and whether or not to be with Matthew forever. Was that all down to him? He was the one messing with my thoughts, how dare he? He was making me angry, I could feel my face turn into a scowl. I forced my anger down, not allowing it to burst through me. If it did I would start yelling at Aaron, and god did I want to believe me, but I know that it won't solve anything.
He stood there as though he was proud of what he had done, "you're a quick study, I see you know why I am here."
I stared at him without blinking, I lifted my arm and pointed towards the window, "leave now," I ordered.
He turned serious once more, I couldn't focus on anything I was just so furious at his reason for being here and what he had been doing in my head. If I can't trust my own mind, what can I trust?
"I will leave, but I have to talk to you first, at least hear me out," he pleaded.
I don't want to, but I suppose at the end of this he at least can't say that I didn't listen. I took a deep breath and went to my place of calm and thought only thoughts of Matthew. I was now calm and open.
He seemed to notice my sudden change in mood, "thank you," he said as he came and sat beside me and looked deep into my eyes. "I know you don't want to hear this, but you shouldn't be with Matthew. It is not only against the rules, but it's not natural. You should be with a human, not a devil. He will hurt you mark my words, he has come close to it before and it's only a matter of time before your words and your actions aren't enough to fight him off," he said knowingly, full of wisdom.
He had such an unfair advantage, he had been peeping in on my life and my thoughts and even my dreams. Matthew may have lost control once, but I know that he would never truly hurt me. He is in even more control now than he ever was, I know that.
"He is evil, a monster cursed to walk this earth and devour souls, and he always will be there is nothing that you can do to change that," he persisted.
He is not evil god damn it was I the only one that could see the truth? Change him? Who said I wanted to change him, I said I wanted to be with him forever and be like him. Maybe Aaron fears who I am becoming, and how much the darkness tempts me so. He doesn't only want to save me from Matthew, he wants to save me from myself. Whether I choose the light or I choose the darkness that is my choice, and when I decide what way I will go it will my choice and mine alone.
"Your soul is not only a temptation for him, but for his family as well and one of them has already tried to kill you."
She did that out of jealousy, she hadn't lost control if anything she was in complete control and that has been dealt with.
"You are repeatedly putting yourself in danger, he is repeatedly putting you in danger knowingly. He is too selfish to leave you, but he will leave if you ask him to. You can't have a normal life with him, like the life you wish for your sister. Don't you want that life too? Don't you see why you don't want her to have a part in this world? It's because you know humans don't belong there deep down and that is another reason you want to be a devil, so that you truly belong in that world. You don't want to just dip a toe in it and be the one who doesn't belong. But let me tell you, you can't have it both ways you belong in one world or the other. You can't keep your life, your family, or your friends if you choose to become a devil. Is it worth what you will lose? I mean don't you want a family of your own one day, kids of your own?" he asked questioning my future.
Kids? I haven't even thought about kids. Why would I I'm only eighteen for crying out loud, and anyway I decided not to change unless I knew I could become a devil and take on the life that comes with that choice. I may never make that choice, but I see that he is here to ensure that I never make it. And who is he to say what I can and can't have no matter the choice that make, if I choose to stay human I can still have Matthew and be a part of this world a fragile part but apart none the less. And if I choose to become a devil I won't lose my friends and family, my life will be different but I will hold on to those I treasure with dear life.
"You are too young to be throwing your life away like this, you are better than that and you know that Daniel wouldn't want you to," he said sharply.
"My brother? How dare you bring Daniel into this? He would be happy that I have found someone that I love more than life itself. He would be glad that I found someone that makes me happy, someone who has made me feel like life is worth living again," I shouted, knowing that every word I said was true and Aaron knew this.
He grunted.
What he was saying to me were just words, empty words.
"My point is proven in your words, he is unhealthy for you he makes you feel like you need him, that you can't live without him." His face fell into his hands, he firmly ran his hand through his hair before turning back to face me.
He was wrong and I am going to show him just how wrong.
"I do need him, and I can't live without him, I don't feel safe without him." A tear almost escaped my eye as little flashbacks of all the times Matthew saved me, comforted me. I wasn't going to give Aaron the satisfaction of seeing me cry. It would make him think that he was getting through to me, which wasn't the case.
I watched as he clenched his fists, I saw his jaw tighten and his eyes narrow down into slits in frustration. I could tell that not only was he rubbing me the wrong way, but I was rubbing him the wrong way. Then something clicked inside me, something I didn't think of because he kept talking at me.
"Wait, why didn't you help me? A bear almost mauled me to death, I almost drowned in the ocean and I almost died from a stabbing wound and I almost drowned in the bath. Where were you when all these things were happening to me?"
All the twists and kinks that were in his face and his body slowly began to fade, he was hurt by my sudden outburst.
"I am not proud of this, but I was trying to get you killed. The way things were going it looked as if he was going to kill you or possibly make you one of them and I wasn't going to let him change your destiny. Better you die and become what you were truly meant to be, than be turned into one of them. You would have become a child of the night, when you are supposed to be a being of light. But, he seemed to save you just in time every single time. Then the other night Summer saw me and she is just a little girl I couldn't let her watch me kill her big sister. So, I stopped my attempts and tried to get through to you in other ways," he trailed off.
"You tried to kill me?" I almost shouted. Now everything with the bear made sense I knew bears didn't roam in Wales. For once I wasn't the one sabotaging myself and it had nothing to do with luck, it was my own guardian angel trying to kill me. I guess if I think about it like that, it is just my luck that my own guardian angel who is meant to protect me tried to end my life.
"It was for your own good...."
I cut him off, "my own good, that shouldn't be a choice that you get to make. It may be your duty to look over me but it's not your duty to control my life. I can possibly understand putting thoughts into my head so that I can see both sides. But, at the end of the day it's my choice. Whatever happened to free will?"
"Some things are best not left to chance, you are destined to do so much good in the world."
"Maybe I don't want to follow a destiny that has been mapped out for me, did you ever think about that?" I threw back. "Look, before Matthew came along I was lost in the abyss, I didn't feel like life was worth living. He saved me, he gave me my life back and more."
"You were grieving just like every human does, you would have moved on yourself eventually, you would have learned to live with it all by yourself and I would have been there to ensure that."
How could he possibly know that?
"If your brother hadn't died, you would never have moved here, you would never have met him and you wouldn't feel this way."
"But he did," I spoke with such a force that I actually scared myself in that split second. I couldn't believe that I was shouting, good thing my parents aren't home. I just feel so angry and upset right now and more than that I feel betrayed. Tears began to roll down my face, I wish my brother was here, but I wouldn't change anything that has happened since his death. Because if there was anything that Aaron was right about, it was that if we hadn't moved here I would never have met Matthew.
I watched as he slowly unclenched his fists again and loosened his jaw, his lips slowly parted as he took in some fresh oxygen before continuing on again, but this time with a softer tone.
"I am sorry that I am upsetting you, but there is no other way and there is no time," he looked saddened by his own words.
"What do you mean there is no time?"
"You will be found out by Satan eventually and god only knows what he will do with you, with the both of you," he sighed.
I worry about this frequently, I don't tell Matthew I don't want to worry him because I know that worrying won't change anything and that we will deal with it when it happens together like we face everything else.
"You could meet a regular guy, have kids, have a normal life and not live in fear of what might happen and what you must face next. You could feel more independent and not feel as if you need to rely on him all the time. It's not healthy to feel that way, it's like your addicted to him. Eventually you will need to give up everything to be with him. How can you think of doing this to your family, is it not enough that they have already lost a son?" he moaned.
"Look, I have listened to you and I am still not leaving Matthew, if you want to split us up you're going to have to kill us both." Again, as I spoke these words I knew they were true instantly.
He shuddered, "you don't mean that."
I stared him right in the eye, up close and personal, "yes, I do."
He stood up and turned away, "I wish I could change your mind, I should have come sooner, your bond is too strong now."
"It wouldn't have mattered when you came as soon as I laid eyes on Matthew I knew that I loved him," I said strongly. It was like I was born to love him, and I won't let anyone tell me any different. Not Aaron, not anyone.
He looked hurt and disappointed, his eyes were moist and his lips were trembling, his whole body was shaking.
"Well, you can't say that I didn't try and save you," he said as he ran his hand through his blonde locks once more. But, this time it seemed looser, more fragile as if he pulled too hard it would just fall out in clumps.
I sighed, "as I've already told you I don't need saving."
"I will still try to protect you, but you are now on your own with this one."
I watched his eyes well up at his very words, still he continued, "good bye Marissa, may we meet again."
And with that he disappeared, it felt like he had taken a layer of me with him, maybe it was because I had never noticed his presence before. In all fairness, I didn't know angels existed until six months ago and I didn't know they were guardian angels or that I had one until today. I can't explain it, but I feel a bond with him and I do hope that we meet again. I just hope that next time it's under better circumstances. He may have tried to kill me on multiple occasions, but he was just trying to do his version of the right thing. I'm still angry at him because I don't want to die anymore, I want to live. It's my life and should be my choice whether I live or die and whatever comes in-between.