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Perfect people aren't real, and real people aren't perfect.
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Sighing, I locked my phone and flipped it over so I couldn't see the screen. My heart was lying heavily in my chest.
Ever since my date with Sam several days ago I regretted that I'd told anyone about him, because now people would ask questions. Questions that I didn't have the heart to answer truthfully. So, I avoided them and deflected whenever the topic would arise.
That day I'd last seen him I made a decision that was best for everyone included. I made up my mind about dating him. I came to the conclusion that it'd be best not to see him again. Anxious or not, I was too complicated for him. I didn't want to pull him into all of my drama. Not to mention that after I'd eventually open up to him at a later date in our hypothetical relationship he'd regret ever meeting me.
It was unfair of me to show him something, to show him myself, and make him realize what he really signed up for. It wasn't fair to him that he'd only get me. Sam needed someone as easy going and laid back as himself, not someone who's list of flaws was so long you couldn't count it on both hands. Opposites attract my ass.
To put it simply, I wasn't the right girl for him. And maybe I wasn't the right girl for anyone. And that was okay. I could accept the fact that I would only ever be the good friend with no boyfriend. It was okay. Really, it was.
"Bee?"
My head jerked upwards. "Hmm?"
"It's your turn."
I cleared my throat. "Right." A hint of worry was in his eyes as he looked at me. Quickly, I zeroed in on the passage I was meant to read. Most of my free time was spend at Ryan's place these days to read the book for literature. The remaining spare time was mostly devoted to me, myself and I.... And sometimes the team.
There were fewer and fewer disputes I had to attend to with every day passing. They'd won every single game as of now. I wouldn't say everything was going smoothly, but they'd definitely improved their game and strengthened their team bond. Besides, I doubted it was possible for it to go smoothly between all team members. Each and every single one of them were so completely different to one another. I was afraid there would always be a kind of dislike between some of them. But there would always be people we liked and some others we didn't so it was only normal. A natural reaction to things.
I raised my head after I ended my last line and he didn't start reading. He was looking at me from across the room. "Ryan?"
No answer spilled from his lips instead he tilted his head to the side and kept watching me. I frowned under the stare of his green orbs. I had to admit that I was a little concerned about him. I'd noticed the dark spots under his eyes before, but they particularly stood out today. I'd asked him of course how he was feeling and if he wanted to talk about it. The only answer he'd given me was that he'd-quite apparently-had a rough night.
I, suddenly, realized his gaze had slipped off to the side for some time now. With a dry throat and furrowed brows etched into my skin, I made my way over to his sitting position on his king sized bed. He shot me a quick glance when I sat down beside him before resuming to look at the wall.
"Hey," I said softly and bumped my shoulder gently with his. "Is something the matter?" This time he locked gazes with me. He seemed hesitant to reply. "You can tell me, remember?"
He gave me the smallest of smiles before taking my right hand, that'd been lying in my lap till now, into his. Immediately, my fingers were enveloped in his warmth. He sighed heavily and I felt sick to my stomach with worry. "How about we take a break?" I suggested. "You look like you could need a nap."
He laughed humorlessly. It was a strange sound that chilled me to the very bone. I didn't like this side of him in the slightest. So very frustrated and desperate at once.
"What, did I keep you up all night when I invaded your dreams last night?" I tried to lighten the mood with a joke.
The corners of his lips curved upwards. "Oh, Peanut," he began before reaching out and brushing a strand of hair out of my face. "You have no idea," he whispered firmly.
I perked up at the endearment. "Why call me Peanut?"
This time he gave me a genuine smile as he trailed his fingers down the side of my face. Goose bumps broke out over my skin as his touches made me shiver. He held my chin in a loose grip as he answered me,"I know how much you love peanut butter."
A grin tucked at my lips. "So, what should I be calling you then, Cookie? Since you are so in love with my Chocolate Chip Cookies."
A sincere smile again. His gaze shifted from my eyes and over my other features. "I'd like that," he replied softly.
After a while he transferred his hand back to mine. Looking at our interlocked hands he spoke up again. "So, you went out on a date. Your first date."
All my words together with my breath got locked in my throat for a second. My heartbeat sped up. "Yeah, let's not talk about that."
He tightened his grip on my hand and gazed up at me with a glint of desperation. "Bee, please." He looked like he needed some distraction from his demons and who was I to detain him from that. Having no desire to talk about it or not, a friend needed me and maybe my drama could take his mind off his own.
I sighed. "Okay." Now, I was the one to look away. I ran my palms down the fabric covering my thighs. I wouldn't give him any details about my feelings towards the topic. Neither would I tell him that I'd indeed gone on two dates already. "What do you want to know?"
"What was it like?" I could feel him staring at the side of my face.
I shrugged halfheartedly. "It was... Perfect."
"What? Then why would you-"
"Because it was too perfect. Because he is too perfect for me." He was silent for some time.
"I'm gonna tell you something you probably can't stand to hear." I turned my head in his direction. "I'm pretty sure it's the other way around. And just so you know, there's nothing and nobody in the world that is perfect." He gave me a pointed look. "You just have to find somebody with the right kind of imperfection for you. Maybe he is imperfect in a way that isn't meant for you. That is very much a possibility, but I refuse to believe that he is too perfect for you.
"Perfection is not something you can achieve. However much you try to find it you won't get there, because it doesn't exist. Perfection is something society came up with long ago. They fooled everyone into believing it is attainable if you just fight hard enough to reach it when it doesn't even exist. Really perfection is only just impossibility."
I stared at him for a second, too stunned to form words. Then, slowly, I leaned into him and put my head on his shoulder in silent thanks. I couldn't fathom how he always said the right things at times like these.
Not expecting my reaction, he tensed slightly before he draped his arm around me. Maybe he went through issues of perfection before to have figured this much out. Or it was just common sense to him. Either way he couldn't have come up with that on the spot, leading me to believe that he'd thought about the topic thoroughly at some point in his life.
Our little bubble of comfort bursted when the sound of knocks wafted through the room. Sharply, we pulled away. The door didn't open however. "Just wanted to let you guys know that dinner is almost ready!"
"Thanks Rachel!" Ryan called out.
The sound of her retreating footsteps was barely heard against the carpeted floor in the hall.
"We still got a little time left," I said. "You want to keep reading?"
He groaned and fell back onto the bed.
"I take that as a no."
"That you are right about."
"Okay, how about we finish this page?" I bargained. He groaned once more, but agreed.
However, all throughout our reading session I couldn't help but think about his family. Time and time again I'd been wondering about his parents. I knew that he'd lost his dad when he was a child. But his mom was still a mystery to me. I could only hope that she was still alive and healthy.
After reading the last line I shut the book closed. "Ryan, can I ask you something?" I questioned tentatively. I'd been meaning to ask him this for some time now, but I didn't want to overstep any boundaries. Besides, I didn't have the guts to do so.
"Ask away," he answered without tearing his gaze away from the ceiling.
I bit my lip, hesitating for a second. "Why do you live with your uncle and aunt?" I asked softly.
He was silent for some time, making me wonder if I crossed a line. Unease curled up my spine.
Slowly, he sat up and planted his feet firmly on the floor. There was something about his expression that made me hold my breath and let it go at the same time. He let out a sigh and ran a hand through his hair. "I told you about dad." I nodded though he didn't say it as a question.
He was silent for some time.
And the silence almost broke my heart. "And your mom?" I asked gently, quietly. There was no need for me to tell him that it was okay if he didn't want to speak about it, he knew that much about me.
After a little while he looked over to me. I didn't know what to make of his expression. His features were set in stone, his eyes though, they betrayed him. They were filled to the brim with pain, longing and memories. Memories too hurtful to relive.
My heart clenched in my chest. I inched closer so our thighs were touching, silently supporting him. He seemed appreciative of the gesture.
He took a deep, shaky breath. "Until last year, Marcus and Rachel had been my legal guardians. They took me in when I was six." He took in a sharp breath. I placed my hand on his left thigh for reassurance. He relaxed a little under my touch. "They took me in after I'd lost both my parents. They took me in when I had no-one left." His head was bowed, his shoulders slumped like the story dragged him down.
I rested my chin on his shoulder, leaned my forehead against his temple and slung my arm across his back and over his shoulder. My heart clenched in my chest as he pressed a fist to his mouth and held onto the hand that was splayed across his collarbone. His grip was so tight like just holding onto me could save him from the darkness.
I was his lifeline.
I raised my head and placed a lingering kiss on his left temple. He sank into my touch and melted some of the broken pieces inside of me.
I couldn't tell him I was sorry. Not because it wasn't true, it was, but because it wouldn't make a difference for him. He was hurting one way or the other. Nothing I could say would make this better. The only thing I could do was be there for him, holding him. Being the one thing that he needed at the moment. Being his lifeline.
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Hey guys
How are you doing? What are your thoughts on this chappy? Also, can you believe I updated on schedule?!
I'm pretty nervous, since our concert is tomorrow and I'm gonna sing my first solo. Big step right there, big freaking step. Wish me luck!
Also back to Bex. That's Bee and Alex' shipname btw: Bex. Do you like it? So, I guess the Bex shippers are happy that Liz has decided to stop seeing Sam. But is that really the end of it? Also, Ryan's or actually kinda Alex' past was a little bit more revealed to Liz, since you already more or less knew. What do you think about her reaction to the revelation? Also, who wanted to give Ryan a hug? *raises hand* And, Peanut and Cookie, thoughts about their nicknames?
Please vote/comment?
Hugs and kisses
(an anxious)
Kathy