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CHAPTER 31
The room was quiet. It was an apprehensive quiet, the silence awaiting sound, the air carrying it awaiting movement, while I awaited Rose. Aside from her chest rising and falling with soft breaths, the room was still. Lori stood at the far wall, unmoving and unspeaking. She waited not alongside me rather along with me in that patient, profound quiet.
But Rose would wake up soon and she would break the silence. Or at least I hoped and prayed that she would. But my hope was great where my doubt was not, because I could feel her slowly awakening. In her hand which I held at this very moment, while I sat in a small plastic chair beside her bed, her fingers twitched every so often. Her eyes shifted under her eyelids, and her lips moved every once in a while as if she were dreaming.
Maybe I was overreacting, watching her with great care while she laid there. Because I knew that she just hadn't drank or eaten much the past few days, and Lori had informed me that this was the precise reason she had passed out. I hadn't noticed that she didn't eat at lunch, either, and I didn't see her for breakfast or dinner. So there weren't many ways to tell whether or not she had been eating. Apparently she hadn't been.
I had been too self-absorbed trying to sort lost thoughts to even ask how she was doing. This must have been difficult for her as well, I should've asked how she had been, I should've paid closer attention. There were a lot of things I should and shouldn't have done.
And due to my lack of care was a terrible premonition that when Rose awoke she wouldn't want me here. That she would cower back into her sheets and wince away from my touch. I wouldn't blame her, though. My outburst was uncalled for and it shouldn't have happened. But I wasn't in control, it wasn't me. Well, it was me, I wouldn't try to discard the blame, but I hadn't meant it. Something strange was entering my thoughts, something alien to my mind eased its way in. A surge of energy and impulse and all of the madness that was being kept inside me couldn't be sustained amidst my hazy state. So yes, it was my fault, but it was not in my control.
But seeing Rose's horrified face, seeing her sink to the floor and cry in fear at my expense, inflicted a kind of pain worse than a whipping or electroshock therapy. The mental pain was deeper than the psychical pain by a long shot. Because my body was strong and could take the pain where my mind could not.
But at least my actions had one good outcome. In my shock of what I had done it had come back. It started with just a simple feeling, a worry intertwined with a heavy guilt. And then it spread like food coloring in water. I remembered Rose's importance and I remembered why I was really here. A ghost of my old self was reminisced along with the grave fear of almost hurting Rose. Suddenly brought back to me was every feeling I had felt with her and with others. I remembered the emotions of pain and hatred and passion and love.
The shock pulled me out of my mind's quicksand, and finally the picture was clear. I felt myself again; just with more guilt.
A door opened, but I did not look toward it. "Hi, Grace," Lori spoke.
The second woman, Grace, had a voice that was small and whispery as if she were apprehensive to speak. "Hi," she said. I had met her minutes earlier so I didn't need to turn around to uncover the beholder behind the word. She was quite plain, looking as if she could be anywhere in her twenties or thirties. She had thin, flat blonde hair and a pale face. She was the new nurse's assistant who had come in Rose place, but was nothing compared to the beauty laying before me.
I heard a tray being set down one a counter or table, which meant that Grace succeeded in bringing us some food and water. Good, Rose will need that when she wakes up, which should be any minute now.
During those minutes we all waited. I because I was worried, and them because there wasn't much else to do.
There were only three any minutes later before Rose's eyes fluttered open. Before she looked anywhere else her eyes scrunched up and she pulled her hand away from mine to rub her eyelids. "Mmm," she groaned. Her big blue-green eyes opened fully and they went to Lori, then Grace, and then me.
I looked back at her and watched all my fears come to life as she moved her body away from me, as far as the bed would allow.
"How do you feel Rose?" Lori asked, going to her while Grace followed behind with the food. I moved my chair back and left them to do their work, out of the way.
"Alright," Rose answered. "A little light headed, that's all."
"Here, this will help," Lori told her, giving her a tiny bowl from the blue tray which Grace carried. Rose nodded and ate some of the unidentifiable meal, grimaced at the taste, but kept eating.
"What happened?" she asked between spoonfuls.
"You seem to have passed out in the cafeteria due to lack of nutrients and water. Have you been eating lately?"
Rose contemplated this for a moment. "I don't think I have been. I didn't mean to though, I just . . . with everything going on I just sort of . . . forgot, I guess." She spoke with confusion etched on her face, as if she didn't understand her own answer.
"Alright, well just make sure you finish this and that you eat regularly. I know the food here isn't very good, but you'll pass out again if you don't eat. I mean it, this is already the second time in two weeks."
I desperately wanted to speak, to say something, but I couldn't think of anything to say. At least not with Lori and Grace here.
My presence was hardly acknowledged for the next seven minutes as Lori spoke with Rose while she ate her food and drank her water. And I was kind of thankful that nobody asked me any questions or looked my way. But I wasn't totally left in the dark. Because every so often Rose would look to me for a moment and then quickly look elsewhere. Maybe she wanted to say something to me just as much as I did to her, the both of us refraining in the presence of company.
So to give her the chance I finally spoke once the tray of food was empty. "Lori?"
Everyone looked to me in moderate surprise like they had forgotten that I was there. "Yes?" She asked.
"Can Rose and I have a few minutes alone?"
Lori looked to her to ask for permission, but Rose looked back expressionless. Lori better say yes, she knows she can trust me.
"Sure," she said apprehensively and looked at Rose one last time. "Grace, come on."
Grace looked confused, probably wondering how Lori could trust two psychopaths to be alone in the nurse's office. But they still left the room either way. I didn't decide that it was safe to speak until the door clicked shut behind them, and even then I didn't say a word.
ROSE'S POV
We sat in silence, and I stared down at my lap while Harry did the same. I was tense and on edge because I wasn't sure of his mental state and had no idea if he would act out again. In those last few seconds before I blacked out I could remember the shock on his face, the worry and the confusion he had of his own actions. I could only hope that this meant he was aware of what he did. Maybe he was; maybe he was back. But I didn't allow myself to believe that again, I wanted to be sure before there was any false hope.
"I'm feeling much better," I said quietly, still not looking at him. "So I should probably go."
I wearily stood from the bed and so did Harry. "No," he said. "Wait, I just-"
"I'll see you tomorrow," I interrupted. I was tired and wanted to just lie down in my cell, I would talk to him later. I started to walk around the bed towards the door but he was next to me in a heartbeat.
"Rose, wait," he gently grabbed my arm and pulled me to him. I didn't protest but I didn't meet his eyes either. My back was to the cold wall and he was inches away so there weren't many other places to look apart from his neck, his arms, his chest. "Look at me please."
Finally I obliged and met his soft green eyes, faltering a little at their intensity. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm so fucking sorry. I'm sorry for getting caught, for getting punished, for not remembering. For all of it. This past week was so shitty for the both of us and it's my fault. But I'm back, I swear to God. I remember everything."
His eyes searched mine for a response. "How can I be sure?" I asked. I wanted some assurance that it had all faded and that he wouldn't freak out again like he did.
"I don't know," he sighed honestly. "But seeing you like that, afraid of me, sort of snapped me out of it. I have no idea how to prove it to you but you have to believe me."
I could see it in his bright eyes and hear it in his desperate voice. This isn't the behavior I would expect from an electroshocked psychopath, it was the behavior I would expect from Harry. There was no cloudiness in the emerald of his eyes and no waver in his words. He was telling the truth, I was sure of it.
But apparently it didn't show in my expression because Harry continued.
"I need you to believe me Rose, because I was wrong," he said. "About Emily being the girl I love. And I don't know, maybe it's because I'm lonely, maybe it's because I'm afraid, maybe it's because I really need someone right now or maybe it's because you're the only one that thought I was worth it enough to actually give a fuck about me. But it was you, Rose. I am in love with you."
I could do nothing but stare in complete surprise and awe. Love. Harry, the boy that had been hurt by his careless father, the teenager that had lost the first girl he ever loved, the man who everyone feared, was in love with me. And as I stared into his eyes through the blur of my oncoming tears, I knew that I felt the same.
"I love you," I shakily said, and I had never been so sure of anything in my life. And it wasn't that I "loved him too." I wasn't also in love and the thought didn't just come along with the love of his own. But it's a fact all by itself, that regardless of what his feelings are, I love Harry.
He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against mine in relief. His hands cupped around my jaw and my hands rested on his. Our lips met slowly, a tender, delicate kiss being shared between them. And then another. My hands threaded themselves through his hair and pulled him close while his lips began to move hard and passionately with mine.
The feeling overwhelmed my entirety and took over every inch of my body with the reality and certainty of it all. From this point on he was mine and I was his.
When Harry pulled away he was smiling with such an elated happiness I couldn't suppress my own grin. He wrapped his arms around me and we both hugged tight. My head rested in the crook of his neck, his head resting on mine. It was even more satisfying than the kiss. The both of us yearned to really feel each other, to become even closer, but it was hardly possible here with Lori right outside the door.
So instead Harry leaned down, hooking his arm behind my knees as he picked me up bridal style. "Harry, what are you doing?" I giggled. He didn't answer but just smiled as he walked me back towards the bed, setting me down on the cloth sheets.
Before I could ask further questions he crawled under the blanket beside me. We were both squished on the small mattress, face to face while we laid on our sides. Harry pressed his lips to mine and kissed me slowly once more, savoring the precious moment. "I wish I could make love to you right now," he whispered. "But we would probably get caught."
He grinned slightly, but this was much less playful and more serious than it had been a few days ago during baking. "It's okay. We'll get out of here soon," I said while I looked into his twinkling green eyes.
"We have to," he nodded. "But until then I guess we're kind of stuck here."
"I guess so." Our faces were merely inches apart, so the both of us whispered our words.
"But it'll be different this time," he told me. "This time I'm going to try my best and make us happy here. I know this place isn't exactly paradise, but we can create our own."
I nodded, smiling at his words.
"Close your eyes," he suddenly whispered, grinning like a child. His eyes fluttered closed and I didn't ask questions, doing the same. "I want you to picture something for me, yeah?"
I nodded although I knew he couldn't see it. "Imagine that you're lying in soft, warm sand. There's a beautiful blue sky above you full of puffy white clouds."
I could almost hear the smile in his voice as he painted the distant picture. It amazed me that someone could go through so much yet still be so optimistic and happy at a moment like this.
"The sun's making your cheeks warm. And you can hear sparkly blue waves along the beach going whoosh, whoosh," he said, laughing a little as he spoke. "You're on a beautiful beach on a beautiful day. It's perfect.
Except none of that matters. What does matter is that I'm right there next to you, and we're side by side. You have me and I have you, and that's the real paradise."
I opened my eyes then and so did he. And I realized that his words held true right this moment. We didn't need to paint an unrealistic picture of the future to try and be happy. All we could do was try our best to be happy now. "I love you," I said, needing to say it again, needing to be reassured that he would say it back a second time.
"I love you," he softly whispered. Instead of my lips he planted a sweet kiss to my forehead. One of the worst days here had turned into one of the best, so I let go of the bad and held onto the good to render this day a great one. I had no idea how long it would last, and with our luck probably not long. But like Harry had said, that didn't matter right now. The fact that Harry was well and healthy and with me was all that did.
But suddenly a realization dawned on me, and I looked up at Harry's face with wide eyes. There was something we had forgotten.
"What?" Harry asked worriedly.
I looked to the door and then back at him. "Shouldn't we let Lori back in now?"
That made the both of burst into laughter, and it was the happiest I had been in a long time.