The song for this chapter is Let Her Go, by Passenger,you might not want listen to it by mid-chapter...
CHAPTER 18 - LET HER GO
TARA'S POV
We all laughed as Zach imitated his coach by gruffly ordering some soccer scheme. I've seen the man, and the portrait was truly identical. However it wasn't really about that. It was the whole night, all of us enjoying a beautiful family dinner altogether, laughing and bantering and chatting ... it was wonderful. The sole trouble was, one member of our crew had been replaced for the night.
Lukas and I used to do this a lot, actually, it's a family tradition for us, every Friday we went to eat pizza altogether, we spent the time of our lives; many couples complain that with kids it's difficult to go out at night, and it may be true, but not entirely for us.
We used to do a lot of family stuff, starting from summer trips, Christmas somewhere nice ... any time off we got, it was spent with the family. Sure, we did reserve time for us two alone, but the holidays with the whole family are engrained in my mind.
It wasn't always easy, you know with kids and all, and it got kind of messy when we spent summers with the whole group, our friends and their kids, I mean, but ... I loved it. It all got lost ever since Lukas and I started falling apart.
We couldn't spend a single holiday without fighting, so in the end we gave up on the trips with our friends, and then to the rest. It just ... went all down bit by bit. Do I regret it? Definitely. Do I miss it? Hell, yeah. I do miss the man my husband used to be, but ... that doesn't mean I'm willing to bow my neck to the executioner once again. I've learnt from my mistakes.
I may have my faults, I know I do, but that doesn't mean I can forgive Lukas. It's not one single episode, it's a whole load of shit he's put me through, his latest stunt today was only the last straw.
My heart may not be entirely over him, but I am. It's over, case closed. Be it only for a matter of dignity, I won't let that jackass maneuver me like that anymore, I'm moving on. Gradually, but I am. I just need him to quit being such an immature jerk, and free me from this failure that is our marriage.
However, there was no room for sad thoughts tonight, I was having too much fun. I think I haven't been laughing with such gusto since years.
Surprisingly, Aaron fitted in pretty well. The kids don't know him that much, yet they seemed to love him already, even Nicky seemed somewhat fascinated, and that's all saying, because she hates everything and everyone these days. She'd sound like her mom in her early 20s, wasn't it for the stained record.
My daughter isn't at all the goody-two-shoes I was at her age, if anything, she's proudly the bad boy's daughter. Sometimes I think she's willingly doing a repeat of her father's crap back in the day.
I try to manage as much as I can, but dealing with such a rebellious daughter isn't at all easy, especially not when it's just me. It would be doable if Nicky's new personality were all to be blamed on what Lukas did, but ... it's not. I'm afraid that was just what triggered it.
Either way, Nicky the Hater was seemingly liking my friend, so I guess that was a victory for me. I hope she – as much as her siblings – will also like Jeremy or whoever I'll replace their dad with when the time comes.
When the time comes is a quite vague phrase, because ... I think I should take my time first, not dive in a new relationship that soon. That's why I'm so reluctant with Jeremy. I mean, first, I'm still in the middle of the divorce, second, my heart needs to adjust to the absence of a specific person. I'm not the type of woman that fights fire with fire, I can't dive in a new relationship when I'm still scorched by the old one ... I've learnt that.
Gazing at Aaron right now as he laughed and played with my children, the way his smile lit up every time, the way he seemed to be hitting it off so well even with Nicky as they talked about the movies he's done screenplay for, the way they were all captured by him, it made me smile, yet ... regret as well.
Not him as my boyfriend, it made me regret the way I spoiled us. I dived in a relationship with him too soon, when I still wasn't over Jason, and we all know how that went. I won't make the same mistake again.
I need some time on my own, to cleanse my heart of the toxic residuals Lukas left, only then I will be able to start over for real.
***
"Thank you." I voiced in a sigh, once the kids had stepped off the car, trudging inside the house, Nicky carrying Zach in her arms, seeing as he'd fallen asleep in the car. I let them go ahead just so I'd get a couple of moments alone with my friend, for this exact purpose. "I really needed this."
Aaron offered me one of his charming smiles, hands on the steering wheel. "Anytime, princess, you know that."
I smiled, biting my lip. "You're never gonna stop calling me that, are you?"
He chuckled, shaking his head. "You're my Guinevere, remember?"
"She became queen, though."
"She became Arthur's queen." He stared blank ahead, his features clouding over with regrets. "That's what killed Lancelot."
I placed my hand on his, not sure why. "But she never forgot him. She might have been Arthur's, but Lancelot was always a huge and important part of her life."
Aaron cracked a small smile, yet not removing his hand. "I think you're confusing the epic poems with the TV show, princess. It's in Merlin that she marries Arthur but never forgets Lancelot. In the poems Arthur is the villain, not the charming hero that gets the girl."
"Arthur wasn't always a hero."
"He was for her. Television her, at least."
I shook my head. "You're a writer, read between the lines."
Aaron turned to look at me, his green eyes as intensely lit as ever. I think there was some sort of ... faster beat in my heart, but that was easily explained. Aaron's bright green eyes have always been my weak spot when we were together, which is funny if you consider I've always had a soft spot for blue eyes.
He smiled faintly, lowering his gaze. "Writers are writers because they like to choose daydreams over reality, princess." He retrieved his hand, and restarted the engine. "Especially when that reality rips their heart to pieces."
"Aaron ..." I tried to reach out, but he shook his head, offering me a bittersweet smile.
"Let's not go there, Tara."
"I'm not ..."
"You need a friend throughout this storm, and I'm right here." He sighed, gripping the steering wheel. "But you should know, when a heart remains loyal even throughout the years, it's bound to get fragile."
"Aaron, I'm not ... we're ..."
"I'm just saying ..." he swallowed, "if you need to cry, I'll be your pillow, if you need to laugh, I'll be your clown, Tara, I'll be whatever you need, but ... just know that, we writers have this bad habit, we tend to give too much meaning to words."
I bit my lip, nodding. I guess that, in the end, no matter how friends we are, there's still the shadow of our past to separate us. The way we pulled apart, the reasons why it didn't work between us, all the unspoken words from my part, the different timing. Everything, everything that broke us will always be there, lain thick and thin before our eyes, to keep us chained to this resemblance of what we had before.
I mean, Aaron and I, before dating, we were friends. Good friends. Sometimes I think we shouldn't have even tried to date, or at least not that soon. Maybe then it would have been easier.
Or maybe I'm just thinking this because, had things with Aaron worked, I'd have never gotten involved with Lukas. Maybe I just ... regret losing Aaron because then I found Lukas and all that pain awaiting me.
Clearing my throat, I opened the car door. "Well, um ... I better go inside, before they think I fled."
Aaron smiled faintly, nodding. "Goodnight, princess."
I stepped off, but before leaving, I leaned against the window, which he rolled down. I offered him a small smile. "Just so you know, Aaron, I regret our break up 20 years ago as much as you do."
"Hardly."
"No, I mean it." I bit my lip. "Sometimes I think, my heart would have been much safer with you."
He smiled bitterly. "That's the problem, princess. Your heart was never with me." He sighed, turning to gaze ahead. "But mine never left you." And just like that, Aaron left.
The one thing he never realized was that, back in the day, I really did want to love him. I just wasn't able to. As I watched him leave, however, I wondered, does it have to be forever?
***
LUKAS' POV
"Give her space." She stated firmly.
I snorted. "You gotta be kidding me!" I nearly threw my fork in the air. "It's been over two months! If I give her more space she's gonna finalize that damn divorce, and I'll lose her!" I sounded desperate, I know I did, because I was, I am, damnit.
I am desperate. For one of the first times in my life I am clueless as to what do to. I have no idea how to win my wife and my kids back, I don't have the slightest clue on how to get my family back. That's why I called in the big shots ... how would I know even my best friend wouldn't be of any help?
Corinne sighed, calmly picking at her food. "Luke, I love you, but you fucked up big time, babe. She needs to get over it first."
"It's been three years."
"Three years of nasty fights and immature vengeances." She gave me a pointed look. "You can't expect her to just forget about all the shit you put her through, and run back into your arms."
I snorted, losing appetite. So much for having a peaceful dinner with my best friend. When Corinne said she'd come over, and we'd have dinner, I thought she'd be more supportive. "You talk as if it were just me. You know it wasn't. She's made her fair share of mistakes."
"Did she screw your neighbor in front of your 13-years-old daughter?"
I sent her a dirty look. "You're manipulating that part. Nicky caught me, but it was supposed to be her mother."
Corinne snorted, swallowing another bite of her food. "As if that were any different."
I rolled my eyes. "Say, whose side are you on?"
She laughed. "Babe, you ask me the same question every time you screw up." She took a sip of her wine, even too nonchalantly. "I'm on your side, Luke, you know that, but what friend would I be if I didn't point out how wrong you are?"
I sighed, leaning back against my chair. I see I'm not going anywhere here. "Alright, yes, I fucked it all up. Happy? I had the most perfect marriage, and I fucked it all up because I'm a hopelessly stupid screw-up. Is that what you wanna hear?"
Corinne put down her glass, always so calm that it was seriously annoying. "You admit it, that's a start."
I groaned, frustrated. "Are you serious?!"
She sighed. I think she rubbed off on my wife even too much, they got the same irking habits. Corinne left her elbow on the table, her hand up. "Let's count the amount of shit you did, shall we?" She held her fingers up. "One, you kissed her assistant in her office. Two, you nearly screwed one of her closest friends on her own sofa. Three, you flirted with any woman that was nearly decent right in front of her – don't make that face, yes, Tara told me –, four, you reversed all your frustrations on her-"
"That's not true." I argued meekly, annoyed that she would be right in counting my mistakes. Damnit, I know what I did, I know I was awful, I don't need to be reminded.
Corinne rolled her eyes. "Seriously, Luke? How many times did you snap at her when your job got too pressing? How many times did you fight with her merely because you felt too overwhelmed?"
"She did the same. It was ... it was a thing between us. We were each other's safe valve."
"That doesn't excuse your aggressiveness."
I frowned. "I was never aggressive with her, we fought and I yelled, yes, but-"
"Yelling is being aggressive."
I rolled my eyes. "Why do you keep count of my mistakes but not hers? It's not like Tara is such an innocent lamb. I've swallowed more dirt than you'd imagine when she was frustrated."
Corinne snorted, obvious. I wonder why do I even bother having these dinners with her to talk, she's always on my wife's side, no matter what. "Just because she did wrong, doesn't mean you're right. Just because she made mistakes, doesn't mean yours are any lighter, Lukas."
"I know that, but-"
"We left at four, right? I can keep counting. Do you seriously need me to remind you of all the shit you put your wife through?"
I sighed, shaking my head. The last thing I need is to be reminded of how much of a jackass I've been. I guess I see why would Tara feel betrayed.
I've always thought, what's wrong about flirting? It's not like I'm actually cheating. And what's a kiss? I'm not going further, so why bother?
I always thought, it's not cheating until I do the deed. Stupid, I know. Also because, if I had to think of my wife with another man, even just a kiss, even only flirting, it would anger me. I always thought it was because I'm a jealous ass, that's why, but it's not, it's just ... how it is.
Of course it would bother me that she hugged her ex, of course it would bother me that this guy at the movie theatre flirted with her while I was right there, of course it bothered me that she amiably talked with Jason while I was right there holding her, of course it would bother me that she works in an environment filled with men that hang on every word she says, of course it would bother me ... because that's how it's supposed to go.
When you marry out of your league, you obviously get bothered at the slightest chance you'll lose her.
I've always been so damn jealous of anyone that got close to her. And you know why? Because, deep down, I've always known my dad was right. I've never deserved Tara. Never. She's always been way more than I, way out of my league, if I've done anything, was weigh her down. In the end, she demeaned herself by choosing me.
I've always been so damn afraid of losing her, that I overdid, in everything. Starting from all that romanticism in the beginning, to the grand gestures, and, sadly, I was grand in my mistakes as well.
I've lived a life that wasn't mine, let's be honest. I like to think we were meant to be together, but what if it's not true? What if I only forced my wife to lower her chances? Tara is way more than you'd ever imagine, way more than I could ever afford, and with me, she basically made do.
It's not about self consciousness, it's not about not valuing myself enough, trust me, I've never had such issues. It's more about ... acknowledgement.
I'm not biased when I say this, Tara is the most amazing woman you'll ever meet. She made herself, she didn't me nor anyone else to be there as she built up herself, I was a mere spectator, like a ... fan watching his idol become better and better every day. I might have pushed her, but in the end it was her, all her. I merely gave her the firecracker, it was her to start the flames, and I love her more exactly for this, I won't deny.
Tara is strong, a badass, way more than she's even been. You see many 40-years-old women that just got divorced be there, confused and lost, because they don't know what's life without a partner, in some cases it's even about the husband having to provide for them, while, Tara ...
Tara doesn't need me. She's determined, opinionated, she has her own beliefs and ideals, and she doesn't fear them. She's not lost because we're divorcing, she's stronger than ever exactly because she left me.
Divorce is only gonna strengthen her, I know that, and, honestly, it scares me. I ... I'm afraid she'll discover how truly better off she is without me. And if she does, how am I supposed to win her back? How can I crawl back into her heart, when it's so evident that her heart is better off now that I'm not in there anymore?
I keep thinking, why should I even try? The only one that's gonna benefit from another chance she might ever give me is me. I'm the only one that would benefit from us getting back together, my heart is the sole one that's still yearning for her, but is it really worth it? Shouldn't I acknowledge I've failed her and just ...let her go?
I know she is better off without me. I'm just afraid she'll find out, too. When she does, no matter how much I beg for a chance, she won't even spare me a glance, because she'll be ... over me.
Damnit, I'm scared, alright? I ... I'm frightened. Because she's leaving me behind, I'm just the selfish jackass that weighed her down, I'm the moronic bastard that betrayed her, hurt her, why should she still love me?
I'm frightened, because I love her like day one, and I have all the reasons to, but ... no matter how hard I try, I cannot find a single reason to give for her to love me again.
"Okay, fine. I've been an awful husband these past years, but ..." I bit my lip. Some things, not even to Corinne can I voice them. Some things are meant for my wife's ears only. Because they're too deep, too deeply rooted in this soul of mine, and ... when it's about the soul, only a soul mate can understand.
I've never stopped believing Tara was my one and only, my soul mate, my kindred spirit, however you wanna call it. I've never stopped believing we were meant to be together, even though I'm doubting it now. I just ... forgot how to value her, I forgot that she's not me, she's not gonna stay no matter what.
I would have stayed. Hadn't she thrown me out, hadn't she filed in divorce, I would have stayed, no matter how much it hurt, how down we were spiraling, I would have stayed. Because, losing her, I lose myself.
The more time without her and our children passes, the more I lose myself. I'm the one that's lost and confused because of divorce, I'm the one that doesn't have the slightest clue on how to start over, while she, she's already moving on, she's already leaving me behind.
"The point is, I know I've been a dipshit, alright?" I admitted. "Just ..." I bit my lip, conscious that my weaknesses were seeping through, and I ought to rein them in. Rationally, it's the fact that I've started talking to that therapist, that's why I'm more in contact with my emotions and more ... vulnerable, but ... that's not all of it.
If I'm so vulnerable now, if I'm just one mere inch away from uprooting the lid that keeps my worst nightmares tucked deep within me, it's only because Tara is not there to keep me far from it. If I'm becoming a pathetic tangle of emotions, it's only because Tara isn't there to save me from myself. If I made it this far, keeping myself afloat without too many troubles, managing to be happy even despite everything, it's only because of Tara.
And now that I'm losing her, I ... I feel vulnerable. It's more than about losing the better part of me, it's about losing my whole life.
"Luke ..." Corinne reached for my hand, and squeezed it.
I looked up to meet her eyes, not even bothering to hide the hurt in mine. What for? It's not like she doesn't know how much all of this is paining me. I'm the one jackass that took the most perfect marriage, and turned into a ruthless war. I'm the one jackass that managed to lose the most loyal heart. Kudos to me.
I've let anger and frustration blind me, I was so mad at her, so hurt, that I did what I do best, I reacted accordingly, consequently screwing up big time.
I wanted her tears. I wanted her down to her knees, I wanted her broken, because she'd broken me.
Now look at the result, I'm a pathetic cry baby that's not even able to get it together and fight for the love of his life.
The biggest mistake I ever made was leave even Tara out of my most hidden troubles. I think that, in the end, this was bound to happen. As my therapist says, I've left my Pandora's box brimming for too long, all those pent up, locked emotions were only bound to blow up in my face at some point.
I wanna think it's not my fault, I just learned from my dad that men don't cry, that men are supposed to bite back every pain and keep going, real men are tough no matter what, they suck it up and move on. How was I supposed to know, back then, that it was the most idiotic bullshit I could have ever believed in?
I morphed myself following that idea, I locked every emotion out, and acted on pure selfishness. It worked. I was fine. It worked perfectly. Until ... I fell in love.
I never took care of such issues, I left them there, boiling, waiting to tear me apart, and, finally, they did. The problem is, I brought Tara down with me.
In the end she might be even right in not wanting to leave our kids alone with me. I've got anger management issues, haven't I? So how can I know I won't do what she thinks, blow up at the unexpected and hurt my own flesh and blood?
I squeezed Corinne's hand, defeated. "I should just let her go." I mumbled. "I should just ... let her move on. She's better off without me, isn't she?"
"Luke ..."
"Come on, Cor, you believe that too, don't you?"
She bit her lip, denying, but I read uncertainty in her eyes. So there's the proof, isn't it? My own best friend thinks I'm not enough for my wife. She's right after all, how can I blame her for thinking it when it's the absolute truth?
My friend stood, and came to sit beside me, pulling me in a sweet hug of hers that used to always make me feel better. "I just think you're upset, babe. You're hurting, and you're not quite sure how to deal with it." She rubbed my scalp soothingly, the same as she did when we were young, and she never quit. I love that.
"You've spent 18 years of your life with Tara, and you were certain it'd last, so now that you're apart from her, you feel like you can't cope."
"That doesn't answer my question, Cor." I looked up, needing to hear it from her lips. "Do you think she's better off without me?"
Corinne sighed, closing her eyes for a moment. "I think Tara is better off without the man you've been these past three years." Her eyes focused on mine, her features dead serious. "I think the key to win your wife and kids back is ... time."
"Time?"
"Time." Corinne sighed, shaking her head as she pulled back. "Take time for yourself, Lukas. Take the time you need to heal yourself. Only then you'll be able to face a full battle without slipping up. Only then you'll be able to be the husband and the father your wife and kids need and deserve."
***
My heart thumping in my chest, a nauseating pain making me sick to my gut, I lifted my hand in the air, and knocked. I counted the seconds it would take her to go from the living room to the front door, trying to distract my mind from what I was about to do, trying to make sense out of this insane gesture.
I have to do this. I don't have the certainty it'll get better, but I have to do this. Corinne is right. She wouldn't want me to do exactly this, but ... I think it's for the best.
When the door opened, I held in my breaths. But the coldness of my wife's gaze as soon as her brown eyes settled on me was enough for one more crack in my heart to deafeningly bleed me out.
"What?" Tara crossed her arms, expectantly.
I didn't even speak, unable to, just ... handed her the papers.
She arched an eyebrow, taking them reluctantly. "What ..."
"I signed them." I explained, my voice choked up as I tried to imprint in my mind this last sight of her, no matter how in disarray she was. "I ... I signed the papers. Spoke to the lawyers." I sucked in a breath, feeling I could truly fall apart, physically, right now, for how excruciatingly my heart was agonizing.
"You're free, Tara." I stated. "You ... starting from tonight we're officially divorced. I ... I'm out of your life."
"You ... are you serious?" she asked, marveled, though not showing any other emotion but that.
I nodded in a sigh, tucking my hands in my pockets in order to resist from claiming one last kiss. "I also settled every issue. You have ..." I bit my lip as I heard the weakness in my voice, afraid she'd spot it, too. "It's all in the papers. You have ... you have full custody."
"But ..."
"I just ... need a few moments with them, can I?"
"Lukas ..."
I shook my head. "Just call the kids, Tara. Nothing more." I went to rest against the porch as she went back in, calling for our children. Just ... a bit more. I only need to hold on a bit more.
"Daddy!" Zach called, running in my arms, and I seized him, kissing his cheek with a small smile. Timidly behind, there was my 13-years-old daughter, Gloria, not much convinced, while at the door, Nicky stood with her mom, reluctantly, clearly having been dragged downstairs against her will. Tara gazed at me worriedly, probably sensing my reasons to want them all here, but she'd never read behind my eyes how much this is really costing me.
With Zach in my arms, I reached Gloria, and the moment I looked behind, I saw Tara leaving, closing the door behind her in order to force Nicky to remain. My daughter hates me that much apparently.
Taking a deep breath, I blurted all the words out: "As you may know, your mom and I have been ... apart these months. Starting from tonight, however, we are ... officially, lawfully, divorced." The sole fact that I spotted relief in Nicky's eyes was like being stabbed right through my ribs. I resisted nevertheless. Must be the valium I took right before coming here.
"I ... I'm leaving for a while, so um ... I'm here to say goodbye." I would have sworn I heard a gasp from the inside, clear sign Tara was listening in, but I was more focused on Zach bombarding me with questions about why and when and how ... while the other two stood there, seemingly unfazed.
"It's a short period, I promise, buddy." I tried to mend, forcing strength into my voice. "And ... you can call me, alright? Actually, I'll call you, okay? I promise." Nope, he didn't agree. What took me off guard, however, was Gloria nearly tripping to come jump in my arms, squeezing me in a loving hug I'll admit I missed.
"Is it because I didn't want to speak to you?" She cried. "I-I was just mad! Don't go, dad, please!"
I'm not made of steel, damnit. I can't just be impassive while my kids beg me not to go. Yet I had to. For their own good. Like Corinne said, I need to heal myself before being able to be the father they need and deserve. I don't think I'd make much of a progress here, where I can always see them, when I'm surrounded by responsibilities and stress and ... everything.
"I only took a sabbatical year at the clinic, Bunny, it's not going to be more than a year, I promise." I tried to pacify. I heard the slamming of a door, and watched Nicky leave, without a word, and I saw myself at her age, when my dad came home for a weekend, and I blew him off, spoiling once for all every chance at a civil father-son relationship between us.
Part of me would have wanted to chase her, but ... what for? She hates me. She's got to a point where she probably feels happy I'm leaving. I just hope I'll be able to patch up our bond when the time comes.
Kissing Gloria's temple, I put down Zach, and hugged them both one last time, despite them not wanting to let go. Neither would I, but you know how it is, you only know you love them when you let them go ... so you let them go.
It wasn't easy, but we did part, with so many tears from their part that I started feeling sick for real, and I questioned my decision, but I had to hold on to it. For their and my own good.
However, as I went back to my hotel room, I released all the sorrow I'd been reining in until now.
Men don't cry my ass, dad. Men do cry. Men cry their fucking hearts out when they lose the one woman they've ever loved. Men cry out loud when they get rejected by their own flesh and blood countless times. Men cry when they have to leave all they've ever loved.
And I did, alright? My old man will probably be disappointed in me even more, but I cried my fucking heart out. For the second time ever in my life, I bawled my pain out, highly hoping it would serve to something, be it only easen the tight vice on my heart.
When, a year from now, I'll come back, I'll be a renewed man. Hopefully it won't be too late.